IMPLICIT LESSONS -- DON'T NAG

Don't nag. Most lessons in life come from us getting the natural consequences of our choices. Even though pointing out the bad choice or ugly behavior is very, very tempting, it doesn't help. As parents, we have a tendency to talk and talk to our kids, making sure they understand the errors of their ways. We say, "See? This was bad for you. See?" Whether they've fallen off their skateboard after a wild manuever or just gotten dumped by the boyfriend who we knew from the start was a jerk--we just can't resist saying that we told them so. This was a bad situation and they should have listened to us.

We even do this to spouses. Who hasn't had given into the urge to point out to a husband or wife that we were right? Being right gives a darned good feeling to the person who's right, but leaves a bad taste in the other person's mouth. We certainly know what it feels like to be wrong, so we revel in saying See? See? I told you so!

Choices bring consequences, either good or bad. Pleasant or unpleasant. Going to work may suck, but you get a paycheck (even if it's not big enough). Consequences. The outcome of what you did or didn't do. These help us decide whether or not to make that choice again.

But when we do a victory dance over someone else's ugly consequences, we're actually becoming a distraction to their lesson. We take away some of the consequences power because we pull the other person's attention away from the results of what they've chosen onto ourselves. They hate us being right!

Children are much more likely to remember their parents getting mad than they are to remember why their parents got upset with them. They remember your angry lecture, but forget the stupid, risky choice they made that earned them the lecture.

They remember you--and not in a good way--and forget that their actions didn't really work for them. Let the lesson speak for itself. You might want to underscore what needs to be learned, just in case they weren't paying attention. You probably also want to make sure they don't go down this painful path again.

Sometimes you nag because you care. It just doesn't work. Doesn't help children learn; doesn't help them know you care.

When they make bad choices and get the natural results of these, just tell them you love them. Give them a kind, but sad smile because they're suffering and you love them.

Do the hard thing. Acknowledge their experience, but don't nag. It's hard, but you're a parent and you do hard things all the time.