No Such Thing as "Happily Ever After"

This is a hard fantasy to give up. We want to believe if we just find the right person, then our relationships will be easy and we’ll magically be happy. Don’t delude yourself. Relationships are a lot like working out. It’s not supposed to be easy.

The point is getting healthy and learning to deal with your own stuff. Learning to give up behaviors that don’t bring you good things is part of growing up, part of getting healthy. Doesn’t your relationship partner need to help you make good choices?

You may be one of those folks who buy the infomercial promises of losing weight without exercising or limiting your food intake. It’s easy! So not true. This is similar to thinking and telling yourself that your relationship should also be easy…that it shouldn’t require changes on your part.

Don’t believe it.

This relationship thing is hugely complicated and some patterns of conflict can be unhealthy. Sometimes your partner will ask for unreasonable things from you. You might be asked to participate in a lifestyle that makes you uncomfortable or activities that torpedo your self-esteem. So what then? If you’re supposed to tough out relationship issues and try to be open to growing and changing yourself, doesn’t that mean pretty much doing what your partner wants?

No, that’s not what I’m saying. We’re not just talking about going along.

Values—your beliefs about right and wrong, your spiritual beliefs, even your money behaviors—are probably best shared. Generally, couples who have similar values have a better chance of success in their relationships. But sometimes your values aren’t good for you and reflect personal issues you’ve not successfully addressed. This is where you want a partner to challenge you. You want your partner to help you deal with issues that are getting in your way.

There are some couples whose highest priority seems to be financial success and the conspicuous consumption that can accompany it. This can include everything from workaholism to projecting your need for appearing successful on your children. Is little Mikayla’s SAT score or what colleges she gets into really about you? Yes, you as her parent have a lot of impact, but do her achievements seem more about you than her?

Values sometimes need to be reevaluated. Relationship conflict can lead you right up to the issues you need to confront. Sadly, some couples choose mates because there appears to be little or no conflict. The healthiest couples with the best shot at long-term happiness have similar values, but not necessarily similar personalities. When people don’t want to deal with conflict, they can choose mates with a similar life perspective. After all, the thinking goes, if we think alike, we won’t argue. We won’t fight or have conflict.

So not true. The tendency to conflict is part of human nature. We just need to deal with it in a healthy, constructive way. Relationships are like playing on a see-saw; both people sitting on the same side is both boring and unproductive.

Conflict doesn’t have to be expressed in yelling, screaming fits or in physical violence. We engage in these behaviors when we don’t know how to resolve our differences. When we don’t know how to listen without believing we’re being personally attacked. Taking other points-of-view into account can open up your world and help you consider new ways of looking at yourself and others. The other guy can be right about some things without it meaning that you’re wrong. You both may have pieces of the puzzle.

But that involves everyone being able to talk about the way they see things. This is the only way we grow. If we're exchanging different perspectives, we sometimes going to disagree and we need to work this through.

“Happily Ever After” should be re-written to include healthy, constructive conflict.

Leaving is Hard

Falling in love is fun, even when it’s scary. The end of love, though, sucks. So, what do you do when you think you may need to leave?

If this person didn’t have some good qualities, you wouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place. Only now, the happy times are few and far between. You don’t feel loved—at all or not frequently enough. Even if the person you’re with loves you—or says he does—you’re not having much fun. The relationship isn’t working for you. Shouldn’t you leave?

Leaving is never easy. Even people who find someone new as quickly as they can, so there’s never a gap between lovers, still struggle with the leaving. One break-up after another can leave you wondering if there’s something wrong with you. It’s easy to say you’re picking the wrong people, but inside you find yourself wondering if you’re the problem. Why are you attracted to all these wrong people? Why do you have multiple broken relationships in your past?

You might also worry about the one you’re leaving. It may seem like she won’t be able to make it unless you’re there helping her. Even with a really dysfunctional relationship, you might feel that leaving your struggling, self-destructive, messed-up lover will mean she self-destructs even more. Shouldn’t you stay to help keep her stabilized? Even if you’re miserable?

If you’re married, there’s even the “for better or worse” clause. You’re supposed to stay through the rough times even when it seems like all you have are rough times.

Then, there’s always the question of whether this relationship can be salvaged. Of whether you’re bailing out too quickly. Relationships don’t come with an instruction manual that indicates when they’re too bad to revive. There’s no kill switch that gets thrown and it’s clearly all over. Wouldn’t that be simple? Knowing when it’s too late is an incredibly personal, typically frustrating thing and you may find yourself flip-flopping several times on whether to stay or go.

Leaving is hard. It doesn’t feel good, even when we feel relieved. We want relationships that always work and are always clearly valuable. Relationships sometimes don’t work.

The thing about any interaction of two separate people is that it takes both of you. If one is choosing to leave the relationship, then it’s over. Just like that. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is. Guilting a partner into staying in a relationship never works. They may stay for awhile, but guilt is a poor foundation for any relationship.

Staying for the children is also a tricky thing. For some couples, the basic relationship is so flawed, the kids would be happier if you separate. You may not argue openly, but your kids will know if you’re mad at dad. Even little kids know. If your relationship is unhappy most of the time or if you’re unhappy most of the time, staying doesn’t help your kids.

Fix the relationship or end it. This may seem harsh, but it is a reality of couple-dom. Relationship repair can be complicated and painful. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And just because some relationships can be repaired, doesn’t mean you should stay in yours.

Leaving is hard. Sometimes you need to leave.

Relationship Blame

It’s all her fault…No, it’s all his fault. Okay, the problems are mostly her fault.

Actually, you're both responsible for what goes on in your relationship. This can be hard to swallow if one of you does something really bad, like cheating or running up big joint financial debt in secret. The wounded party is typically indignant about sharing any responsibility, but it’s true. The blame for what happens in a relationship has to be equally shared.

The actual cheating or financial shenanigans—that choice was the act of one person and has to be the responsibility of one person. But the nature of this relationship…that’s both of you. In every case, whether it’s adultery or bankruptcy or lying, you have the power to impact the relationship—what you do in it, whether you stay or not. What you do matters to the interaction. You have some responsibility.

In reality, fault (responsibility) and power go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other and everyone has power in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that you feel powerful—you may not be getting what you want—but you do have power, regardless.

Knowing how to use this power, that’s where it gets trickier.

People want to argue with me all the time about this. The real truth is that you have both power and responsibility. You have choices in this relationship, maybe just not the choices you want. You may want your partner to be a certain way—talk about his feelings more, be on time if he’s usually late, get a better paying job—whatever. You’ve probably tried telling your partner what you want and your partner may have not seen things the way you see them or not wanted to do the things you asked. Heck, he may not have seen the point.

You feel powerless to get what you want, which is to have your partner hear what you’re saying, understand and change, of course. What most people don’t understand is that this involves you changing how you act in the relationship. Not just words, but behavior. You have to do your part. Maybe what you've contributed to the relationship is just that you've stayed to tolerate bad behavior from your partner. That's still you contributing to how things are between you. And you don't get to say that your partner caused your behavior. It never works to do annoying, destructive things in the relationship because she does the same thing. That’s a dead-end street and a quick path to a break-up.

You contribute half of what goes on in the relationship. So, part of this is your responsibility.

Of course, the ultimate power you have in a relationship is the power to leave. Knowing when to do this can be the hard part, but never forget that you have this power.

No Second Chances

There’s trouble in Relationship-land and you’d like to hope it’ll just go away. After all, you guys have fought before and things always get better. You tell yourself, you just have to let it rest. Not talk everything to death. Not keep harping at each other.

It’ll blow over, you say.

Sadly, you may be right. It may be over. In relationship land, you might not get your “second chance”. Sometimes, one partner complains and the other one tunes him or her out. After a while, the vocal one gets tired of trying to get his partner to hear his issues. He may stop talking about what bothers him. The ignoring partner may even think there is no problem.

He’d be wrong.

It’s dangerous to ignore the one you love, even when it seems she’s just bitching. This is the way to make small issues blossom into big, ugly relationship-breaking problems. Trouble grows in the dark. What you don't look at can hurt you. The kicker is that you won’t even know what hit you. You’ll be tootling along, thinking things are good, and out-of-nowhere, she’ll tell you she’s leaving.

Or you might get to the place that you know things are strained some, but it’s not that bad, you tell yourself. After all, it's still good most of the time. For you. Then, there are some individuals who talk to their partners about problems, but they don’t really tell them how much it’s bothering them. Maybe there was one or two, brief conversations about the conflict. Then, having your partner tell you that he thinks you need a break from the relationship and he’s moving out for awhile, can be startling.

Relationship trouble can seem to go from zero to eighty in a very short time. But it was brewing under the surface for awhile. This is another one of those tend your own garden situations. If you want your relationship to prosper and grow strong, you need to actually hear what’s going on with your partner. You also need a clue about your own feelings. If you’re upset or don’t feel listened to and valued, you won’t keep loving your partner. It’s human nature. Someone else is likely to come along and stir your emotions. Suddenly, the grass on the other side of the fence looks a lot greener.

So, you need to talk about things that are bothering you. Really talk. And you need to listen when he talks. This is the only way to build a solid relationship.

Some couples work hard to avoid dealing with conflicts they don’t know how to resolve. Some party hard, build large friend networks or work all the time. Others invest more in their parenting—T ball, soccer, Girl Scouts, gymnastics—than in the relationship that forms the foundation for the family.

Don’t wait until it’s too late. It really could be over and it could happen much faster than you want to believe. While you may find it comforting to tell yourself that this relationship will last forever, you need to know that there’s a real possibility of it not. You and your partner need to function each day to show each other that you are both of the highest priority to one another.

Don’t take this for granted. It could be over before you know it.

Over-Sharing

Saying more than you should say—there’s even an acronym for it. T.M.I. or Too Much Information. Sometimes, you find yourself saying stuff better left unspoken. Do you over-share?

Certain confidences fall in this category. Talking about sexual adventures—particularly with details or even photos—is inappropriate in most situations. There are some things other people just don’t want to know. Like the gory details of your appendectomy operation or a blow-by-blow of your latest failed relationship, some information is best left unshared. Do we really need to know how much you spent on your last car or what you paid(or didn’t pay) the I.R.S. last year?

If you’ve found yourself telling individuals who’re not really all that close to you, how you scammed the guy who bought your broken-down SUV or how you got your girlfriend to let you video your sex, you’re over-sharing. Even you blurting out who you have the hots for can be embarrassing to the listener. The ins and outs of your complicated relationship with your mother (or your boss) may be far from appropriate for conversation with casual friends. And the woman you’ve just started dating doesn’t care, either. You might be saying things others don’t want to hear.

So, what’s up with that?

If you’re likely to be called before a Grand Jury, complete truthfulness is probably called for. In that situation, details would be appropriate, but talking to the stranger in the seat next to you on a business trip to Phoenix is probably not such a good idea.

We’re not always clear on what needs to be shared and what doesn’t. That can lead to unfortunate confidences. This is sometimes a factor in a situation when you’re not all that mentally clear, like when you’ve drank too much or you’re on pain medication for falling off a ladder. But sometimes, we can share too much personal stuff when we’re trying to deepen a friendship or push a relationship into new levels of intimacy. When you want to feel close to someone, you might tell them more than they want to hear. Or tell them things you later regret.

Some secrets seem to burn inside you, bursting out. Just telling someone seems to bring relief. This can be very true. There are secrets that need to be told. But when you find yourself unburdening to random co-workers, acquaintances or near-strangers, you need to find a better listener. There are people who’re trained to respect your confidences and help you sort through your own feelings about your secret. Or your conflicts.

Give your friends and acquaintances a break. You deserve to have someone who wants to hear what you have to say. Over-sharing makes simple social interaction awkward and won’t yield you the results you’re looking for.

How To Argue

You’ve probably tried talking and just end up in pointless fights that don’t make anything better. So, you just avoid any topic that you fight about. But this doesn’t solve anything. You need to learn how to talk—and listen—to one another.

This might sound juvenile and simplistic, but poor relationship communication is deathly. Arguing sounds unhealthy and un-fun, but all relationships have conflict. You need to learn how to talk to each other. A good therapist will want you to incorporate healthy discussion. This is what it looks like.

#1 It is hugely important to slow down and not react out of the “argument script” you’ve normally had. You know, where you both end up saying the same things to one another and nothing good comes out of it? You have to stop and really listen to the other guy(even if you’re not sure he’s listening to you). It is important that you do your part. After all, that’s what you have direct control over—your actions.

Don’t tell him he shouldn’t feel how he feels. This is death to good communication. Think how you feel when someone tells you that you’re wrong to feel how you feel. (Yes, I know he does this to you, but does it really work?) Feelings are feelings. Even if they don’t make sense to you, the other person has a right to his own response.

#2 Rather than start with a lot of “You need to change…” statements, say what you think your partner is feeling. This may seem really hard and feel goofy, but your mate isn’t sure you’re actually listening to her complaints. You want your partner to feel understood and listened to. Say what she’s told you back to her so she knows you’ve heard her. Even if you don’t agree with what she’s said and think she ought not be upset about this, she won’t feel really listened to, unless you can tell her what she’s saying to you.

If you can reflect her feelings concerning whatever you’re arguing about, she’s much more likely to care about your feelings. So, you tell her what you think she’s feeling. You might be wrong and she’ll want to correct what you thought she said, but that’s good, too. Feeling reflection looks like this: “I guess you get angry and scared when I don’t let you know I’m coming home late from work” or “I know you get really upset when I spend money without talking to you first.”

#3 Now you need to say what you’re feeling about the situation. If you’ve been able to convey that you understand his feelings, your partner is much more likely to be able to hear yours.

Don’t think yelling accusations or demands is an expression of your feelings. Your partner will feel justifiably defensive if you do this. After you’ve successfully reflected his feelings, state your own emotions. Please note—this doesn’t mean saying, “I feel that you…” That’s an accusation, not expression of your emotions. Talking about how you feel would be something like: “When I don’t get a call from you telling me you’re going to be late, I worry that something’s wrong” or “I feel angry when you call me stupid.”

Rather than telling her she shouldn’t hang out with her single friends or bitching at her for talking to her friends about your fights, you need to communicate the emotional impact of the choices the two of you are making. This is the communication pattern that is more effective than yelling, “When you do this ____, I feel ____.”

If you get to this point, the flavor of the argument should change. The two of you won’t be running around the same script in a useless fight. You’ll be talking and listening to each other. Even really tough conflicts can be resolved in relationships. Things you’d be sure would break you up.

Listen. Talk about your feelings. Remember, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Give yourself a chance and learn how to deal effectively with conflict.

Throw-Away Relationships

When you start seeing someone new does it ever cross your mind that if things get complicated, you’ll just break-up? Most individuals want to be in a relationship. It seems easier than being alone, but building a solid, rewarding relationship is a really hard thing to do. Maybe one of the hardest on this earth. The divorce rate reflects this.

Many adults grew up with divorced parents or had friends whose parents were divorced. Dissolving a marriage isn’t fun, but sometimes it’s the best option. So, maybe you’re single again, what then?

Being alone doesn’t usually feel good and isn’t good for your emotional or physical health. So, you get into another relationship and, typically, you get in fast. If the old relationship broke, get a new one. If a lover decides to leave, we go out the next weekend looking for another hook-up. We deal with loss and grief through an exchange mentality. If a pet dies, we’ll be at the pet store or breeders within a week.

Too-quick relationships often become disposable. In our culture, we cycle through relationships—mating up and breaking up with a speed that can rack up the marriages for a person fairly quickly. But we still want to marry, still want to believe in forever. Some say that we should work harder at marriage and that may be true, but part of the problem is how bad we are at choosing mates. Many of us put more thought into buying a car than whether or not to start up a thing with the guy from yoga class.

Divorce is ugly and painful, but the breaking-up isn’t the only problem. Some individuals fail to consider basic issues of compatibility when deciding to begin a relationship. Do your lifestyles mesh? This is where looking at values comes into play. Does one of you choose to indulge in recreational drugs on the weekend or excessive recreational drinking while the other is a teetotaler? Do you want the same kind of lives? Kids? No kids? Religion? Agnostic? Are you determined to make your first million before the age of 35, but he just wants a simple life?

Lifestyle compatibility is major when we’re talking creating a successful relationship. But that doesn’t mean you are the same people. Having different perspectives lends both a spice to life and helps to create a more balanced outlook. What you need is similar values; different personalities.

Getting into a relationship without either knowing the person (and I’m not talking Biblical knowing) or considering whether you share values is like using paper plates. If you eat regularly, you have to know you’re going to run through a number of plates.

Throw-a-way relationships can corrode your outlook and sap your energy. Before you jump into the next one, ask yourself how well you know this person. Do you know how she voted in the last election? Or whether she voted at all? How maxed are her credit cards and what’s her shoe size.

Before you jump into the next one, consider hedging your bets. Get to know the person you’re considering spending a part of your life with. It’ll result in fewer turnovers and less spinning of your wheels.