HIGH SCHOOL TO COLLEGE--MAKING THE LEAP

Being a kid can be both pretty cushy and really frustrating. The problem with being totally dependent on others(parents who love you) is that kids tend to secretly doubt they can make it on their own.

You parents might have praised every grade they got and made sure they received participation trophies, even when they didn't win, but this doesn't make your kids confident that they won't screw up big time. Parents don't tend to trumpet this to their kids, but we all fail sometimes. While this stings and is no fun, we find a way to deal with it and, if we're paying attention, we learn from failure.

When kids are growing up, they become resistant, risk-taking jerks who scare their parents weekly. They hang out with other kids their parents don't like and they secretly go places parents don't think is good. In addition to the really scary texting and socializing while driving, they sometimes get into using alcohol and drugs.

Parents get terrified when kids hit the teen years.

New flash--kids are terrified, too. They aren't sure they can break into the adult world, including earning an income and paying their own cell bills. It's at this age of bursting forth into adulthood that more and more kids develop intense anxiety symptoms. They have panic attacks and they cease to do things that used to come very naturally.

I've noticed that they higher kids' goals, the more likely they are to have anxiety.

As parents, we've gotten accustomed to cushioning the blows. We go with them to the principal's office and to the traffic court. We try to be there for them in ways that no one was there for us. As they head toward high school graduations or jaunt off to college, we look forward to cheering them on. They, however, may be having a hard time breathing.

This can still be a tough time.

It's a very scary tightrope for parents because kids don't need us to rescue them, even if that's what they ask for. We parents get to be reasonably supportive, but not encourage them to run from their responsibilities(legal or financial). We have to stand back, mind-channel belief in them and refuse to pick them up when they fall. They have legs; they can get up themselves. Kids need to know they can do this.

My own daughter--now an ER resident in Brooklyn--has bitterly said that nothing came easily for her. She didn't get the first job she applied for; didn't like the one she ended up with. The college she attended didn't award her with the full scholarship she tried for. She didn't get into med school the first time she tried and on and on. I'm sure she has a list of disappointments. Still, the kid has managed very well and now has a pretty good backbone. When she deals with snotty superiors and demanding patients, she's good at listening. She's also learned to let most of unfounded feedback roll away.

As parents, we know the scary roads they could choose, but we don't get to direct them. We do, however, need to believe in them. We need to convey that we know they can face their challenges, even if these are big. They need us to believe in them because they're having a hard time thinking they can really do these things. They need us to see them more accurately than they see themselves.

HAPPY PARTNER?

Although some individuals seem to enjoy a competitive interaction with their mates, you need your partner to win sometimes.

Some people work hard to win as many relationship arguments as they can, but this can backfire on you in a big way. If your partner always loses with you, she won't want to be with you. Even though you enjoy getting your own way and you don't have to mess with compromise this way, your mate is likely to eventually find a more hospitable relationship.

You want your partner to thrive.

Although it may mean you losing sometimes and you'll certainly have to go out of your way, you really want the person who is closest to you to be fulfilled and happy. While you cannot "make" your mate happy--if you have the power to always arrange life for someone else, you're the first--your partner's needs and wants have to be high on your list of priorities.

We stay connected where we feel valued and we feel valued when the other person wants us to have what we need.

I drive a small, fast car because that's what I like--speed and agility. While my husband enjoys driving my car, it's not what he himself wants to drive all the time. You are your mate have different personality and different preferences. This is good for everyone. Even though, you don't get her wanting something so different from what you want, doesn't make her wishes any less valuable.

Don't take the responsibility for making her happy, but listen to her. Listening is the most tremendous relationship tool that everyone disregards. Listening is huge. Even if you don't agree with what she says, you need to resist the urge to disagree and explain. Hear your mate.

You want her to be happy.

You want your partner to care about your wishes, to function in such a way that you get what you want sometimes. So work hard on doing the same.