DIVIDED FAMILIES, INHERITANCE WOES

"My sister and I are grown and on our own for fifteen plus years. We have [now] been disowned by our father for the past year. Our mother passed away 7 years ago, [but] just last year her mother passed away. [Our] father became very upset when my mother's portion of the inheritance from our maternal grandparents went to my sister and I. That is when he cut us out of his life. ...he wants us to sign those houses over to him, since he was not named in their will. ...he has gotten himself in a major debt and now he is trying to get us to bail him out."--Estate Confusion

My condolences on the lost of your grandmother and both of your parents--Mom to death and dad to the squabbling over money. The loss of a relative can be hurtful on a number of levels, the most needless is the fighting over assets. Lawyers with estate experience often see blood kin resorting to hostilities over the leftovers when a relative dies. It's just sad.

Money hits us in so many emotional areas--people seek recompense when they feel they've been unloved or loved less. The issue of financial need is often raised--those with less assets often feel they should inherit more than the rest--and like the email above from Estate Confusion, the arguments can deepen into long-term estrangement. There is often a sense of entitlement, either from a family connection or from some action taken. Some people feel owed.

It's enough to make those with money go looking for a charity to whom to leave the financial accumulation of a lifetime.

Emotional issues get played out when it's time to transfer wealth, even when the money doesn't add up to much. Sometimes, wills and the distribution of assets can be an attempt to control the actions of the inheritor. Remember the movies that show an legatee rushing to the alter by a certain deadline in order to inherit?

Estate Confusion indicates that she thinks her dad hasn't made good money choices and he now wants her to rescue him. There's also a hint that she disapproves of his money actions and wants to straighten him out. (Such a normal urge. We all occasionally want to straighten out the ones close to us.)

When these kinds of situations burst forth after the death of a relative, some people just hand over the money to avoid on-going family bitterness, but that usually means they end up feeling bitter, even if they don't talk about it. What everyone needs to realize as quickly as they can is that--beyond taking care of you when you were a child--parents don't owe you anything. Estate Confusion doesn't owe her father the houses that will get him out of financial trouble and she shouldn't be blackmailed into handing them over. But she also has to come to terms with the reality that she has no right to control her dad's actions. Even the really stupid ones.

If she approves of his decisions, will she give him the houses?

Money seems to equal power too often in this world and this is largely why we argue over it. Giving a relative the cash they want(and demand) won't fix the relationship. It won't make everything rosy and you may be left feeling screwed. Sometimes, you just have to accept the limitations in a relationship.

Look at your own actions to make sure you're being as honest with yourself as you can. Listen to trusted individuals(not those who want you to hand over the cash) and learn what you can learn from these conflicts.

But don't think you have to do what others want you to do, just to make peace. Sometimes, there's just no peace to be had.

FAMILY FRUSTRATIONS?

'Tis the season to be jolly...and shop and eat and spend time with family, although that last one may be making you nuts. These are the folks you grew up with and sometimes you want to bash their heads together. Most of us love the people who share our DNA, but that doesn't make the family dynamics easy.

The holidays bring a dilemma: You have time to spend with your family...and you have time to spend with your family. The social expectations at this time of year can be a heavy burden for those with conflicted family interactions or no interaction with family, at all. You're supposed to enjoy Uncle Joe, aren't you? What if he's meddlesome or worse yet, criminal and hurtful?

You don't choose the family into which you're born, and all families are not like the fun television families. Some are loving and wonderful--better than the Huxtables--but some have stilted, boring interactions and some family gatherings actually involve gun fire. Yours may not be this difficult, but it may not be Norman Rockwell, either.

What do you do when going to see relatives is a strain? You could follow the example of the characters in the Reese Witherspoon/Vince Vaughn movie Four Christmases and just go out of town every holiday season. If that's not an option or if you'd be consumed with massive guilt doing this, you're probably feeling like this too must be borne. You just want to get through the season. It's not supposed to be this way, but family interactions can be very difficult. Whether you've got siblings fighting over parents' wills or if a family member molested you when you were a child, family interactions can be hard to handle.

Sometimes you just need to skip it. That may seem harsh and it's probably not what you prefer, but it is important to give yourself this option. Choosing not to go to a family gathering doesn't make you a bad person. You need to do what is best for you, even if others don't understand it.

Sometimes those who feel the most connected, the most supportive, aren't blood relatives. All relationships have nuances and developments through time, but the people you choose to be with need to be the ones who add the most to your life...even if you're not biologically connected to them.

Because of the intimacy of family interactions, they can be complicated. One reader writes "...when will a family stop making assumptions about one another?" The sad answer to that is probably never. In many cultures, being family means a free pass to say what the heck you want, regardless of how this will be received.

You may love one another, but just not get each other's choices. In this case, conversations tend to be tricky and sometimes hurtful. Just because you're family doesn't mean you get to verbally critique one another--not unless this is requested. Even if it is...be careful how you respond. Love without commentary and suggestion can be deeply appreciated. Don't think you ought to be able to tell one another exactly what you think, just because you're in the same family. This can be harmful and not near as much fun as you'd like.

If you have the urge to utter condemning statements to one of your family members, think how you'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Don't think all your choices are golden. If the criticism is open and hurtful, it'll probably go both ways.

If you choose to spend time with your relatives, do your best to convey what you hope for them--that the marriage will be educational, even if you believe it'll end, that you hope they do actually enjoy the career path they're heading down, that you truly pray they'll come to terms with the substance abuse problem that's so obvious to you. Beam love to your loved ones. Life will eventually teach them the hard lessons and point out their failures. You don't need to.

If you're the one on the receiving end of some of these unfortunate comments, just respond with the statement that you know the speaker cares for you and is hoping for the best outcome.

Then, limit your time in the environment and do something fun afterwards. After all, families can be very complicated, even when there's a lot of love.

INFIDELITY DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN

K. from Kentucky is very distressed that he's cheated on his wife with a woman he says he cares for, but not as much as he loves his wife. He's going to confess this to his wife (he doesn't know how or when), but fears this will break them up.

Probably.

Since they don't live together and have had serious trouble in the past, this may end the relationship...and maybe it should.

Sex doesn't just happen. You can't blame it on proximity(we sleeping in the same apartment) or on the wicked wiles of the seductive other person. At some point, you pulled down your pants. You made a decision to be unfaithful. Your committed relationship may have had a ton of problems. You may not have felt loved and cherished. Your mate may have cheated on you first.

You might have been drunk.

All this matters, but the consequences are the same. If you've been unfaithful in a relationship, there's no reason to think you won't do so again or that you've just made a mistake like writing a phone number down incorrectly or giving the cashier a bill of the wrong denomination. Sex is a complicated set of behaviors. You had lots of time to think--even if you weren't thinking clearly.

Cheating involves very powerful emotions and far-from-simple situations. Don't think I don't get that. Even very intelligent and gifted people get themselves into compromising situations and are caught with their shorts down (i.e. Tiger Woods).

When trying to muddle this through, you need to ask yourself--What the heck was going on with me? This is a big question and it includes the state of your committed relationship, as well as, the personal challenges of the cheater. Relationships have an emotional flow, not unlike plumbing. You need to keep things open and, when they get clogged, it can get messy. Bad communication in a relationship leads to blockages. In this case, it's only natural that your interest seeps away and heads in other directions. That doesn't mean it's okay or healthy to cheat.

The cheater also may have issues that lead to the cheating--like using sexual activities to deal with emotions (either to block them or bolster them). For some people, sexual addictions replace healthy emotional connections, either because they've found emotional connections themselves to be too painful or because they don't know how to establish these. Others use sexuality to feel valuable when they don't otherwise believe this about themselves.

You also need to ask yourself What is going on with the committed relationship? Every relationship involves conflict and, if you don't know how to resolve these, you'll drift. No one cheats when they're in a fulfilling, connected relationship.

It may be that personal issues have kept one of you from being able to really invest or you might have struggled to feel close when there was massive unresolved issues hanging between the two of you. It may have felt like you fell out of love with your committed spouse and into love with the new person in your life.

Love doesn't work like that. You only fall out of it when there has been trouble in it.

Infidelity is a choice. You don't catch it from friends like the flu, you make a choice. Try to learn what the situation says about you...what you can learn from it.

Remember: Even really good people sometimes make unhappy choices.

OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIP

Contrary to some opinions, men and women can be friends. Sex can be terrific fun, but that doesn't mean that all possible sexual partners turn you on. Sometimes, you just like another person apart from any interest in seeing him naked.

Men and women can be friends. This doesn't usually work if they just broke up, however, or if one half of the equation hopes to get back together in a romantic involvement. Some people do form workable friendships after they've broken up, but most just shift into a relationship-never-land that doesn't help anyone move forward. Separation--disconnecting all the aspects of couplehood--is a complicated challenge. Trying to shift gears from romantic partnership to friendship takes time.

But what if you've never been more than friends? What if you're with a partner and your friends are just friends. This can be challenging, too, because it can feel threatening to your partner. Particularly when the relationship has issues to resolve and, basically, all relationships have these, at various times.

But if you're an individual who's always felt more comfortable with friends of the opposite sex, it doesn't seem weird at all.

You need to remember that lots of couples were friends before they began a romantic relationship and many individuals say their romantic partner is their best friend. So, the issue gets murky.

If, though, you're genuinely not interested in dating your friend, you need to remember several important aspects of this issue. Secrecy is scary. It conveys significance and line-crossing behavior. Think about things you hide. When there isn't a reason, you don't worry about keeping a secret. If you're not open, your partner will think some thing's going on. Emotional intimacy requires openness. If you're not telling your partner about interactions and/or significant conversations you have with your opposite sex friend, your partner's going to get nervous.

Let your friendship be transparent. Invite your partner to be involved with your friend. Maybe he's not into pool-like you enjoy with your friend--or he doesn't get into horseback riding or rugby. He might not be interested in the activities you enjoy, but talking naturally about what you do and inviting him along, when appropriate, will go a long way to making this a non-issue.

The most important thing you can do to address this issue, though, is to connect more intimately with your partner. The two of you need to maximize your communication and your enjoyment of one another. Then, it's not a big deal if your friend is a guy or a girl.

WHEN TO BE "NICE," WHEN TO BE DIRECT

You're always supposed to be nice...right? That's the message in the Santa Claus song("....He knows when you've been naughty. He knows when you've been nice...") and that's what most mothers tell their kids. Particularly girl children.

But niceness has limitations. Sometimes you need to state the facts and let happen what happens.

NICE

When you're on the phone with customer service...even if you've had a long, frustrating wait or been hung up on several times. Be nice to the person on the other end of the phone. But be direct with the supervisor (this doesn't mean calling names or cursing. Neither will help).

When you're on a busy highway and people are trying to merge politely. Go ahead and let a couple of cars in. Don't, however, let every car in or the drivers behind you will have reason to get mad. Also, drivers who are pushy don't really deserve niceness, but you need to know when to back off. They could be carrying weapons and you don't want to end up on the evening news.

When you're correcting a subordinant. Talk about the action that needs changing, not the person. Sweeping generalizations aren't helpful and won't yield the changes you need. Raising your voice also isn't likely to give you the results you desire. Talk in a level voice. Nice works in this situation, but don't think you have to ignore a problem. This actually isn't kind to your employer, your subordinant or you.

Talking to kids (and others who "don't matter.") This is one of those times when you need to remember that just because a child is less powerful doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some decency. You don't have to suck up to kids. They don't appreciate this either, but do be kind and reasonable...even if you want to scream at them.

DIRECT

When you're breaking up with someone. This isn't the time to talk about all the reasons you like a person or say that you'll always be friends. The "friends" thing is usually just to make you feel better and it isn't reasonable if you're ending the intimate part of your relationship. Be fair and kind. Deal with your own struggle in losing the friend-part of the relationship. If you're breaking up, you need to let the other person go. You may think you're softening the blow, but it actually makes things worse.

When you're reporting a crime. If you've been assaulted by a friend of a friend or hurt by a family member, don't try to make this less horrible than it is. Nice isn't appropriate here. You deserve better.

When you're telling a mate or lover about a problem in the relationship. You may have a urge to sugar-coat or downplay what you're feeling: Don't. One of the saddest parts of a break-up is when one person professes complete unawareness of the problems. Yes, your mate may suck at listening to you, but you have a responsibility to speak up about what's bothering you. Don't think trouble will just go away. It doesn't. It just eats at the foundation of the relationship till you don't like each other anymore. Own your feelings. Don't blame. But say what's bothering you and make sure you're heard.''

Niceness can be helpful, but there are moments you need to say what you're thinking straight out...particularly with the people you love.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE

It is a sad fact that relationships end. Sometimes with no obvious warning and sometimes with lots of break-up/get-back-together phases. Losing an individual who's been very important in your life can be tremendously painful.

If you've struggled through long, hard relationship battles, the end to it all can almost be a relief, but even then, individuals can have a difficult time with loss. The termination can seem so final (with the "we can be friends" issue often muddying the previous committed couple water).

Dissolving relationships hurts, even if the dissolving part has been happening awhile.

We're all involved in heart-close interactions with other people and these require the participation of both parties. It's like a handshake--both have to clasp one another. Parent-child, friends, lovers: all bear some of the same characteristics. In the nature of this is the reality that, while it takes two people to make a relationship, it only takes one person deciding to leave to break up a relationship.

For whatever reason, sometimes people just go away.

The one who clings to the relationship can make adjustments or urge the other to fight more for their connection, but when to leave or whether to leave is an incredibly personal decision. Everyone gets to decide for him or herself. This kind of experience in families, with children at the center of the decision, can be especially painful. Parents struggle with feeling they should stay together for the kids.

Sometimes, though, it's the kids who urge them to separate. On the other hand, sometimes kids want their parents to stay together even if the family life is riddled with conflicts and strife.

K., a 14 year old girl, writes that her mom and dad are always fighting and have almost broken up several times. Each time the girl and her siblings begged them to stay together, despite her father's "moments" of anger and lashing out.

The children in this family feel the need to keep mom and dad together, but this isn't their job. Even though it's very scary to think about parents splitting up, kids can't be responsible for their parents' relationships. They can end up taking sides--aligning with one or the other parent--and functioning as the adults, trying to be peacekeepers.

Not their job. If the parents split, they split, and the kids need to know they can create new lives. They can adjust to the reality of a divorced family. It takes time and parts of it are jarringly painful, but K and her siblings might be happier on the other side.

Human beings need connection. We need also to realize the fragility of this and the cooperativity of it. Sometimes, people who care for each other stick through rough times and come to a better understanding.

Sometimes, they don't.

Hate this, if you want, but don't be crippled by it. Don't hesitate to risk connection. It's vital to your well-being, even if you have pain in the process. Even if the one you love, leaves.

DON'T HIDE PATERNITY

In the last century, parents routinely hid the fact of children being adopted and did everything they could to avoid discovery of this. The reasons for this well-meant deception aren't obvious, but if there was then a stigma attached to the adopted situation, there isn't now. There is, however, a sad reality that not all biological parents choose to be involved in their children's lives. Sometimes they don't even see the kid before disappearing, which has nothing to do with the child's worth and value.

One reader writes "My son is 11 yrs old and for the past year he has been asking me why he looks different than his brothers and if he was adopted. He of course wasn't adopted. But he does have a different father than his brothers. My husband and I began our relationship when he was only 2 and he started calling him Daddy so we just went with it....Can you please give me some advice on how to approach this with my son?"

Yes, you need to tell him the truth, and the sooner the better. You and your husband need to sit down with him and tell him that you were involved with his biological father before you met your husband. Tell him you haven't told him the truth all this time because you didn't know how and because you always wanted him to know that he's a full member of this family. You don't want him to think that his biological origins make him less important to your husband. This is the point at which his dad needs to earnestly express that your son is his son, that he loves him as he loves his other children and can't imagine his life without him.

Tell your son about his biological father now, so he doesn't feel you've lied to his whole childhood.

Then prepare yourself for questions. Your son will ask about his biological father and why he's not in his son's life. He'll ask why you guys broke up. He'll ask if he has any other siblings.

Tell him the truth and don't give into the temptation to sugar coat it. At the same time, don't say ugly things about his biological father. (This may be very tempting. Resist the urge.) If your son asks to meet his father, try to arrange it. If the guy doesn't respond or questions paternity, be careful what you pass on to your son. Keep it simple and factual. Tell your son that when he is a grown-up, he can pursue meeting his biological father, if he wants(always assuming the father doesn't want to meet him now).

The more involved your husband is in this conversation the better. Sometimes, non-biological parents worry that they'll be replaced if the real dad comes into the picture. This isn't the case, but it's a natural fear. If your husband shows any evidence of this, reassure him that parenthood involves being there for the child day in and day out--cleaning up after the child when he's sick and helping him learn to throw a ball. Parenthood isn't about DNA.

Still, secrets about DNA can rob individuals of information that is rightly theirs. Tell your son the truth. When he gets older, he may try to pursue a relationship with his biological father. This isn't a rejection of your husband. Don't freak out about it. Adolescence is a complicated unfolding of personhood. Your son has a right to know.

Your husband will always be his father. Your son will probably eventually get to the place to acknowledge this, even if he has to explore his biological connections first. In the best possibility, your son's biological father may now see the error of his ways and want a small, supporting part in the kid's life. That may not sound good now, but getting child support may be helpful and parenting teens can be challenging.

You may be glad to share the load with a third party. If nothing else, he can help pay for college.