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Most people are confused about what’s love and what isn’t. You may have a rush of heat when a man walks in. Maybe love’s scary and exciting, like sky diving. Or safe and comforting, like a fire in the fireplace on a cold night.
Not everyone wants the same kind of love.
There are some constants, though. When you truly love someone, some actions and motivations will always be there, no matter who you are or what kind of relationship you want. In his book, The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch leaves this advice for his toddler daughter: Look at the guy's actions, not what he says. Knowing he won’t be there when she’s teenager entering the world of dating,a dying Pausch recommends his daughter take words of love with a grain of salt. Behavior, though, that tells a truer story.
When you are loved by someone, that person will generally place your best interests at a high premium. In other words, while he may not always put you first, the one who really loves you isn’t going to do what’s bad for you. It’s not love when another person acts out of his own fear and yells at you or hits you. That’s something other than love, no matter what you did.
A person who loves you will—most of the time—like and enjoy you, too.
This is tricky because sometimes the people we love do stupid, self-destructive things. It’s hard to like them then. But, overall, when you’re in a relationship, your significant other needs to like you…find you amusing and intriguing and interesting. All that makes relationships easier. There will be difficult times in all relationships. Liking one another makes it less difficult to work through conflicts.
The most elusive aspect of a loving relationship is that it makes you better. If the relationship you’re in drags you into bad, destructive behavior, you need to question the foundation of the interaction. Love makes you better. This isn’t to say that it’s always easy. Growth can be painful, frustrating and infuriating…but it helps you deal with stuff you need to handle.
It’s really important to realize, too, that love isn’t one-sided. This isn’t all about him or all about you. There needs to be a balance—a benefit to you both—or this isn’t good for either of you. You need to be challenged to grow, face your fears, believe in yourself. Your partner needs the same.
If you find yourself in a relationship that encourages you to sever connections with those who’ve been important to you—if the relationship only thrives when the two of you are isolated from others--this isn't love. You might need to end some destructive, bad relationships, but most likely, not all your other relationships. You can’t live a life with only one person in your world.
Does being with your lover make you better? This is the bottom line. Love enhances. While it doesn’t always make life easy, love helps you become who you want to be. Before you jump into a major life change, make sure the relationship you’re in is good for you.
