EMOTIONAL STRATA

Whether you marry or live together or just date, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Most adults have a string of relationship experiences of various durations. Some are longer; some shorter, but the theme of "this is hard!" ties it all together.

And it is hard.

Just finding someone you like, who also likes you is difficult as evidenced by the number of dating sites out there. There's even a dating app, if you want one for your smart phone. With all this hooking up and all the genuine emotion that goes into it, you'd think we'd have more success.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, it's really easy to wonder if there's something just wrong with you. Somehow, we feel personally flawed and bad about ourselves when relationships end. There is a reality that it takes two people to make a relationship, but only one to break it up. Just in the nature of things, relationships are cooperative, mutual endeavors.

It's no one person who makes or breaks the thing. Don't let yourself believe that it's all my fault. People tell me all the time that their mates are perfect and wonderful, but they are all messed up. I always tell them that this belief gives them way too much power. Everyone contributes to relationships (power) and everyone is involved in the break-up. It's never just one person's fault.

Yes, many things slant the troubles--getting messed up in drugs; having an alcohol problem or just being unable to keep it in your pants--all this works to end relationships. We can't, though, assume all the blame. Relationships involve two people.

It's a very challenging when you're faced with needing to decide whether a relationship is working--or can be made to work. This is why I wrote my book, Should I Leave Him? While the (publisher's) title slants this toward female readers, it really examines the process of deciding what to do with relationships and offers specific suggestions and ideas.

So, okay. The relationship's over and you feel compelled to find someone else right away, someone who really likes you. Someone to counteract the idea that you're a screwed up, useless human being (which your ex may have said). Totally understandable feelings; not such a good actual idea.

Grabbing at the first chance of a relationship may mean you can put off the being alone part a little longer, but it doesn't give you a great shot at making this next relationship more successful than the last. Successful relationships are typically built on shared values. If you and your next hook up have very different desires in life, you probably won't be in this next relationship, either.

Too many times, we jump from one relationship to another, building up layers of failed interactions. This really doesn't help self-esteem, even if you tell yourself you just found one loser after another. You'll notice--even if you don't talk about it--that the common denominator for all these relationships, is you.

Back to square one--you feel like a loser. Even if you play your emotional cards close to your vest, you'll probably feel bad about yourself inside.

So, do your best to skip the Emotional Strata of one bad relationship layered on top of another. Even if you have gaps between significant others, even if you have to face life alone for awhile, you're better off getting involved with someone who wants the same things you want.