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Monday, March 26, 2007

Because She's My Mom

One hundred and fifty million cards will be sent this Mother's Day. The celebration of maternal love and devotion ranks behind only Christmas in the number of flowers sent. We love our mothers, even if we don't always like them and we're not sure they like us.

"She's always yelling at me. She doesn't like my job. I don't make enough money for her. I should do my hair differently. She doesn't like my car!"

"She's critical and I can never do anything right. She thinks I'm a terrible mother. Half the time, she doesn't even seem to like me."

"My mother hates my husband and she's always pointing out things my kids do wrong. We're always nice to her. I don't know what to do."

"She likes my sister, Jenny, better than me. I'm always having to hear what Jenny's(names are changed) doing or how smart Jenny is. She even likes the guy Jenny is dating better than my boyfriend."

Getting along with your mother can be complicated and frustrating. Unhealthy, even, for some. But doing without her completely isn't an option for most people. Everyone wants a mother, even if the one they have doesn't seem to love them very much, she's still mother. Even adults who've been abused by their mothers as children frequently struggle with the idea of not having a relationship with them. We want contact with our mothers. We want them to love us.

After hearing a horror story of a genuinely uncaring mother, I always ask, "Why are you still interacting with her? Why is she still in your life?" Almost universally, people shrug and say the same words. "She's my mother." This is also the response to nagging mothers, critical mothers and mothers who are generally toxic. It's almost as if giving birth, or raising a child, gives the mother figure a free pass. Whatever she does, she's still your mother, so it doesn't matter. Even if you hate your mother, you still tolerate her in your life.

Like the feedback score on Ebay generally keeps sellers honest, we can usually rely on consequences to keep ourselves, and others, basically in line. This doesn't seem to apply to the mother role, though. No matter what she does…she's still your mom.

Some people long for the "mother" role. For some, this is true even when they have no way to support themselves, much less take care of their children, but the role of "mother" is powerful. Many people seeking motherhood will say that they want "Someone to love. Someone to love me." This isn't necessarily reflective of their ability to put that love into action. They're not always able to act loving or to care for a child the way every child deserves, but they long, ache, to be loved the way mothers are loved.

We want to love our mothers and we want them to love us.

Think of the cliché "Only a mother could love…" and you'll get a picture of what we want to experience from the women who give birth to us. Even if you're ugly(or think you are), too heavy, not successful and, generally, feel unlovable, you want to believe your mother will love you, no matter what. Mother's Day celebrations tend to reflect our desire for this unconditional love. Love no matter what we do. No matter who we are. We want to receive it and we feel a compelling desire to give it to our moms, but parents(both mothers and fathers) need to realize that how we parent will have lasting consequences on our children.

Love may be unconditional, but relationships(barring the "she's my mother" sentiment) are conditional. We need consequences. We need to know that if we behave badly, we'll run the risk of losing relationships. This is the only way most of us learn. It's what helps us to see our best choices. The way we behave matters. It counts.

So, love your mother. Be a loving parent, but don't forget that love helps us grow stronger. It doesn't ignore our flaws or act like we didn't do the stupid things we did. Love holds us accountable because we need that. Loving parents are precious, and they don't excuse us. Let's love them the same way.