FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS?

'Tis the season to be jolly...and shop and eat and spend time with family, although that last one may be making you nuts. These are the folks you grew up with and sometimes you want to bash their heads together. Most of us love the people who share our DNA, but that doesn't make the family dynamics easy.

The holidays bring a dilemma: You have time to spend with your family...and you have time to spend with your family. The social expectations at this time of year can be a heavy burden for those with conflicted family interactions or no interaction with family, at all. You're supposed to enjoy Uncle Joe, aren't you? What if he's meddlesome or worse yet, criminal and hurtful?

You don't choose the family into which you're born, and all families are not like the fun television families. Some are loving and wonderful--better than the Huxtables--but some have stilted, boring interactions and some family gatherings actually involve gun fire. Yours may not be this difficult, but it may not be Norman Rockwell, either.

What do you do when going to see relatives is a strain? You could follow the example of the characters in the Reese Witherspoon/Vince Vaughn movie Four Christmases and just go out of town every holiday season. If that's not an option or if you'd be consumed with massive guilt doing this, you're probably feeling like this too must be borne. You just want to get through the season. It's not supposed to be this way, but family interactions can be very difficult. Whether you've got siblings fighting over parents' wills or if a family member molested you when you were a child, family interactions can be hard to handle.

Sometimes you just need to skip it. That may seem harsh and it's probably not what you prefer, but it is important to give yourself this option. Choosing not to go to a family gathering doesn't make you a bad person. You need to do what is best for you, even if others don't understand it.

Sometimes those who feel the most connected, the most supportive, aren't blood relatives. All relationships have nuances and developments through time, but the people you choose to be with need to be the ones who add the most to your life...even if you're not biologically connected to them.

Because of the intimacy of family interactions, they can be complicated. One reader writes "...when will a family stop making assumptions about one another?" The sad answer to that is probably never. In many cultures, being family means a free pass to say what the heck you want, regardless of how this will be received.

You may love one another, but just not get each other's choices. In this case, conversations tend to be tricky and sometimes hurtful. Just because you're family doesn't mean you get to verbally critique one another--not unless this is requested. Even if it is...be careful how you respond. Love without commentary and suggestion can be deeply appreciated. Don't think you ought to be able to tell one another exactly what you think, just because you're in the same family. This can be harmful and not near as much fun as you'd like.

If you have the urge to utter condemning statements to one of your family members, think how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Don't think all your choices are golden. If the criticism is open and hurtful, it'll probably go both ways.

If you choose to spend time with your relatives, do your best to convey what you hope for them--that the marriage will be educational, even if you believe it'll end, that you hope they do actually enjoy the career path they're heading down, that you truly pray they'll come to terms with the substance abuse problem that's so obvious to you. Beam love to your loved ones. Life will eventually teach them the hard lessons and point out their failures. You don't need to.

If you're the one on the receiving end of some of these unfortunate comments, just respond with the statement that you know the speaker cares for you and is hoping for the best outcome.

Then, limit your time in the environment and do something fun afterwards. After all, families can be very complicated, even when there's a lot of love.