DON'T LET THE DELIVERY OVERWHELM THE MESSAGE

Do you listen well when you're being shouted at? Most of us don't. The delivery of the message makes a lot of different, but the urge to yell is powerful. This is particularly true when you're talking to a child or adolescent who blocks you out or when you have a lot of emotion about a situation.

We struggle as much with how to tell others what we need to say as with what to say and this is really important. No matter that we know we should listen as much to what's being said, we are tremendously impacted by the manner in which comments are made.

Individuals tend to shout when they perceive that the other person is not listening--as if volume will solve the problem, will make the other person hear us. The opposite is generally true, but it's very difficult to resist the tendency. If shouting or saying really ugly things is how you try to get others' attention, there's already a problem in the relationship. Neither of these choices increases the odds of you being heard.

If your boss yells at you and says you're an idiot, you probably get mad, too, but do you actually get what he's mad about? Do you even care? Yelling may gain some attention, but it doesn't usually help get the message across.

It's important to realize what's going on with you when you're delivering your message with non-functional heat. When you're yelling, what are you feeling? Simple question, but it takes some thought to work this out.

Usually when you're at the shouting point, your focus is on the other guy. He's the problem(the jerk!). You may even defensively say that he's making you yell. Don't let yourself buy this. I don't want anyone else that in charge of my emotions. No question that you're upset with the other guy; mad; furious; whatever.

You are in charge of you, however. You get to decide how you handle the problem in front of you. Yes, you're very impacted by others--at work and at home--but you're still in charge of yourself. Our society is founded on the shared belief that you're responsible for your actions. Others can't make you scream or hit the wall or throw a tantrum.

They can make you want to do these things, but you still get to be the king of your personal kingdom. (And if someone is this irritating to you most of the time, you might want to reassess the relationship.) I'm not suggesting you never raise your voice. Using strong words that actually say what your problem is, actually increases your chance of changing what you want changed. The first step, however, is to ask yourself what's really upsetting you. Don't just ask yourself once and glibly answer that they are upsetting you. Really dig deep.

Understanding your own reaction--your own feeling--will improve your communication. So will lowering the volume. We don't listen better to shouted words unless it's Fire!

We all want to be heard. But the louder and angrier we get in trying to be heard, the less likelier we are to actually get our message across. Try to remember this and don't give up. It's important for you to be heard.