Relationship in Trouble? Don't Wait Too Late

Most couples who seek relationship counseling do so one small step ahead of calling a lawyer. You hope it'll just blow over. You've always gotten over conflicts in the past…the same ones you're arguing about now, probably. It's natural to feel a little weird telling a total stranger about the trouble in your relationship. Paying a professional to listen and help is strange, but the sad fact is that relationships are challenging. The hardest, most difficult things we humans attempt on this earth are raising children and maintaining healthy romantic relationships. Yet, we have a tendency to expect both to come as naturally as breathing.

When a relationship is in trouble, we wait to see if things will get better on their own. Maybe one or the other of you were just in a bad mood. You fight, you sulk, you go on with daily living. No resolution.

The problem with this approach is that leaving trouble unsolved almost always leads to bigger problems down the line. Truthfully, we don't fall out of love; we kill it little by little. Like water dripping on stone, we wear away the bedrock of love slowly. One unresolved conflict after another; one reoccurring argument after another. Giving in just to avoid a fight builds resentment

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Before you know it, you're really tired. You may find yourself preferring to spend time with others than with your mate. Love erodes if we don't find functional resolution in relationships. It isn't so much a matter of making sure each partner "wins" the same number of times. Winning is primarily in coming to understand the other's point of view and in coming to terms with the emotions we're experiencing.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable and even functional. Resolving disagreements in a manner where both partners feel listened to and understood leads to tremendous relationship strength.

Learning to get to this point, however, takes character and resolve. It takes a lot of energy to learn how to confront and deal with relationship conflict. To make this challenging reality worthwhile, we need to still find value together. Waiting till all the affection and love is drained out of the relationship frequently means we don't have the motivation to confront the bad spots.

Couples need to learn early how to fight, how to listen and resolve even the largest conflicts. Waiting until we're worn down with the disharmony can mean that even professional help is pointless. When there's no love left, there's less reason to wade into the battle.

Accidental Sex

"It just happened," you say to a friend. "We were kissing…and one thing led to another."

You can say it with excitement or with a grimace. Whether you regret the sex, see it as part of the blossoming of a new relationship or view the experience as just another date, physical intimacy has become another area in which we don't take control. The fact of the matter is that consensual sex is a choice. At some point in the interlude, someone unzipped someone's pants, lifted a skirt or tugged down a thong. It didn't just happen.

Oops, my vagina fell onto your penis!

Sex is a decision and one we're very unclear about. In today's world of AIDS, herpes and elusive, emotional intimacy, sexual contact has never been more carelessly engaged in. Yet, few people are taking ownership of their sexual experience. Ironically, "responsible sex" is simply a phrase that means using a condom. Hooking-up is now in our vocabulary along with making a booty call, but a surprising few claim to just want random sex. Most people say they're seeking a relationship with more enduring qualities, but they're still having sex on the slightest of acquaintances.

You meet, you talk and flirt…you go back to someone's place. It's as casual as going to dinner or taking a walk, only a lot more naked.

People are thinking and talking about sex--random strangers, random internet sites--but as individuals we feel more isolated than ever before. Everyone's doing it and everyone seems to feel bewildered by the struggle to "find someone." The most exciting, fulfilling sex is an act of physical intimacy that is an extension of emotional intimacy. You can't get to it in an hour of superficial conversation.

Spontaneity in relationships can be charming and attractive, but while sexual urges are very natural, acting on them also has consequences. Lots of consequences, actually. Whether the sex leads to a pregnancy, the passing of a disease or a lack of clarity in emotional relationship, it has powerful impact when we drop our pants on a whim.

Sex can be a ton of fun, all there at your fingertips, so to speak. No calories and no cost, if you do it right. But don't forget the emotional aspects of the physical gymnastics. You may not feel like it, but you are in control of your sexual and emotional experience. Maybe it would pay to put a little thought into what, and who, you're doing.

Staying "Friends" (or the Confused Divorce)

So, if you're divorced, why are you still acting like you're together? Isn't the fact that you felt you couldn't rely on him part of the reason you kicked him out? Didn't she cheat on you with other guys until you got tired of it and called a lawyer? In today's world, the marriage may not be working, but people think they are really okay with the confused divorce.

"We're legally divorced, but I'm still on his cell plan…and he asks me to call him to make sure he's awake for work…my stuff is still in his storage shed…and we sometimes get together for sex when we're horny."

The statement is usually followed by a "What? It's just sex. I never said I didn't like having sex with him."

Breaking-up is hard to do, but, lately, couples don't really do it. Not completely, even if it's legal. People split up, date others…and still continue the emotional connections in the relationship. You may feel you can't just cut the other person completely out of your life. You call and email one another. You send funny, involved text messages. You may even each have new relationships. Of course, you have the same problems between you two that you had when you were officially in the marriage, but these are less troubling since you're not living together.

Frequently, the excuse for all this confused togetherness is that you share children. "We need to get along for the kids," you say in shocked tones, as if going on vacations together and continuing to ask Dad over to fix the plumbing, were inherently important in children's lives.

You're divorced. You live in separate places. The kids know this and all your togetherness is just confusing to them.

The alternative--not seeing your ex, not talking, just passing the kids back and forth--is hard. For years, you've been in each other's lives. You've been able to ask her what to do when you've got a spot on your favorite shirt or how to get the iTrip on your Ipod to reset.

You've always been there for one another, sort of. But you're not anymore. The fighting has gotten so bad and you're so tired of the bitching, but that doesn't mean you don't want to see her…talk to her, again. Have sex occasionally.

The truth is we don't know how to fix the problems in relationships--the conflicts that drive you crazy and lead you to question why you're there at all? But we don't know how to shake the dust off our feet and get outta Dodge either, to mix a couple of really random metaphors.

This is the new, sneaky phenomena frequently labeled "staying friends." You may still care for the other person, it just seems you can't work out the problems. Not having any contact would be painful, so you form some kind of bastardized relationship that's half-way between lovers and friends, but doesn't really deserve to be called either one.

The "friendship" after a break-up idea is a delusion, though. If you're not ready to end, sever, terminate and shut off all contact in a relationship, maybe you're not ready to divorce. The half-way in, half-way out thing is just an avoidance of dealing with the conflicts. You can do better. Don't live a half-way, half-assed relationship. Fix it. Learn to fight effectively. Make the marriage work…unless your mate refuses. Or you don't really want to try that hard. If this is true, suck it up and end--really end--the relationship.

Divorce stinks. It's only benefit is to end the conflicts and the fighting. So end it, if you're gonna end it.

Love Whores

Ever sell yourself out just to stay in a relationship? Make promises to appease your partner even when he's in the wrong? Do you walk on eggshells when she's in a bad mood? Is there rarely a week without a big fight? And yet, you still don't leave. Maybe you're scared to be single. Maybe you stay in your relationship because you're afraid to be alone.

You may be a Love Whore.

If you've been in one relationship after another every since high school, being alone will feel strange initially. May even feel bad. You won't have someone to wake up with or someone to phone when you're leaving work. You won't have someone who cares that you just got a speeding ticket. You'll be alone. Does this sound scary? Upsetting. Love whores will do almost anything to make sure they're in a relationship, whatever relationship. Doesn't really matter that much with whom…

Alone is not going to kill you.

So, is your current relationship really worth the trouble? Does it work for you more often than not? Whether to stay in or get out of a relationship can be a huge question and one a lot of people struggle with. You may poll your friends on what to do. You report every happening, tell them every bad thing that he does and says until your friends yell at you to just get out already!

Maybe all the thinking and talking about it says as much about you as it does the relationship. Maybe you define yourself by whatever relationship you're in at the moment. Do you even know who you are without a partner? Some individuals have the fear that they won't really exist without a mate, that it'll be like going out naked. You won't be complete without someone, almost anyone beside you.

You're not desperate, you may say. Maybe not, but you have to ask yourself what was the longest period of time you've been unattached. If the answer is only a week or two, maybe you'd better consider again….

Now, you might be thinking that too many people change partners like changing socks. Relationships require commitment, right. Don't individuals give up on relationships too quickly? Sure they do! It is often a reality that, unable to work through relationship conflicts, we dump the relationship and move one--usually, by the next weekend. But staying in a bad relationship that won't heal isn't a good option, either.

It is a particularly bad idea to stay because you don't want to face the things that come with a break-up. Don't stay because you're afraid of being alone. This is a big mistake and one individuals are frequently making. You date "fillers," someone to hang out with until someone you're really into comes along.

Maybe you've been out in the dating world and you're tired of serial relationships--some individuals change partners with dizzying speed. But it isn't a good idea to stay in a relationship where the issues don't change--just cycle around over and over--and the two of you aren't willing to find a resolution.

When there are lots of signs that you don't need to stay, get out.

If you don't share your mate's values, if you or your mate is cheating, if you got into the relationship because you weren't happy with your previous lover, if you find the relationship costing you more than it brings you, get out.

Just get out.

Hitting the Relationship "Reset" Button

You meet this really incredible person, you go out, you make-out…and we're off to the races. With today's pacing, relationships go from zero to living together in a matter of weeks. Physical intimacy on the first night of meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex is common.

Relationship intimacy, however, in it's very definition requires close association and familiarity. To actually know another person--a very personal, private journey--involves sharing experiences. We humans aren't, by nature, able to open up our deepest soul secrets to individuals we barely know.

And knowing another person is a complicated matter.

Okay, so what do you do if this "crotch rocket relationship" has already leapt ahead of itself? Do you let it run its course--usually a pretty ugly sight--or try to rewind, back up and start over? What if you're really into the other person…or you think you're really into the person you think he is? You don't want to pull the plug totally!

It is possible to hit the "Reset" button in a relationship, but only if both parties are willing. If one half of the relationship views this corrective phase as a nice way of the other person dumping them, or getting permission to play the field again, backing off and taking a more clear run at emotional intimacy won't be very successful. The problem is that most people want the good stuff that comes with intimacy and they want it fast.

Screw the journey.

The process of becoming genuinely intimate is scary and challenging. The truth is…most of us want the goodies that come with intimacy without having to do the work. I mean, who wouldn't? It's like wanting to eat lots of chocolate and lose ten pounds at the same time. Doesn't usually work that way(no matter how much you go to the gym).

Intimacy involves getting naked emotionally. Letting it all hang out, being your true self(even when you're positive your self has a few issues) and learning to understand the other party's issues. After all, part of the reason people want immediate intimacy is they've had some trouble with the longer version. Somewhere, sometime they didn't feel loved or appreciated or understood. But this time it'll be different. They've picked the "right" one, this time. It's like romance is a treasure hunt and somewhere out there is a heavy gold chest with your name on it. You just have to date a lot of "frogs" before you get it right. (With this belief system, you really ought to make sure you don't sleep with all those frogs!)

Relationship intimacy, the kind required for long term success with a lover, requires you to actually get to know your lover. And let your lover get to know you, warts and all. Then, you have to learn to adjust, alter and accommodate for one another. This is love. Real, true love. The kind that lasts fifty years.

Hitting the "reset" button may mean abstaining from sexual intimacy until you know one other better. It may mean not calling one another ten times a day. It may actually involved starting over…and none of the above means the worst. Resetting a relationship requires you to give it serious energy in the slowing down and starting over. It may also mean you find out that you don't like each other so much after all.

It may mean the end of a relationship that never should have gone this far anyway. But, look at it this way, if the relationship ends because you've hit the "reset" button, it was probably going to end regardless and maybe you've wasted much less time on a dead-end situation.

Depression and Logic

You're used to handling life pretty well. Work is sometimes a hassle, but you've got things under control. Maybe things are sometimes rocky in the relationship area, but that's just a fact of life for everyone occasionally. Nothing horrible has happened in your life. Actually, everything is okay. Not much different than usual…except you're having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. On your days off, you mostly just want to sleep. Or maybe you're not sleeping much. Nothing really excites you anymore. You don't enjoy anything much.

Are highly cognitive, logical individuals more prone to depression?

This dark, unmotivated mood is not like you. While you may have had your share of down days, you're not generally pessimistic. But lately everything is gray.

Nothing has really changed that much, but you've started feeling less and less like yourself. You start thinking a lot about really dark things, like about dying and how useless life is. Maybe the people around you are asking "What's wrong?" And that's a problem because even though you don't feel right, you can't say exactly what's wrong.

This is not who you usually are. In fact, you tend to be a take charge person. Maybe things didn't get done if you haven't taken care of them. Probably the people around you tend to rely on you. A lot. Expected you to handle things, fix things…and you have.

Only now, you can't seem to make yourself right. You keep telling yourself to get over it!! But you can't make yourself get things done the way you used to…and you can't really care.

You know about "clinical depression" and how it can have a chemical component. Some relative may have had a problem with depression. You've heard that this can run in families. Maybe you've tried, or are currently taking, anti-depressant drugs. For awhile, these can seem to alleviate some of the darkness. Not usually for long, however. Our bodies seem to adjust to the meds, requiring a constant tinkering with the dosage or shifting between different kinds of medications.

There is, however, another aspect of depression that you might want to explore. Highly-cognitive people--defined as those who prefer the rational over the emotional--don't usually display their emotions on their faces. They don't always know exactly what they feel and can actually be prone to depression. From this perspective, what you're struggling with is an under-developed emotional awareness. A muscle that's not been used much. Like handedness, individuals usually have a preference as to whether they see life situations from a logical or an emotional perspective.

There is nothing right or wrong about either perspective--although people tend to think their own way of dealing with emotional situations is best! There are, however, functional aspects to both.

Everyone thinks and everyone feels, but highly-cognitive people have utilized their logic more than their emotion. They tend to feel emotion is irrational and unreliable. Emotions do seem to shift with the wind sometimes and this "instability" seems a poor position from which to function.

In tuning out emotions, however, you run a big risk. It's like turning down the sound on the radio. When you turn down hurt and grief and fear, you've muted joy and happiness, too.

Emotion isn't as unreliable as it may seem. While inherently "irrational"(not endowed with reason), emotion generally carries with it, a peculiar kind of information. Whether you're in a job situation or facing relationship issues, you need to know if the individual you're dealing with is struggling. You need to know if you're struggling with aspects of the situation. Emotion. You need to pay attention to it.

Logical individuals tend to be afraid of too much emotion, thinking it will carry them away. When feelings are too long repressed they do tend to shoot out of nowhere and make you do and say stupid things! Instead of resolving to never again allow yourself to let your feelings get the better of you, you need to get to know the monster in your own closet. If you do, you'll find that it isn't as uncontrolled and disturbing as you've imagined.

Feelings that are acknowledged and understood don't spring up and ambush you. Developing an awareness of emotions is recognized more and more as an intelligent move. Ever heard of Emotional Intelligence? Try it on. Feelings can work for you.

Rather than struggle with unending gray in your world, you can find yourself feeling like you again. Depression isn't a sign of weakness, it can be a signal that you need to develop a part of yourself. The emotional part.

Living the Unconscious Life

Action without assessment…sound familiar? We tend to do and say things without a conscious reason. And if we have a reason, it's only vaguely coherent. Most behaviors aren't viewed by individuals as chosen. Instead, we fall back on the reactionary stance to validate our actions.

"Well, he started it," we say as if we're eight years-old.

In this world, we struggle to find accountability and we always want to start looking for it in the other guy. Accepting personal responsibility goes much farther than paying your traffic tickets and trying to find time to vote. In order to really be in charge of our life experience, we have to put some energy into figuring out why we do what we do. It would also be a good idea if we ask ourselves the question, "Is it working?"

Far too many people are wholly engulfed in living unconscious lives. While they may purchase and read self-help literature and always peruse snippets they find on the internet about parenting, relationships and career investments, individuals aren't thinking. There is little evidence of it, anyway. The thought that usually is obvious is the amount of energy we put into figuring out why the other guy does what he does.

We're obsessed with reality television. Fascinated. Ignoring the fact that most reality shows are manipulated to present only the most interesting aspects of reality, why are we so interested in other people's psyches? Around the water cooler at work, on the subway and in the living room, we discussed ad nauseum what happened on last weeks Survivor or Nanny 911. We're not nearly as clear on why we yelled at our kids last night or how come the new dating relationship is starting to feel like the old one.

It's easier to look at others' actions than to see our own.

Self-examination is one of the hardest things humanity can do. Whether seeking multiple relationships that repeat the same cycles of behavior or running through the loop in only one relationship, people tend to be repetitive. Whether in a job situation or friendships, we struggle to look at our own actions with an objective eye.

What was I really feeling? What did I expect to get out of that behavior? I've been here before, and I don't like it. What do I need to do differently?

We tend to change the situations or our surroundings rather than alter our own actions. What is that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? And yet, this is a typical human behavior…among those who think they're healthy!

Seeking to understand ourselves--even the painful, awkward realities--will give us the power to craft our lives. We're in charge of our own actions and powerful in having the ability to steer our own lives.