PARENTING: A JOB WITH TERM LIMITS

There are two parts of parenting--the role of nurturing and educating your young children and the love you have for them. One role will last as long as you draw breath, but the other has a shelf life. When your child is little, your job is to shelter and protect, as well as, love her. You keep her from running into the street and you protect her against those who would harm her. You talk about Stranger Danger and you encourage her to ask you questions about life difficulties.

When she is an adult, however, you have to back up. As much as you love her and as much as you've learned some hard lessons yourself and want to protect her from the mistakes she make be making, you need to resist the urge to give her unrequested advice. Even when advice is requested, be very, very careful how you answer. It isn't appropriate or functional for parents to direct an adult child.

As a person who is deeply invested in her well-being, you might feel you know best what she should do...and you might. But she still needs to figure this life out herself. She needs to make mistakes, even though you don't want this for her. Mistakes teach us the important lessons of life.

When she was a young person living in your home, you probably made your opinions known. Mistakes you made that you now regret were there as examples for her.

Now she gets to make her own choices, even when these are stupid and sad.

Work hard to remember, too, that her path probably isn't the same as yours. If you pursued one career, but later wished you'd done otherwise, don't assume she should now make the career decisions you wish you'd made. She isn't you. She's unique and different. What works for her is probably very different than what you'd choose. Encourage her to get an education and pursue her goals, but don't assume your goals are hers.

It's easy to think your reactions and your feelings are those that others should share. This is automatic for some. Individuals can think their feelings in a given situation are what everyone feels, but this frequently isn't so. Respect your own individuality and hers. Just because you share similar hair color and laugh the same way doesn't mean you want the same things in life. And if you do want different things, it doesn't mean she's rejecting your choices as bad or that she doesn't love you.

Parental love extends over a lifetime. She'll always need that, even when she doesn't say it.

She doesn't need your opinions, though, when she's heading into rough waters. You've lived longer and had many challenges: You know stuff. That doesn't mean you need to tell her when she's headed into rough waters. Be very aware that this part of parenting stops when she's an adult. You need to stop giving your opinion, stop telling her what she should do and stop making snide remarks about things you saw coming(and warned her of, but she didn't listen).

Just love her and believe in her even when she's screwing up. This will benefit her much, much more than you telling her what she ought to do.