BETTER NOT TO KNOW

There's a time in the parenting experience when it's better not to know exactly what they're doing. As your children get older, you have less input into their choices. You don't get to choose who they're dating, what career they're pursuing or how they parent their own children.

You're best not knowing the details of their choices.

You can be an invested, caring parent, but you don't get to guide their actions the way you did when they were younger. They were kids then, and they really needed your guidance. Even if they seem to need it more now, you would be wise to be careful what you try to offer. This can be a dicey place for a parent. Sometimes, you need to love them and yet find a nice, neutral place to be.

You need to not know some things. It's easier on you because when you wade into their situations--bombarded by the results of choices you knew were disastrous--you inevitably want to point out certain things. You may even find yourself uttering the dreaded "I told you so."

This doesn't help your child. It throws up barriers between you because no one wants to hear that, even if you did tell them and you were very right. (Remember when you goofed up? Did you want your parents acting all smug?) But smugness and throwing "I told you so" around are very tempting.

Maintaining some distance helps keep you from getting so torqued off that you have to make unproductive comments.

You raised your kids and you've picked up a few important realizations about them. You also know stuff because you've lived longer and accrued a few bumps and bruises along the way that you'd like to spare your children from having. The sad news is that they don't really want to hear it. Even if he's down and, in a weak moment, he asks you what you really think of the spouse with whom he's fighting. Don't answer this question! At least, not now. What you think isn't going to help your kid make the tough choices ahead. And if he gets back together with her and your opinion slips out of him (and it always does, although he never means it to), you're not going to be in favor with his wife/girlfriend. She's going to really dislike you then.

Being a successful parent to an adult child requires you to step back. This means working on developing your own joy in life--developing your relationships, taking on job challenges that interest you, pursuing the hobbies you never had time for when you were actively raising a family. You deserve this time. Do things for yourself.

By all means, show your love to your child, but this doesn't mean cleaning up after him or telling him what to do. Be interested without offering commentary. Be supportive without offering guidance. This is a challenging position and requires you to find a balance that includes believing in your kid and hoping he cares for himself, without thrusting yourself into his business.

You can give him now one of the greatests gifts--you can believe in him. While this sounds simple and you think you've been doing it all along, believing in him when he's struggling is the hardest is an act of faith. It's a golden gift and it requires you to not be in the swamp with him.

You don't need the stimulation that comes with knowing exactly what he's doing (and not doing) and he doesn't need you breathing down his neck as he tries to negotiate his way through life.

Sometimes, it's better for you both if you don't seek out the details.