THE URGE TO DIAGNOSES

"My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We don't fight a lot, but when we do, it's terrible. A yr ago, we got into a couple of knock-down drag-outs where he called me ugly names and insulted me cruelly. I slapped him twice. He quickly let me know that this was a break-it issue for him and I promised to never do it again and I haven't since. My problem now is that there's a huge double standard in our marriage. It ranges from simple things--he's very sensitive and gets very upset with me if I snap at him or am short with him, but he snaps and is short with me. He makes snide remarks to me and doesn't think anything of it. If we get into arguments, he's ALWAYS threatens divorce, telling me he doesn't love me. He leaves and spends nights elsewhere. Several times, I've asked him not to do this, but he seems to have decided to keep doing this rather than taking a breath and really thinking about things when we argue. I'm in really a bad state about this mentally.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should give up on the marriage. I think he truly believes he's better than me, so to speak. He's actually admitted this when we were arguing. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he respects me or cares about my needs. I need to know- 1) does this sound like a marriage doomed for failure? 2) how can I get him to stop some of these behaviors since asking him to isn't working? 3) any other suggestions u may have"--Should I Leave

 

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Dear "Should I",

 

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. No one else gets to vote on this, but as I read your email, I found myself wondering how you'd come to the conclusion that your husband loves you. You said he's admitted--when you were arguing--that he thinks he's better than you and he's talked repeatedly about divorce. You also said he snaps at you and tells you he doesn't love you.

 

What the heck!

 

Still, the two of you are together and that must mean there is some value for you in the relationship. You're the only one who gets to decide whether that's enough to make it worth your while to stay.

 

The two of you clearly do not know how to actually listen to one another. I'll bet that the hurling of insults and the threats of divorce come after one or both of you are very frustrated, feeling the other isn't listening. The challenge with employing this vital behavior in relationships is that you get all tangled up in your own emotions. It's hard to hear his feelings without interrupting, rushing to conclusions or tuning out while you formulate your own response to whatever he's saying.

 

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THE URGE TO DIAGNOSE

 

 

All too often, clients sit in my office and talk of their relationship issues, pausing to tell me earnestly that they think their--lover, spouse, child, sister, et cetera--is bipolar or depressed and should be medicated. I'm a therapist, not a psychiatrist, so it's not even an option for me to medicate anyone. Even if I could, I don't think it would solve all their problems.

 

In this era of increased acceptance of mental health issues, we often get confused between diagnosable illness and relationship issues. Even people with no label have relationship challenges. Since the clients venturing into the diagnostic arena have no training in the field, their musing about the potential problems of their loved ones can only indicate that they're trying to figure their mess out. Completely understandable. Whatever relationship is causing you grief, you naturally want to understand it.

 

We want reasons. They seem to make life more manageable.

 

Medication can be helpful for the severely depressed, but most individuals don't fall into this category. Your loved ones can be difficult to live with and make very challenging choices without being either depressed or bipolar.

 

Use a great deal of caution in throwing around diagnoses; the person on the other end won't likely forget and your accusation of mental illness won't help the relationship find resolution.