Relationship Do-Overs

It’s like the fish that got away…. Former lovers. Past relationships that fizzled out or exploded in a blaze of broken hearts. Whether you found each other again at a high school reunion or hooked up once more on MySpace, the temptation to go back to a love from days past can be strong.

Ending relationships is typically painful and difficult. You once loved this person and gave a lot of yourself to the relationship. Whether you left, you got left or you both decided to end it, most of us don’t like saying goodbye. Revisiting a broken relationship can feel like finding a lost valuable. It’s exciting and familiar in all the good ways. But is it all good?

Sometimes, individuals find themselves, not with the same someone, but with a similar someone. Relationships and intimate interaction is half you. Are you driving the same track? Picking the same kind of person? Acting the same in different relationships?

If so, you’re going to get very similar results.

Getting involved with a former lover can be very tempting. But you need to ask yourself what’s different now? If the two of you had conflicting values—different lifestyle preferences, conflicts in communication or different views on what the relationship should be—is this conflict still present?

It’s not enough to say you’re going to try harder or that you know now how terrific he is. You fell in love in the first place and somewhere you hit a problem. If you don’t see how this problem can be fixed, why go back? Going back means revisiting all of the problems, too.

Taking a break from a relationship, only to start it up later, doesn’t solve the issues. No matter how attractive it seems, if you haven’t found a solid way to deal with the issues, they’re still a problem. Sometimes, individuals tell themselves that they’re not going to make a big deal of things this time. They’ll roll with the punches or go with the flow or some other cliché that helps them believe they won’t care about what they cared about before.

If you’ve gone through a major transformation…done intensive therapy, done a huge intrapersonal assessment or retooled your value system, maybe then your experience in the relationship will be different. You may, however, need to accept that some relationships aren’t fixable. People who get together because they make good friends can sometimes make an intimate relationship work. After all, friendship is an important part of a loving relationship. But not all friends make good lovers. You may get along great when you’re not sharing a bed or a financial report. It’s easier being friends, than being lovers.

You need to ask yourself: In getting back into this relationship, are you just going for Round Two? Is this the same story over again? If so, you can expect a similar outcome.

Maybe you screwed up in the first go-around. Maybe there are big things you’d do differently. You can try to learn from every relationship, because you’ve given a fair amount of yourself into each one. Relationships are 50/50, even if all you did was give in to your mate all the time. You contributed something, even if it was passivity (not a good thing in a relationship) .

People do change and relationships can be different. You get to change your own function. This is the personal power we all possess. Before you get into a repeat relationship, though, you need to look hard at your own actions and your motivations. More than anything, you need to give serious attention to the question of what’s different now?

Going With Your Gut

Some decisions just feel right. You have a sense of what you need to do—there may be no question about the choice—but basing every decision on how you feel can lead to a very chaotic life.

Emotion alone doesn’t give you a complete reality. You can feel challenged, unloved or frightened, but this can shift rapidly when you get a different perspective on a given situation. Not everything you feel is true in reality. How you feel, though, is really important. You do need to have an awareness of your emotional experience. Some pieces of information come packaged—wrapped—in emotion. You can’t shut these out and be safe. More and more we are realizing that in many life-threatening situations, victims had an awareness of danger(emotion!) and disregarded this.

You need to know how you feel and not disregard emotion. Then, you need to mix your emotional awareness with some level of objective reasoning. This isn’t easy. When you have strong emotions, rational thought can be difficult.

Particularly with those you love, you may struggle to be objective. Loved ones are the people who provoke the strongest emotions in you—both happiness and anger. But even when you feel betrayed or misunderstood or disregarded, you need to strive for a somewhat logical assessment of the situation. You may feel unloved in a moment when you are actually very loved.

Decisions based purely on emotion leave you vulnerable. Whether you’re making a relationship decision (“Yes, I’ve only known him a week, but I’m moving in with him. He treats me like a queen!”) or buying a car. Make sure you look at the situation as rationally as possible. Just because the car saleswoman seems like she’s really trustworthy doesn’t mean the car is the best deal for you. Similarly, when you’re dating, you need to use your head as well as your heart. How well do you really know the person you’re going home with? Do you even know if he voted Republican or Democrat in the election? Or if he voted at all? Just because you feel close to or loved by someone at the moment, doesn't mean you really know him.

More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The biggest issues are money, sex and dealing with kids. You need to know the person you’re getting involved with or just getting into bed with. Relationships are complicated. Throw in a few ex-spouses and a couple of step-kids and you have a very confusing, distressing situation.

Find some rationality and don’t count only on your friends to help you with this. Friends are friends because they’re on your side. This feels nice, but it doesn’t help you to be objective about which job will be best for you and which ex-lover is likely to have changed his stripes. When you have a big decision to make, don’t go solely with your gut.

Major situations shouldn’t be decided on how you feel. Abusers are wonderfully attentive and flattering…in the beginning. Some jobs look great on paper, but would be hell for you. Don’t think you’re better off finding a situation in which you feel good right now. Experiences change and emotion shifts like the weather. Being able to anchor yourself on reality, gives you a better handle on making choices.

Ask yourself--given all the information in a situation--what you’d tell one of your friends she should do. Step out of your situation and try to look at it as if this wasn’t about you. Think what you’d say to a child of yours, if he were in a similar situation. If you can, talk with a therapist. Being completely outside of the situation, he or she should be able to help you see aspects you haven’t considered.

Finding a complete picture in a situation means including both the logical and the subjective. Listen to your heart, but don’t disregard your head. Both are important.

Can't Be Alone?

Have you ever dated someone you really weren't that into? Ever found yourself hanging out with a member of the opposite sex and stumbling into intimacy…just because he was there? Does going out with a bunch of "coupled" friends make you uncomfortable unless you have a date? Do you sometimes avoid going home because there's no one else there? Maybe you've continued dating a "filler" because there was no one else around who really interested you…and you didn't want to be alone.

The fear of being alone causes individuals to rush out after a break-up and immediately start seeing someone else. Pretty much anyone else. It's like a romantic relay race or a game of musical beds. Hardly able to bear a week between relationships, people start looking around immediately and quickly latch onto someone else. The new dating cycle usually starts by "going out" the weekend after the old relationship ends. Let's be honest, it's not just that you suddenly want to dance or that you just want a drink. You're trolling for the next person to add to your dating resume.

There are various reasons for the growing phenomenon of endless, serial dating relationships. The "can't be alone" conviction may be a way to handle rejection. Your old girlfriend has just kicked you to the curb. "I'll show her!" you determine. "Somebody wants me, even if she doesn't." Please note, in this particular scenario, you always make sure the previous lover knows about the current date. Either you call her to get your video games back or you "run into" her at a favorite restaurant. Sometimes, using no pretense at all, you just call to let your previous lover know you've moved on.

Or the rush to hook up with someone else can simply a way to fill up the empty space left by the departed lover. It hurts to lose love. Even if the relationship had problems, you can feel lost, cast bare-naked into the world. Alone. If you have a good feel for your "type," you might end up dating very similar people with different faces. Then you can continue the same problematic behaviors in the new relationship. Nothing really changes, but the name next to yours on the lease. Successful relationships involve personal challenges for all of us. Doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result has been called a definition of insanity. Then, again…relationships sometimes feel pretty insane.

Maybe you just hate eating alone. It can feel weird to request a table for one at a restaurant or go to a movie by yourself. But are these awkward situations so terrible that we engage in pretend relationships? A large number of people get in relationships that they privately view as "temporary." They're just waiting until someone really good come along and then they'll jump from one life boat to the other.

When did the single, unattached state become a disease? We tend to view others who are dateless as losers and who wants to be a loser? Being in relationships is crazy complicated. Why add to that by letting your desperation be the primary motivation?

Be alone. It's okay. Even if people look at you funny, try to give you dating advice or wonder aloud why you can't find a mate, being single can still be better than being with someone you don't really want to end up with.

Dare to be different. Dare to be alone.

Useless College Degrees

Graduate from college and automatically get a good job? Not necessarily. Students who earn undergraduate degrees in general studies, liberal arts, sociology, and similar majors may find themselves educated, but unemployable when they exit academia. These are just a few college degrees that prepare students for graduate school--you could get into law school with any of these--but which might not earn you a living. Psychology is a tremendously interesting field of study and increasing numbers of students claim this as their major, but a graduate degree is necessary to support yourself if you want to be a psychologist.

Yeppies--the children of the yuppies of the '80s--are idealistic about their futures. Not only do they aspire to changing the world, they're accustomed to pursuing their interests with an Apple Nano Ipod in their $200 True Religion jeans pockets. Unfortunately, a large percentage of them have no concept of how to earn these luxuries.

It is a little known reality that a degree in business can get you a job earning six figures or one working next to people with no college experience. Same with some technology degrees. Going to college and graduating isn't enough. Higher education used to guarantee the graduate an automatic career in his company of choice. Individuals went to school, took a variety of classes as random as their interests, and like the hero of the movie, The Graduate, still had no idea of their place in the work world.

The phenomena of the unemployable college graduate, to a large part, reflects parents' attitude toward the children of the hard-working middle class. We put in long hours and make the most money to provide our families with the little luxuries of life. Kids are not required to earn their own spending money or to work at after-school jobs. We want them to "focus on their studies," we say. Many are in Advanced Placement(AP) or Honors classes. Parents love saying, "My son is in all AP classes." Advanced Placement can be tough, but not necessarily advantageous. Depending on the teacher and the subject, students can be required to produce quantities of academic efforts, and this is frequently the reason they don't have part-time jobs. They stay up long hours working on school projects and IM-ing each other until their sleep clocks get out of whack. Summers are one long blur of sleeping and hanging out. While kids might be prepared for college, they're too often not prepared to lay claim to adult lives in the work world.

The solution? We parents need to encourage kids to begin thinking earlier about the career path they want to pursue. Any real-life experience they can get in their fields of interest is valuable. Volunteering in the professional environment or interviewing a college professor who teaches the subject can both provide important information about the reality of professions. Learning to work, even in menial settings, is also important, especially if we encourage them to take work responsibilities seriously. Even holding an job that a kid doesn't like can help him or her realize fields of study that aren't for them. (It can also motivate them to go to school to earn the kind of career they will enjoy.) Jobs in fast food restaurants and amusement parks can help young people learn what they need from the work experience. Enjoy working with people? Prefer quiet and solitary tasks? Kids need to know these things in order to create a fulfilling, successful career path.

Send them to college, for sure, but get them ready to get ready for a life of professional experience.

Relationship in Trouble? Don't Wait Too Late

Most couples who seek relationship counseling do so one small step ahead of calling a lawyer. You hope it'll just blow over. You've always gotten over conflicts in the past…the same ones you're arguing about now, probably. It's natural to feel a little weird telling a total stranger about the trouble in your relationship. Paying a professional to listen and help is strange, but the sad fact is that relationships are challenging. The hardest, most difficult things we humans attempt on this earth are raising children and maintaining healthy romantic relationships. Yet, we have a tendency to expect both to come as naturally as breathing.

When a relationship is in trouble, we wait to see if things will get better on their own. Maybe one or the other of you were just in a bad mood. You fight, you sulk, you go on with daily living. No resolution.

The problem with this approach is that leaving trouble unsolved almost always leads to bigger problems down the line. Truthfully, we don't fall out of love; we kill it little by little. Like water dripping on stone, we wear away the bedrock of love slowly. One unresolved conflict after another; one reoccurring argument after another. Giving in just to avoid a fight builds resentment

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Before you know it, you're really tired. You may find yourself preferring to spend time with others than with your mate. Love erodes if we don't find functional resolution in relationships. It isn't so much a matter of making sure each partner "wins" the same number of times. Winning is primarily in coming to understand the other's point of view and in coming to terms with the emotions we're experiencing.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable and even functional. Resolving disagreements in a manner where both partners feel listened to and understood leads to tremendous relationship strength.

Learning to get to this point, however, takes character and resolve. It takes a lot of energy to learn how to confront and deal with relationship conflict. To make this challenging reality worthwhile, we need to still find value together. Waiting till all the affection and love is drained out of the relationship frequently means we don't have the motivation to confront the bad spots.

Couples need to learn early how to fight, how to listen and resolve even the largest conflicts. Waiting until we're worn down with the disharmony can mean that even professional help is pointless. When there's no love left, there's less reason to wade into the battle.

Accidental Sex

"It just happened," you say to a friend. "We were kissing…and one thing led to another."

You can say it with excitement or with a grimace. Whether you regret the sex, see it as part of the blossoming of a new relationship or view the experience as just another date, physical intimacy has become another area in which we don't take control. The fact of the matter is that consensual sex is a choice. At some point in the interlude, someone unzipped someone's pants, lifted a skirt or tugged down a thong. It didn't just happen.

Oops, my vagina fell onto your penis!

Sex is a decision and one we're very unclear about. In today's world of AIDS, herpes and elusive, emotional intimacy, sexual contact has never been more carelessly engaged in. Yet, few people are taking ownership of their sexual experience. Ironically, "responsible sex" is simply a phrase that means using a condom. Hooking-up is now in our vocabulary along with making a booty call, but a surprising few claim to just want random sex. Most people say they're seeking a relationship with more enduring qualities, but they're still having sex on the slightest of acquaintances.

You meet, you talk and flirt…you go back to someone's place. It's as casual as going to dinner or taking a walk, only a lot more naked.

People are thinking and talking about sex--random strangers, random internet sites--but as individuals we feel more isolated than ever before. Everyone's doing it and everyone seems to feel bewildered by the struggle to "find someone." The most exciting, fulfilling sex is an act of physical intimacy that is an extension of emotional intimacy. You can't get to it in an hour of superficial conversation.

Spontaneity in relationships can be charming and attractive, but while sexual urges are very natural, acting on them also has consequences. Lots of consequences, actually. Whether the sex leads to a pregnancy, the passing of a disease or a lack of clarity in emotional relationship, it has powerful impact when we drop our pants on a whim.

Sex can be a ton of fun, all there at your fingertips, so to speak. No calories and no cost, if you do it right. But don't forget the emotional aspects of the physical gymnastics. You may not feel like it, but you are in control of your sexual and emotional experience. Maybe it would pay to put a little thought into what, and who, you're doing.

Staying "Friends" (or the Confused Divorce)

So, if you're divorced, why are you still acting like you're together? Isn't the fact that you felt you couldn't rely on him part of the reason you kicked him out? Didn't she cheat on you with other guys until you got tired of it and called a lawyer? In today's world, the marriage may not be working, but people think they are really okay with the confused divorce.

"We're legally divorced, but I'm still on his cell plan…and he asks me to call him to make sure he's awake for work…my stuff is still in his storage shed…and we sometimes get together for sex when we're horny."

The statement is usually followed by a "What? It's just sex. I never said I didn't like having sex with him."

Breaking-up is hard to do, but, lately, couples don't really do it. Not completely, even if it's legal. People split up, date others…and still continue the emotional connections in the relationship. You may feel you can't just cut the other person completely out of your life. You call and email one another. You send funny, involved text messages. You may even each have new relationships. Of course, you have the same problems between you two that you had when you were officially in the marriage, but these are less troubling since you're not living together.

Frequently, the excuse for all this confused togetherness is that you share children. "We need to get along for the kids," you say in shocked tones, as if going on vacations together and continuing to ask Dad over to fix the plumbing, were inherently important in children's lives.

You're divorced. You live in separate places. The kids know this and all your togetherness is just confusing to them.

The alternative--not seeing your ex, not talking, just passing the kids back and forth--is hard. For years, you've been in each other's lives. You've been able to ask her what to do when you've got a spot on your favorite shirt or how to get the iTrip on your Ipod to reset.

You've always been there for one another, sort of. But you're not anymore. The fighting has gotten so bad and you're so tired of the bitching, but that doesn't mean you don't want to see her…talk to her, again. Have sex occasionally.

The truth is we don't know how to fix the problems in relationships--the conflicts that drive you crazy and lead you to question why you're there at all? But we don't know how to shake the dust off our feet and get outta Dodge either, to mix a couple of really random metaphors.

This is the new, sneaky phenomena frequently labeled "staying friends." You may still care for the other person, it just seems you can't work out the problems. Not having any contact would be painful, so you form some kind of bastardized relationship that's half-way between lovers and friends, but doesn't really deserve to be called either one.

The "friendship" after a break-up idea is a delusion, though. If you're not ready to end, sever, terminate and shut off all contact in a relationship, maybe you're not ready to divorce. The half-way in, half-way out thing is just an avoidance of dealing with the conflicts. You can do better. Don't live a half-way, half-assed relationship. Fix it. Learn to fight effectively. Make the marriage work…unless your mate refuses. Or you don't really want to try that hard. If this is true, suck it up and end--really end--the relationship.

Divorce stinks. It's only benefit is to end the conflicts and the fighting. So end it, if you're gonna end it.