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Everybody needs a friend or two…and friendship is almost as difficult to find these days as love. To be rootless and disconnected is bad for your health and your emotional life. We want to belong. To be connected to others who are like us or, at least, to those who appreciate and value us. Love us, maybe a little.
In today's world, more families are in disarray. Scarred by unhealthy interactions or built on hope rather than true affection. Families are too frequently cobbled together from transient relationships--half-siblings and step-siblings and "sort of" siblings from relationships that never made it to matrimony. Its no wonder we want to find a place to belong.
Thus, we find an almost universal urge to find a non-family place to belong. Many kids from lower socio-economic backgrounds seek solace in joining gangs. Say what you will about the destructivity of the lifestyle--and there's a lot to say--there's also a sense of connectivity, a place to fit. People who'll protect you and stand up for you. It may seem nuts, but a gang membership can feel like the safest place a kid can be.
Those from a higher socio-economic background might find a similar sense of belonging in a group experience that fills the same needs. Fraternities and sororities address the urge for connection and they come with their own set of rules and requirements. Gangs cultivate a tougher, more anti-social image than college-associated groups, but the basic rites of membership aren't that different. While most college frats and sororities don't go in for the type of physically-demeaning hazing that made the news a few years ago, the sense of brother- or sisterhood is a major draw for these groups.Loyalty is stressed and demanded.
Churches are recognizing the need for friendships and a trend toward small "home" church groups responds to this. The drive toward human connections seems built into our DNA. Even people who hate the hassles that come with allowing others into their lives still admit that being totally alone sucks.
Friendships, for some, is the new place that feels like "home." Shared activities and shared lifestyles give us a sense of security and of having a place we fit. Family is too frequently a battle ground of unresolved emotion and unfulfilled expectations. Just look at the angst mixed with hope that descends on most people as the holiday season approaches. Home furnishings and home décor purchases rise during this time of year because we want our family members--however you define "family"--to be impressed when they stop by for holiday gift exchanges or dinner. The experience of family can be fraught with complications. Many of us feel a strong need to impress those who are supposed to know and love us best.
Truthfully, all human interaction brings the possibility of betrayal and pain, as well as, tremendous comfort and belonging--sometimes all mixed together. Still, disconnection is not good for us. Isolation makes physical illness more likely and generally adds to the stress we feel. Whether you frequent a bar where "everyone knows your name," find a church to attend or join a group that goes sailing every weekend, be aware of your own values and the values of the group you're in. The need for connection and a sense of "rootedness" is powerful and pervasive. You don't, however, gain much by joining a group that requires you to function in a way that doesn't add to your well-being.
We need to belong, but we need to go into relationships with our eyes open. Friendships can be a source of tremendous warmth and emotional gratification, but they shouldn't require sacrificing your beliefs in order to belong. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself, as well as, your friendships.