The Selfish Break-Up

Not only is breaking up hard to do, it can be confusing and complicated. More and more, people don't want an end that's the end of a relationship. You can view this phenomena as a relationship evolving into something different, or maybe you just suck at resolution. Ending relationships is hard and who likes hard?

I'm not 'in love' with you anymore. Let's just be 'friends.'

To be honest, you want it all. You don't want to be with her anymore, but you don't want her completely out of your life. The problem is that the 'all' you want usually means way less than 'all' for your previous partner. It's like taking away the cookie she's enjoyed freely before and expecting her to be happy with a crumb.

We were sexually and emotionally intimate before, but I'd like to just 'hang out' occasionally. You know, I want to be friends.

Breaking-up is really hard to do. After all, he's been in your life and there were moments with him that you enjoyed and valued. You've loved this person…and you've hated him. You may even have kids together. Probably, you don't wish your departing mate would die. At least, not most of the time. But even if you see the relationship as no longer possible, you may not be comfortable with never seeing your old lover again. You want to hear from him, now and again, and learn how he's doing.

Most of all, you don't want her to be mad at you.

This is a "win win" in the relationship world. It's like walking over and hitting a person and then expecting him to give you a hug. Action with no consequence. You smile and say, "I'm leaving you, but I still want to be your friend."

What's up with this? The really crazy thing is that the person who has been left can feel guilty for being mad! She doesn't feel friendly towards you. Get a clue! You don't get to act like a heel and expect to be told that it's okay. Being left hurts like hell.

Relationships sometimes end, unavoidably. Staying together is what most people wish they could do, but an alarming percentage don't. So, you break-up. This part is bad enough, but a growing number of individuals are dealing with the complexities of ending a relationship by not ending the relationship. They "stay friends." This is usually the idea of the one who wants to end the relationship.

But is this fair? If you want out, you no longer want to be with intimate with this person. Still, you want the good feelings. You may have a hard time thinking about your previous partner disliking you. You'd like to believe she still likes you, even if you ended the relationship.

Do the hard thing. End the relationship and take the results. If he's mad at you, it's because you're making the choice to walk away. You're not giving him a say in the situation, you're just going. And you have a perfect right to go, but don't expect to remain "friends." For one thing, it just confuses the heck out of the person you're leaving. It gives false hope and, when it's ripped away, hope hurts.

If you're leaving, you're not a friend. You're an Ex.

Choosing Your Best Career

Picking the right career isn't just a challenge for kids graduating from high school. Lots of adults wrestle with finding their niche. You'll find shelves of books in the library and bookstores on career choice. The real challenge is finding the best career for you.

Studies show that the average working American will have three to five careers and between 10 to 12 jobs during his or her lifetime. Flexibility in seeing different options is important and individuals find that their needs and interests can evolve overtime. So, what's the best career for you now?

There's lots of information on which are the hot jobs this year; even the careers forecasted to be in big demand for the next ten years. Different schools--whose business it is to get paying students--will even advertise their programs as if their training guarantees you a high-paying, universally-fulfilling job. But before you rush into a career choice, you need to think about several things

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Do You Know Yourself? You need to know what works for you personally. Does the job area you're considering really interest you? If you answer that you "sort of" like accounting, then you need to seriously examine your areas of interest. Now, you may answer that there aren't many jobs that involve playing video games or shopping. This is true. But your interests are very important in choosing your career path. If you love talking to and interacting with people, working alone in an office all day may not be your best career. Some people, however, love working in uninterrupted quiet. Which are you? Do you thrive with variety or crave routine? Know your own needs.

How much money will you make? Salary alone is a lousy reason to pursue any career. It is important, however, to know what income you can expect to make. If you don’t need much more than minimal transportation and a roof over your head, go ahead and choose the career that promises personal fulfillment, if not financial security. On the other hand, going after a career with only money as a motivation could land you in hours of misery every work day. That's way too much of your life to hate.

This leads us to a often-overlooked area of career choice. You may love your Psychology classes in college or really like studying English, but you need to know where career choices will lead you.

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What will you do every day in the job you're considering? Nurses deal with sick people, who sometimes complain. Law enforcement personnel deal with some of the lowest forms of human behavior--and they can't slap them silly anymore than nurses can tell off complaining patients. Archeologists sometimes dig in sweltering temperatures for days without finding anything, and criminologists do a heck of a lot of dull lab work that is never shown on television. If you get the job you're thinking about, what will you do every day?

What will you have to do to get to the job? If you've narrowed your areas of interest down to one or two, have you found out what training is required? Some jobs require no college, some involve two years of higher learning, others require eight or ten years. Love math? Hate math? English your worst subject? Find out what you're going to have to endure to get where you think you want to go.

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Talk to someone doing the job. This is one of the hardest things for most people. Even if you're not shy, it can be difficult to ask someone--maybe a stranger--to take the time to answer your career questions. Still, it is tremendously helpful to ask a person who's in the job what she likes or doesn't like about it. What did he wish he'd known before he started out in this particular training? Don't just talk to one; interview two or three people in your potential career. Surprisingly, most people will love to talk to you.

Ever wonder why people tend to get into the same careers their relatives pursue? They know what it's like to do those jobs! Don't feel like you have to choose the same career your uncle chose unless you really like it, but you also don't want to jump into a job you don't really know. Ask someone who's already working that job.

Even if they don't know you from Adam, give several people working in jobs you're considering a phone call or email. Ask them for twenty minutes of their time. You'll be surprised how enthusiastically most of them will respond. Go prepared with a list of questions. They'll be eagerly answered.

Student loans! These can be a blessing or a curse, sometimes both. With costs rising, college or technical school can be expensive. All schools, however, will quickly offer you a student loan application. Go ahead and fill it out--if you're going to be able to pay it back without living in poverty when you graduate. Many students are taking out big debt to earn degrees that qualify them for jobs that may earn them a decent living…but don't leave much left over to pay back college loans. You can spend ten years repaying loans after you graduate.

If you're heading to medical school, law school or any profession that will end up with you having significant earning power, loans may be a good option. If, however, your heart is set on any one of a thousand other important, but less well-paid jobs, you might want to work your way through school instead of taking out loans. Pay-as-you-go might be slower, and you may resist the thought of taking eight years to finish a four-year degree, but coming out debt-free will be in your best interest.

Which ever career you pick, make it the best one for you.

Choose A Lifestyle, Then A Mate

Ah, love is beautiful and love can work through any problem …, then you marry and experience the reality. He's an atheist and you believe strongly in following your Jewish faith or evangelical Christianity or Buddhism. Whichever faith is yours, you believe in faith and he just doesn't. You had hopes of going to synagoge, church or temple together. He thinks you're nuts.

Or you love her and you can't imagine living without her. You may know she thinks she doesn't want children, but you can't imagine not being a daddy. She can't really mean she doesn't want them, can she? Eventually, she'll see the beauty of creating a family with you.

What about the red-blooded carnivore and the vegetarian who can never cook a meal together? The immediate bill-payer and the spendthrift? The loner and the individual who loves always being surrounded by friends and family? Is the way to avoid breaking up to find someone who shares your views on everything? Is this possible or even desirable? And can't couples work through problems?

First, we should recognize the difference between personalities and values. The two are interrelated, but different. Everyone has unique personalities that are very individual and have to do with the way we see the world and perceive ourselves in relation to things and others. Personality expresses who we are. Values, on the other hand, have to do with the beliefs upon which we found our lives. Values are the bedrock of life choices.

When you fall in love, you are usually enamored with an individual…the way he talks, the fun things you do together or the way he makes you laugh. The sex may be great. You can't imagine not choosing to be with him. It isn't necessary to get every detail of your future life worked out, is it? Next comes the big commitment. You get married, or engaged at the least. Maybe you're not the marrying kind and you don't care about a piece of paper, so you move in together and start a family.

This is when the fun starts and when values really start to matter. The big conflicts in relationship usually involve the way you handle money, the way you raise kids(or if you choose to have them at all), your preferred sexual behaviors, your religion(or the lack of it) and the in-laws. Most all couple difficulties arise in these areas. Even infidelity--sexual or emotional--originally stems from unresolved conflicts that can frequently be attributed to differences in values. Relationships are in trouble long before infidelity erupts and the trouble can usually be traced back to unresolved conflicts. Having values that conflict can really mess with a relationship.

If you've never learned to work through conflicts together, doing so now gets even harder when you both have so much on the line. Never having attended seriously to problems, you're finding they are bigger than you expected.

Do you know your own beliefs and the life choices that are important to you? Are you the kind of guy who wants to spend lots of quality family time with your kids or do you see yourself devoting fourteen-hour days to climbing the corporate ladder. Is it your goal to one day buy a boat and sail around the world? Or would you prefer to put down roots and earn the respect of your neighbors. Different people make different choices. Knowing your own values is important in choosing a mate.

If you're going to have any hope to spending years of your life in a fulfilling, successful relationship, you need to pick a mate whose values, and preferred lifestyle, are somewhat in line with yours. Issues as basic as where you prefer living--country or big city--can have a major impact on the success of a relationship. This is not to say that devoted couples can't resolve big conflicts. They can, but a major clash in values reduces the chance of happiness.

Opposite personalities can be a real strength to a relationship, but having values that conflict makes life stressful in a way that's hard to overcome. Changing another individual's values is an unrealistic goal. Values can change, but this is a significant personal journey that's risky to gamble on. Know your own values and those of your potential mates before you dive head first into a relationships.

Jumping into an intimate relationship with that sexy blonde you met at the club last night has everything to do with hormones and little to do with relationship longevity. Get to know your possibilities before getting naked. Get to really know that good-looking guy before you lose your heart to him. Understanding his values can help you make an informed decision about how you want your life to go.

Love that's constantly stressed by mates seeking widely different lives, doesn't last.

Outsourcing Your Emotions

Maybe you have people who are important to you…and they don't always make the best decisions. They get emotional about situations and feel very distressed. Naturally, you want to say something or do something to help.

You try generally to be rational about problems. Usually, you find a way to handle most things. Not everything, of course, because no one's perfect, but you do your best to respond, to help. Unfortunately, there are times when the very individuals you try to make things easier for, end up blaming you for their problems. Somehow, you end up cleaning up messes you didn't make. You end up trying to solve problems you didn't create.

The question is--why?

Why do you feel the need to rescue others from the choices they themselves make? Consequences, while sometimes painful, are our best path to learning how to make good choices. Whoa, this sucks! I'm not going to do that again, we say. So why not let people face the results of their actions if it'll help them learn? Of course, some consequences are big and scary and it can be difficult to watch others struggle. Particularly when you can easily make it better. It seems so unnecessary, you might be thinking.

You may, in fact, be pretty good at giving measured reproofs--others probably call these "lectures." There are situations that cry out with obvious realities: drive fast all the time and you're certain to get a bunch of traffic tickets. Your insurance will go up and may even get cancelled. Don't pay the tickets and you'll end up in jail.

Certain realities can be counted on and it's very difficult not to point this out to the people you care about when they seem to be missing the obvious. But they don't thank you for it. Quite the opposite, in fact, despite the fact that you're just trying to help, they usually get mad at you.

They tell you that you're a "control freak" and that you just want to run others' lives. You think you're perfect, they may say nastily. This is, however, the farthest thing from what you want. You want them to handle their own decisions, but you'd like them to do it better.

On some level, you may be struggling with your own difficulty in watching them in pain. Choices bring consequences. These can be lovely or very difficult, depending on the choice. You want to rescue the individuals you care about because you hurt when they hurt. Loving others means being impacted by what they choose…even if you don't like their choices or the impact their consequences have on you. This is difficult. If you can tweak their behavior--just help when they obviously need help--then you've saved your own emotional distress. Right? Sometimes they ask for help. They want you to rescue them, so it would be mean not to work things out for them.

The problem with this approach is that--while you may be pretty good at arranging things--others' emotions are not quite within your reach. You probably want to argue about this. I know what makes people feel good, you'll say(with a hint of smugness). But you don't have control over other people's emotions or actions. It's not like turning a dial. You can't always make them behave better or feel better in an effort to shield your own feelings.

But if they feel good, then you feel good, right? When they're upset, you can't be unaffected. You're pretty much okay if the people you love are okay. It's almost as if they do the feeling--the biggest part--for you.

Sometimes, loving others can be very painful. This is unavoidable. Distress is part of the package if you allow yourself to be involved in relationships. A better method for handling referred distress is to learn to get a handle on your own emotions. Manage yourself more effectively. Emotions are important and trying to live without them will lead eventually to depression. Not being aware of your own emotions is a result of not paying attention to them. Feelings can be inconvenient and unreliable, but shut them out and it's like turning the sound down on a radio. Everything becomes muted and gray.

So, feel the pain, the compassion, the worry. It won't kill you and, eventually, it will end.

Don't arrange others' lives, assume responsibility for fixing situations or succumb to the temptation to tell them what to do. Focus your best management techniques on yourself. Shelving your feelings or "out-sourcing" them to other people isn't an effective way to manage your life long term.

Feel your feelings. Not just anger and irritation, but sadness, confusion, anxiety, giddiness. Take care of you by listening to you.

Killing Love

Love doesn't die…unless you kill it. Love between two romantic partners doesn't just wither and fade away. You don't simply fall in love with someone new when you're already in love with someone else. Truly loving another individual isn't easy, but it's not as mysterious as you'd sometimes like to think, either.

There are many people who will argue that the love they felt for their former partners simply went away. It evaporated. Over time, they'll say, they just fell out of love.

Not true.

Either you didn't have genuine love for one another in the first place, or you honestly were in love at one time and the two of you didn't know how to maintain it. You didn't know how to nurture the intimacy.

Intimate relationships are tremendously challenging to maintain. The skyrocketing divorce rate is testament to the difficulty of making love last. So why do we end up not loving the very individuals who we used to love? Used to love madly!

Love can be defined not only by enjoyment, sexual attraction and shared values, it also means that you place the loved one's interests at a high priority. You want the one you love to succeed. To be happy, to find fulfillment in life in general, not just with you. If you love someone, you want the very best for her.

Most relationships start in a white-hot flurry of attraction and laughter, passion and possibilities. In those moments, you can't imagine not always loving this other person. You can't imagine it, no matter that he is ridiculously whiny when he gets a cold. Even the fact that she hangs her bras on the bedroom doorknob is only mildly annoying when you're still fascinated by the idea of her without her bra.

Relationships, however, have a day-to-day reality for which most individuals are unprepared. Living together, or just having close interaction over time, brings the opportunity for conflict. All couples have conflict. Heck, all human beings have conflict with one another. Conflict is a part of life. We don't always agree with anyone, no matter how much we like or love them.

Even if you're okay with people disagreeing with you, conflict with a loved one can seem threatening and scary. This person, who used to thing you were wonderful, who usually laughs at your jokes and who at one time always wanted to be with you, suddenly isn't laughing. It's at this moment, you might not feel loved and this wonderful relationship seems threatened.

Conflict doesn't mean you aren't loved. It just means that you are two individuals who need to learn to deal with differences.

Maybe you fight over money. You have conflict with one or the other of you spending too much time at work. Your ex keeps calling and you don't want to hang up on him because that seems mean, but your new love feels jealous that you still talk to your former lover. Whatever the specific situation, you will have conflict in your relationship. And it will feel bad.

Some people try to avoid fighting, particularly if disagreement means yelling and screaming abuse at one another. So you try to always get along and you hope that problems will disappear.

They won't.

Even though conflict and the emotions that come with it--anger, disappointment, hurt, and frustration--can be very difficult to deal with, you need to talk about the differences between you. Not scream, not give your lover the silent treatment. You need to truly communicate. You need to learn to say what bothers you, to share your feelings, and to listen--really hard--to the other person's view of the problems.

Unless you learn to handle conflicts openly and find resolution in relationships, you will not stay in love with your loved one. No one wants to be in a relationship when he always feels like he loses. Constant defeat isn't sexy.

Talk. Listen. Work through issues...or your love will die. Not dealing with conflict is just a slow way of killing love.

Advanced Placement Insanity?

In 2005, 2.7 million students took the Advanced Placement exams which must be passed before college credit can be earned. Of the students attempting the exams, only 15% passed, which was a slight increase from the previous year. For some, this A.P. reality raises the appeal of the classes: To some it means kids must be really smart if they take the class and pass the test.

Are Advanced Placement classes really good for students, though? These classes are often presented as "required" for the high school student who plans on attending college. But not all kids benefit from taking the Advanced Placement route. The grades achieved in these classes are given a different weight in calculating grade point averages. Sometimes this works in the student's favor; sometimes not. The true value of A.P. instruction depends a great deal on the teacher, the student and his motivations and career goals.

Educators tend to be big fans of the Advanced Placement curriculum by the College Board which also administers the SAT. In these classes--designed to be more advanced than typical high school curricula--juniors and seniors do college-level school work. In theory, these kids are then able to test out of freshman college classes in the areas for which they took Advanced Placement, or A.P., classes.

Parents are enthusiastic about the A.P. concept for several reasons: 1.) they don't have to pay for as much freshman college course work, 2.) they get to brag about how their kids are "above-average" since these are today's Honors classes, and 3.) some believe A.P. classes are less likely to be attractive to troublesome kids. There are, also, some parents who are concerned that their teenage children are not being challenged by standard curriculum. Perhaps one of the biggest attractions, however, is that both educators and parents tend to believe that students need A.P. classes to get into "good" colleges.

The idea of an elite school being required for eventual life success has been challenged by recent studies, however. A research study, published by Krueger and Dale in 1999, indicated that graduates of Harvard University earned no greater income (a measure of success) than equally-achieving students who attended less highly-ranked colleges. This same study indicated that college education per se mattered more than which college granted a degree.

Many still have, however, the intense urge to get into the "right" school when many high school students don't even know what career path they'll eventually choose. Degree programs vary widely between schools. A student could get into a "good" school that doesn't even offer her the degree she'll eventually decide is best for her.

Taking Advanced Placement classes--sometimes six or seven at a time--is still touted as almost a requirement for smart kids. In general, the higher-achieving kids, who don't cause educators a lot of trouble, are encouraged to take Pre-A.P. and A.P. classes. These students tend to have better educated parents who are more invested in their children's academic success. Students are generally college-bound and are expected by teachers and parents to succeed academically.

From an educator's point of view, A.P. classes are a win-win. They get academically-motivated students who are less likely to cause classroom disruptions. But are A.P. classes really good for the students? The answer can vary as widely as the classes themselves. Ask most kids who've joined the Advanced Placement bandwagon: Some teachers make the classes so hard that even college students would have difficulty maintaining high grades. Some A.P. teachers are truly innovative, inspiring educators who stimulate their students to appropriate developmental challenges. All teachers should have this focus. On the other hand, some instructors of A.P. classes know they have the good kids and they ask even less of them than students who're taking regular classes.

Taking too many Advanced Placement classes, since these tend to be more time-consuming, can actually hamper adolescents' general development. High school is not only a time for achievement that leads to college entrance. There are life lessons that need to be experienced at this time as well. Teenagers who work can learn some of the responsibilities of adulthood: showing up on time and doing an acceptable job. Career paths can be explored and either followed or discarded based on early jobs. At this time of development, kids can also learn to negotiate vital social lessons in both friendships and romantic relationships.

Parents and teachers may tend to dismiss the fact, but teenagers are right when they say there's more to life than school work.

As odd as it may sound to parents who may feel anxious about the perils of adolescence, kids need to learn some lessons now. These challenges only get harder and have larger life consequences down the road.

Taking A.P. classes doesn't mean less chance of kids finding drugs, sex and bad relationships. If they're taking A.P. classes, it just means they're probably being asked to do college-level academic work while living a high school-level life. Some students find the demands of A.P. classes to be overwhelming. There are some situations--for some kids--when being academically advanced isn't much of an advancement.

Married? Want Better Sex?

Sex alone doesn't make great relationships, but relationships can make great sex. Over and over, individuals describe marriages--and other committed relationships--that include red hot sex in the beginning, then the sex fades over time. Some mental health professionals even talk about this phenomena as a "natural" diminishing of desire. But before you give up on really good sex in your relationship, you might want to take a closer look at the issues.

You're not, as some claim, doomed to getting bored in every sexual relationship. Emotional and sexual connections aren't subject to an evolutionary demise. Long term, mutually satisfying physical intimacy can be achieved if you know what to do to keep it alive.

Typically, married sex declines sharply in quality and frequency after the birth of children. This might be a result of postpartum depression or, on the other hand, you might be suffering the impact of increasing pressure on the relationship. Children may be a blessing, but they take a lot of work and complicate things tremendously. Issues such as housework, money and quality couple time tend to become more challenging when couples start families.

Kids are just one aspect of the diminishing sexual experience in relationships, however. The primary cause for declining interest in sex can be found in couples' unresolved conflicts. Despite the reputation of "make up sex" being so great, dysfunctional fighting tends to reduce the sexual activity in relationships. Particularly deadly to physical intimacy are unresolved conflicts. The worst culprits in diminished sex drives are arguments that spring up from time to time and circle around the same problem without ever finding a resolution.

Problems that are not successfully resolved--or even truly addressed in relationships--will eventually leave individuals feeling insignificant and unloved. If you feel as though your partner doesn't really care about your concerns, you will even come to feel unloved. My opinion doesn't matter, you'll think and you'll feel unimportant to your partner.

The damaging effect of unaddressed or unresolved conflicts in relationships doesn't take place over-night. It's a sad journey and along the way you'll probably argue that your partner doesn't mean to make you feel bad. Eventually over time, however, it'll seem like your partner doesn't really care.

This is where the decline in sexual interest starts. Very few individuals are eager to have sex with partners they resent. If you don't feel cared for, you're not usually interested in getting naked.

The solution to this isn't to buy her flowers or to buy sexy lingerie to get him revved up. You're going to have to do bigger things if you want better results. You have to work through the problems. Talk about what bothers you. Listen to what bothers him. Stop defending yourself and really listen. You may think she's got it all wrong, but you need to see things from her point-of-view. Really look at conflicts from the other side. No one is completely right and no one is totally wrong.

The good news is that couples feel empowered by a resolved conflict. They actually feel strong and sexy! Initially, this process can feel draining, but the impact is so good for the relationship, your sex will just get better.

So listen to your mate. Repeat back what your partner is telling you, just to make sure you heard right. Talk to each other about what's bothering you. Find a way to understand one another, then you can find a way to resolve the conflicts. Otherwise, the boring, infrequent sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Just a warning sign of trouble ahead. The good news is that sex can also be a tremendous glue in a relationship. Don't miss out on making it better.