Decision-Making: Emotional or Logical

Everybody thinks and everybody feels, but some make their decisions more from their heads and some more from their hearts. It is important to note that both these perspectives have value. Admittedly, both also have limitations.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an instrument which reflects individuals' preferences on four different continuums. One of these four is Thinking-Feeling, and as a continuum, it is important to recognize that this isn't an either/or situation.

The rational individual tends more toward a cognitive assessment of situations and relationships, disregarding somewhat the emotional level. In fact, Thinking Types have generally focused so much of their energy in life on cognition that they aren't always aware of their emotions. This logical approach can be vital if calibrating machinery, but not so great when trying to work out relationship issues. The more emotional person, however, is almost always able to report what he or she is feeling at a given moment. Usually, Feeling Types can report multiple feelings at any time and tend to reflect these emotions in their faces. Objective decisions, however, aren't made out of emotions. The differences as to functionality in this thinking-feeling preferece lies in the situation at hand. Few of us want the pilot of an aircraft we're occupying to "do what she feels" in a crisis situation. Sometimes you need to be more logical, sometimes you need to know--and express!--what you feel.

It might be helpful to specify what is actually a feeling and what is a thought. Opinions, assessments and statements of fact are more logically-oriented. Personal values and emotions are feelings. Just as you can't "feel" the exact measurements of a room--most of us would need a ruler--you also can't rationally determine your own personal reaction to a given situation. Except when we're talking about chemistry or physics, reactions are generally emotional.

You have--and need--both cognition and feelings.

It is important to recognize, however, that you can't "feel that" someone else is doing or saying anything. Anytime you say, "I feel that you …", you're not actually talking about your feelings. You feel your own emotions, no one else's. You perceive others' feelings sometimes, but you'd better take a cautious approach to interpreting these. Never tell someone else what they feel. You can guess, but you have no ground to argue.

Emotions are probably the biggest challenge in personal relationships. Learning to understand your own emotional responses and trying to understand others' feelings will enable you to make your way successfully through many life situations. Most importantly, we all need a balance. Some challenges in relationshiops require us to be very rational and some situations call for emotional awareness. Learn to have access to both aspects of yourself and you'll have a better life.

Outsourcing Your Emotions, Part 2

Emotions are messy, sometimes inconvenient and not always pleasant. By definition of the word, whether very positive or very negative, emotions involve an 'agitation or disturbance.' Emotional intensity can be scary and there are individuals who prefer to function out of their rational capacity whenever possible, remaining even-keeled in all eventualities. Who wouldn't want to avoid emotions like pain and loss? Individuals may even make foolish choices based on "good" emotions or find themselves taking actions, they regret. Distancing from such a volatile experience can look like a much better option. It seems safer. We humans, however, all have emotions as well as thoughts. So what's a rational-preferring person to do with the disturbing emotions?

Out-Source your emotions.

When a thinking type kid of thirteen wanted to go with her friends to see a very sad, very popular movie, her more emotionally-sensitive mother declined to accompany them. But the daughter returned from the viewing very upset and tearful and begged her mother to go see it. Surprised at her level-headed child's distress, her mom agreed. However, to the mom's surprise, although she found the movie depressing for a week after seeing it, her daughter, who'd seen it twice, now seemed to have no distress, at all. The daughter had out-sourced her feelings. Passed them on like a relay race runner. She'd handed her emotional distress off to someone else who was now displaying emotional intensity for them both.

This kind of emotional out-sourcing might be defined as "letting someone else do the messy stuff" and is probably not a conscious action. Nonetheless, letting others do the feeling for you is generally a bad idea. Emotions, like a radio, can't be turned down so that just one sound is cut out. If you're turning down the volume for one emotion, you're closing them all off. This can lead to feeling remote from your own life and can even contribute to depression.

Another aspect of out-sourcing emotions can appear to have the best of intentions. Very rational people who "fix" other's lives, often tell themselves that they're okay if their loved one is okay. They can go to extremes in placing others' needs before their own and often lead lives filled with sacrifice. The theme, however, of one individual being okay if another individual is good, is simply a reflection of out-sourcing.

We are impacted by the emotions experienced by the people we love. To some, it seems the only way to control the impact on themselves, is to make sure the loved one always feels good, positive emotions. As you can imagine, this "fixing" of someone else's life is very hard to sustain and can lead to resentment if the "fixed" individual sees the fixer as controlling, which is likely.

Consider this scenario: you find yourself telling a loved one about an upsetting or distressing situation and your loved one gets really upset or angry on your behalf. Paradoxically, you then find yourself arguing the other side of the situation. You tell your loved one to calm down, explaining why it's not really so upsetting or distressing. You talk about how he ought to see it rationally--like you are--and not let it upset her.

Poof! You've just out-sourced. Now that she's upset, you're not. You might even find yourself forgetting that you ever were upset. It's just her who's angry, not you. You then can walk away from your own emotional distress like you've deposited it in a trash can.

Out-Sourcing.

However, this way of dealing with your emotions can have several negative effects. Your loved one will probably get really tired of being set-up to be the receptacle of your troubled feelings and the relationship will be affected in a bad way. In addition, you will have effectively disconnected and distanced yourself from your own emotions and, while this may seem easier at the moment, you'll come to worse struggles because of it.

Emotions, while not always warm and fuzzy, are functional. You need to feel what you feel. Some kinds of information comes packaged with feelings. Do you have an uneasy sense around a certain co-worker? Even though he's always smiling and laughing? He may just remind you of a kid in high school who used to bully you, but maybe darker things are brewing that you should examine. Some emotions have been given a bad name--just think if you've ever heard of Sadness Management classes or Happy Management classes! Anger has been given a bad rap. Anger, sadness, happiness, affection, annoyance--all are emotions, not behaviors.

You choose your behaviors and you need to quit blaming your emotions. You can feel an emotion and be okay. It won't kill you and it won't make you kill anyone else. In fact, feeling your emotions without trying to disconnect from them, will help you make better decisions and keep you in better mental and physical health.