Strive for Spectacular Failure

You’re not always going to be right or act right, no matter what. That’s just a reality of life. But avoiding failure at all costs, costs way too much.

In The Last Lecture, a new book by Randy Pausch, a computer science professor diagnosed with terminal cancer, the author talks about going for your dreams. He advocates pursuing the things that really matter to you, even if you’re not sure you can reach these. Even if you’re afraid you can’t reach them. He’s even given awards to his students who have reached for—and failed to reach—high goals.

Failure isn’t lethal, but not trying anything new and risky may kill the life in your life.

There’s no denying that it feels bad to fail. The fear of this experience is pretty much universal. Most of us hate failing. You can’t live an engaged, successful life, though, by staying in bed with the covers over your head.

Some individuals grew up as “the good kid” in their family. Maybe another sibling got in trouble a lot. Maybe their parents gave them a preferential role. Regardless, there are some who are very attached to always being seen as doing the right thing. This can be a handicap because the process of making choices involves the possibility of making a choice with consequences you don’t like. This is how human beings learn. No risk means limited learning.

The important thing is to reach for what you want. Try big, new things. If you’re paying attention, you’ll find the lessons in your failures. Don’t ignore these. Take your failure and look at it as objectively as possible. Use it. With the information you can gather, you have a better chance of aiming more accurately next time. Any large endeavor will naturally involve learning. Learning brings with it the possibility—the probability—of failure. You will fail. You need to process these experiences in order to have a chance of reaching for and finding your dreams.

If you’re going out on a limb, make it a spectacular limb. Go for the gusto. Reach for your own dreams and know that these will evolve as you go. If you’re involved in pursuing what you want, you’ll get clearer about what you really want. Failure can help you with this.

Don’t be ashamed of failing. The greater loss is in not going after what you want.

Traumatized? The Unrecognized Reality

If you’ve ever witnessed a crime…ever been the victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise…ever served time in a combat zone…or been involved in a natural disaster, you may be suffering a post-traumatic reaction and not know it.

Traumatic situations leave a lingering stain on your psyche. This can lead to abusing alcohol or drugs and can make relationships difficult. You may struggle with depression or anxiety. Close associates might tell you that you have anger issues. All these feelings can be overwhelming. You might just think you’re crazy.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Traumatic events in your life might be having more of an effect than you think. The rapidly expanding field of neuroscience is discovering the process of brain development and how early childhood trauma can disregulate a child to the point of extreme dysfunction. These children are typically prone to respond to stress by shifting into a hyperarousal or disassociative state. This generally results in a higher than normal heart rate and other physical symptoms. Misbehavior is common. Traumatized kids may live in stress states. If they’re not understood, they can be labeled with a variety of inaccurate psychiatric diagnoses.

Exposure to traumatic events can have a significant impact on you, even when you’re an adult. Trauma survivors develop symptoms, in an attempt to find normal lives, that can be both distressing and harmful. Survivors tend to want to forget their horrific experiences and move on, but forgetting isn’t easy…and isn’t actually helpful.

Soldiers returning home from war have clearly been exposed to horrific images and terrifying events, but trauma can be just as dreadful when it’s closer to home. A larger percentage of individuals have suffered through traumatic episodes than previously recognized. If these events impact a large group of people (wars, bombings, etc) and gain a lot of media coverage, individuals usually know they’ve had some impact from the disturbing events. When the traumatic experience is less public---physical or sexual abuse as a child or adult, being involved in a significant traffic event, witnessing the violent or unexpected death of a loved one---some individuals swallow their distress and try their best to soldier on.

The result can be post-traumatic stress disorder that’s unrecognized and untreated. Like an internal injury, the impact on function is still present. Relationships can fall apart. Individuals may feel like they don’t know why they’re behaving the way they are.

There is help. With understanding and support, you can incorporate the event and move forward to live an unshadowed life. With knowledgeable professional intervention, individuals who’ve self-medicated through various means, or adopted other self-destructive habits, can be helped to heal.

Never think you can’t move forward. Sometimes, though, the crutch is more destructive than the original injury. Left untreated and harbored in the darkest parts of your mind and memories, traumatic events will do you harm. Talk to a knowledgeable professional. Don’t give up on yourself.

Donkey vs Elephant

This tumultuous time in the U.S. political process is showcasing democracy at it’s best. While the current climate seems divisive and even scary, conflict that involves everyone getting to have a say, is good for the health of the nation.

It’s also how relationships work best.

It is important to remember the validity of perspectives that differ from our own. The conflicts raging in the political arena demonstrate that both sides of every debate hold some truth. Whether in the larger political arena or in the context of an intimate relationship, this kind of conflict can become polarizing. This is sad and limiting to those who cannot see the other view. When individuals retreat into hurling abuse at others who hold positions different from their own, everyone loses.

Even opinions that are very different from yours hold a measure of validity. Being able to hear and acknowledge this enhances both your reasoning and the strength of your position. Whether from a political perspective or across your own breakfast table, hearing a differing view of a situation enables you to achieve a better balance. Those who are very conservative, need to hear the concerns of the very liberal. The liberal need to see that some aspects of a conservative view make sense. Both sides have important priorities.

Considering differing views helps us to keep from getting solidified in a closed mindset.

The greatness of our country was built on the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, but we need individuals like Martin L. King to point out inequities. We need to recognize the value of diversity. The democratic process requires people to challenge the status quo and we need to listen to differing voices.

Let’s remember during this time of change, although maddening and frustrating, it is important for everyone to participate in the process.

How To Break-Up

Most people don’t want to do this at all. Breaking-up sucks…unless you’re so beaten down in the relationship that getting out sounds like a huge relief. Or unless you’ve already moved on and you’ve found a new love that won’t ever treat you this badly(you’re sure). Relationships are complicated.

So, this whole thing isn’t fun. But there are ways to break-up that make it even worse.

If you have any caring left in you for your soon-to-be ex, and most people have some, regardless of how bored they are or how badly they’ve been hurt in the relationship, things get complex. There are several scenarios in which it sounds good to stay friends. If you don’t want the relationship to end, staying friends can be your way of maintaining contact and keeping your foot in the door. It seems to provide you with a caring context for any future contact and you don’t totally lose the one you love. This kind of contact enables your lost lover to return to you and the relationship you once had, if he or she realizes what you had together.

If, on the other hand, you were the one who left the relationship, you may want to stay friends, partly out of guilt. You don’t want your former partner to hate you and you don’t hate him or her. Maybe it just seemed like the relationship had “run it’s course” or flickered out or you no longer met each other’s needs. Whatever. Maybe you’re with someone else now who seems to understand you better. Maybe there are things you get from this person that you still want. In this scenario, you probably like your former lover as a person. You still want her or him in your life, just not in a romantic context.

The friend thing, though, doesn’t really work. At least, not right away (and I’m talking years down the road). If you don’t really want the relationship to end, staying friends just puts you in a purgatory, of sorts. You can’t really move on with your life (I know, you don’t want to move on with your life. You want the relationship back) and you can’t deal functionally with the issues that ended the thing in the first place. While it feels horrible to cut off your former mate’s offer of friendship, that’s actually what you need to do. Hatred and bitterness between the two of you isn’t necessary (although you’ll probably feel this at times, if you’ve been left).

If you’ve been left, you need to grieve, to find some understanding of what happened, and move on. (Not suggesting you hurry to find someone, anyone, to replace your loss.) Live your life, even though it may hurt just to breathe during this time. Moving on may feel like you’re giving up, but sometimes it’s necessary and reasonable to give up.

If you’re the one who ended things, for Pete’s sake, let your former mate move on. Hanging on to aspects of a former relationship, either because this is still comfortable for you or because you share kids (excuse) or because you don’t want her to hate you, is selfish. Caring for your former partner means letting go, if you’re not going back into the relationship.

Civil contact to exchange the kids or talk money for the kids’ needs (tuba lessons and orthodontia!) can be done without exchanging personal information. Staying intertwined in each other’s lives is confusing to former mates and to the kids. If you’re splitting up, that means giving up on using one another as a sounding board. If you’re ending the thing, just end it.

Sex between people who’ve broken up usually means you have issues—both personal and relationship—that haven’t been resolved. Don’t keep doing this. If you want sex on the side, get it somewhere else, don’t muddy the waters further. When a relationship ends, you need to stop seeing one another, stop talking, stop texting. Just stop. Get all your stuff and move into another domicile. Don’t call to see how he is.

It’s like the old Paul Simon song Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover says, “Just walk out the back, Jack.”

How To Ruin Your Children

Few people love doing without. We tend to crave comfort and all the accessories that come with that. You want all that and more for your kids. It's natural to want to provide for your children. You love them. You want them not to feel embarrassed in front of their friends. You want to rescue them when they screw up because you want the best for them and because you hurt when they hurt. Sometimes you want to make sure your kids have what you didn't have, whether that’s cool clothes or an intact family.

You want your kids to have everything. No speed bumps allowed. If there’s an obstacle in their way, you want to remove it. They seem so young, so weak and so unable to cope with life alone. They need you. Whether they have a teacher who’s out to get them or a friend who writes ugly things about them on the internet, you generally want to champion your kids in ways you weren’t championed. You want to smooth out the road, as much as you can.

Good intentions...bad result?

Maybe your kids would be better served by learning they can handle the rough spots. In their determination to do the best job, parents can sometimes overlook the opportunities difficult situations offer kids. Is an easy road the best one? Sometimes kids need assistance; sometimes they don't.

Sadly, the news is full of young people who look like they had it all and subsequently made bad—sometimes illegal—choices. Can we say that all their parents were bad? Does the quality of parenting actually determine a child’s experience? If you agree with this, you’re saying individuals don’t really determine their own fate. Does having perfect parents make a perfect kid?

Life isn't always fair. Admittedly, there are far few challenges for the kids born in the states than those born in Darfur. But if you believe individuals are in charge of their own actions, you have to refrain from dealing with your kids as if they are powerless.

Giving kids everything they want—everything you wanted when you were their age—can backfire in a big way. By giving your children everything, you may be robbing them of the hunger to achieve. When a too comfortable life—nice house, nice car, plenty of spending money, parents who rescue them from any tight spot—are offered to individuals who are able to take care of themselves, they tend to stop striving. They coast.

Maybe parents need to value the hunger.

Achievement isn’t fueled by excess or expectation. It’s fueled by hunger. By a determination that can’t be built without figuring how to handle small obstacles. Individuals who find healthy ways to cope with challenge are building a sense of self. I can deal with what comes. In order to reach this level of belief in oneself, individuals must find success. Their own success, not that which is handed to them.

If you want to ruin a child, give her everything she wants, immediately. Hand everything to her and rob her of her own opportunities for achievement. Parents want to argue that their children’s grades in school are an achievement, but if parents nag and nag a child to get those grades, how is that about the kid?

Maybe children need to fail sometimes to learn that failure feels yucky. Giving your child a safe world helps him to grow. Kids deserve life necessities. They don't deserve, however, all the frills just handed to them. But parents must step-back as children grow older. They need less of your protection and insight as the develop more capacities to handle life. You don’t have to be harsh, just don’t rescue them without thinking long and hard about it.

You love you kids. You want them to succeed. If you give them everything and rob them of longing and personal achievement, you may still have a kid who finds a way to feel and be successful. Individuals do have a choice in how they deal with the world—parenting doesn’t determine how children will grow up. But parents have a tremendous power. You can help or hinder.

You are hugely significant to your children. Give them the most important thing—believe in them. Believe they can work through difficult situations. Offer help, but don’t take over. Kids need to sort through some challenges to be aware that they have the power to handle life.

You love your kids. Don’t give them everything.

We're Not Through Killing the Marriage

Some relationships start crappy, others take years to reach this level. The really sad thing is that sometimes individuals don’t want to stop the bad, comfortable habits until it’s too late. Most don’t seek professional help until the next step is calling a lawyer.

If you found your soul mate—or a very close fit—you happily snuggle in and set about building a life together. For some people this means unmarried cohabitation, for others a wedding is involved. In the beginning, you can’t imagine living your life apart from this person. You hurry home to see him or her. Your mate is the first person you turn to for comfort when you’re upset.

Then, you set about killing the relationship. You fail to deal with conflicts or find a way to reach resolution. There are lots of distractions in relationship-land. Jobs, school, kids. Heck, even buying a house or the car you always wanted can be a distraction from the trouble sprouting up in the relationship. If you try hard enough, you can manage to ignore relationship issues until they are large and almost insurmountable.

Love within a relationship is killed in small, daily disappointments. Frustration that builds up like corrosion on exposed metal. You tell yourself that you “got over” being mad; you are sure your mate’s forgotten the argument you had last week. After all, the two of you had sex several days after the big blow up. You’re fine. Everything is back to normal and on we go.

Couples dealing with "small" relationship conflicts frequently fail to recognize the road they’re heading down. Big change in how you talk and interact takes big effort and most people don’t want to make these changes if they don’t absolutely have to. It’s not that big a problem, you tell yourself. But if you have conflicts that come up over and over, you have trouble brewing.

Frequently, individuals will say that the conflicts in their relationship are unsolvable. There’s just no fix to it, they often say. So, they soldier on, disconnecting from the issues that make them mad…and disconnecting from one another.

If this goes on long enough, it can lead to estrangement and even to the kind of physical or emotional infidelity that ends many relationships. Cheating is bad for relationships and bad for you personally, but more people cheat than ever before. This doesn’t happen because you’re just basically a bad person. Even good people find themselves in bad situations. If the conduit of emotional connection between two people in a relationship is clogged, feelings get diverted, like water in a broken pipe. In this kind of situation, your need for warmth and fun, for close emotional connection, can lead you into an involvement with a person to whom you’re not married. You can get into an affair before you realize it.

This is a reality for many relationships, but as much massive damage as an affair can cause, it’s really a symptom of the problems between committed couples. Infidelity doesn’t happen like catching the flu—someone breathes bad “cheating” germs on you and suddenly you’ve got to engage in a mattress tango with someone other than your spouse. Infidelity only happens when the emotional connection between spouses is broken. This kind of break typically occurs when individuals aren’t working through their issues.

Of course, not everyone who's relationship is in trouble cheats, but relationships still die when trouble isn't resolved.

Deal with the conflicts. Talk about what makes you mad. Listen—really hard—to your mate. And if you don’t feel like you’re making progress(actually, BOTH of you need to feel like you’re making progress), get into a therapist’s office and get some lessons on working out the conflicts.

Don’t kill your marriage for the lack of attending to the problems soon enough.

All Hollow

Love parties? Always have a bunch of friends texting you and wanting to go out? Believe it or not, being out-going can leave you at risk.

Extroverted people are comfortable meeting new acquaintances and adapt pretty well to new situations. There’s a downside, though, to being externally focused. Life requires some ability to know your own thoughts and beliefs. If you don’t have access to the internal you, you’re left vulnerable. Being extroverted means you need to work harder to think about what you believe, as opposed to what others believe. You’re really good at knowing what’s popular and what will work with the group in which you socialize. You also need to know yourself…and that can be harder.

Extroverts are prey to some specific fears. You might feel uncomfortable when you’re alone. Some people fear this and will seek others most of the time. This can lead to some fairly pointless interaction and may involve some “relationships” you later regret. It’s good to be able to be alone, even if you don’t prefer it. Every individual goes through time without a healthy partner option. This is just a reality. Accepting a poor fit or a bad partner situation because you don’t have someone else lined up means you’ll do almost anything to keep from being alone. Some will always have the television on or an Ipod going or the radio turned up loud. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with any of these pastimes. It becomes a problem when you’re using external sources of stimuli to block out getting to know yourself.

Alone is not a bad thing.

Some people—surrounded by kids, a mate and family that sometimes intrudes—will say they crave alone-time. Most, however, mean they crave being able to decide what to do with their time, usually, not spent alone. They just want to hang out with who they want to hang out. And who can blame them? The problem with always seeking an external focus is that you might not know yourself very well.

Some extroverts really—when they think about it (and you have to make them think about it)—believe there’s nothing inside of them. They fear they are hollow like a chocolate bunny, yummy on the outside, nothing inside. Some think there’s something inside, but believe themselves to be bad or negative. Some just feel depressed when there’s no external stimuli.

Research indicates that all people grow more introverted (aware of their internal thoughts and feelings) as they get older. We live in a culture that seems determined not to age. But what you do with your wrinkles may not be as important as being able to internalize life’s lessons. It’s good to learn from past mistakes. Being aware of missteps helps keep you from repeating them. Self-awareness is an internal thing.

Think of it as having both an external and internal hard drive—you need to be able to use both.

By all means, make friends. We all need others to populate and amuse our lives. When things get rough, your friends can help you hang on. You also need to spend time getting to know what you need and who you are. Alone is not a disease. Embrace it.