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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

GROWING UP TOO FAST

Parents understandably worry about their teens and pre-teens rushing into adult choices. You know the risks, the dangers waiting. You've been their age and you'd probably do a few things differently yourself.

One reader writes asking for advice about "...what to do with my daughter. She's 16 years old and I've caught her on more than a few occasions talking sexually to boys, some of them she hasn't even met. I've tried to talk to her, whipping isn't the answer and right now she's grounded until I figure something out."

This is a very scary place for a parent to be. You don't want your child to do things that will change her life forever in a very negative way. You want to protect her, but she's not the toddler you held close to keep her from bad things. Here are a few things to try:

Listen to the kid. This is hard if she's not talking to you about her world, but she's probably saying some stuff, most of which you don't want to hear. Listen anyway. Even if you want to interrupt to warn her, to correct her, to gather her up and rush to an isolated island where she'll be safe from this until she's 35--fight the urge. Just listen to her and work on understanding her feelings, her desires, her anxieties, her point-of-view. If she's jumping into sexual behavior with boys, it's a good bet that she's trying to make a connection emotionally. She wants someone to like her, to want her. You can understand that.

Talk about your own choices. This freaks a lot of parents out because they're embarrassed about things they did and/or they really don't want their kids to make some of their choices. Still, you need to share your feelings and experiences about the choices you made. Don't just tell her your mistakes, although that's important, tell her why you did what you did. You want the kid to know that you know what she's dealing with. Tell her the results of your choices; tell her what you dealt with. Tell her this is why you're worried about her now. Don't expect her, however, to automatically learn from your mistakes. Everyone gets to make their own, as sad as it can be to watch.

Talking honestly about your choices and the results of these will go a long way toward getting your kid's attention.

Don't preach. There's a place for sermons, but this isn't it. Don't give in to the very natural urge to lecture. Kids stop listening when you lecture. It won't help.

Don't make it easy. If your daughter's sneaking out at night to do bad things or your son is quietly using dope in his bedroom, you need to ask yourself if you're making those choices easy. Are you gone a lot at night? Do you leave the kid alone for hours at a time? Many parents have work schedules that make it hard to be home when their kids are there, but this is an important part of parenting. Just being present gives you some brownie points. If you have alcohol or drug issues yourself, then you've got to face the fact that you're role-modeling some pretty destructive behavior and, while you're under the influence, the kid is on her own and probably making as many bad choices as you are yourself.

It also comes under this heading that you take away her cell phone if she's using it to send nasty texts or semi-naked photos of herself. Yes, you'll have to look at the messages sent to see what they involved. It may feel like this snooping is wrong, but it's actually part of your job. Trust me, the girl can exist without a cell phone.

Step back. This is probably the hardest part of parenting. It's also very important. You love your kids and you've probably done a bunch of stuff, like the mother who wrote, to keep them from doing things they'll later regret. There's a point, though, that you have to let your kid feel the consequences of her own choices. While this isn't usually true when the child is under the age of 18, when she's an adult, you need to back off. Accept that your child--for whatever reason--has moved into behavior with sad consequences. This may involve drugs or pregnancies or both.

Love the kid even if you hate the choices, but don't think it's good to rush in to try and clean up the mess she's making. When she's moved into areas you cannot control, you need to step back.

You need to breathe, to have a life of your own. Invest in self-care. If your child is making unhealthy choices as an adult, you need to find that emotional place that allows you to still care and be supportive, without trying to make everything okay.

Don't let yourself believe that all her ugly, scary choices are because of what you did or didn't do. She has a mind of her own. You can love her, but you're still only responsible for your own actions.

Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Some times it can be joyous; sometimes heart breaking.