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First of all, there is no such thing. No matter how much energy you put into your parenting, no matter how smart and beautiful your kid is: Perfection isn’t a possibility. If you think your kid doesn’t screw up, doesn’t make ridiculous mistakes and bad choices, you’re not paying close enough attention.
The truth is that perfection, in this life, isn’t a possibility. Striving for it will narrow your world and hound you with the fear of—and the likelihood of—catastrophic failure. In fact, if you live a “perfect” life, any failure will feel catastrophic and failure isn’t avoidable. For you or for your kid. In fact, you need to make friends with failure yourself. Screwing up doesn’t feel good, but the avoidance of reaching out and not achieving will make for a sad life. You’ll find yourself not reaching out unless you can be assured of success and when does that happen?
You may have surrounded your kid with the best, given her everything you didn’t have. Been there for her despite not having had a parent stand by you. You’ve probably put a lot into your parenting. Heartache and money. You’ve tried to give your daughter or son everything within your power. You may have lavished time and money on him. Maybe you even gave him too much, but he never went without(like you may have).
But perfection isn’t achievable. It’s not even a smart goal. You won’t get there and neither will your kids.
Your kids are no more perfect than you. Like you, they screw up sometimes. Some of their mistakes will seem understandable to you. Not that big a deal, really. The kid may be crying and wallowing in remorse and you’re shrugging. (Actually, the more remorse a kid has, the more easy you’re likely to feel.) Still, there will be mistakes that shake you.
Your child may steal from a friend or classmate when you’ve always prized honesty. He may lie to you when all you’ve asked is for him to tell you the truth. She may choose friends you know immediately are trouble. She may drink and drive as a teen. You probably say you don’t expect him to be perfect. You know he needs some learning experiences. Sadly, learning experiences don’t come to anyone without leaving a few scuffs.
Just expect your kid to screw up. Sometimes in a big way. You can minimize this by stressing the ability to make choices. You’d be surprised how many kids don’t see their own power. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting, but you really want your kid to have some experiences that come only through making mistakes. You want them to strike out on their own and make bad choices. Don’t rescue them from their consequences. They really need these to learn. And you want them to choose these bad choices earlier, rather than later. The consequences of earlier bad choices are smaller than the choices people make as they get into adulthood.
The kids you see on news magazine stories—the bright and wealthy youngsters who make really, really bad choices—they didn’t think about the outcome of their behavior. You want your kid to get a specific link between action and consequence. Don’t rescue them and don’t distract them from their consequences by yelling and screaming more than you can help. You don’t want them to miss the consequence and just remember that you got mad.
Don’t aim for a perfect kid with a perfect, unmussed life. Instead, try to be the best you. Parent as authentically as you can. Look at your own struggles and learn from them.
Your kids are watching. Hopefully, they’ll get helpful messages.
