IF HE'S NOT LEFT HIS WIFE...

"I dated a wonderful guy. He proposed and, while I initially accepted, I later gave him back his ring. After 3 years of trying to be patient with his views on his finances, I left the relationship. In the beginning he was living in a basement of a female he 'knew', but once we started taking a liking to each other, he moved out of her basement and moved in with his mother. At that time, he had no job and didn't want a 9-5 job. He had no desire to have place of his own [or to work], but he desperately wanted a family. Over time, he got his associates degree in criminal justice, found a job and his own place. One of the things I never knew about until he proposed, was his credit score, or lack thereof.
I was floored to find out he was over 100K in debt over unnecessary stuff(repo vehicles, credit cards, etc). There were years he didn't pay his taxes and, at one time, his townhouse was foreclosed on. His attitude was that he was proud that he was able to even get the credit in the first place. I was shocked and I felt my financial peace was threatened. I was raised in a crime-ridden, drug-infested neighborhood. My siblings and I vowed we would never go back to being poor again, which is one of my greatest fears. Once I found out about his credit, I wanted a prenuptial agreement. He was very upset and hurt about this.

He then asked me to co-sign a car loan for him and, when I refused, he said that if I loved him, I would do it. He then got a new job, but didn't have a start date. He was not told how long before his new employer started him working. In the mean time, he was spending money like he had an income. I decided this was too much and I ended the relationship. He just didn't get it and told me that he just wanted to do things his way. He's since got a start date on the job, which is only part time. He says he now has a plan to get out of debt. His attitude is new. His thoughts are new and he has a written plan that he's sticking to.

I desperately want to believe him. I've been to counseling and I offered it to him, but he refused, so I went alone for about six months."--Desperate Unengaged Woman

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Dear Desperate,

Go back to counseling to get some support. You and this guy don't have the same money values and relationship success is based on shared values, as well as, the tingle you get when you're with him. Some women have no issue with supporting the man who is raising their family. (Men did this for a long time.) But you two don't have a family to raise and you want a partner who shares your money attitude.

Of the five big issues in relationship--money, sex, children, religion and in-laws, money is the biggest. This is the conflict that most frequently brings of couples into therapy. In reality, money isn't the real issue. Learning how to really hear one other, allows couples to come to resolutions that enables them to move both forward.

This guy doesn't share your money values. He's shown over and over that he has a different attitude toward both work and money than you do.

If you do decide to marry him anyway, talk to a lawyer. A prenup doesn't always protect from a mate's credit issues. You need to check state laws on this, as they vary.

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IF HE'S NOT LEFT HIS WIFE, HE'S NOT WITH YOU

Relationships end. This is just a reality, and it can be a relief or a sadness. Sometimes both. Even so, those who are involved with someone who is married to someone else need to confront the truth of the situation. If your love interest is married to someone else--and a divorce isn't underway--you can't say he's with you.

Lots of people are choosing to avoid legal ties, but lots of people are getting married, too. Divorce is still very much a reality.

Dating while married doesn't leave a person open to any other commitment. Never allow yourself to believe your engaged to someone who's already married to someone else.