GETTING PROOF

One reader writes, "How do I know my mate is cheating? He tells me I'm imagining things. Maybe he's right. Do I need to sneak around and read his texts to get proof that he's seeing someone else?"

The sad truth is that too many people are cheating. Some estimates suggest that 80% of individuals have or will step out on a committed mate. This may be high, but there's no question that a lot of cheating is going on. If a relationship has big issues, do you need proof that your significant other is stepping out?

With cell phones and texting and on-line hijinks, everyone leaves a trail of everything they do. Finding proof of wrong-doing can be easy, if you need it--but do you need it?

Probably not. If you think things are bad and you have a suspicion of extra-relationship things going on, the two of you need to talk to a therapist. If you see issues in the relationship, you deserve to get these addressed.

Individuals can lie their way out of almost anything, so don't think you just need to confront him about this. Whether cheating a boss by calling in sick when golf is more attractive or cheating on a spouse, deception is easy. In some cases, the lies aren't very good, but when you require proof of misdeeds, you'd better hire a private snoop--or get very good at it yourself.

Needing proof can indicate other things:

You don't have faith in your own sense of the problems in the relationship. This may be indicative of your lack of faith in yourself, in general.

You know there's a real problem, but you hope you're wrong. Sometimes you feel the need of proof when you don't want to accept the reality of the relationship. You're hoping that you're imagining things. (After all, you don't know that he's really cheating. It's not like you have proof.)

You don't like the options you'd have if he were cheating. Sometimes its financially difficult to leave him, so you'd rather be wrong about what you know in your gut. Or you love him very, very much and you think all cheating has to mean a loss of the relationship, so you don't want to know if he's really stepping out on you because you're not ready the get rid of him.

Cheating doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship--and staying if he's cheated doesn't make you a pathetic loser. But cheating is a big indication of problems in the relationship that need to be fixed--both of you deserve this. The cheater isn't just a terrible ogre. The situation is usually much more complicated and deserves a good look.

But you won't get to that point if you dither around looking for him to admit his infidelity. (Why should he?) The need for cast-iron proof or for an admission of guilt can stop the healing.

If you need proof, it's there. Just look for it. If you don't find the evidence of wrong-doing, maybe you need to look at what is happening in the relationship. You're not nuts. Go on that assumption.

FEED THE MARRIAGE

Complacency is the enemy of committed relationships and it's oh, so easy to fall into. Expecting life to go on as it has is understandable, but when you get too comfortable with your marriage, trouble is surely ahead.

Daily life can be consuming and deadening. There are bills to pay, jobs that demand a lot of you and sometimes kids to care for. You get into a routine. Even the "big" moments--birthdays, holidays and anniversaries--can become ho-hum. If you're planning on the usual roses-delivered-to-the-office routine for Valentine's Day, make sure this conveys an emotional significance to your loved one. Don't just follow the regular pattern.

For some, Valentine's Day is a rip-off designed by florists and greeting card companies. It has no real meaning for these folks, but there are many who enjoy a day of showing their caring to the one they love.

Marriage can be a slog, at times, but committed relationships have the power to bring the greatest joy and comfort to individuals. Just don't forget that all relationships require care and feeding. You can't just say "I do" at the alter or move in together and think everything is set. There are two aspects you need to be aware of--resolving the conflicts that arise and conveying your affection daily.

If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, you need to act every day like this person matters to you. How you convey this is up to you, but it's a good idea to ask your loved one what makes him or her feel loved. Don't assume that you know and don't think that what makes you glow is the same thing that works for your partner. You may be a sucker for long walks in the park and greeting cards with sappy love poems, but your mate might express him or herself differently. Ask. This kind of inquiry is never out-of-line and it shows your loving concern for the relationship.

When have you felt most loved by me? At what moment?

Be careful how you ask, though. If your question is challenging, aggressive or resentful, it won't convey love. This must be asked in a spirit of interest. You're trying to find the target, to discover the best way to tell the other person how you feel. Really listen to the answer. Then, incorporate this tidbit into your demonstrations of affection. Remember, your mate probably has very different ways of feeling loved than you do. If the subject is raised in an open manner, your partner will most likely ask you the same thing. You're unique people. You each bring something different to the relationship. Different things are going to convey love to you.

Long-stemmed red roses really bring joy to some people and some individuals want this display on Valentine's Day. If the cliche works for you, say it. Others feel loved when you do other actions--this can be many things. The options are widely varied. You might love roses; he might feel most loved when you go fishing with him.

Regardless of what flips your mate's switch, you need to know it and you need to flip this frequently--not just once or twice a year--if you want to strengthen the relationship. Don't feel like you have to give your mate everything he or she wants(this is real life, after all), but make an effort to do this occasionally.

Don't fall into the assumption that you'll be together always. That's a lovely image, but a bad assumption. You can get too comfortable and forget to tell your beloved that he or she really adds to your life.

Act--every day--like this is the person you want to come home to. There are few guarantees when it comes to relationships. Don't take yours for granted.

PARENTING SCARY TEENS?

A reader says, "Our oldest daughter just turned 17 in October. She has a lot of typical teenage attitudes, but some of this is getting scary. She acts like the entire world owes her everything and she launches into her "Exorcist" mode if she doesn't get whatever she wants. She yells, swears at us, screams at the top of her lungs, and then dares us to hit her. My husband and I are both from abusive homes. I can admit that we have sometimes under-disciplined in fear of over-doing it.... Last night, she got mad because I refused to buy her minutes for a cell phone one of her friends gave her...screaming and yelling...." This question goes on to ask what she can possibly do about an angry kid who follows her through the house berating her for not giving the kid what she wants.

You love your kids, but you may really not like them sometimes. This isn't just you. Most parents don't like their kids, at times.

Reader, you need to ask yourself what's most distressing--your kid's abusive behavior or her being angry with you. If you grew up in an abusive home, you probably have left-overs. You get upset when your kids are angry with you. You want everyone to love everyone and just get along. You don't want to fight and I get that, but parenting involves letting your kids get mad at you. It doesn't mean you have to let them abuse you, however.

Unless yelling and screaming are behaviors everyone in the house engages in, this kid's actions are seriously out of line. As you found out, trying to avoid this kind of confrontation isn't working.

So, here it is--and this is a bitter pill for a loving parent--you need to toughen up with this kid. She's very close to legal adulthood (and has some adult rights, even now). Being on her own is a swiftly-coming reality. She's growing up; it's time for her to grow up. It doesn't sound like she understands you will soon owe her nothing, not even the roof over her head, which is pretty much all you owe her now. You definitely don't owe her minutes on her cell phone. My guess is that you've always tried to give her everything in your power. Loving parents often do this, but the gravy train has to stop.

Where was your husband when she was following you through the house yelling? He needs to jump into confrontations with you. This is when the two of you need to show a united front. Never should only one parent bear the brunt of this kind of crap, unless there's only one parent in the home.

Start by not yelling at your daughter, even when she's tauting you. This can be hard, but comfort yourself by the reminder that you're stiffening your back bone with everything and you're not going to put up with this crap. Don't give her money, even an allowance, as long as she's being a bee-otch with you. If you're ugly to a boss, he'll fire you, not give you a raise! Tell her you love her, but you're not taking anymore ugly behavior. I'm guessing that you've allowed this before because kids usually keep on doing what has worked with their parents. You may have dismissed her mean, demanding behavior by saying she's "just a child," but this kind of stuff gets you no-where good in life--no job, no friends, no boyfriend. She may be just yelling at you now, but it'll spread.

There are teenagers who slip into the dark side no matter what their parents do. Don't tell yourself it's all your fault. But do look at how you're allowing your kids to run over you...even rewarding them for inappropriate behavior. This isn't loving, even though you have this basic motive.

Stick with your guns and batten down the hatches(to mix a few metaphors). Don't give in. Don't ever give in, even if the kid's being nice. Do what's best for your child, even if that isn't comfortable, even if they don't like you much.

You deserve better and if you have to kick them out of the house when they're eighteen (and being ugly to you), do it.

Never forget that you have options. You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior from your kids and you don't have to allow this mess to continue.

BETTER NOT TO KNOW

There's a time in the parenting experience when it's better not to know exactly what they're doing. As your children get older, you have less input into their choices. You don't get to choose who they're dating, what career they're pursuing or how they parent their own children.

You're best not knowing the details of their choices.

You can be an invested, caring parent, but you don't get to guide their actions the way you did when they were younger. They were kids then, and they really needed your guidance. Even if they seem to need it more now, you would be wise to be careful what you try to offer. This can be a dicey place for a parent. Sometimes, you need to love them and yet find a nice, neutral place to be.

You need to not know some things. It's easier on you because when you wade into their situations--bombarded by the results of choices you knew were disastrous--you inevitably want to point out certain things. You may even find yourself uttering the dreaded "I told you so."

This doesn't help your child. It throws up barriers between you because no one wants to hear that, even if you did tell them and you were very right. (Remember when you goofed up? Did you want your parents acting all smug?) But smugness and throwing "I told you so" around are very tempting.

Maintaining some distance helps keep you from getting so torqued off that you have to make unproductive comments.

You raised your kids and you've picked up a few important realizations about them. You also know stuff because you've lived longer and accrued a few bumps and bruises along the way that you'd like to spare your children from having. The sad news is that they don't really want to hear it. Even if he's down and, in a weak moment, he asks you what you really think of the spouse with whom he's fighting. Don't answer this question! At least, not now. What you think isn't going to help your kid make the tough choices ahead. And if he gets back together with her and your opinion slips out of him (and it always does, although he never means it to), you're not going to be in favor with his wife/girlfriend. She's going to really dislike you then.

Being a successful parent to an adult child requires you to step back. This means working on developing your own joy in life--developing your relationships, taking on job challenges that interest you, pursuing the hobbies you never had time for when you were actively raising a family. You deserve this time. Do things for yourself.

By all means, show your love to your child, but this doesn't mean cleaning up after him or telling him what to do. Be interested without offering commentary. Be supportive without offering guidance. This is a challenging position and requires you to find a balance that includes believing in your kid and hoping he cares for himself, without thrusting yourself into his business.

You can give him now one of the greatests gifts--you can believe in him. While this sounds simple and you think you've been doing it all along, believing in him when he's struggling is the hardest is an act of faith. It's a golden gift and it requires you to not be in the swamp with him.

You don't need the stimulation that comes with knowing exactly what he's doing (and not doing) and he doesn't need you breathing down his neck as he tries to negotiate his way through life.

Sometimes, it's better for you both if you don't seek out the details.

MISERABLY MARRIED

Jumping out of a marriage when the going gets rough isn't always the best choice--let's be honest, there are challenging moments in all relationships--but there are a lot a foolish reasons to stay if the marriage is consistently unhappy.

Bad Reason For Staying #1:

The reason most people give for not divorcing(when they want to divorce) is that they're keeping it together for the kids. What's best for your children is a very important consideration, but it's not as simple as it might seem. Your kids may get upset at the thought of you divorcing (and may have even begged you to promise that the two of you will never split up). That doesn't mean the marriage is not toxic for them. Consider this--the marriage and all it contains are the foundation for the family. If you two can't resolve your issues, it isn't good for anyone. If this marriage isn't good for you, it can't really be good for them. We're all connected. Think how you're effected by their troubles.

Financial considerations are usually involved when you think about divorce. Your style of living will probably change if you don't stay married, but unless divorce means no food in the kitchen, your children are still better off with you doing what you need to do. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage so your kids can "have the good things." Nice houses, nice clothes, nice cars--none of these make for a happy life. Kids who were raised with these falter all the time. Don't get confused about what your children need.

Staying in the marriage might not be the best choice, but learn what you need to learn when you leave. Divorce doesn't automatically make you happy, either.

Bad Reason for Staying #2

Believe it or not, there are still people who've grown up without divorce in their families. These individuals are generally proud of this and don't want to be the first in the family to divorce. While divorce can be a sad reality, the option to end a marriage hasn't always been available. Divorce has also been a social and financial negative for women historically. There are reasons--other than love--why grandparents and great-grandparents stayed together. Of course, there a marriages that endure because they are tremendously enriching. This is a great reason to stay married--even through the miserable moments--but staying when you're unhappy and can't get happy together is now a freedom you have.

Bad Reason for Staying #3

Some people struggle with the reality that it takes two to make a marriage. They feel a divorce is a personal failure when one person alone can't make a marriage strong. Some people stay in truly miserable, harmful relationships because they don't want to admit to defeat. Failure doesn't feel good, but (as discussed in other columns) it is a reality in life. Failure can help us learn if we resist the urge to beat ourselves over failure and work at objectively studying it. Relationships need to work; to benefit those in them. Some stay to acknowledging that the marriage isn't working.

If you're miserable in your marriage, there's work to be done. Whether you're staying in a bad situation because you don't want to prove others right (the ones who never thought it would work) or you're staying because you're afraid you'll never find anyone better, if you're miserable leaving might be your best option.

Don't be miserable in your marriage.

THE WRONGNESS OF BEING RIGHT

Let's all admit it--we love being right. It just feels good. But this is one feel-good situation that can have ugly side effects. There naturally are conflicts in relationships, disagreements that can be trivial or bitter or both.

You have different view points, different religions, different opinions of Obama. Whatever. You need to realize, though, that hammering the other person with your take on things leaves her feeling, well, hammered. As in beaten down. While saying "I told you so" when her candidate or her boyfriend(who you never liked) falters, can feel great, it doesn't warm her up to you.

Look at it this way--if you're always right, that means she's always wrong. Why would she like you? Why would she want to be around you?

It can be challenging when those close to you are making choices you believe are unhealthy, whether this means eating badly and never exercising or marrying the wrong guy. The urge to straighten out the other person can be almost overwhelming. After all, doesn't friendship/blood relationship/motherhood give you the right to tell them like it is(according to you)?

Not without consequences.

If you insist that you're always right, others will soon find you toxic. You may attract a kind of individual who initially likes you ploughing ahead and taking charge, but this uneven relationship is doomed to fail. There's nothing healthy in always being the powerful, bossy person. It's exhilarating at first, but carrying others soon gets to be burdensome.

Remember that we all have mistaken moments--times when we goof up. It's in the nature of being human that we fail. We learn through failing, but if you're heavily invested in taking charge of all situations and all relationships, you can't allow this. You can't tolerate screwing up and you certainly can't learn from it.

It's unavoidable that you'll be wrong sometimes. You're probably acutely aware of those moments and may do whatever you can to hide your own flaws. Instead, you need to embrace them. Accept that you mess up and acknowledge this to the ones closest to you. Acknowledge when you make mistakes with them. Invite their feedback and suggestions. Believe it or not, this makes you more personally powerful.

Work hard on listening to others. They'll give you ideas about where you can best focus your energy and they'll think the better of you for not always needing them to be wrong.

RECYCLED KIDS

Therapists who work with the kids in the foster system try to help these children realize they've done nothing to deserve being there--they aren't foster children because they're bad or because they've done bad things. They've just had incredibly bad luck.

In an age when couples spend tens of thousands of dollars to conceive or to adopt newborn babies, the older child is often not considered. The foster system is bulging with children whose birth parents have in some way failed to provide for them or failed to protect them from harm.

Many of these children have suffered abuse, as well as, neglect. They need to be loved.

They have issues. We all have issues, but it's a reality that kids in the foster system can be difficult to deal with. It isn't fair to them to romanticize this or to deny it. Many struggle with a fear of--and a determination not to--attach to others. Bad things have happened to them before, too often out of an "attached" or family relationship.

Still, these kids are worth recycling. In fact, they are the ultimate in recycled goods. Some kids are damaged, seemingly beyond repair. Some seem surprisingly okay. All are in need and aren't the rest of us? Adults who want to become parents always take a risk--they never know what they'll get. Just as parents of so-called natural children. The outcome of parenting is always a mixed bag. Nothing can be more rewarding and nothing more heart-breaking.

If you're looking to do some parenting, consider the recycled foster child. But don't do this lightly or without serious consideration. These kids don't need more heartache and disappointment.