DATING HOW-TO

Get a Clear Picture of The Life You Want

This is important. If you see yourself and a large family living in the mountains, you don't need to get with a guy who doesn't want kids or who can't imagine living outside the city. If you dream of traveling to far off lands, don't get with a guy who thinks home is the only place a sane person would stay.

Know the life you're envisioning and remember this when it comes to picking a mate.

Is being married important to you? Then, don't spend years going out with someone who doesn't ever want to get married or who says vaguely that if it happens, it happens. If you don't see yourself having children, you'd best steer clear of guys with kids or those who want their wives/significant others to stay home with their progeny. The same thing goes for jobs. If you are invested in a career that demands a lot of you, then you need a mate who's supportive of what you're doing.

Dating may seem like it should be casual and natural, but chances are you'll have to make some decisions. Better to do that before you lose your heart to a man who doesn't share your values.

Know Your Own Values

Different beliefs about money are the number one conflict area that couples split up over. If you're a saver vs. spender, you need to know this. If earning a million before you're thirty is a big goal, that factors into your relationships. Having similar feelings about the importance of your income won't guarantee your relationships, but having very different feelings about money is guaranteed to challenge relationships. You might see things differently when it comes to finances, but you've got to respect the importance of one another's money value.

Feelings about fidelity run deep. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist, but your partner thinks cheating is "natural", the two of you have big trouble ahead. Cheating is too often a reality in relationships and runs a close second to conflicts over money. Infidelity is usually a reflection of unresolved issues in the relationship, but you need to know how you feel about a committed mate stepping out on a partner.

Some couples long to have their mates go to church with them. If this is a major value for you, don't date someone who views organized religion as a "opiate of the masses." It may not seem sexy to ask a guy on your first date if he goes to church, but you ought to wedge this discussion into the conversation before you unzip your dress and get naked with him. In order to make this a priority, you need to get a grip of your own feelings about religion.

The "Curl Your Toes" Factor

You may have decided not to let your passions rule your romantic decisions and I applaud you for this, but you need to consider the importance of sex appeal to a relationship. Dating someone based on whether or not you want to rip his clothes off probably isn't a good idea, but you have to be interested in how he looks when he's naked. If you completely disregard this, you run the risk of having a passionless relationship and that's just sad. It is possible to have both stability and hot-cha-cha.

Okay, Get Set, Interview!

It so doesn't seem sexy, but dating is a lot like looking for a job. Both you and he have certain stuff you need in a mate--just be honest about it. You may meet some great, interesting guys, but just not see a future with them. Do your best not to fall in love with the idea of falling in love. The guy in question might be lonely, too, but he wants you to want him, not just settle. He also doesn't want you taking up time on his dance card, if you just don't want to be alone and you're biding your time until a more likely candidate comes along.

Ask the important questions. Maybe not on the very first date--don't want to be checking off a list--but soon. Certainly before you start wrinkling his sheets or picking out china patterns.

Dating can be tiring and exhausting. It can also be okay. Remember the old adage that you "...have to kiss a lot of frogs..."? Well, the frog wants to make sure you're a good bet, too.

Go out, have a good time and interview each other.

NEW BABY AND FAMILY RIFTS

A frustrated husband and father writes "We have been married for about 18 months and had our first daughter six months back in June.... For the two years my wife and I dated as well as the first year of our marriage, the four of us(my parents and us) got along incredibly well.... When we had our daughter,...my mother was a bit overbearing and inserted herself a bit much. This left a bad taste in my wife's mouth and damaged their relationship. Over the next several months my mom dialed things back...[but] my wife continues to find fault with most everything my parents do...she is interpreting every action as a slight against her and my parents way of getting back at her.... I desperately want all of us to have a happy life together, for she and my mom to have their relationship back and for my parents to enjoy their only grandchild and daughter-in-law."

Frustrated Husband and Father may not like it, but I suspect he's playing a bigger part in all this than he sees. His wife is just adjusting to the major role of parent, and he could be part of the problem. The focus now is on his parents and their actions, but the change he sees in their relationship with his spouse is linked to the even bigger changes in her life.

Think about it this way, being a parent--even when long desired--brings with it a whole lot of baggage. Particularly for women.

There's the difference in how she spends her time and the lack of sleep, but this (while difficult) is only part of the picture. Most women accept the majority of the emotional responsibility for their children--how they're cared for, what they need and want, how well they sleep, if they're "happy" babies, and on and on. This is why most mothers feel so entitled for big gifts and big hoopla with Mother's Day. Motherhood brings great expectations, both from society in general and from the mother herself.

So, here's the part Frustrated Father plays: Give the woman a break. She's dealing with the spoken and unspoken criticism of all the mothers she meets. Especially your mother.

There's also the possibility that she's diverting some of her overwhelmed distress from you to your mother. Most men these days feel pretty good about their parenting. They think they are involved fathers and do just as much of the parenting work as their mates, but statistics don't indicate that men are equally involved with women in caring for their children.

Women still carry the bigger load and part of this is because they themselves expect to "be the mom." Part of the disparity in parenting is also because men really don't see all that's required and still are glad to leave most of the work to moms. It's a pretty overwhelming expectation--accepting even 65% of the care for a newborn--and women don't usually stop all their other activities. This is all complicated by the interactions and expectations within the relationship.

Not only is Frustrated's wife dealing with new parenthood, she's still adjusting to their marriage. This is no small matter for most people. A new marriage ranks high on the list of life changes that lead to increased stress, as does the birth of a baby. There have been a lot of changes in this woman's life. If her new mother-in-law presumed some in the very beginning of parenthood, she might have painted a target on her back.

I recommend Frustrated do a serious self-inventory, asking himself if he's carrying as much of the new load as his wife and that he give the woman a break. If he continues his silent condemnation of her as the meanie who won't get along with his parents, he's missing his own part in these dynamics. Sure, she's probably unfair to his parents sometimes. But moving forward with this requires him to cut her some slack and get into the parenting trenches with her. He also needs to make sure that the two of them have time together and that the issues that come up between them are as openly addressed as he can manage.

Don't think I'm saying that this is all Frustrated's fault. It's not, but he has some responsibility for the situation, which gives him power.

I'm all for everyone feeling their power.

DIVIDED FAMILIES, INHERITANCE WOES

"My sister and I are grown and on our own for fifteen plus years. We have [now] been disowned by our father for the past year. Our mother passed away 7 years ago, [but] just last year her mother passed away. [Our] father became very upset when my mother's portion of the inheritance from our maternal grandparents went to my sister and I. That is when he cut us out of his life. ...he wants us to sign those houses over to him, since he was not named in their will. ...he has gotten himself in a major debt and now he is trying to get us to bail him out."--Estate Confusion

My condolences on the lost of your grandmother and both of your parents--Mom to death and dad to the squabbling over money. The loss of a relative can be hurtful on a number of levels, the most needless is the fighting over assets. Lawyers with estate experience often see blood kin resorting to hostilities over the leftovers when a relative dies. It's just sad.

Money hits us in so many emotional areas--people seek recompense when they feel they've been unloved or loved less. The issue of financial need is often raised--those with less assets often feel they should inherit more than the rest--and like the email above from Estate Confusion, the arguments can deepen into long-term estrangement. There is often a sense of entitlement, either from a family connection or from some action taken. Some people feel owed.

It's enough to make those with money go looking for a charity to whom to leave the financial accumulation of a lifetime.

Emotional issues get played out when it's time to transfer wealth, even when the money doesn't add up to much. Sometimes, wills and the distribution of assets can be an attempt to control the actions of the inheritor. Remember the movies that show an legatee rushing to the alter by a certain deadline in order to inherit?

Estate Confusion indicates that she thinks her dad hasn't made good money choices and he now wants her to rescue him. There's also a hint that she disapproves of his money actions and wants to straighten him out. (Such a normal urge. We all occasionally want to straighten out the ones close to us.)

When these kinds of situations burst forth after the death of a relative, some people just hand over the money to avoid on-going family bitterness, but that usually means they end up feeling bitter, even if they don't talk about it. What everyone needs to realize as quickly as they can is that--beyond taking care of you when you were a child--parents don't owe you anything. Estate Confusion doesn't owe her father the houses that will get him out of financial trouble and she shouldn't be blackmailed into handing them over. But she also has to come to terms with the reality that she has no right to control her dad's actions. Even the really stupid ones.

If she approves of his decisions, will she give him the houses?

Money seems to equal power too often in this world and this is largely why we argue over it. Giving a relative the cash they want(and demand) won't fix the relationship. It won't make everything rosy and you may be left feeling screwed. Sometimes, you just have to accept the limitations in a relationship.

Look at your own actions to make sure you're being as honest with yourself as you can. Listen to trusted individuals(not those who want you to hand over the cash) and learn what you can learn from these conflicts.

But don't think you have to do what others want you to do, just to make peace. Sometimes, there's just no peace to be had.

FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS?

'Tis the season to be jolly...and shop and eat and spend time with family, although that last one may be making you nuts. These are the folks you grew up with and sometimes you want to bash their heads together. Most of us love the people who share our DNA, but that doesn't make the family dynamics easy.

The holidays bring a dilemma: You have time to spend with your family...and you have time to spend with your family. The social expectations at this time of year can be a heavy burden for those with conflicted family interactions or no interaction with family, at all. You're supposed to enjoy Uncle Joe, aren't you? What if he's meddlesome or worse yet, criminal and hurtful?

You don't choose the family into which you're born, and all families are not like the fun television families. Some are loving and wonderful--better than the Huxtables--but some have stilted, boring interactions and some family gatherings actually involve gun fire. Yours may not be this difficult, but it may not be Norman Rockwell, either.

What do you do when going to see relatives is a strain? You could follow the example of the characters in the Reese Witherspoon/Vince Vaughn movie Four Christmases and just go out of town every holiday season. If that's not an option or if you'd be consumed with massive guilt doing this, you're probably feeling like this too must be borne. You just want to get through the season. It's not supposed to be this way, but family interactions can be very difficult. Whether you've got siblings fighting over parents' wills or if a family member molested you when you were a child, family interactions can be hard to handle.

Sometimes you just need to skip it. That may seem harsh and it's probably not what you prefer, but it is important to give yourself this option. Choosing not to go to a family gathering doesn't make you a bad person. You need to do what is best for you, even if others don't understand it.

Sometimes those who feel the most connected, the most supportive, aren't blood relatives. All relationships have nuances and developments through time, but the people you choose to be with need to be the ones who add the most to your life...even if you're not biologically connected to them.

Because of the intimacy of family interactions, they can be complicated. One reader writes "...when will a family stop making assumptions about one another?" The sad answer to that is probably never. In many cultures, being family means a free pass to say what the heck you want, regardless of how this will be received.

You may love one another, but just not get each other's choices. In this case, conversations tend to be tricky and sometimes hurtful. Just because you're family doesn't mean you get to verbally critique one another--not unless this is requested. Even if it is...be careful how you respond. Love without commentary and suggestion can be deeply appreciated. Don't think you ought to be able to tell one another exactly what you think, just because you're in the same family. This can be harmful and not near as much fun as you'd like.

If you have the urge to utter condemning statements to one of your family members, think how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Don't think all your choices are golden. If the criticism is open and hurtful, it'll probably go both ways.

If you choose to spend time with your relatives, do your best to convey what you hope for them--that the marriage will be educational, even if you believe it'll end, that you hope they do actually enjoy the career path they're heading down, that you truly pray they'll come to terms with the substance abuse problem that's so obvious to you. Beam love to your loved ones. Life will eventually teach them the hard lessons and point out their failures. You don't need to.

If you're the one on the receiving end of some of these unfortunate comments, just respond with the statement that you know the speaker cares for you and is hoping for the best outcome.

Then, limit your time in the environment and do something fun afterwards. After all, families can be very complicated, even when there's a lot of love.

INFIDELITY DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN

K. from Kentucky is very distressed that he's cheated on his wife with a woman he says he cares for, but not as much as he loves his wife. He's going to confess this to his wife (he doesn't know how or when), but fears this will break them up.

Probably.

Since they don't live together and have had serious trouble in the past, this may end the relationship...and maybe it should.

Sex doesn't just happen. You can't blame it on proximity(we sleeping in the same apartment) or on the wicked wiles of the seductive other person. At some point, you pulled down your pants. You made a decision to be unfaithful. Your committed relationship may have had a ton of problems. You may not have felt loved and cherished. Your mate may have cheated on you first.

You might have been drunk.

All this matters, but the consequences are the same. If you've been unfaithful in a relationship, there's no reason to think you won't do so again or that you've just made a mistake like writing a phone number down incorrectly or giving the cashier a bill of the wrong denomination. Sex is a complicated set of behaviors. You had lots of time to think--even if you weren't thinking clearly.

Cheating involves very powerful emotions and far-from-simple situations. Don't think I don't get that. Even very intelligent and gifted people get themselves into compromising situations and are caught with their shorts down (i.e. Tiger Woods).

When trying to muddle this through, you need to ask yourself--What the heck was going on with me? This is a big question and it includes the state of your committed relationship, as well as, the personal challenges of the cheater. Relationships have an emotional flow, not unlike plumbing. You need to keep things open and, when they get clogged, it can get messy. Bad communication in a relationship leads to blockages. In this case, it's only natural that your interest seeps away and heads in other directions. That doesn't mean it's okay or healthy to cheat.

The cheater also may have issues that lead to the cheating--like using sexual activities to deal with emotions (either to block them or bolster them). For some people, sexual addictions replace healthy emotional connections, either because they've found emotional connections themselves to be too painful or because they don't know how to establish these. Others use sexuality to feel valuable when they don't otherwise believe this about themselves.

You also need to ask yourself What is going on with the committed relationship? Every relationship involves conflict and, if you don't know how to resolve these, you'll drift. No one cheats when they're in a fulfilling, connected relationship.

It may be that personal issues have kept one of you from being able to really invest or you might have struggled to feel close when there was massive unresolved issues hanging between the two of you. It may have felt like you fell out of love with your committed spouse and into love with the new person in your life.

Love doesn't work like that. You only fall out of it when there has been trouble in it.

Infidelity is a choice. You don't catch it from friends like the flu, you make a choice. Try to learn what the situation says about you...what you can learn from it.

Remember: Even really good people sometimes make unhappy choices.

OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIP

Contrary to some opinions, men and women can be friends. Sex can be terrific fun, but that doesn't mean that all possible sexual partners turn you on. Sometimes, you just like another person apart from any interest in seeing him naked.

Men and women can be friends. This doesn't usually work if they just broke up, however, or if one half of the equation hopes to get back together in a romantic involvement. Some people do form workable friendships after they've broken up, but most just shift into a relationship-never-land that doesn't help anyone move forward. Separation--disconnecting all the aspects of couplehood--is a complicated challenge. Trying to shift gears from romantic partnership to friendship takes time.

But what if you've never been more than friends? What if you're with a partner and your friends are just friends. This can be challenging, too, because it can feel threatening to your partner. Particularly when the relationship has issues to resolve and, basically, all relationships have these, at various times.

But if you're an individual who's always felt more comfortable with friends of the opposite sex, it doesn't seem weird at all.

You need to remember that lots of couples were friends before they began a romantic relationship and many individuals say their romantic partner is their best friend. So, the issue gets murky.

If, though, you're genuinely not interested in dating your friend, you need to remember several important aspects of this issue. Secrecy is scary. It conveys significance and line-crossing behavior. Think about things you hide. When there isn't a reason, you don't worry about keeping a secret. If you're not open, your partner will think some thing's going on. Emotional intimacy requires openness. If you're not telling your partner about interactions and/or significant conversations you have with your opposite sex friend, your partner's going to get nervous.

Let your friendship be transparent. Invite your partner to be involved with your friend. Maybe he's not into pool-like you enjoy with your friend--or he doesn't get into horseback riding or rugby. He might not be interested in the activities you enjoy, but talking naturally about what you do and inviting him along, when appropriate, will go a long way to making this a non-issue.

The most important thing you can do to address this issue, though, is to connect more intimately with your partner. The two of you need to maximize your communication and your enjoyment of one another. Then, it's not a big deal if your friend is a guy or a girl.

WHEN TO BE "NICE," WHEN TO BE DIRECT

You're always supposed to be nice...right? That's the message in the Santa Claus song("....He knows when you've been naughty. He knows when you've been nice...") and that's what most mothers tell their kids. Particularly girl children.

But niceness has limitations. Sometimes you need to state the facts and let happen what happens.

NICE

When you're on the phone with customer service...even if you've had a long, frustrating wait or been hung up on several times. Be nice to the person on the other end of the phone. But be direct with the supervisor (this doesn't mean calling names or cursing. Neither will help).

When you're on a busy highway and people are trying to merge politely. Go ahead and let a couple of cars in. Don't, however, let every car in or the drivers behind you will have reason to get mad. Also, drivers who are pushy don't really deserve niceness, but you need to know when to back off. They could be carrying weapons and you don't want to end up on the evening news.

When you're correcting a subordinant. Talk about the action that needs changing, not the person. Sweeping generalizations aren't helpful and won't yield the changes you need. Raising your voice also isn't likely to give you the results you desire. Talk in a level voice. Nice works in this situation, but don't think you have to ignore a problem. This actually isn't kind to your employer, your subordinant or you.

Talking to kids (and others who "don't matter.") This is one of those times when you need to remember that just because a child is less powerful doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some decency. You don't have to suck up to kids. They don't appreciate this either, but do be kind and reasonable...even if you want to scream at them.

DIRECT

When you're breaking up with someone. This isn't the time to talk about all the reasons you like a person or say that you'll always be friends. The "friends" thing is usually just to make you feel better and it isn't reasonable if you're ending the intimate part of your relationship. Be fair and kind. Deal with your own struggle in losing the friend-part of the relationship. If you're breaking up, you need to let the other person go. You may think you're softening the blow, but it actually makes things worse.

When you're reporting a crime. If you've been assaulted by a friend of a friend or hurt by a family member, don't try to make this less horrible than it is. Nice isn't appropriate here. You deserve better.

When you're telling a mate or lover about a problem in the relationship. You may have a urge to sugar-coat or downplay what you're feeling: Don't. One of the saddest parts of a break-up is when one person professes complete unawareness of the problems. Yes, your mate may suck at listening to you, but you have a responsibility to speak up about what's bothering you. Don't think trouble will just go away. It doesn't. It just eats at the foundation of the relationship till you don't like each other anymore. Own your feelings. Don't blame. But say what's bothering you and make sure you're heard.''

Niceness can be helpful, but there are moments you need to say what you're thinking straight out...particularly with the people you love.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE

It is a sad fact that relationships end. Sometimes with no obvious warning and sometimes with lots of break-up/get-back-together phases. Losing an individual who's been very important in your life can be tremendously painful.

If you've struggled through long, hard relationship battles, the end to it all can almost be a relief, but even then, individuals can have a difficult time with loss. The termination can seem so final (with the "we can be friends" issue often muddying the previous committed couple water).

Dissolving relationships hurts, even if the dissolving part has been happening awhile.

We're all involved in heart-close interactions with other people and these require the participation of both parties. It's like a handshake--both have to clasp one another. Parent-child, friends, lovers: all bear some of the same characteristics. In the nature of this is the reality that, while it takes two people to make a relationship, it only takes one person deciding to leave to break up a relationship.

For whatever reason, sometimes people just go away.

The one who clings to the relationship can make adjustments or urge the other to fight more for their connection, but when to leave or whether to leave is an incredibly personal decision. Everyone gets to decide for him or herself. This kind of experience in families, with children at the center of the decision, can be especially painful. Parents struggle with feeling they should stay together for the kids.

Sometimes, though, it's the kids who urge them to separate. On the other hand, sometimes kids want their parents to stay together even if the family life is riddled with conflicts and strife.

K., a 14 year old girl, writes that her mom and dad are always fighting and have almost broken up several times. Each time the girl and her siblings begged them to stay together, despite her father's "moments" of anger and lashing out.

The children in this family feel the need to keep mom and dad together, but this isn't their job. Even though it's very scary to think about parents splitting up, kids can't be responsible for their parents' relationships. They can end up taking sides--aligning with one or the other parent--and functioning as the adults, trying to be peacekeepers.

Not their job. If the parents split, they split, and the kids need to know they can create new lives. They can adjust to the reality of a divorced family. It takes time and parts of it are jarringly painful, but K and her siblings might be happier on the other side.

Human beings need connection. We need also to realize the fragility of this and the cooperativity of it. Sometimes, people who care for each other stick through rough times and come to a better understanding.

Sometimes, they don't.

Hate this, if you want, but don't be crippled by it. Don't hesitate to risk connection. It's vital to your well-being, even if you have pain in the process. Even if the one you love, leaves.

DON'T HIDE PATERNITY

In the last century, parents routinely hid the fact of children being adopted and did everything they could to avoid discovery of this. The reasons for this well-meant deception aren't obvious, but if there was then a stigma attached to the adopted situation, there isn't now. There is, however, a sad reality that not all biological parents choose to be involved in their children's lives. Sometimes they don't even see the kid before disappearing, which has nothing to do with the child's worth and value.

One reader writes "My son is 11 yrs old and for the past year he has been asking me why he looks different than his brothers and if he was adopted. He of course wasn't adopted. But he does have a different father than his brothers. My husband and I began our relationship when he was only 2 and he started calling him Daddy so we just went with it....Can you please give me some advice on how to approach this with my son?"

Yes, you need to tell him the truth, and the sooner the better. You and your husband need to sit down with him and tell him that you were involved with his biological father before you met your husband. Tell him you haven't told him the truth all this time because you didn't know how and because you always wanted him to know that he's a full member of this family. You don't want him to think that his biological origins make him less important to your husband. This is the point at which his dad needs to earnestly express that your son is his son, that he loves him as he loves his other children and can't imagine his life without him.

Tell your son about his biological father now, so he doesn't feel you've lied to his whole childhood.

Then prepare yourself for questions. Your son will ask about his biological father and why he's not in his son's life. He'll ask why you guys broke up. He'll ask if he has any other siblings.

Tell him the truth and don't give into the temptation to sugar coat it. At the same time, don't say ugly things about his biological father. (This may be very tempting. Resist the urge.) If your son asks to meet his father, try to arrange it. If the guy doesn't respond or questions paternity, be careful what you pass on to your son. Keep it simple and factual. Tell your son that when he is a grown-up, he can pursue meeting his biological father, if he wants(always assuming the father doesn't want to meet him now).

The more involved your husband is in this conversation the better. Sometimes, non-biological parents worry that they'll be replaced if the real dad comes into the picture. This isn't the case, but it's a natural fear. If your husband shows any evidence of this, reassure him that parenthood involves being there for the child day in and day out--cleaning up after the child when he's sick and helping him learn to throw a ball. Parenthood isn't about DNA.

Still, secrets about DNA can rob individuals of information that is rightly theirs. Tell your son the truth. When he gets older, he may try to pursue a relationship with his biological father. This isn't a rejection of your husband. Don't freak out about it. Adolescence is a complicated unfolding of personhood. Your son has a right to know.

Your husband will always be his father. Your son will probably eventually get to the place to acknowledge this, even if he has to explore his biological connections first. In the best possibility, your son's biological father may now see the error of his ways and want a small, supporting part in the kid's life. That may not sound good now, but getting child support may be helpful and parenting teens can be challenging.

You may be glad to share the load with a third party. If nothing else, he can help pay for college.

MOM ISSUES

Having issues with a parent is so common it's become comedien-fodder. Think about all the "Mom" jokes you've heard. There are few things more that effect you more than how you get along with your parents.

They were massively involved in your developing self-worth and their lives impacted you at a very sensitive time...they probably still do. Your mom and dad--if they were present in your life--were the first people you looked to impress, the first ones you counted on to rescue you when you were in trouble.

Most people want their parents to be proud of them--as kids and adults.

But this isn't a simple relationship(actually, I'm not sure there are any). Parents are people who have issues like we all do, and your parents were certainly less than perfect. Even if they are really great people, there were moments when they let you down. Sometimes way down. Even though most individuals want to believe at times that family is everything, some families aren't happy or healthy.

C.H. writes "...My son is in a treatment center for his behavior and was making progress until he had a day pass with his grandma, sister and I. Since then, his counselor has stated that he's regressed. It's due to the constant bickering chaos that occurs when my mother and I are around each other. I would like to know how to deal with her, so it won't affect my son...I have a lot of resentment towards my mother and I really can't stand to be close to her...."

C.H. has a tremendously complicated situation with her concern for her son and her frustration with her mother muddying the waters. The easiest answer to this problem to greatly limit the time grandma spends with the son and with C.H., but that doesn't address C.H.'s own issues.

There is no law that says you have to maintain a relationship that's toxic, either with your parents or with your own adult children. You can end all contact. There are individuals who believe that the blood tie of kinship trumps all behavior, but I'm not one of them. In this world, we learn by consequences. No relationship should be above this; not even family ties. If a family member does you harm, end the relationship.

That's the easy conclusion, but the hard part is in sorting out the definition of "doing harm." Most people would agree that abuse--either physical or sexual--comes under this heading. Also included would be abandonment and parental neglect--not providing food, shelter, clothing to children. (You don't need these provided when you're an adult, but when you're a kid, they are your right.)

It is in your best interest, though, to look at your part in family conflicts. Your personal unaddressed and unresolved issues. You're not a helpless victim here. You interact, react and stimulate a certain amount of what goes on. Your feelings toward your parent and your anger may be understandable--lots of individuals have resentments against their parents and reasons for these.

If you're stuff starts to spill over and damage those around you, you need to get help for yourself. Cutting off contact with your parent won't end the personal behaviors you may be struggling with that contribute to the mess. Ask yourself if you're adding fuel to the family fights. Look at yourself. Go to counseling--not to straighten out the other person, but to learn how to deal with the challenges yourself.

I'm in no way saying that you're to blame for the family conflicts. Problems take at least two people, but you can learn to end it for you...and for those you love.

ADULT CHILDREN

It's not enough that they gave you stretch marks before birth and heart attacks every time your kids ran for the street, they're still troubling your sleep now. And they're all grown up. It may not seem like your adult child--over the age of eighteen--is acting very mature, but you have to come to accept what you can't change when they're at this age.

S.M. writes that she's worried about her twenty-six year old son's relationship. His girlfriend "...has called the police 3 times on [him]...for stealing her car.... She has brainwashed him into thinking that she 'helped' him by calling the police.... And now...she's pregnant."

P.G. is also concerned about an adult child. His daughter is only nineteen, but she's now pregnant by a 39 year-old sex offender. P.G. wants to tell this guy off and insist he"...break this off and not see my daughter again."

Unless this sex offender molests little children and you fear for your grandchild, you need to step back from this situation.

It is sad and painful to see adult children making incredibly poor relationship choices. You've had some years on this earth and you can see the heartache coming at them. This becomes particularly complicated when a grandchild comes into the picture and there sadly isn't a great answer to any of it.

You can't make the bad situation go away. It's understandable that you want to. Since they were tiny, you've sheltered them from cold and chased away the boogie man. This time you can't. And if you're not careful, you'll become the bad guy. If you volunteer your opinions and your kid isn't ready to see the problems or acknowledge what he needs to do about the relationship, your child will likely take all the conflict that bad relationship is stirring up inside him and turn in on you. You then become the problem and the kid may distance himself from you. Don't go here. Don't say mean things(even if they're true) about the mate.

Don't also try to make your child's life easier by giving too much monetarily or of yourself. This is a sink-or-swim thing. You have to let the kid learn.

The key here is to recognize your adult child as an adult who is capable of and fully able to make his own choices. It can seem easier to believe that the child is under the sway of an evil, harmful partner, but you need to see your child as powerful. After all, you want him to be in charge of his own life, to make his own choices and take care of himself.

Believe in him. Believe he can do this even though he's fumbling now and making bad choices. Even though you know he deserves better.

Yes, you have opinions about what "good" looks like for your kid. It may seem like he's nuts right now and you'd like to shake him awake, but believing in your kid is the greatest gift you can give him. He needs to see himself as in charge of his life. You may wish some random thing would happen to remove the bad influence this relationship seems to be exerting, but if this relationship was magically removed, there would always be others. The bad relationship isn't the issue.

He needs to learn how to take care of himself and he may have some tough lessons to get him there, but you really want him to learn these lessons.

Everything becomes more complicated when a grandchild is involved, but the approach is almost the same. Think about this situation as if a co-worker or friend were in it. You wouldn't make uninvited comments. You wouldn't tell them how to live their lives or when to leave the S.O.B. You'd sit quietly by (possibly struggling) but not saying anything unless you're specifically asked. Even if you are asked, be very, very careful what you say.

The trick here is to be loving and involved without being distracting. Your child has to deal with this himself. Don't succumb to the temptation to step in and sort everything out. Don't threaten the mate(Yes, I know this is hard.) Stay out of the way. The kid isn't twelve anymore.

Stay out of the mess. Do not fight for custody of your grandchild unless the child is actively being abused or neglected. It can be incredibly difficult to sit on the sidelines here and it'll seem much easier to just walk away. This is when love is really, really hard. It can feel like watching a drowning swimmer when you know you could dive in and rescue him, but don't give into that very natural impulse. He's got to live his life.

This may mean bad choices and worse relationships. You may have to visit your grandchild in homes you'd never occupy or wearing clothes you think are inappropriate. Don't assume care of the grandbaby or, if your child and his child moves in with you, don't act like you're the grandbaby's caregiver. Unless you're willing to go to court to fight for custody--and possibly end your relationship with your child--don't take the grandbaby as your own child unless this is a case for CPS. If the child is being cared for, do the loving grandparent thing and then step back.

Stay out of it..and beam love towards your child. Believe in him; don't rescue him. He needs to find his own strength. He needs to know you think he can do it, even if he's got doubts about that himself.

Even if you sometimes have doubts. Keep these to yourself and love him.

SHORT-TERM CONSEQUENCES

It's sad, but the only way we learn is to get the consequences of our choices. Some of these, though, are big and scary. You certainly don't want your children getting the natural consequences of running out into the street. Much of parenting is blocking the big consequences until the kid can learn to safe-guard himself. Knowing which consequences to block and which to let your kids have, though, is complicated.

Choice--consequence. Action--reaction. This is what activates the learning experience. Short-term consequences are adults' artificial ways to help kids make better choices. If a kid is making poor social choices, you want him to learn to be a better friend because in the long-run creating friendships will benefit his life. We'd rather have short-term, artificial consequences than allow children long-term, possibly irreversible consequences. The more clear and natural the link between the behavior and the consequence, the better. Whether you choose to use Time Outs or Grounding the kid from his favorite toy, the closer you can make the consequence to the behavior the more effective these will be.

Sadly, kids tend to think they're punished not because they've made a bad choice, but because you're angry. Not the point.

A very natural tendency is to shelter your child from all the harsh winds of life. You may have wished your parents would do that with you or they might have taken a few bullets for you and you want to be the same kind of parent.

It's important that, as your kids get older, however, that you don't interfere in their learning moments. This needs to start earlier than you may think. Take the lessons learned in school...the really important ones don't involved multiplication tables or grammer. Your child needs to start learning the vital lesson of personal responsibility. If he doesn't get that what he does can yield him either good or bad things, he won't experience his own power. He doesn't get to choose everything in life, but he gets to choose much of his own experience.

Responsibility and power are completely linked. Your child needs to learn how this works and he'll learn much more effectively through experience. Parents want to tell their kids these things, but kids have to experience life. Half the time, they don't listen well. They only hear you saying blah, blah, blah, rather than comprehending and using the pearls of wisdom you're trying to impart.

As a parent, you have the unenviable job of deciding when to step in and when to stay out.

A rule of thumb here is that, as the child grows older, intervene in his consequences less often. So, when he's in high school and comes up with a dirty urine test, indicating that he's dabbling in drugs, this isn't the time for you to charge up to the school and yell at them for being hard on him. When he's six and has drawn "creative" pictures on the chalkboard, though, it might be a good idea for you to talk with his teacher about what's going on with him.

When he's younger, it's appropriate for his parent to get more involved. When he's an adult, you need to step way back. You still love him, no matter how old he gets, but your parenting needs to change at that point.

Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this Earth. Giving your kid the consequences he chooses, though, is all about love.

BLENDING FAMILIES

With relationships failing and adults later dating and re-mating, children frequently become an issue. Parenting has both it's challenges and blessings, but what do you do when parenting problems spill into your relationship?

S.A. writes "...we're very happy with the exception of my boyfriend not liking my daughter. It wasn't this way in the beginning, but has been getting worse for about 7 months now. I can't take it anymore and feel it will ruin our relationship if we do not figure out how to overcome this..."

The sad fact is, S.A., that this will cause your relationship to fail, if not fixed. At least, it should, because your daughter(as annoying as she can be) deserves your care and protection. Parenting involves many blessings and many sacrifices. Kids deserved to be placed at a high priority in your world. If you have to pick--which it's hoped that you don't--you need to choose your daughter over your boyfriend.

There are many, ugly situations in which this doesn't happen and the child will never forget if you choose someone else over her.

That being said, your boyfriend probably has valid reasons for disliking the girl. Heck, she's your daughter and you don't always like her. Like and love are different things; you can have one without the other. The problem you're facing is that he doesn't love her, either.

Parenting and romantic relationships are the two hardest things humans do. Don't think this ought to be easier. It's not. However, you shouldn't have to pick one over the other. The important issue now is between S. A. and her boyfriend.

Start off by asking him to tell you honestly what he doesn't like about the kid. If he'll do this, you really need to keep your mouth shut and listen. Let him say everything he has to say without you rushing in to defend the kid. You'll probably have this urge and you need to fight it. Listen to him. Hear the things he finds troubling, then ask yourself honestly if these things bother you, too. Take some time to ponder this; don't rush into a response.

If you agree with him about the things that bother him, tell him. It's not disloyal to say what you don't like. If the kid's lying, stealing or tattling, these behaviors aren't good for the child. No one likes these and they'll cause problems for her eventually, anyway.

If you agree with him about her behavior, use the connection with your mate to brainstorm ways to deal with the child. It's a parenting reality that you'll need others to help you come up with ways to best cope with bad behavior. Sometimes, parenting is really, really hard.

If you disagree with him--she doesn't do the things he's saying--look at his issues. Parents have a tendency to be blind to their own kids' behaviors. (Think about the parents who go on the stand and plead the innocence of perpetrators who logically seem guilty.) Make sure you're being honest with yourself about your child. If you honestly don't think the issue lies with the kid, look at your partner's feelings. Does he feel threatened by the child? Is he wanting you to pick him over her to prove your love?

If you disagree with him, you need to look at relationship problems. If there is trouble over a child(and it's not really about the child), there are difficulties elsewhere, too. Take a hard, cold look at how you and he interact. Does he listen to what's bothering you? Are you really seeing his point of view? If the two of you have issues that you're avoiding, they'll find you one way or the other.

Bottom Line: You are your child's protector. If you and your boyfriend can't work this out through improved communication, you need to seriously ask if you're really taking care of the kid. If the issues in your relationship are playing out with your child bearing the brunt, you need to leave.

The kid comes first. It may be sad and you may grieve the boyfriend, but she's dependent on you. She deserves to grow up in a safe, non-hostile environment.

GROWING UP TOO FAST

Parents understandably worry about their teens and pre-teens rushing into adult choices. You know the risks, the dangers waiting. You've been their age and you'd probably do a few things differently yourself.

One reader writes asking for advice about "...what to do with my daughter. She's 16 years old and I've caught her on more than a few occasions talking sexually to boys, some of them she hasn't even met. I've tried to talk to her, whipping isn't the answer and right now she's grounded until I figure something out."

This is a very scary place for a parent to be. You don't want your child to do things that will change her life forever in a very negative way. You want to protect her, but she's not the toddler you held close to keep her from bad things. Here are a few things to try:

Listen to the kid. This is hard if she's not talking to you about her world, but she's probably saying some stuff, most of which you don't want to hear. Listen anyway. Even if you want to interrupt to warn her, to correct her, to gather her up and rush to an isolated island where she'll be safe from this until she's 35--fight the urge. Just listen to her and work on understanding her feelings, her desires, her anxieties, her point-of-view. If she's jumping into sexual behavior with boys, it's a good bet that she's trying to make a connection emotionally. She wants someone to like her, to want her. You can understand that.

Talk about your own choices. This freaks a lot of parents out because they're embarrassed about things they did and/or they really don't want their kids to make some of their choices. Still, you need to share your feelings and experiences about the choices you made. Don't just tell her your mistakes, although that's important, tell her why you did what you did. You want the kid to know that you know what she's dealing with. Tell her the results of your choices; tell her what you dealt with. Tell her this is why you're worried about her now. Don't expect her, however, to automatically learn from your mistakes. Everyone gets to make their own, as sad as it can be to watch.

Talking honestly about your choices and the results of these will go a long way toward getting your kid's attention.

Don't preach. There's a place for sermons, but this isn't it. Don't give in to the very natural urge to lecture. Kids stop listening when you lecture. It won't help.

Don't make it easy. If your daughter's sneaking out at night to do bad things or your son is quietly using dope in his bedroom, you need to ask yourself if you're making those choices easy. Are you gone a lot at night? Do you leave the kid alone for hours at a time? Many parents have work schedules that make it hard to be home when their kids are there, but this is an important part of parenting. Just being present gives you some brownie points. If you have alcohol or drug issues yourself, then you've got to face the fact that you're role-modeling some pretty destructive behavior and, while you're under the influence, the kid is on her own and probably making as many bad choices as you are yourself.

It also comes under this heading that you take away her cell phone if she's using it to send nasty texts or semi-naked photos of herself. Yes, you'll have to look at the messages sent to see what they involved. It may feel like this snooping is wrong, but it's actually part of your job. Trust me, the girl can exist without a cell phone.

Step back. This is probably the hardest part of parenting. It's also very important. You love your kids and you've probably done a bunch of stuff, like the mother who wrote, to keep them from doing things they'll later regret. There's a point, though, that you have to let your kid feel the consequences of her own choices. While this isn't usually true when the child is under the age of 18, when she's an adult, you need to back off. Accept that your child--for whatever reason--has moved into behavior with sad consequences. This may involve drugs or pregnancies or both.

Love the kid even if you hate the choices, but don't think it's good to rush in to try and clean up the mess she's making. When she's moved into areas you cannot control, you need to step back.

You need to breathe, to have a life of your own. Invest in self-care. If your child is making unhealthy choices as an adult, you need to find that emotional place that allows you to still care and be supportive, without trying to make everything okay.

Don't let yourself believe that all her ugly, scary choices are because of what you did or didn't do. She has a mind of her own. You can love her, but you're still only responsible for your own actions.

Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Some times it can be joyous; sometimes heart breaking.

ALONE BY CHOICE?

Why give yourself the grief of one more failed relationship? Why not opt out on the whole thing and embrace personal isolationism? Dump the significant other search, let your kids(if you have any) go to the devil and live all alone? It sounds like a relief, if you've been beating your head against relationship walls. So why not?

Because humans need relationships. Just look at the statistics and you'll see that humans in contact with others live longer, happier lives. Sometimes, it sucks, but we need one another.

You were born needing the care of others to keep you from dying and you still need it now. But relationships--romantic or not--are complicated and sometimes hard. Being alone might seem easier and much more simple, but that doesn't mean alone is healthier. Aside from the consideration of your physical well-being and your cardiac health, you need relationships to help you grow as a person.

It's like exercise. You need the gasping, wheezing, heart-pounding part to keep yourself from sliding into physical decay. The benefits are well-documented. Your doctor may have told you to get up off your keister and move. All to stress and strengthen the pump in your chest. There is lots of advice available to help guide you through good dietary choices and help you know which is the best activity for your lifestyle.

This isn't to say that exercise is always fun. Aside from the odd individual who loves running, biking and mountain-climbing into their seventies and eighties, exercise is generally something you do because you know it's good for you.

This is an attitude which will benefit your relationships, as well.

Being alone can be tempting, at times, but it puts you at risk. Relationships are challenging, but they can bring positives that aren't immediately visible. Just as not exercising can harden your arteries and make your heart less effective, being alone makes you vulnerable to becoming encased in your own perspective.

We all have individual ways of seeing the world, some parts of which are accurate and some inaccurate. Very few people are uniformly bad. Most of us have good qualities along with the not-good behaviors. You have your own take on stuff and part of this is incorrect. Part of your beliefs/thoughts/feelings are completely accurate, but not all. When you interact with others in relationships, your perspective bumps against that of others. The resulting conflict is supposed to give you a reason to do some self-examination.

You're not always right or always wrong, but you need someone who cares about you enough to argue this out, in order for you to see beyond yourself. Relationships can be worked out. It does take effort, but this effort isn't beyond you. You can do this.

You might not realize you're in self-protective mode. If you can't find anyone (who's not an idiot)to date, you need to look at your own willingness to wade into the water. Maybe you're fearful of being hurt. If you're not investing in others' lives, they won't invest in yours and you need them.

Believe in yourself and believe in your fellowkind. Others are stumbling along, too, and they need you. Whether you need to date outside your comfortable pool or create mentoring relationships with those still coming up, you'll benefit by opening your life.

It'll make you healthier and give you good things, along with the challenges.

PORN--THE DISCONNECTED CONNECTION

Looking at strangers doing sex acts can have an odd sense of intimacy to it. You're watching erotic images which triggers your own arousal. It's not exactly auto-eroticism because you're not completely by yourself. You can get into lots of variations from just looking at images on your monitor or in magazines from having sexual interactions via webcam. There may be phone calls and emails. You might actually hook up with strangers in motel rooms or you may sit in your bedroom at home searching for more and more on-line videos.

It can get to feel like an addiction you've tried to stop, but found yourself getting pulled back into.

The thing about on-line porn is that it's so easy and so comfortable. Heck, you're in your pajamas or you can sit totally naked and cruise the net. You may have a spouse in the other room asleep or a girlfriend at work and this porn thing feels more okay than actual cheating. Your mate may have even dabbled in it with you, at one time, but much of your viewing pleasure is alone and you may find you're going to porn instead of dealing with real life relationships.

Porn feels real without the mess of being real. At least, that's how it seems.

In actual relationships, you have disagreements and conflicts that don't feel good. You might not think your mate listens to you or cares what's important to you. If you forget to take out the trash or you're not thrilled to have her relatives around, she cuts you off and doesn't want sex. With porn, you don't have to jump through hoops for sex.

The problem is that you also don't real connections. Emotional intimacy is complicated and frustrating, at times, but it offers benefits you can't get from living your sexual life in a dark room in front of a glowing screen. In the real world, you have relationship challenges that, when faced and dealt with, strengthen you. You have a real person who cares about you and, while she argues with you, she also laughs with you and teases you and enjoys your successes.

Meeting a stranger in a parking lot and doing the nasty in your car carries risks that can seem exciting. It also leaves you empty inside.

You deserve better.

Invest in the real world. As messy as it can be, the rewards are much greater. With the challenge of communicating comes the success of learning to say what you need and of seeing her point-of-view. If you don't currently have a relationship and porn is your substitute, you're missing out. You need a living, breathing person in your bed who actually cares how your day went. Someone who gets your jokes and thinks you're smart. Get out there and start dating. It can feel as stressful as going on a lot of job interviews, but making the connection is worth the effort. Sometimes a session or two with a therapist can help you see what you're doing to trip yourself up.

Don't give up on yourself. Real life relationships can be messy and painful. They also can give you what you really need. Someone to be with. Someone who thinks you're hot and sexy and terrific. Someone to hold your hand when you're lonely (and other parts when you're feeling frisky) and rub your back when you're tired. A whole, complete relationship.

You can't find that through porn.

MAKING UP RIGHT

You're starting to think about her calling without wanting to throw your cell phone out the window and the blow-up has blown over. Now, what? While it's very tempting to snuggle up to your squeeze and pretend the whole thing never happened, this would be a mistake.

The problem with letting bygones be bygones is that you still don't get it.

What caused the problems in the first place? You guys might have gotten to the yelling point over a number of things--she was acting like she digged another guy at the club. Or she found out that you'd texted another woman(just as friends). Or you got tired of her nagging you. Maybe she acted like she didn't have time for you. You might have wanted to hang out with your dudes(and she got mad) or you just found out she bought another new pair of shoes and spent an ungodly amount on them. Whatever.

If you get friendly again, hoping this won't happen again, but not doing anything about the problem,...it'll happen again.

Even if this relationship has been hot and has lasted longer than most of your relationships--even if you love her more than you thought you could love a woman--the trouble spots don't just go away. So, make this fight up, but make it up right.

This is about solving the problem.

The first thing is to figure out what the problem really was. It may seem obvious to you(see above list of arguments), but the two of you were fighting about something more central. It may seem too girly to think about this, but what really matters is what you felt about whatever happened. Whether this fight was about money, sex or what you do with your free time, the emotions involved are where it lives.

Money hits down to the core for most people. It means security or having choices or power, but whichever, it's never unimportant. Sex is about feeling loved, powerful, desired or free. You need to figure out--when you were in the middle of the fight--what were you really mad about. Getting to this can be challenging. You'll probably have to do some serious thinking. This is an internal, generally by yourself thing, although sometimes a close friend or a therapist can help by telling you what they see. You need to know what got you hot(in a bad way).

Knowing what bothered you is the first step. You also need to find out what really bothered her--why she got all pissy. If you felt threatened and not important to her when she danced with another guy(several times) at the club, does she get mad back at you because you don't trust her? Maybe the guy asked her to dance and she didn't want to seem like she was blowing him off or you'd gone off to hang with your dudes and she wanted to dance. There are lots of possibilities, but you can't get to the core of the problem until you figure out your own reaction and try to understand hers.

Fighting is an art. Do it well and you have a good chance of being happy in a relationship. Don't resolve things and you'll almost certainly be looking for a new relationship eventually.

WHAT YOUR KIDS SAY ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Your kids may actually want you to get a divorce, particularly if you and your mate are fighting a lot or if your fights are ugly. Don't think your children don't know when the two of you are arguing. They may be plugged into their MP3 players and texting on their cell phones while playing video games, but they know. They pick up tension between the grown-ups like Bounty towels absorb spills.

Even though you have to remind your kid a hundred times to pick up the wet towels off the bathroom floor, he remembers every time you and your mate get into it. He may not seem to take sides, but he knows about the fights. He may even mention them in a very offhand way to his friends, but don't freak out that the neighborhood has all the details of your bigger blow-ups. When this is referred to between themselves, kids are commiserating--their friends' parents are fighting, too.

Your child is into his life. He's got his friends and his sports. He's living his own life. Don't think that means that yours isn't effecting him.

Of course what the kid really wants is not to have to worry about you. He cares about your unhappiness, but doesn't want this to intrude on his. He wants to go on with being immersed in his own life. If he mumbles "Thanks, mom" when you pick him up from a late movie or remembers to wish you happy birthday, you probably feel touched. But you may not be aware that the relationship choices you're making have an impact on him. And not always in the way you think.

Kids usually don't want their parents to split, but sometimes they think it's best.

If you and his dad are already divorced( or never-married-and-now-broke-up) he's aware of when you're angry with his father and he hears--no matter how careful you are--what you say about his dad.

When you decide to stay in a relationship "for the kids", make sure this is best for the children. Even when divorce involves financial changes, if you're better off and healthier, your children will be happier. While divorce doesn't magically lead to you finding a golden life, it can lessen the day-to-day stress both you and your child live with.

All parents fight...even the ones who don't "fight" have disagreements. But make sure your conflict with your mate is productive and that the two of you are enjoying each other, too.

EASY ISN'T EASY

Hard is no fun, but taking the easy road will buy you some ugly consequences. Whether we're talking relationships or jobs, be suspicious of those that don't require anything from you. Nothing that comes cheap is worth much.

This isn't to say you should climb Everest or look for impossible suitors. Just know that easy breezy is a great look, but not a great motto. Don't sell yourself short. You can do the hard stuff that's worth doing. You can earn the degree that will net you the career you want and you can face fears that have haunted you too long.

Doing scary, hard things doesn't require you to be particularly fearless, it just takes you moving forward even though you're afraid. Heros aren't built with no fear; they do what needs to be done inspite of fear. Believing in yourself isn't having a lack of doubt--most of us doubt ourselves, at times. The belief part comes from considering that you might have what it takes to do what you know needs to be done.

There are tons of things that aren't particularly fun, but which can get you into a better place--interviewing for a job you want, going on a first date with someone in whom you're interested, completing a degree. None of these are easy, but all can be worthwhile.

Easy as a life motto can cost big.

Taking the easy road can mean engaging in behaviors that are conflict-avoidant. Get real. Conflict is a part of life. Avoiding conflict on principle makes you a bad bet for a relationship and a bad risk as a friend. Participating in others' lives involves having to face unpleasant or challenging moments. You don't have to ask for them, but conflict needs to be faced when it arises.

It takes courage to admit the truth when a lie looks like the way to avoid consequences. The problem with this choice is that consequences are vital to the learning process. You need them to get verification for the right steps and realization of the wrong steps. Whether your cheating your way through an exam or a relationship, you're risking yourself. Facing up to the music can be ugly, but not facing it is even uglier.

Risk big; earn big. The harder moments in life usually involve lessons you need to learn. Go there. Believe in yourself enough to jump the high hurdles--tell your mate your true feelings. Tell your boss if you think you can handle the promotion. Tell the truth.

Ask yourself questions, even though you're afraid of the answers. Be brutal. The pay-off is that you're better equipped to handle the hard stuff. Knowing yourself will enable you to make better choices and take bigger risks with others. Don't put off paying the piper. You can handle this. You can do the hard thing. Be honest with yourself about what's really at risk and what you're really afraid of. You don't get to make others take the risks they ought to take, but you are responsible for the ones you avoid or embrace.

Moral courage is a tough choice, but you'll feel better about yourself at the end of the day.

Easy isn't easy. You may push your consequences off until another day, but they come roaring back, bigger and badder than ever. Do the hard thing--the right thing, now.

YOU DON'T GET TO TELL YOUR EX

Divorce is tough on kids, but parents who are divorcing get a real shock, too. While you might not think about this while you're dealing with property settlements and child support, you need to realize that co-parenting with a divorced parent isn't the same as co-parenting with a mate with whom you're still involved.

The break-up period can be really confusing. First, you have the challenge of coming to terms with the fact that the two of you aren't going to make it. There may have been some back-and-forth to this, with one or both of you changing your minds several times about whether things are bad enough to warrant severing the relationship. This can be exhausting. You don't always hate your ex; there was a time when you loved(and liked) her. Most people don't wish their ex dead, so separating can be difficult.

You've probably heard the maxim that once you've had children together, the other person will always been in your life. This is true, at least while the kids are minors. When they reach adulthood, things generally get easier, holidays and weddings aside. This isn't true when the children are young, though. To some degree, you'll have to interact. Some people get very creative with texting and email, never actually speaking to their ex-partners.

A reality of divorcing or breaking-up when you have kids together is that you have to let go of most input into how the other parent does her job. You have a legal say in matters of health and education, but beyond that, you usually don't get to say squat. It may seem like you should be able to say who she should(or shouldn't) date or at the least who should (or shouldn't) be around your kids.

You don't.

You usually don't get to tell you ex who sleeps over or who keeps your kids when your ex isn't there. You also don't get to tell your ex how to discipline or what pets they keep or how much they drink when the kids are with her. In some parts of the country, you may get a legal injunction against your mate having dates sleep-over, but you don't get to say who she marries. Most counties don't even have much to say about the sleep-over issue. You don't have a vote about your ex-wife embraceing a new religion--or leaving the one you've raised the kids in. She can get wild and go out every weekend. You can't make her live like you want.

All this may seem wrong. After all these are your kids, too. But the hard cold reality is that she doesn't get to tell you how to parent and you don't get to tell her how to parent. She may be lenient when you think the kids need her to follow-through or you might think she's too hard on them.

You have opinions about all of this, but you don't get to vote.

You have legal rights, of course. Depending on the divorce decree, she'll probably have to live within a certain distance of your residence. But you don't get to tell her whether she can spank or not; whether she should drink and stay out all night(as long as a responsible person is with the kids) or whether she "dates" a guy who's in prison.

Divorce or breaking up with your co-parent automatically puts all your parenting on another level. But staying together for the kids is only good when you can resolve your couple problems and get back on track. Your kids don't want you together if you're fighting constantly and unhappy all the time. They'll be unhappy, too.

If you do split, make sure you know what this means in regards to parenting choices.

RELATIONSHIP POISON

If you want to kill your relationship, never resolve conflicts. When you argue, make sure you repeat your points over and over and never listen to his. When he's talking, be thinking about what you have to say next. Get mad when he yells, and make sure you don't hear what he's trying to say.

True, no one likes being yelled at. It's rude and scary.

But people yell when they don't feel heard or when they're very upset about something. Yelling isn't the best way to get someone to listen, but it is a natural tendency. Listen to him. Hear his feelings, not just what he's saying. What he's feeling. People yell when they feel threatened or frustrated.

Then talk about what you feel. If he doesn't listen to you, tell him you love him and you need him to hear your concerns. If you have to, say the same words again calmly--like a broken record. Talk about your feelings rather than making accusations against him or telling him what you think he feels. Neither of these work.

It's natural to just want to stop fighting, to hope that not talking about the problem will give it a chance to go away. Problems don't go away, though. They sit and fester, growing uglier in the dark.

You won't get over arguments. It may seem like this is a functional way to deal with issues, but the fact that the same fights pop up over and over is an indication that the original problem didn't just go away because you stopped fighting about it.

There are two parts to giving the relationship a chance to resolve disagreements--talk and listen. Both are really, really important. You need to hear not just what he's saying, but what he feels about the situation. Let's be honest: Most individuals don't say what they feel. They make accusations and blame one another for various things.

The other really important part is to Ask yourself what you feel. Hurt, mad, disappointed, unloved, disregarded, scared--whatever. Then tell him your feelings. Both listening and talking are vital to working through a relationship problem. You can't find effective resolution if you don't start with what matters. You're upset. Figure out why.

Figure out how he feels. Ask him. Then listen to what he says. You may have to sort through his words. He might say "I feel that you are...." which isn't really a feeling. It's more of an accusation. What does he feel?

If you can fill in the blanks, this is an effective communication: "When you do this ____, I feel ____."

Don't let problems sit unresolved. They eat at the foundation of the relationship and soon enough there's nothing left of your love for one another.

Unsettled issues poison the relationship. Deal with them or deal with the consequences of not dealing with them.

NOT TOO COMFORTABLE

The womb was comfortable for your child, but he had to leave it eventually. He had to be born, to separate himself from you and to be his own person. He had to grow up.

As a parent, you've put big effort into taking care of him. You spent a fortune on his athletic shoes and his regular check-ups. You stayed up nights working to make money or bathing his fevered brow. You've worried and cautioned and worried some more.

You might also have made his life too comfortable. If your child never wants for anything, why stress about moving forward?

When adolescent children start to demand benefits as their right, trouble is starting. Some parents can afford to buy kids nice cars and send them to the "best" college they can get into, but many parents can't. Still, parents and children frequently see these--and more--as obligatory. Kids feel they have a right to a lifestyle their parents have worked hard to achieve.

Your kids need to not be given everything they want. If all needs are met like when they were infants, adolescents don't learn to cope functionally with the gap--the distance between what they want and what they have. The gap gives individuals motivation. They learn to achieve because it gets them what they want. Whether this is grades in school or money to go to the movies, kids need to see the connection between working toward and getting.

As parents have managed to improve lifestyles, they've provided tons for their children. After all, you love to give to the ones you love. But this may not be good for them.

The image of the entitled youth involves MP3 players, laptops, name label everything and money in their pockets. If the kid is working for some of this, he gains a sense of his own power. He's earned stuff, not just had it given to him.

Parental love sometimes means withholding--even if you can afford to get things for your kid and give him money, make sure it's best for him before you do this. Be very careful that you're not buying into the belief that you want him to fit in with his friends, so you buy him every expensive thing he wants. Don't deceive yourself that he needs an Iphone to compete in school or to call you if he's in trouble. Don't open your wallet everytime he holds out his hand.

It doesn't encourage your child to learn how to succeed if he never has to strain, never has to do without.

Help him learn to handle his money. Give him an allowance and don't make this lavish. Then he gets to spend as he chooses. If you refrain from giving him additional money whenever he asks, he'll learn to budget to buy the fun things he wants. Encourage him to get a part-time job. Learning to work--for someone other than you or a god parent--will help him learn how to work for a boss who doesn't necessarily love him. He'll have to negotiate through working with others and managing his schedule. He'll have to decide what's most important to him and how to spend his time as well as his money.

Parents will sometimes want their kids to pursue school activities, saying that's their biggest job. While it is true that education is very important, don't let yourself believe he's working toward a scholarship or getting into a really good college and this then exempts him from taking care of other life requirements.

Being a successful adult means making choices. Sports may be fun, but ask yourself if this needs to be your child's biggest priority. How likely is it that your child will get that athetic scholarship? Is he willing to sacrifice free time or extra money to get it? If so, he's working toward a goal and that's rewarding in itself.

Make sure you're not working harder than your child to get the things that will make him comfortable. Let him succeed. The only way to do this is help him earn his own success. Make him too comfortable and he won't see the value of striving.

ALWAYS ASK WHY

Understanding life is only less difficult than understanding yourself and the people who are important to you. Always ask why--Why you've taken a specific action or why your friend said a certain thing. Why is an important question to develop understanding.

Make sure, though, that you're really questioning, not accusing. This is important when you're trying to understand others and when you're looking at yourself.

When you have relationship issues or problems with a colleague at work, take a good look at your actions and make a determined effort to understand yourself first. Knowing why you act a certain way can be difficult, but this is important if you have any chance of changing your part in difficult situations. You need to see your part, if only to see how you can avoid getting into these situations, in the first place.

Examining your own behavior is imporant. Take a good look at the reasons behind your choices and do this without self-recrimination. You'll block your understanding if you're busy blaming yourself or telling yourself harsh, judgmental things. Look at your struggles, as well as, your strengths. Personal growth can only be experienced when you see the parts you need to grow.

It's also vital to understand the people around you. This can be even more difficult, particularly if you believe everyone reacts and feels as you do. Let me break it to you--they don't. We have a jumbled up world of all different kinds of people with different backgrounds, different needs and different desires. You need to see situations from the other person's point-of-view. This will help you make better assessments of interactions and relationships.

Always ask why. And ask it without judgment or blame. Ask why from a desire to understand. You may not always get a favorable response, but more often than not, asking for understanding will benefit your relationships and your life in general.

The hardest part about asking why is really listening to the answer. When you get a response, you may have the urge to correct the other person's statement, assumptions or accusations about you. You'll probably shoot back a reaction immediately, because when individuals are upset, they react quickly, interrupting or challenging the other person's statement. All this is understandable, but it won't get you where you want to go.

Listen with your mouth closed. Really, really listen.

You'll hear things with which you don't agree. You'll want to refute stuff as if you were in a courtroom, defending yourself. Don't. Focus on listening to what the other person says as her point of view. This isn't absolute reality. It's a perspective. We all have viewpoints. You want to hear hers. You want to listen to how she sees things.

Resist the urge to straighten her out. It won't help and it won't make you feel better over the long run.

Ask why. Ask yourself why you feel as you do. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. Always seek to understand. Seeking to understand yourself will give you tremendous gifts. If you understand, you can be more in charge of your own behavior and your life.

YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WORK

It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to walk away.

This might not seem fair when your heart and your life are on the line, but she doesn't have to stay. Sometimes people leave, even when you're trying your hardest. You may turn yourself inside out to keep her happy, trying to look at your own issues and how you're adding to the problems. Even if you soul-search and jump through hoops, you still can't make it work by yourself.

Don't let yourself believe that she should stay, that she somehow owes it to you. This isn't about should. It's about the nature of relationships. Both powerful and fragile, relationships can be the hardest thing you'll do in your life...and you can't do it alone. Stalking and imaginary relationships take place in one person's head, but not complete, functional relationships. Your partner needs to be as in this thing as you are.

She gets to leave you, if she wants. Letting go can be very difficult, but it might be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Step back some and ask yourself what happened here. Don't let yourself believe that this was perfect and beautiful until some other man came along and stole your life. It doesn't work this way. If a relationship is solid, a third party cannot sneak into it. This is a myth individuals sometimes use to comfort themselves (which is understandable if they've been hurt), but it's not a reality. You need to look at what this really was, how it really worked.

If you have clear, functional, open communication, if both parties are invested in making this work and if you are both getting what you need out of the relationship, people don't cheat. And they don't usually leave. Of course, those are a lot of "Ifs". You may want to argue with this, citing that some people are lousy individuals and some just cheat for no reason. This is a simple, incomplete view, though, and it doesn't help you deal with your loss, even if you feel better at first.

There must be two people in every relationship, but you can only direct your own function. You don't get to tell her what she needs to do or how she should act with you. You are your own power. You need to look--as objectively as possible--about what you're contributing to the problems. This learning is gold and it's what you gain from the relationship struggles you end up resolving and those you don't. Your power lies in what you do and don't do. You have a responsibility only for your own actions--believe me, this is hard enough. You don't get to direct your partner's choices nor are you responsible for what she does. This is her thing, her power.

Look at yourself. Examine carefully your own actions--did you talk to her about what was bothering you? Talk, not scream? Did you shut yourself and your emotions off? Did you have a hard time listening to her. Did you place her needs and desires at a high priority? Look at your behavior and learn how you can be a better partner. Listen to the accusations she threw at you, the complaints you sometimes blew off, and see what you need to change.

Relationships add to your life. They give comfort when life is difficult and challenge individuals to deal with issues that need to be dealt with. Don't think, though, that you have the power to make one work all by yourself.

PARENTING: A JOB WITH TERM LIMITS

There are two parts of parenting--the role of nurturing and educating your young children and the love you have for them. One role will last as long as you draw breath, but the other has a shelf life. When your child is little, your job is to shelter and protect, as well as, love her. You keep her from running into the street and you protect her against those who would harm her. You talk about Stranger Danger and you encourage her to ask you questions about life difficulties.

When she is an adult, however, you have to back up. As much as you love her and as much as you've learned some hard lessons yourself and want to protect her from the mistakes she make be making, you need to resist the urge to give her unrequested advice. Even when advice is requested, be very, very careful how you answer. It isn't appropriate or functional for parents to direct an adult child.

As a person who is deeply invested in her well-being, you might feel you know best what she should do...and you might. But she still needs to figure this life out herself. She needs to make mistakes, even though you don't want this for her. Mistakes teach us the important lessons of life.

When she was a young person living in your home, you probably made your opinions known. Mistakes you made that you now regret were there as examples for her.

Now she gets to make her own choices, even when these are stupid and sad.

Work hard to remember, too, that her path probably isn't the same as yours. If you pursued one career, but later wished you'd done otherwise, don't assume she should now make the career decisions you wish you'd made. She isn't you. She's unique and different. What works for her is probably very different than what you'd choose. Encourage her to get an education and pursue her goals, but don't assume your goals are hers.

It's easy to think your reactions and your feelings are those that others should share. This is automatic for some. Individuals can think their feelings in a given situation are what everyone feels, but this frequently isn't so. Respect your own individuality and hers. Just because you share similar hair color and laugh the same way doesn't mean you want the same things in life. And if you do want different things, it doesn't mean she's rejecting your choices as bad or that she doesn't love you.

Parental love extends over a lifetime. She'll always need that, even when she doesn't say it.

She doesn't need your opinions, though, when she's heading into rough waters. You've lived longer and had many challenges: You know stuff. That doesn't mean you need to tell her when she's headed into rough waters. Be very aware that this part of parenting stops when she's an adult. You need to stop giving your opinion, stop telling her what she should do and stop making snide remarks about things you saw coming(and warned her of, but she didn't listen).

Just love her and believe in her even when she's screwing up. This will benefit her much, much more than you telling her what she ought to do.

COPING SKILLS--MIXED BLESSINGS?

When you were a kid, you developed coping skills. You were small and poorly-equipped for dealing with many of life's challenges and you did the best you could. Whether you hid and avoided risky, conflicted situations or met them swinging and got into a bunch of fights, you did your best to survive.

Even if you had negative consequences for some of these--like getting in trouble at school or being massively embarrassed by whatever was going on around you--your coping skills helped you. The more challenging the situations you faced, the more devious and powerful the coping skills.

The problem is, however, that as beneficial as these coping behaviors might have been at one time, they're probably not helping you now. When a kid grows up in an argumentative, alcoholic home where arguments often led to physical fights, as an adult he doesn't want to have conflict in his relationships, at all. No conflict. Not even the milder, potentially functional argument over differences with a mate. Every disagreement feels bad and, with this kind of background, it only makes sense to avoid these.

Given that scenario, you don't know how to disagree without things turning ugly, so you'll avoid conflict totally, if you can. Which, of course, you can't.

The coping skills that once benefited you may be hindering you now.

Envision that you're in rough waters, pitching to and fro. You'd grab a life preserver--an inner tube--whatever you could. But while this was helpful in the situation, if you grow up and leave the water, carrying the inner tube with you becomes a nuisance and a hindrance, making it hard to fit into tight spaces and negotiate through life.

You've probably out-grown some of your coping skills and found that these are as much a problem for you now as they were a help before.

Avoiding conflicts, refusing to talk about or acknowledge your feelings, eating to feel better after a fight, hoping disagreements will blow over--none of these really work. Whether your disagreement is with a mate or a best friend, you need to learn to resolve these, to listen to the other person's point-of-view and to talk about your own. This is the only way to work through the issues that spring up between individuals. Knowing your own triggers and those of the other person helps you to find a solution to your conflict.

If you coped with life through chemical means--using pharmaceuticals or pot to mellow you out--you aren't dealing with the emotions and issues that are littering your path. Some coping skills can be beneficial; others aren't.

Everyone needs methods to cope with stressful moments, but these need to be as functional as possible. Even "healthy" behaviors can be unhealthy when taken to extremes. Your coping strategies need to add to your life, not stress you more. Work toward a balance in your life...even if that means losing the inner tube that once held you up. Don't be harsh with yourself for carrying a coping skill around, just don't be chained to it when this behavior isn't helping you, anymore.

IT WON'T BLOW OVER

I hate to break it to you, but disagreements don't just go away. You might stop arguing about something, but that doesn't mean the conflict evaporates. Couples sometimes want to believe whatever they're fighting about will just drift away, but this doesn't really happen. You have a point; he has a point. You both have strong feelings about the situation. Don't succumb to the hope that you'll both forget this.

You fight, yell, make snarky comments and accusations. You're mad, hurt, betrayed, upset--whatever. Maybe all that, but you've been here before and you got over it, right?

No. Not really. These kind of emotions and conflicts don't just blow over. You need to know that ignoring conflicts doesn't mean they don't exist. If you stop arguing, kiss-and-make up and go on, the issue has just gone underground. It doesn't mean things are resolved just because one or both of you got tired of going 'round and 'round.

The things you argue about may seem stupid and pointless, but the disagreement won't just disappear, unless you resolve it. It's tempting to think that you'll both get over this like it's a cold, or something, but relationships don't work this way. Even if you stop fighting, stop talking about it or apologize, issues are still there. Just because you're not talking about the elephant in the room, doesn't mean it isn't there. It's hiding in the back of the metaphorical closet, weakening your love for one another.

You need resolution. Your relationship needs this.

You can decide you're tired of talking about it. You might have sex or a sandwich and you think you've moved on. Nope. It doesn't work this way. Even if the thing you were fighting about isn't large and earth-shattering, the feelings between you are important. You can agree-to-disagree or capitulate, but that doesn't mean the rift in the relationship is resolved.

Listen to each other. Don't fall into the pattern of each being so concerned about getting your point across that you don't actually hear what's upsetting to your mate. And don't let yourself dismiss your partner's feelings as silly or ridiculous. They may not make sense to you, but that doesn't make them any less real or any less valid. Your partner needs you to hear what he's saying and to work to understand why he's saying what he's saying.

If resolved, conflicts between couples can actually be strengthening. The process isn't comfortable, but the end result can be that you find a greater understanding of each other and of yourself. You might just hope that the problems will go away, but it's better for the relationship if you talk it out. You both need to listen really, really hard and come to an understanding.

Emotions don't have a reason that's always "reasonable," but that doesn't mean they're stupid or wrong. If you or your mate feel threatened in the relationship, this is significant. If one or the other of you struggles with jealousy, you need to understand why. Relationships are the best place to learn about and improve yourself, but this only happens if you deal with what's going on.

STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF

This also comes under the heading of explaining. You might want to tell your significant other why you've done something (or not done something), but be careful. When you explain yourself, you can sound defensive.

When you're in the middle of an argument, you naturally want your partner to understand what you're saying. Too often, though, this slips into a pattern in which you feel attacked and think you must defend yourself. If you find yourself saying the same things over and over, trying to make sure he gets it, you probably aren't communicating as much as you'd hope.

Misunderstandings between couples are natural. Any two individuals in an intimate relationship are sometimes going to get cross-wise with each other. It's unavoidable and working through conflicts can actually help you communicate better, but not if you're spending your time defending yourself. This usually happens when you feel attacked or accused of something. Somehow in the mess of everything, your partner gets the wrong idea about something and you feel the need to explain.

Sometimes, of course, she gets the right impression of whatever you did or didn't do and gets really angry about it. She saw your text to a cute girl and thought it was too flirty or didn't like something you said to your mother about her.

Here's an important bit of info--the important thing here isn't what your partner thought you did wrong, but how she feels about you and the relationship. Stop explaining why you did what you did and start listening to her feelings--angry, hurt, unimportant--whatever. She needs to know that you care about her, not you just saying you care (think salesman), but in you acting like you care. Listening--and repeating this back in an understanding, non-parrot way--conveys that you're hearing what your mate is telling you.

Listening and understanding what she's saying and feeling sometimes seems like you're admitting to something, but that's not what I'm recommending. We're not talking about you confessing to whatever she's accusing you of, just that you need to hear her feelings.

She might be afraid you're losing interest or be mad that you don't really care what she wants or she might feel threatened by your family. Chances are that whatever she's accusing you of doing, you didn't intend to do. (All bets are off if you did intend any of this!) But don't respond to the impulse to straighten her out or clarify your actions.

Start with closing your mouth and hearing her. Hearing her feelings, her concerns, her frustrations. If you're in love with this person, you basically want the same things--you want both of you to prosper and to be happy in the relationship. You want her to feel loved by you and to love you.

Even when you're fighting, you still want the same things. Don't forget this. Your loved one wants you to be happy. You might feel attacked and have the urge to defend yourself, but this path won't take you where you want to go.