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With as many communication options as you have now, you’d think connecting with others would be easier than ever. Texting, cell phones, MySpace and more. It’s not like most of the interactions that take place through these portals are brilliant. Sometimes, you just want contact with another human being.
Relationships are complicated. Whether you are talking with your friend, your lover or your sister, things can get messed up. They don’t hear what you mean to say or get huffy because you said what you said. Lovers now have one angry conversation after another, punctuated by hanging up on what the other is saying.
Try something different.
Tell them what you feel. This is harder than it sounds, because you can’t say “I feel that you….” This isn’t a statement of what you feel. It’s telling them what you think they’re doing or what they mean. You need to focus on communicating your own emotions. Try just saying “I feel _____” and filling in the blank with an emotion word. Angry, loved, hurt, unimportant, scared, whatever. There are lots of words to communicate emotions, but you have to talk about your emotions, not their actions. Yes, their actions are important, but not now. When you need to tell them what’s going on with you, go for emotion. “I feel_____.” Then pause, take a breath, a drink of water, something, but stop talking. The other person will get a better sense of what you’ve said, if you don’t run on.
Be clean with your communication. Don’t muddy it up by making accusations (however justified). If you do this, it’ll be easy for them (lover, mother, brother, friend) to react to your accusation and completely disregard the emotions you shared. You need them to hear how you feel.
You also need to hear how they feel. This can be really, really hard, particularly if you don’t feel heard by them. Lots of people want to do the “tit for tat” thing to show them how it feels. While the desire is understandable, this is counter-productive and just doesn’t work.
You’ve probably gone around and around these arguments a dozen times. It may feel like you’re getting no where. The real key is to remember that these people are important to you and you’re important to them, even if you don’t feel that way. You both want to get along better. You both want each other to win in life.
Slow down your interaction. If you’re the fast one and you feel like the other person doesn’t say anything in response, you may need to slow down even more. Some people don’t respond because they think you’ll jump down their throats or just keep arguing. Do your best to listen to these concerns. Hear them.
Resist the urge to defend yourself. This can be very hard, but it’s important. You probably feel attacked by what they say, but you need to hear it and they won’t feel heard if you immediately jump into telling them they’re wrong about you.
Cell phones and MySpace might be easy, but effective communication is complicated. Do your part, though, and you might get somewhere.
