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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

WHAT YOUR KIDS SAY ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Your kids may actually want you to get a divorce, particularly if you and your mate are fighting a lot or if your fights are ugly. Don't think your children don't know when the two of you are arguing. They may be plugged into their MP3 players and texting on their cell phones while playing video games, but they know. They pick up tension between the grown-ups like Bounty towels absorb spills.

Even though you have to remind your kid a hundred times to pick up the wet towels off the bathroom floor, he remembers every time you and your mate get into it. He may not seem to take sides, but he knows about the fights. He may even mention them in a very offhand way to his friends, but don't freak out that the neighborhood has all the details of your bigger blow-ups. When this is referred to between themselves, kids are commiserating--their friends' parents are fighting, too.

Your child is into his life. He's got his friends and his sports. He's living his own life. Don't think that means that yours isn't effecting him.

Of course what the kid really wants is not to have to worry about you. He cares about your unhappiness, but doesn't want this to intrude on his. He wants to go on with being immersed in his own life. If he mumbles "Thanks, mom" when you pick him up from a late movie or remembers to wish you happy birthday, you probably feel touched. But you may not be aware that the relationship choices you're making have an impact on him. And not always in the way you think.

Kids usually don't want their parents to split, but sometimes they think it's best.

If you and his dad are already divorced( or never-married-and-now-broke-up) he's aware of when you're angry with his father and he hears--no matter how careful you are--what you say about his dad.

When you decide to stay in a relationship "for the kids", make sure this is best for the children. Even when divorce involves financial changes, if you're better off and healthier, your children will be happier. While divorce doesn't magically lead to you finding a golden life, it can lessen the day-to-day stress both you and your child live with.

All parents fight...even the ones who don't "fight" have disagreements. But make sure your conflict with your mate is productive and that the two of you are enjoying each other, too.