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It’s all her fault…No, it’s all his fault. Okay, the problems are mostly her fault.
Actually, you're both responsible for what goes on in your relationship. This can be hard to swallow if one of you does something really bad, like cheating or running up big joint financial debt in secret. The wounded party is typically indignant about sharing any responsibility, but it’s true. The blame for what happens in a relationship has to be equally shared.
The actual cheating or financial shenanigans—that choice was the act of one person and has to be the responsibility of one person. But the nature of this relationship…that’s both of you. In every case, whether it’s adultery or bankruptcy or lying, you have the power to impact the relationship—what you do in it, whether you stay or not. What you do matters to the interaction. You have some responsibility.
In reality, fault (responsibility) and power go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other and everyone has power in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that you feel powerful—you may not be getting what you want—but you do have power, regardless.
Knowing how to use this power, that’s where it gets trickier.
People want to argue with me all the time about this. The real truth is that you have both power and responsibility. You have choices in this relationship, maybe just not the choices you want. You may want your partner to be a certain way—talk about his feelings more, be on time if he’s usually late, get a better paying job—whatever. You’ve probably tried telling your partner what you want and your partner may have not seen things the way you see them or not wanted to do the things you asked. Heck, he may not have seen the point.
You feel powerless to get what you want, which is to have your partner hear what you’re saying, understand and change, of course. What most people don’t understand is that this involves you changing how you act in the relationship. Not just words, but behavior. You have to do your part. Maybe what you've contributed to the relationship is just that you've stayed to tolerate bad behavior from your partner. That's still you contributing to how things are between you. And you don't get to say that your partner caused your behavior. It never works to do annoying, destructive things in the relationship because she does the same thing. That’s a dead-end street and a quick path to a break-up.
You contribute half of what goes on in the relationship. So, part of this is your responsibility.
Of course, the ultimate power you have in a relationship is the power to leave. Knowing when to do this can be the hard part, but never forget that you have this power.
