Depression and Logic

You're used to handling life pretty well. Work is sometimes a hassle, but you've got things under control. Maybe things are sometimes rocky in the relationship area, but that's just a fact of life for everyone occasionally. Nothing horrible has happened in your life. Actually, everything is okay. Not much different than usual…except you're having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. On your days off, you mostly just want to sleep. Or maybe you're not sleeping much. Nothing really excites you anymore. You don't enjoy anything much.

Are highly cognitive, logical individuals more prone to depression?

This dark, unmotivated mood is not like you. While you may have had your share of down days, you're not generally pessimistic. But lately everything is gray.

Nothing has really changed that much, but you've started feeling less and less like yourself. You start thinking a lot about really dark things, like about dying and how useless life is. Maybe the people around you are asking "What's wrong?" And that's a problem because even though you don't feel right, you can't say exactly what's wrong.

This is not who you usually are. In fact, you tend to be a take charge person. Maybe things didn't get done if you haven't taken care of them. Probably the people around you tend to rely on you. A lot. Expected you to handle things, fix things…and you have.

Only now, you can't seem to make yourself right. You keep telling yourself to get over it!! But you can't make yourself get things done the way you used to…and you can't really care.

You know about "clinical depression" and how it can have a chemical component. Some relative may have had a problem with depression. You've heard that this can run in families. Maybe you've tried, or are currently taking, anti-depressant drugs. For awhile, these can seem to alleviate some of the darkness. Not usually for long, however. Our bodies seem to adjust to the meds, requiring a constant tinkering with the dosage or shifting between different kinds of medications.

There is, however, another aspect of depression that you might want to explore. Highly-cognitive people--defined as those who prefer the rational over the emotional--don't usually display their emotions on their faces. They don't always know exactly what they feel and can actually be prone to depression. From this perspective, what you're struggling with is an under-developed emotional awareness. A muscle that's not been used much. Like handedness, individuals usually have a preference as to whether they see life situations from a logical or an emotional perspective.

There is nothing right or wrong about either perspective--although people tend to think their own way of dealing with emotional situations is best! There are, however, functional aspects to both.

Everyone thinks and everyone feels, but highly-cognitive people have utilized their logic more than their emotion. They tend to feel emotion is irrational and unreliable. Emotions do seem to shift with the wind sometimes and this "instability" seems a poor position from which to function.

In tuning out emotions, however, you run a big risk. It's like turning down the sound on the radio. When you turn down hurt and grief and fear, you've muted joy and happiness, too.

Emotion isn't as unreliable as it may seem. While inherently "irrational"(not endowed with reason), emotion generally carries with it, a peculiar kind of information. Whether you're in a job situation or facing relationship issues, you need to know if the individual you're dealing with is struggling. You need to know if you're struggling with aspects of the situation. Emotion. You need to pay attention to it.

Logical individuals tend to be afraid of too much emotion, thinking it will carry them away. When feelings are too long repressed they do tend to shoot out of nowhere and make you do and say stupid things! Instead of resolving to never again allow yourself to let your feelings get the better of you, you need to get to know the monster in your own closet. If you do, you'll find that it isn't as uncontrolled and disturbing as you've imagined.

Feelings that are acknowledged and understood don't spring up and ambush you. Developing an awareness of emotions is recognized more and more as an intelligent move. Ever heard of Emotional Intelligence? Try it on. Feelings can work for you.

Rather than struggle with unending gray in your world, you can find yourself feeling like you again. Depression isn't a sign of weakness, it can be a signal that you need to develop a part of yourself. The emotional part.

Living the Unconscious Life

Action without assessment…sound familiar? We tend to do and say things without a conscious reason. And if we have a reason, it's only vaguely coherent. Most behaviors aren't viewed by individuals as chosen. Instead, we fall back on the reactionary stance to validate our actions.

"Well, he started it," we say as if we're eight years-old.

In this world, we struggle to find accountability and we always want to start looking for it in the other guy. Accepting personal responsibility goes much farther than paying your traffic tickets and trying to find time to vote. In order to really be in charge of our life experience, we have to put some energy into figuring out why we do what we do. It would also be a good idea if we ask ourselves the question, "Is it working?"

Far too many people are wholly engulfed in living unconscious lives. While they may purchase and read self-help literature and always peruse snippets they find on the internet about parenting, relationships and career investments, individuals aren't thinking. There is little evidence of it, anyway. The thought that usually is obvious is the amount of energy we put into figuring out why the other guy does what he does.

We're obsessed with reality television. Fascinated. Ignoring the fact that most reality shows are manipulated to present only the most interesting aspects of reality, why are we so interested in other people's psyches? Around the water cooler at work, on the subway and in the living room, we discussed ad nauseum what happened on last weeks Survivor or Nanny 911. We're not nearly as clear on why we yelled at our kids last night or how come the new dating relationship is starting to feel like the old one.

It's easier to look at others' actions than to see our own.

Self-examination is one of the hardest things humanity can do. Whether seeking multiple relationships that repeat the same cycles of behavior or running through the loop in only one relationship, people tend to be repetitive. Whether in a job situation or friendships, we struggle to look at our own actions with an objective eye.

What was I really feeling? What did I expect to get out of that behavior? I've been here before, and I don't like it. What do I need to do differently?

We tend to change the situations or our surroundings rather than alter our own actions. What is that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? And yet, this is a typical human behavior…among those who think they're healthy!

Seeking to understand ourselves--even the painful, awkward realities--will give us the power to craft our lives. We're in charge of our own actions and powerful in having the ability to steer our own lives.

Always Your Fault?

You're the screw-up. Whatever happened, it's your fault! You should have done something different. It's all you.

The interesting thing about responsibility is that it cannot be assumed or assigned without conferring power. Almost everyone wants to argue about that, but it is an unavoidable fact. Power and responsibility go hand-in-hand. Just think, if you are totally to blame for something, then it logically follows that you have the complete power to change it. You made it go bad, you must have the power to make things right.

This works fine when we're talking about one person's action or inaction. You didn't mail your boss' package. You didn't stop at the red light. You didn't turn your term paper in on time. Generally, all your responsibility.

Things get a lot more murky, however, when we're talking about any interaction of more than one person. Responsibility in relationships takes on a whole different meaning. In families or in couple relationships, assigning blame gets mathematical…you have to divide it by two.

Assigning blame involves spelling out the power in a relationship and if only one person has it, then the other one hasn't been carrying enough of the load.

If a couple breaks up and one party proclaims, "It's all my fault," I get confused. Since when did you get to be King? When it comes to human interaction, you can't really assign blame to just one party. Even if we're talking about cheating--and let's just say that one person did unzip something--some part of the relationship problems has to belong to both of you.

Relationships are incredibly complex. The issues that come up have to be addressed by both individuals. No one person caused the problems and no one person can fix them all. If, as so many people say, one partner just won't work on the problems, then the other partner has options. There are always a full range of things to be done in this event. So if the other guy won't deal with things, then the ball's in your court as to how you're going to deal with your partner not dealing.

The link between responsibility and power is easily missed. Lots of time one person in a relationship will say, with great nobility, "It's my fault. I'm totally to blame." But if this is true, the other person in the relationship had no say-so, no power. If everything rides on one person's shoulders, then the other person is completely a victim and that's never the case in relationships.

It's not always your fault, but it can't hurt to look at what you'd do differently next time!

Smart People and Panic Disorder

All of the sudden, your heart is slamming against your breast bone with every beat and feels like it's going to jump out of your chest. You're breaking out in a sweat. An excruciating sensation grips your chest. You must be having a heart attack!

Cardiac Infarction or Panic Attack?

Getting to the E.R. on the double is the first thought, and you probably have done so only to be told by the physicians that your cardiac situation is fine. Panic disorder, they say, casually recommending anti-anxiety meds and a good therapist.

You want to protest that you're fine. Nothing was going on, you were eating a sandwich or driving to an appointment or doing the usual everyday things. Nothing scary, nothing out of the ordinary. In the prime of your life, you've got most things handled. You've may have a demanding job which you love when it's not too hectic. Your life is good, probably, most of the time. Except you don't feel fine right now.

And the worst thing is you can't quit waiting for that sickening feeling to spring back up again. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop, you go into every day wondering if you're going to have another episode. This kind of thing has never happened to you before. You're usually the strong one helping everyone else to cope, but now you're starting to fear in a way you never have before.

If you're on medication for the episodes, you're probably feeling a little better--for now. The data tells us, however, that meds have higher efficiency if combined with talk therapy. And some people report that after a while their medication doesn't help as much as they'd like.

Panic Disorder generally stems from individuals feeling out of control--either of themselves or of their lives. Like a car hurtling down a mountain with no brakes, you can't stop the feelings, even when you know you're alright. Panic Disorder is almost always related to how we handle emotion.

It's about balance. If you've always been comfortable connecting to your emotional self, panic attacks can signal the need to learn to act more out of your rational capacity than out of pure emotion. For the very logical, however, panic attacks can mean you're going to have to deal differently with your feelings in order to get your life back.

Panic Disorder. Think of it as Spring Break and your emotions are college students who've either been squelched too long or who are accustomed to running amok. Bad things can happen!

The way you handle your emotions may be the problem.

Many sufferers of panic attacks are those people who seem least likely--the rational, always-in-control sort. If this is you, I'm sure you'd like to argue that you don't have a problem with emotion. You're just like everyone else, you've cried at a movie before probably. And you get mad at the guy driving slow in the left hand lane. Your emotions are fine, you may want to claim. And you're right, they are fine. But you've not been listening to your emotional self much. Maybe you learned early that emotions were unreliable. You'd rather use your head than listen to your heart.

You've probably had good reason for this stance. Maybe you've witnessed people making really poor decisions out of their feelings. Maybe as a child, you dealt with a hyper-emotional parent who seemed to throw more tantrums that you did. For whatever reason, you've probably decided that paying much attention to your emotions isn't all that important.

The panic attacks, however, are a clue that you're out of balance. Think of them as warning signs. Panic Disorder can signal the need to tune into your feelings. This isn't to say that you need to go with your heart in all decisions. It just means that you need to know how your heart feels about things. It is a surprise to some people to realize that sometimes information comes packaged with emotion. Important information.

Maybe you feel uneasy around someone at work. You might tend to dismiss this--might not even be aware of it--but that could be a mistake. That uneasy feeling is trying to tell you something. Pay attention. There are all sorts of possibilities. Maybe the guy isn't trying to knife you in the back with your boss, but you may have a feeling of inferiority that is signaling you to raise your own bar professionally. Take a few classes. Either way, you need to get to know what you need to know.

Of course, your co-worker could be trying to bring you down…or be smitten and plan to bring you flowers or he could remind you of your brother whom you've always distrusted. You need to know. You'll be surprised and caught off guard if you don't tune into your feelings.

Panic Disorder. It may feel like a weekend of Emotions Gone Wild, but it's probably just a signal that you need to pay attention.

The Attraction of the Abusive Relationship

If you're in an abusive relationship, you'll argue hotly that there's nothing attractive about being abused. If you're a bystander, watching someone you care about stay in an abusive situation, you may have asked why she doesn't leave. Assuming the victim has financial wherewithal and no children to muddy up the waters, why does she stay? What's the magnet that pulls her back into the situation over and over?

As many health professionals have stated, the cycle of abuse is just that: a repetitive circle. We see the violence part, hear the terrible name calling and witness the tense, building stage of anger. We underestimate, however, the lynch pin of the abusive relationship, the honeymoon. That phase when the abuser begs and pleads the victim not to leave him and tells her she's the world to him can be tremendously seductive. Has an abuse victim ever argued with you that if she leaves her abuser, he'll kill himself? Along with the fear of his dying goes hand-in-hand the conviction that she's important. She'll tell you with complete conviction that he loves her. Desperately needs her.

That's powerful.

Of course, you'll want to argue that love does not include black eyes nor does it call the loved one a bitch and a whore. Screaming about the length of a skirt or withdrawing with punishing coldness because a mate paid more attention to friends or family doesn't sound very loving, either. But the victim in an abusive relationship hears something different than you do. She feels tremendously, utterly loved. She feels really IMPORTANT.

She'll admit to you that he has rage problems and that he tends to be terribly jealous, but she'll also tell you that even though the dark moments are really dark, she's never felt more loved by anyone in her life.

Instant, consuming intimacy. He loves her so totally, that's why he gets "upset" when she doesn't tell him where she's going. That's why he's "worried about" who she's spending her time with. He loves her, she'll insist, even though she's also the one who has told you the scariest stories about him.

Abusive relationships are frequently characterized by the lightning speed with which an intimate level of interaction occurs. Not just sexually immediate, these relationships involve fast cohabitation and quick commitment. In truth, they share some characteristics with the Black Holes in space. They suck participants into an all-consuming, unrealistic interaction with a powerful grip. The relationship isn't just satisfying or fulfilling, it is everything. Long held goals may lose their luster. Friendships fall by the wayside. Family members are pushed away.

There is a tendency, even among mental health professionals, to blame this isolating intensity in the relationship solely on the abuser. If we do that, however, we are truly viewing the abused individual as a person with no power. The only way to change the pattern of abuse is to recognize the victim's power.

The cycle: escalating tension--violence--abject repentance and passionate declarations of love or "the honeymoon."

It is the mirage of consuming, overwhelming intimacy that tempts the victim back, over and over. Immediate intimacy is an oxymoron--an illusion--but it is an attractive, powerful one. The craving for intimacy is a human reality. Connection through relationships is necessary in order to find intimacy in this world, but developing true intimacy is requires time, effort...and lots of personal work. It's usually a painful, growing process to develop this level of connection to another human being. Big, big work. Most people struggle with the challenges involved in the process of developing true intimacy.

Not so with abusive relationships. The victim herself will tell you that she felt an immediate connection with her abuser.

This is the seduction of the abusive relationship. The illusion of intimacy with little effort. The victim of abuse is most anchored to her abuser by the honeymoon, the gloriously unrealistic moments when he tells her she is his everything. In truth, no one is anyone's everything. Still, the victim--along with many of the rest of us--wants to believe she can inspire this kind of all-consuming devotion. After all, the abuser risks dangers to himself in his "devotion" to the victim. He could go to jail out of his devotion to her. That's love, right?

She's never felt more loved, she'll tell you. And you'll probably ask, "How is this love?"

The Selfish Break-Up

Not only is breaking up hard to do, it can be confusing and complicated. More and more, people don't want an end that's the end of a relationship. You can view this phenomena as a relationship evolving into something different, or maybe you just suck at resolution. Ending relationships is hard and who likes hard?

I'm not 'in love' with you anymore. Let's just be 'friends.'

To be honest, you want it all. You don't want to be with her anymore, but you don't want her completely out of your life. The problem is that the 'all' you want usually means way less than 'all' for your previous partner. It's like taking away the cookie she's enjoyed freely before and expecting her to be happy with a crumb.

We were sexually and emotionally intimate before, but I'd like to just 'hang out' occasionally. You know, I want to be friends.

Breaking-up is really hard to do. After all, he's been in your life and there were moments with him that you enjoyed and valued. You've loved this person…and you've hated him. You may even have kids together. Probably, you don't wish your departing mate would die. At least, not most of the time. But even if you see the relationship as no longer possible, you may not be comfortable with never seeing your old lover again. You want to hear from him, now and again, and learn how he's doing.

Most of all, you don't want her to be mad at you.

This is a "win win" in the relationship world. It's like walking over and hitting a person and then expecting him to give you a hug. Action with no consequence. You smile and say, "I'm leaving you, but I still want to be your friend."

What's up with this? The really crazy thing is that the person who has been left can feel guilty for being mad! She doesn't feel friendly towards you. Get a clue! You don't get to act like a heel and expect to be told that it's okay. Being left hurts like hell.

Relationships sometimes end, unavoidably. Staying together is what most people wish they could do, but an alarming percentage don't. So, you break-up. This part is bad enough, but a growing number of individuals are dealing with the complexities of ending a relationship by not ending the relationship. They "stay friends." This is usually the idea of the one who wants to end the relationship.

But is this fair? If you want out, you no longer want to be with intimate with this person. Still, you want the good feelings. You may have a hard time thinking about your previous partner disliking you. You'd like to believe she still likes you, even if you ended the relationship.

Do the hard thing. End the relationship and take the results. If he's mad at you, it's because you're making the choice to walk away. You're not giving him a say in the situation, you're just going. And you have a perfect right to go, but don't expect to remain "friends." For one thing, it just confuses the heck out of the person you're leaving. It gives false hope and, when it's ripped away, hope hurts.

If you're leaving, you're not a friend. You're an Ex.

Choosing Your Best Career

Picking the right career isn't just a challenge for kids graduating from high school. Lots of adults wrestle with finding their niche. You'll find shelves of books in the library and bookstores on career choice. The real challenge is finding the best career for you.

Studies show that the average working American will have three to five careers and between 10 to 12 jobs during his or her lifetime. Flexibility in seeing different options is important and individuals find that their needs and interests can evolve overtime. So, what's the best career for you now?

There's lots of information on which are the hot jobs this year; even the careers forecasted to be in big demand for the next ten years. Different schools--whose business it is to get paying students--will even advertise their programs as if their training guarantees you a high-paying, universally-fulfilling job. But before you rush into a career choice, you need to think about several things

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Do You Know Yourself? You need to know what works for you personally. Does the job area you're considering really interest you? If you answer that you "sort of" like accounting, then you need to seriously examine your areas of interest. Now, you may answer that there aren't many jobs that involve playing video games or shopping. This is true. But your interests are very important in choosing your career path. If you love talking to and interacting with people, working alone in an office all day may not be your best career. Some people, however, love working in uninterrupted quiet. Which are you? Do you thrive with variety or crave routine? Know your own needs.

How much money will you make? Salary alone is a lousy reason to pursue any career. It is important, however, to know what income you can expect to make. If you don’t need much more than minimal transportation and a roof over your head, go ahead and choose the career that promises personal fulfillment, if not financial security. On the other hand, going after a career with only money as a motivation could land you in hours of misery every work day. That's way too much of your life to hate.

This leads us to a often-overlooked area of career choice. You may love your Psychology classes in college or really like studying English, but you need to know where career choices will lead you.

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What will you do every day in the job you're considering? Nurses deal with sick people, who sometimes complain. Law enforcement personnel deal with some of the lowest forms of human behavior--and they can't slap them silly anymore than nurses can tell off complaining patients. Archeologists sometimes dig in sweltering temperatures for days without finding anything, and criminologists do a heck of a lot of dull lab work that is never shown on television. If you get the job you're thinking about, what will you do every day?

What will you have to do to get to the job? If you've narrowed your areas of interest down to one or two, have you found out what training is required? Some jobs require no college, some involve two years of higher learning, others require eight or ten years. Love math? Hate math? English your worst subject? Find out what you're going to have to endure to get where you think you want to go.

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Talk to someone doing the job. This is one of the hardest things for most people. Even if you're not shy, it can be difficult to ask someone--maybe a stranger--to take the time to answer your career questions. Still, it is tremendously helpful to ask a person who's in the job what she likes or doesn't like about it. What did he wish he'd known before he started out in this particular training? Don't just talk to one; interview two or three people in your potential career. Surprisingly, most people will love to talk to you.

Ever wonder why people tend to get into the same careers their relatives pursue? They know what it's like to do those jobs! Don't feel like you have to choose the same career your uncle chose unless you really like it, but you also don't want to jump into a job you don't really know. Ask someone who's already working that job.

Even if they don't know you from Adam, give several people working in jobs you're considering a phone call or email. Ask them for twenty minutes of their time. You'll be surprised how enthusiastically most of them will respond. Go prepared with a list of questions. They'll be eagerly answered.

Student loans! These can be a blessing or a curse, sometimes both. With costs rising, college or technical school can be expensive. All schools, however, will quickly offer you a student loan application. Go ahead and fill it out--if you're going to be able to pay it back without living in poverty when you graduate. Many students are taking out big debt to earn degrees that qualify them for jobs that may earn them a decent living…but don't leave much left over to pay back college loans. You can spend ten years repaying loans after you graduate.

If you're heading to medical school, law school or any profession that will end up with you having significant earning power, loans may be a good option. If, however, your heart is set on any one of a thousand other important, but less well-paid jobs, you might want to work your way through school instead of taking out loans. Pay-as-you-go might be slower, and you may resist the thought of taking eight years to finish a four-year degree, but coming out debt-free will be in your best interest.

Which ever career you pick, make it the best one for you.