Embracing Imperfection

Perfectionism is tempting, even though being consumed by the drive to be perfect is bad for you. We may try to be a perfect mother or ideal mate, but we don't necessarily love those who seem to be without flaws. Everyone wants Martha Stewart's soufflé to fall. We tend to resent perfection even as we find ourselves striving for it (and buying her cook books as well as her magazine). But have you ever considered that imperfection could be good for you?

This is not to say screwing up feels good. Falling on your face in front of your new boss, blurting out just the wrong thing to prospective in-laws or burping in front of a scrumptious first date...these never feel good. Mistakes, though, are not only unavoidable, they're actually a vital part of your growth landscape. You need to mess up because mistakes are an integral part of progress.

Movement forward. Getting to where you want to go. Planting your flag on the turf you've just won. None of that happens without mistakes. The May issue of the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience reports a study that indicates we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes. Failure has an upside.

Take, for instance, the perfect high school valedictorian. Never puts a foot wrong, always gets amazingly high scores. Let's make it worse. Let's say she gets those grades without really even studying that hard and she's the head cheerleader, dating the captain of the football team. This sounds so great, so desirable. We want to be her, right? Other kids in high school hate her--except the ones who want her to tutor them in organic chemistry. She's never screwed up a test, never gone out to a party without writing her English essay first, which only takes her a half hour.

She's perfect…and she's so screwed. Screwed because she doesn't know how to fail. Doesn't know how to study for a really tough class. Doesn't know how to persevere in the face of abject failure.

Who hasn't heard of the really bright kid who kills him or herself because of a rejection from the first pick college? Learning to fail is vital to success. We may tend to forget this reality, but failure brings with it tremendously important information. It's packaged with certain truths you can't get any other way. Think about this--few goals are reached without learning to adjust your trajectory. If you never fail--never let yourself fail--you won't learn what works and what doesn't work.

It is a sad reality that there are very bright people who settle for low level jobs and bad relationships because they're afraid to risk failure. If you try and don't succeed--that's failure. For some, failure is so unacceptable that they abdicate from life. They deliberately take the less fulfilling path because it seems easier…because there's less chance of failing.

Failure doesn't feel good--failing feels like crap--but it can be a valuable pit stop on the way to phenomenal success. To make the most of the experience, you have to sift through the ashes to find the kernel of truth. You need to understand where you screwed up if you want to have a shot at earning the goal. In every moment of failure there exists a gem of learning. Where did I mess up? This is a massively important question. You don't need to figure this out just so you can beat yourself with the mistake. You need to see it, so you don't take that path again. What do I need to do differently next time?

Perseverance. It is a golden word and without this ability, few achievements are ever made.

Those who stumble into some level of success without any apparent failure experiences are susceptible to the imposter syndrome. Failure and correction and plowing ahead leaves you knowing you deserve every success you wrench out of life.

Failure is good. Study it. Embrace it. There is always something to learn in not achieving. You have to fail to reach success.

Thinking Seperation?

If things are rocky between you two, separating might sound less traumatic and final than breaking-up. You need to think about this, though. Individuals have a variety of reasons they prefer separation. Look clearly at your reasons. If you've been in a committed relationship, you have feelings for the person you've been with--maybe a big mix of feelings. If it's hard to think about just separating, but you need a good reason why you're not leaving for good.

You'd probably argue that you love the person you're with. You just aren't sure the two of you can continue the way the relationship has been. If you're living together, you may feel you need some "space." Perhaps things have gotten intense between you. You might tell yourself you just need to breathe. It's not like you want to completely walk away--at least, not yet--but staying the way things are now, isn't good either. No one considers separation unless the relationship has been rough awhile.

You need to be honest with yourself, however. Ask yourself these questions:

Are you trying to let your partner down gently? If your mate still wants the relationship and you don't, you can feel like a heel just walking away. Maybe you don't want to be the bad guy. Who doesn't care what others will think? You might feel bad if you don't do everything you can to try to make it work. If you can't fix it, you tell yourself, then you'll walk away.

But hope can be painful. If you're really done with your relationship, just walk away. Don't keep your partner in the emotional turmoil of uncertainty. This isn't kind. If you want to go, just go.

Are you trying to hang on to a relationship? Some people suggest separation to keep a partner from walking away completely. Usually, when it comes to this, things have been bad for a long time. Separation can seem like your only hope to hang on to the relationship, but living apart or not talking for awhile doesn't automatically make anything better. If things are this bad, go see a therapist and really look at your part in the mess.

Are you trying to see if you'll find someone else better before you let go of this relationship? This is a "training wheels" kind of perspective. If you don't look seriously at what you contributed to one relationship that failed, you're doomed to repeat your mistakes in the next one. Being emotionally-disconnected enough to start looking around for your next relationship means you might as well leave.

The tendency to treat emotional connections like a relay race--only letting go of one when you have the next one lined up--prevents you from learning. Many people feel they just cannot be alone. They're only happy when they have someone to be in a relationship with, even if the new person isn't necessarily who they need or isn't at the top of their list. Having no one is better than getting with just anyone.

Are you trying to find out if you'll miss your mate? Maybe you're not sure whether this relationship is where you want to be. You might be frustrated enough that there are days when you're ready to leave, but you'd like to try it out first. Take a test drive. After all, you don't hate him. You tell yourself that maybe you'll miss him and want to go back and everything will be good again.

Unless you're actively working on (therapy!) the relationship, nothing is going to be made different by living apart or not seeing one another. You have to change your interaction or the relationship is going to be the same.

Have you already found a new, "better" relationship? This can seem like the best and worst of both worlds. Your old relationship has had many problems--enough so that you pulled out emotionally and found someone else--but the two of you have history, a shared past. Maybe a shared house or a kid. The new relationship is shiny and "perfect". This new person understands you in a way you hadn't thought possible. You feel amazing when you're with her and you can't imagine it ever being different.

But you feel guilty about cheating on your previous relationship.

Suck it up. If you're into another relationship, it's not fair to hang on to your old one "just in case". You may have a fall-back job interview while you wait to see if the job you want comes through, but in relationship-land, this is cheating.

If you've got someone else and it seems to work out, you're unlikely to go back. While no relationship is perfect or conflict-free, you've already left your previous relationship.

Don't call it separation when you know it's over. Just be honest and leave. Relationships are complicated and can be fraught with problems, but separation is rarely the answer.

Seeking Comfort

Life can be rough. Work situations can leave you feeling wrung out. Traffic is hell. Your relationship might have land mines you don't know how to avoid. At the end of the day, you can feel frazzled and stressed.

You've been battered and your soul needs some comfort. Maybe you've had a fight with your teenager or your boss yelled at you for no reason or you've gained the ten pounds that makes your swimsuit really revealing. Or all three happen on the same black day. When the world turns mean, we just want to feel better. To be soothed and consoled. Even the toughest of us can find ourselves whimpering and wanting to crawl under the covers.

Or into a tub of Hagaan Daz. Possibly a bottle of Jack Daniels. We crave comfort and sometimes oblivion seems like the closest thing.

Most of our bad habits are attempts to feel better when we don't feel all that great. Eating too much of the wrong foods(comfort foods are almost always the wrong foods). Drinking too much. Some take prescription drugs or drugs that aren't prescription, at all. We just want to feel better. We want comfort.

Magazines and e-zines publish articles that address this offering meditation, yoga and prioritizing to cope--all good things. But for some individuals, these methods don't seem helpful. The trouble is, we often don't know what is comforting to us individually.

For some people, physical touch is very soothing. Getting regular massages can be very helpful if you're dealing with tough situations. Others almost crave movement. For them, physical activities like running or dancing can be very releasing. The real trick is figuring out your needs. When you're very stressed--by your job or something in your home life--it's difficult to think beyond the destructive comforts.

Many individuals grew up with their mothers offering ice cream when they had sore throats, but we are a nation of obese, sedentary individuals. Too much weight, too little action. Too tired to do anything to make it better. Then comes the guilt, the low self-esteem and heart attack risks.

We need comfort. Need to find solace in some way, but we need to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. Do a little personal sleuthing. Think back to when you were a kid. Did you go and side and play all day? Did you dive into a stack of books from the library? Maybe you and a friend went wandering through the woods. When you were younger, you probably had more methods of comforting yourself.

This is not to say that all the methods we used as kids were healthy, but before you give up on finding any source of renewal, think about what used to work for you.

But I Still Feel Depressed

It seems like everyone and their dog are on anti-depressants these days. Who doesn't have times when they just can't get excited about anything? When life seems flat and depressing. It can be difficult to get out of bed some days. Sadly, after a while the happy pills can leave you feeling less than jazzed.

What do you do when you're taking anti-depressants and you still feel depressed?

The biochemistry of the brain remains largely a mystery to us even though great strides have been made in the last twenty years. But what once seemed like a simple solution--why not take a medication that removes angst?--is turning out to be less effective than originally thought.

Medication to assist in coping with emotional life challenges can be helpful in some situations, but perhaps not in quite the way first thought. Recent research indicates meds are only part of the picture. There are some individuals who swear their lives have been totally turned around by psychotropic medication and believe they couldn't live without it. For most people, though, find this medication has a positive affect for only a period of time. After a while, they lose the emotional boost and must raise the dosage or change the medication to regain it. In addition, anti-depressants can have alarming side effects in some, with an actual increase in the incidence of suicide for a small percentage of teenagers and young adults.

Newer studies indicate that the better treatment for depression lies in a combination of talk therapy and medication.

Yep, talk therapy. Actually sitting down and talking with a real live person who's focus is helping you solve your problems. This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to find a therapist with a couch you can spend the rest of your life on. Talk therapy has evolved into a more collaborative effort…you and a therapist sorting through which behaviors work best for you. If you're struggling with depression or anxiety or relationship problems, you need an assistant who can help you sort your life out.

A good therapist will listen to you harder than your friends can. He or she has no axe to grind and will resist telling your how to handle your down days. You might actually want someone to tell you how to fix your depression, but it's more important to understand it and help you fix the problem. You need to be empowered to direct your own life.

Medication has its place. Some individuals need help just to get out of bed. When things are this bad, take the pill. But don't forget that you can sort your life through. The chemistry in your brain responds to different thoughts and different choices.

Even when you don't feel capable, you still have the power to change.

Love Is...

So much crap has been written about love it seems redundant to say anything here, but the confusion about this topic leaves many of us in a lather. So, what if he says he loves you and you don't feel loved, at all? Lots of times as parents, we say we're disciplining our kids because we love them. The kids just roll their eyes and think we're latching on to a reason to make their lives difficult. Relationships aren't easy.

What is love? Not being able to live without a certain person? Having the urge to break into silly songs when you think about that individual? Or having the urge to drop your pants and get dirty? Maybe, you'd throw yourself in front of an on-coming bus for your loved one.

This is a subject that confuses many and isn't easily sorted out. Even crazy people will sometimes say they love their kids--right before they kill them and take their own lives.

So what is love? A feeling that invades you?

From just the perspective of love for another person, the word indicates more than just a "profoundly tender, passionate affection." If we're talking about this from more than an emotional context, love has to be viewed from the perspective of action. Does the individual proclaiming the emotion of love, actually behave like they love? Are their actions contrary to the loved one needs?

Love is placing the loved one's best interest at a high premium; that is, doing what is best for the one you love. This is way harder than it sounds at first. Particularly, if what's best for the loved one, isn't what you want her to do. Love can be complicated. We're not talking about self-sacrifice. Generally, what's good for the one you love, is good for you, too. Not that it won't sometimes be difficult, because love is, if nothing else, demanding. To truly love another person, you need to look at your own issues, your own struggles.

Love is, at it's very best, disinterested. Not that you're not interested in your loved one or what effects him, but when you really love another person, your interests are not paramount. You want what is best for your loved one.

You don't buy things for your kid just so he's not mad at you. Parents who allow their behavior to be motivated by their kids always liking them are prone to do really foolish things for their kids, things that aren't necessarily good for the kids. Children--actually, all of us--sometimes want things that aren't best for them. When you love someone, you allow them to get mad at you.

We can't really be selfless--we can try, but it's hard to take yourself completely out of the equation. Still, when you really love another person, it's that person's needs that count. Disinterested. Not about you.

That's why love is sometimes hard.

Are You A Victim of Trauma?

Sadly, many people have witnessed horror on a major scale. You may have enlisted in a branch of the service looking to make a difference, to serve your country and maybe to find a career. Trauma, however, isn't limited to soldiers who witness unspeakable atrocities or suffer horrifific injuries. Those who watched friends die next to them in battle are traumatized, as well.

If you enlisted, you made a difference in this world and, hopefully, you found a career, but at what cost? Some soldiers come back home and put the fury and chaos behind them when they take off the uniform. Some aren't able to. A significant percentage of those who experience combat suffer from post-traumatic stress symptoms. For many, the emotional and physical symptoms dissipate awhile after returning home. They get back into their lives, go on with their relationships and move forward with their lives. For others, gripping, gut-wrenching symptoms hang on for years.

But trauma isn't limited to war zones. There are victims of industrial accidents, natural disasters--such as hurricanes and floods--who find themselves living daily with emotions they struggle to shake. We see trauma after trauma on the news every night. Dozens of them. Crimes and accidents and violence done by ones who were supposed to be safe. In each and every one of these, someone's life is changed forever. The effects can linger.

In what seems like a more mundane occurrence, our highways are the scene of traffic accidents that can also have profound physical, mental and emotional effects. One large study found as many as nine percent of individuals who survive significant motor vehicle accidents experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

A research and treatment organization, Child Trauma Academy, is studying the neurological effects of trauma in high-risk children. Victims who are exposed to traumatizing environments or situations at an early age will show changes in brain development. The good news is that these can be successfully addressed in many kids.

You may have experienced or witnessed an event in your life that you've never recognized or labeled as traumatic. Combat, natural disasters, motor vehicle accidents, physical and/or sexual abuse. If you've been exposed to these as a child or an adult, it is possibly still affecting you in ways you don't realize. Traumatic events can lead to emotional health difficulties and poor interpersonal relations.

If you or someone you love has experienced or witnessed a traumatic event, getting assistance makes sense. Don't struggle alone.

Keeping Your Mate Happy

It’s pure self-interest. If your mate is happy, you’ve got a better chance of being happy yourself. Relationships are complicated, but this much is just obvious.

There are two of you in this relationship and, of course, you want to be happy. That’s a given. You find a job that’s as fulfilling, satisfying and rewarding as possible. You engage in hobbies or play softball or play with a band or make quilts. You do the things you like to do. You hang out with friends and goof off on the weekends.

You'd like your significant other to be happy too, but things get murkier when we talk about placing his or her needs at a high priority. If you love him, you naturally care about his needs, but the question is whether or not you act like you value his needs. This can be tricky, particularly if you think he should have different needs, ones that fit more closely to yours or ones that make more sense to you. Needs that, at least, don’t conflict with yours, right?

In a less complicated world, yeah, but that’s not usually how it works. Relationships involve two separate people. Two individuals. That means you’ve got different needs, different tastes. Different ideas about how to have fun. This is true even if you’ve found a mate who shares many of your likes and dislikes. Some things are going to be not alike.

This isn’t a problem until something she wants isn’t what you want. Then we have conflict in the relationship and this is unavoidable. Talking about the differences openly can pave the way to healthy conflict resolution, but somewhere in here you have to want your mate to get what she needs. If she needs to go to medical school to get where she wants to go, this will involve sacrifice for you. If she wants to climb the corporate ladder, then you’ll be the corporate mate.

You may think, “This relationship ought to be easier.” Maybe, but if it was there’d be fewer break-ups and a much lower divorce rate. Staying together happily isn’t simple.

You can’t be in a relationship without being effected by one another’s needs and pursuits . From the most basic decision of what to have for dinner to what car to buy to more complicated choices about money, you sometimes see things differently. You want different things. If you’re in a relationship, you’re going to feel the impact of your mate’s decisions. This can be massively frustrating and is the reason why some people stay single. There are many folks who try to find a way around this by being in a relationship without living together. Some even prefer to live states apart, and this does keep conflicts to a minimum. If you’re not together, you have less chance of being impacted by one another’s decisions.

Of course, living thousands of miles apart tends to limit other aspects of relationships, too.

If you commit to a mate, you’re committing to her pursuit of the goals that are important to her. This goes for the goals you’re pursuing, too. Commitment means a shared life. If you find yourself—or he accuses you of—hindering your partner’s getting what he wants, you need to seriously examine your part in the relationship.

Some people choose to separate. If your partner wants something you don’t, like 18 kids or a job that takes her on the road six nights out of seven, you have to ask yourself if this is the relationship for you. But you also need to ask yourself the harder question about the more common conflicts—are you thinking about what’s best for your mate? Are you placing her needs at a high premium. When it comes to the place you live or the car you drive—basic life choices—you might need to ask yourself the hard questions.

I hate the terms “sacrifices” and “compromise.” They too often involve resentment. If you’ve come to a resolution in a relationship, you want what benefits your partner and he wants what benefits you. The process of sorting this through—without resentment—is not short or simple. It can be very rewarding, though.

Know what you need. This isn’t as simple as it sounds. Know what you want from your life and be able to talk about these things with your mate. Find out what he needs. Believe it or not, in most relationships, these aren’t mutually exclusive, but getting to this point takes work. Don’t be afraid of it. If you put effort into this, you can craft a truly rewarding partnership.