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Friday, October 19, 2012

NOT NECESSARILY A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

When my first child was born, I looked down at her and was immediately struck that she bore a great resemblance to her father. She looked just like him, minus the mustache. Fortunately, he’s got great genes. Ironically, this daughter’s personality is more like me.

We get in trouble when we anticipate or assume that our kids are just like us. Years ago, my daughter dated a boy who was the eldest of five children. He was a nice kid. When I later met his mother, she was clearly a unique person, a woman of intelligence, high career achievement and unusual perspective. Ours was a very casual interaction, but when we talked, she mentioned that all five of her kids were just like her.

This is unlikely just from a statistical angle, but we parents sometimes have odd expectations. Look around you and you’ll find many instances when children are very different from their parents, even physically. You inherited a pool of genetics and you passed a portion on to your child, mingled with that of the other parent. The kid’s not just like you. You may not even be a match if they need blood or a liver transplant.

Biology aside, human beings have unique minds and spirits—and widely varying opinions. You need to know that your child may vote for a different presidential candidate than you and will probably pick a different mate than you would pick for her.

My second child has always looked more like my side of the family…and she thinks more like her father than me.

Having a kid who looks like you can be a great boost to your ego. Particularly if the kid is a star in some way, but we get into trouble when we expect our children to be just like us. Are you just like your folks? You may go to the same church or share the same hobbies, but we need to remember that our children are people in their own rights. They get to have opinions we don’t share, make relationship choices we wouldn’t make and screw up in their own particular ways. After all, you screwed up in your own way. They deserve the same right.

Achievement in this life comes in lots of flavors. Your child may differ wildly from you, but that doesn’t make her choices and preferences wrong.