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Monday, June 2, 2008

Married? No Valentine Love?

The Golden Rule has serious limitations. Sometimes, doing unto others the way you want done unto you is a huge mistake.

You might not care for Valentine’s Day. It may seem like a pointless, made-up holiday created by florists and chocolatiers to rip off as many suckers as possible. Maybe the last token of love you gave your spouse was returned the next day. Or worse, maybe your ex- sent the divorce papers on Valentine’s.

February 14 can be a bitter date for some.

For many people, the day for lovers is an opportunity for disappointment. This isn’t just because she expected jewelry and you got her a peek-a-boo nightie. This isn’t just about how much money you did or didn't spend or the sex one of you expected to get. Your underlying reasoning needs some work. Big moments are often less than desired because you tend to tell your loved one of your affection the way you want to be loved.

This is a case of not doing unto others the way you want to be done. Your lover is different from you. Sometimes very different. (If this isn’t true, you have a whole other set of issues.) I’m constantly hearing from individuals in conflicted relationships how their mates are just like me. Don’t kid yourself. He’s not like you.

He’s a different person with a very dissimilar way of thinking. Just because you love stuffed animals bearing red hearts with “I Wuv You” stitched on them, doesn’t mean he wants these. If you get a non-stuffed-animal-lover this kind of token of your love, you’re likely to find said stuffed animal on the floor in a dusty corner tomorrow. Your mate is different from you. Different kinds of things convey your devotion to him. He may want to be treated to a steak dinner and taken home to get his dessert. This may not mean love to you, even if you like steak.

If you really want to convey your love, you need to think about what triggers your loved one to feel loved. Sadly, most people don’t even know what this is! If you’re in a relationship and your mate is important to you, you need to know what says “I love you” to her. Some women love receiving flowers, but they’re just a waste of money to others.

There is no one-size-fits-all here.

The simplest way to find the secret is to ask. Just ask your partner in a non-attacking, non-defensive way: “What makes you feel most loved?” He may have to think about it, but you need to persevere. Even if the answer is quick and doesn’t seem terribly complex or sincere, you need to listen. It may actually be the truth. Your spouse may not know you really are interested in hearing his experience. You may need to ask and ask again, until you get an answer that’s received some serious thought.

When have you felt most loved? Don’t you think you need to know this? If she feels loved when you cook for her (no matter what kind of a cook you are), this will be a terrific piece of information! Just think, if you know what button to push to trigger your spouse to feel loved and cared for, you’d have relationship power and a great communication tool.

If you want to feel loved, your spouse needs to know what says love for you. This may be flowers and a peek-a-boo nightie. Heck, you may be thrilled for any token of affection on Valentine’s Day. On the other hand, you may crave time alone with him or long for a leisurely walk through a park.

Sure, getting a Ferrari with a big bow on the top makes for a terrific commercial, but if you just drive to get from one place to another, what kind of gift is a sports car? Know your lover. Find out what your spouse needs and wants from you, and tell her what works for you.

Communication is vital. Think of it as a hostage exchange. Give me yours and I’ll give you mine. Don’t succumb to the belief that you automatically know what your lover wants. Most people don’t...and that makes for a rough February 15th.