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Christy and Jake(not their real names) have been married seven years. They have good jobs, two wonderful children, ages three and five, and a decent income. Jake just confessed to having an affair with a co-worker.
There are plenty of friends and family who tell Christy she needs to leave him, but Jake is saying that's not what he wants. What should Christy do? She loves him--and hates him--and he's the father of their two sons. He's willing to end the affair and have no more contact with the woman than he has to have for work.
How does Christy ever believe him? How do they heal? Can a marriage survive this kind of damage?
Unfortunately, a lot of couples are facing this situation. Studies rate marital infidelity at an all-time high. Is Christy's only solution to end the relationship and try to find another mate she can trust?
Successfully dealing with infidelity while keeping the marriage intact depends on several things. Are both partners (1) Committed to making the relationship work?, and (2) Can they figure out what went wrong?
If the partner who strayed is still emotionally entangled with the fantasy of the lover, the marriage will not get the healing attention it needs. Fixing and strengthening a marriage so that it nourishes both partners takes the energy of both partners. Sad Reality: You can't do this with just one of you working and you can't do it only for the kids' sake.
You have to put your whole self into healing this relationship, if that's what you want to do.
Some people try to use guilt as a principle motivator--both the wronged partner and the straying partner may think this is appropriate. Guilt is never a long term answer. It doesn't fix the problem that existed before the infidelity, and this is one of the hardest realities to deal with: there were problems before the infidelity. Issues that were unresolved in the relationship led to a break-down in the emotional connection in the marriage.
The other person may not be hot. In fact, he or she is probably very ordinary. The wronged spouse usually has a hard time comprehending the affair, in this case. She's not even attractive! Try to understand that extra-marital relationships are rarely about the sex. This kind of relationship is like an opportunistic infection in a person with a weakened immune system. If there wasn't a problem in the first place, the affair wouldn't have happened.
One of the hardest things to do, when you're the cheated-on spouse, is to move beyond the pain of this betrayal to begin to fix the problem. (I am not saying you need to blindly forgive! Don't do this! It doesn't make the problem go away.) What has to happen is understanding--true understanding--of the issues in the relationship and the feelings you both struggled with before the infidelity. If you're the wronged spouse, you may swing between fury, tremendous pain and an irrational guilt. If you're the partner who had the affair, you probably switch back and forth between groveling and anger at your spouse and, even, a longing for the fantasy of the affair. This is a horrible experience for everyone.
You have to learn to talk to one another, talk about the issues that most impact the relationship. (You may not even know what these are, at first.) You have to listen. This is painful, but extremely productive. The conflicts and poor communication patterns between the two of you have to be fixed if you're going to move beyond this tremendously difficult experience and find each other again. Probably the hardest thing for the wronged spouse to face is his or her contributions to the problems in the marriage before the infidelity. The cheating is only your fault if you were the one getting naked with someone to whom you weren't married. If you cheated, that was irrefutably your choice. But healing a relationship requires you to deal with the relationship.
It can be done.
Relationships, if set on a good foundation of dealing with conflict, can heal. Like a broken bone, they can heal stronger than they were before, but its a long road. Not everyone will want to take this path. Some are too savaged by the breach of trust, some are too angry. It's a very personal decision, and one only you can make.
