IMPLICIT LESSONS -- DON'T NAG

Don't nag. Most lessons in life come from us getting the natural consequences of our choices. Even though pointing out the bad choice or ugly behavior is very, very tempting, it doesn't help. As parents, we have a tendency to talk and talk to our kids, making sure they understand the errors of their ways. We say, "See? This was bad for you. See?" Whether they've fallen off their skateboard after a wild manuever or just gotten dumped by the boyfriend who we knew from the start was a jerk--we just can't resist saying that we told them so. This was a bad situation and they should have listened to us.

We even do this to spouses. Who hasn't had given into the urge to point out to a husband or wife that we were right? Being right gives a darned good feeling to the person who's right, but leaves a bad taste in the other person's mouth. We certainly know what it feels like to be wrong, so we revel in saying See? See? I told you so!

Choices bring consequences, either good or bad. Pleasant or unpleasant. Going to work may suck, but you get a paycheck (even if it's not big enough). Consequences. The outcome of what you did or didn't do. These help us decide whether or not to make that choice again.

But when we do a victory dance over someone else's ugly consequences, we're actually becoming a distraction to their lesson. We take away some of the consequences power because we pull the other person's attention away from the results of what they've chosen onto ourselves. They hate us being right!

Children are much more likely to remember their parents getting mad than they are to remember why their parents got upset with them. They remember your angry lecture, but forget the stupid, risky choice they made that earned them the lecture.

They remember you--and not in a good way--and forget that their actions didn't really work for them. Let the lesson speak for itself. You might want to underscore what needs to be learned, just in case they weren't paying attention. You probably also want to make sure they don't go down this painful path again.

Sometimes you nag because you care. It just doesn't work. Doesn't help children learn; doesn't help them know you care.

When they make bad choices and get the natural results of these, just tell them you love them. Give them a kind, but sad smile because they're suffering and you love them.

Do the hard thing. Acknowledge their experience, but don't nag. It's hard, but you're a parent and you do hard things all the time.

FRIENDLY FIRE--WHEN YOUR MATE CHEATS

A reader in the military writes:

"I am currently deployed to Afghanistan and my husband is deployed to Iraq. I received an email yesterday from him stating that he has a six month old son. We have only been married for 12 months. He said it happened before we got married, but we have a 10 month old daughter together. I'm really confused and I need some help.... This is very depressing. I haven't been able to sleep at all. I know that I really love my husband and I want to fight for our marriage, but where do I begin? What should I do?"

He's the one who needs to do something. You guys had been married six months when his other child was born? And he didn't mention this to you at the time? Of course, he might not have known about the birth until recently, but even so, something isn't right here.

With the timing you mention, your husband had to be having sex with another woman during the time he was having sex with you. There are lots of issues involved in this situation. Were the two of you in a supposedly-monogomous relationship at the time? If so, he betrayed that commitment when he got it on with the other woman. You're in a rough situation already--in the military in a war zone--and now you are struggling with this betrayal.

The decision to work on a relationship or to leave is faced by a lot of women and this is why I wrote my recently released book "Should I Leave Him?" In the book, I help take the reader through a step-by-step decision process.

Let me say right up front that his infidelity is not your fault. This may seem obvious to some, but the cheated-on mate frequently wonders if she or he didn't do something, or didn't do it right or good enough--and therefore pushed the other mate into stepping out on her. No. Not your fault. No matter what you did or didn't do. Your husband made the decision to get involved in a sexual relationship with someone other than you. His choice.

Acknowledge your anger with him. It's very, very reasonable, even if you don't feel particularly reasonable right now.

You want to fight for the marriage and are wondering what to do, but the first question has to be directed to your husband: Does he want this marriage? The relationship can only be repaired if both individuals are willing to work on it and then he has to be honest with you about his involvment with the other woman. He can't just say "It happened before we were married." Sex doesn't just happen. Pants were unzipped.

If he wants the relationship and is willing to acknowledge his own bad behavior, then you can begin to repair your trust. This is really difficult to do even when you're in the same house and you two aren't in the same country. It's very understandable that you'd have fears that he's being unfaithful now.

It's a general reality that infidelity doesn't happen in a marriage when everything is great. (Still not blaming you for his actions.) The problems that existed between you two before the marriage have to be resolved before you can move forward with any hope that cheating won't happen again.

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Confidential to S.B.--Yes, you can benefit from Couples Counseling. Actually from the sounds of things, you really, really need it.

MOM BETRAYAL? OR BAD DECISIONS ALL AROUND

One reader writes that she's having trouble because she found out that her mom slept with her guy:

"I'm a 21 year old female. I haven't had a very good relationship with my mother over the last year and I'm having a very hard time with that because we've been close all my life. The event that caused this situation is me finding out that my mother had sex with my child's father before I got pregnant. I was never informed of this (although I have reasons to believe it's true). He and I are not together since the birth of our child. I found out about this last year and I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. Is this an issue I could get help with? I don't know what to do."

I've got a lot of questions for this reader. Did you know before you got involved with this baby daddy that he'd dated your mother? Did your mother know that you later dated him, too? Were you both duped by a fickle guy? Or did your mom have sex with your high school sweetheart?

Given the fact that you've been estranged from mom--who you were previously close too--I'm gonna guess that you feel betrayed by her. This assumes that you've decided that the ex-boyfriend is a cheating 'ho and his betrayal of you is more understandable/acceptable than hers.

Let's just accept that you're more effected by mom's betrayal than by the former boyfriend's because it's clear that both of them were in on this. Neither one told you that they'd had sex previously and so both are guilty of deceit. But you clearly thought better of your mom. I'm curious if you've talked to her about all this. If she had sex with a guy she knew you were involved with or trying to get involved with, she betrayed you. No question.

I can only guess why and maybe that's not your biggest concern. You mention that you can't get over it and indicate that you want to. I'm sorry, but just shrugging your shoulders and telling yourself whatever isn't going to do it. You trusted your mom and she turned on you. It's not only unreasonable to not care about this, it's unwise. If you have someone in your life that stabs you in the back by getting with your boyfriend, you need to know this. Even if it's mom, who you've love since infancy.

Betrayal by a loved one is very hurtful, but it isn't smart to just dismiss this. Forgiveness is a great concept to enable you to move on. Just don't think you should adopt this method to wipe the slate clean between you and someone of former significance.

Forgiveness needs to be asked for before it can heal a relationship. It also has to be accompanied by appropriate groveling.

The other guy has to be really, really sorry and to see why she did what she did. You also need some certainty (usually gained over time) that the betraying infraction won't happen again. Otherwise, forgiveness becomes a shrug. Whatever.

Mess with me. Lie to me. Screw me over. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to hold it against you.

Isn't behavior supposed to have consequences? How else do we learn what works and doesn't work? So, even though you sound like you want to regain the closeness you have previously with mom, I'm not sure that's in your best interest. All that being said, it doesn't do you any good to brood over this. Accept it as it is and your mom for who she is. I'm not recommending forgetting, but dwelling on it doesn't help you.

As for the baby daddy, he sounds like a dog and you'd be smart not to trust him farther than you can throw him. You've got a child now: Let's assume it's a girl. Would you want her treated like this? If your baby is a son, would you want him to do this to a girl he dates?

Life without a biological mom can be sad and painful, but this mom is bringing a whole new level of pain. You can do better without her.

IS SEX AN ADDICTION?

Don't feel alone--lots of folks are dealing with this problem. Whether this involves mainly an addiction to pornography or you've progressed to the point of meeting strangers for quick hook-ups, sex addiction can take a huge toll. It interferes with real personal relationships and can take over your life.

Recent research indicates some new and troubling consequences to some of this behavior. And this is ironic in a really bad way. Those individuals who use pornography can get caught up in the "no risk" aspects of viewing stimulating material and...as a result experience a diminished sexual capacity. This is actually a result of the no risk/no effort part of pornography. You get a sexual stimulation that has nothing to do with the risks involved in an actual relationship.

It turns out that reward and fulfillment are actually linked to risk and effort.

Let's be honest: relationships are challenging and loving another person puts us in a vulnerable place. We are very emotionally affected by what happens to--and what choices are made by--the one we love. Connection brings vulnerability.

Of course, it brings a lot of other good things, too.

With the sense of vulnerability and little relationship success can come a desire to avoid actual interaction with another human being. Your own version of the blow-up doll. People can just decide to go with the porn in an attempt to avoid troublesome interactions with others.

This avoidance can have some bizarre and unexpected consequences, however. Individuals choosing porn over persons can actually experience a diminished sexual capacity. Further research will have to be done on this phenomena, but think of the risks if it's true....

Can sex addiction lead to a loss of sexual function?

Of course, some folks question using the term "addiction" with sexual behavior. Alcohol has a physical addictive pattern. People can even be genetically predisposed to this kind of addiction. Unhealthy sexual behavior, though, can range from individuals engaging in irresponsible acts to people who's lives are taken over by an abnormal focus on sex. There's a range. Like many unhealthy behaviors, most people don't engage in this to the level of an addiction. Some do.

It's all about responsibility and self-control. With the term "addiction" is an assumption of the individual having no control over engaging in this particular act. Of course there are addiction specialists who disagree. Even AA presents the individual as able to choose not to engage in the addictive behavior.

Whether or not Tiger Woods was addicted to his extra-marital playmates, his marriage is likely over. Few of us can over look betrayal and particularly betrayal on this level. Addiction. Not addiction. Actions yield results and those consequences can sometimes be very painful.

Some choices have bigger consequences whether or not you call it addiction.

NO TOUCHING? NO TALK? NO SEX?

These may not be unconnected. Except for the most disconnected individuals, sex is about intimacy. If you've got an established relationship, you can jump into sex directly and intimacy follows, but this isn't typically how it works. Most of us need some level of emotional intimacy before things get physical. Even individuals who jump into sex with newly-met dates will usually talk about relationship assumptions they've jumped to. This isn't true for everyone, but most people need to at least like their sex partners and need to feel cared for by them.

So what if you're in a relationship and things have been strained awhile. It doesn't occur to you to touch one another--maybe a standard peck on the cheek upon leaving. Maybe not even that. If the two of you aren't exchanging some form of intimacy, there's trouble in paradise.

Intimacy comes in many formats. Some people really need to be held. Some need a good date night. Some need enthusiastic sex. Most of us want some version of all three, but we usually have certain behaviors that indicate connection to us.

If your relationship doesn't have much talking/touching/sex, you may be dealing with a widening gulf. This needs to get your attention, but don't let yourself get too freaked out. Disconnection in a relationship doesn't have to mean that the end is near. You need to get to work figuring out the problems, but struggling to feel close to a partner doesn necessarily mean that the relationship is over.

So, how do you fix disconnection in a relationship? It may seem counter-intuitive, but you have to deal with the conflicts and issues that sit between the two of you. Resolution isn't as easy as just not talking about it. That usually means the problems have just gone underground. It's important to note that conflict that sits in the dark, usually gains strength. You need to deal with it, the trouble spots or they'll split the foundation of the relationship.

When issues are left unaddressed, they rot the relationship, leading to the disconnection and hurt feelings that leave you wide open to infidelity and breaches that don't heal easily.

I'm not saying that resolution of relationship conflicts is easy. You've probably argued about these many times. You may have done the "agree to disagree" thing, hoping to stop fighting with the one you love. But this doesn't settle matters.

The only way to address disconnection in a relationship is to learn to listen to your mate's perspective--even when you disagree, even when her comments make your blood boil, even when she's so, so wrong. Listen. Don't try to straighten her out. Don't defend yourself. Pretend you're a court reporter and you have to get a complete transcript of what she's saying--hear her. Then, repeat back to her what you hear. If she disagrees, saying you didn't get what she meant, ask her to clarify.

When you can tell her what she's said to you, take a deep breath and tell her how you see things.

It's much more likely that you'll be understood if you don't swear at her or name-call. These can trigger defenses and make it very difficult to move forward. When you've finished talking about your point of view--don't lecture or repeat this too much, just say it--you get to ask her what she heard you saying.

This may all seem very simple and even ridiculous, but it's hard to do when you have matters unsettled between the two of you.

When the two of you aren't touching, aren't talking and aren't having sex, there's trouble between you. Take a good, hard look at it and you just may have a chance to fix the problem.

REJECTION SUCKS...BUT ITS SURVIVABLE

First a response to someone who solicited it:

S. writes "I'm a 30 year-old Muslim, married a month ago. I saw my wife only one time and, at that time, I was satisfied with her, but then I got her photo and I wasn't fully satisfied when I saw it. I informed my parents I was forced into marriage by them. My problem is that after the marriage, I am not satisfied with her appearance.... I am thinking about divorce. Please help me."--Unhappy in Arranged Marriage

How you handle this has to do with what you want out of the marriage. Your cultural background has viewed marriage as a contract within which you raise children and deal together with whatever comes in life. On the other hand, the romantic view of marriage sees the commitment as a source of physical and emotional connection. You may be torn between these two. Whichever angle you come from, it's good to find your mate sexually attractive.

Your dislike of your wife may have to do with feeling forced into the union. Feeling forced isn't typically a great aphrodesiac. It doesn't usually make you want to get your groove on, even if the wife chosen is a hottie.

Maybe your struggle with this has to do with your relationship with your parents and a dislike of them always telling you what to do. This kind of conflict again can stem from clashing cultures. Some cultures have long believed that parents are the best judges of the mates for their children. Other cultures, however, really stress the need for individual choice (Don't think the parents in these cultures always agree with their children's choice of mate, though!)

You may also not want to disappoint your parents. In the culture you come from parents tend to be seen as individuals who are deserving respect and who know best because they have lived longer than you. Whatever angle of the conflict you come from it is important to sort out your experience before you take major action.

I don't think a decision as major as divorce should be made quickly. You're probably still getting to know your mate and you're certainly still adjusting to the married state. Take a little while and ponder this before deciding what you do. Remember, many happy marriages involve less than physically beautiful people and still include really hot sex. Very physically attractive people aren't always the nicest people, either. Looks aren't everything.

If you do divorce her, your wife may want to read the following...

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Rejection is tough and can't be totally avoided in life. You can try, but chances are that you're going to bump into people who don't like you. Or you might have a lover who decides he doesn't love you, after all.

This never feels good and usually hurts a ton. Even if you're mad at the rejector, you still don't like people treating you as if you don't matter. It's important, though, that you take a hard, somewhat objective look at the situation.

It may not be about you, at all.

Whether you've asked a great guy out on a date and he says no or you've applied for a job and didn't get it, you need to see that there's more to these situations than your worth. Usually lots more. The great guy might have gotten back with his ex, may have decided to enter the priesthood or may just not feel all that into you. Even the last doesn't mean you're not really attractive to a bunch of other people. Dating connections have to do with many, many factors, as do job hiring and firing.

It may not be about you.

Of course, it may actually be partially about some aspect of you, which is the learning part of rejection(still sucking, of course). The learning part is what you can take out of the situation. Striving to be objective is imperative here. If your breath is bad (this could be part of the reason why the great guy decided to go elsewhere), you need to know. If you didn't get the job, there may be an area of training that you need to fill a gap in your knowledge--you need to know this, too.

Rejection feels really bad, but it can have a upside. You'll hopefully not seek it out, but you can usually learn from it.

GIVING HIM UP...

Responding first to readers have asked for help:

"I am a 22 year old single mother and I have a two year old son. I was not ready for my son when I became pregnant. I love my son a lot, but lately I have not been able to deal with all the whining that he's been doing. He whines about every little thing and, due to the other stresses that I have no job, no money, I just can't take it anymore. I'm to the point that I want to give him up for adoption. I have no more patience left. How do I deal with all of this." B.T.

First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. Young children are very demanding--a sentiment you don't find on Mother's Day cards. There are programs that attempt to help young parents deal with the stresses, but that doesn't seem to be what you wrote about.

Adoption is a very loving option. Never doubt this. There's a lot of publicity about teens who keep their newborns and this is an option, but it's not for everyone. Raising a child demands a lot. It can limit your educational and financial possibilities and make you feel crazy. Even more mature parents feel like doing harm to kids--hopefully they don't, but they feel like it.

Whether or not you terminate a pregnancy, give your child up for adoption or keep it and try to move forward is a very, very personal choice. Don't let other voices try to steer you in a certain direction. This is something you get to--and have to--decide. Kids deserve loving care. If you're still a kid yourself, it's hard to give this to an infant.

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"A concerned friend of my teen daughter forwarded to me a text message she received from my daughter today. In the text message, my daughter indicates she can't take any more and today will be the last day she sees her. The source of the problem...rumors and some "just plain mean" girls at the school. This is not the first time this has happened.... My daughter has...unrealistic (maybe) expectations of others. For her, it's 100% loyalty no matter what. I have been very worried about her for a while, but not to the extent of forging a suicide watch. She can be...dramatic at times, but never made a statement like that before.... Is she serious? Is she just being dramatic and seeking attention? In the past, I have tried to fix things for her, but usually I just make it worse. How do you know how hard to push someone who could be fragile to the point of suicide? I just don't know how to help my daughter and I don't want to lose her." K.C.

First off, never take this lightly.

Teen suicide is a particularly tragic choice. The challenges facing these kids often seem small when viewed from a larger perspective. My recommendation is to get the kid to a therapist immediately. If she'll talk with the counselor, she'll find new ways to deal with the mean kids and a bigger picture of her future.

If you don't have insurance that provides mental health benefits, look for therapists who offer a sliding scale. Many professionals set aside some part of their practice to people with limited incomes. People in the counseling professions are generally very caring.

Look for help. You don't have to handle this scary moment by yourself.

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Just a word about conflict in relationships. Don't think this has to be ugly. You need to work through the issues, but that doesn't have to involve hitting or screaming at one another. There will be anger--that's a given. You get angry when you don't feel listened to and he gets mad when he thinks you're not listening to him.

Conflict resolution involves you struggling to see his point of view. This can be very difficult and you'll want to argue because he's got it so wrong. Don't. Don't rush in to challenge his perspective or restate yours. Just listen--even when he's got it all wrong. Then repeat what he's saying back to him to make sure you heard him. After this, after you've heard his side of things, you get to talk about how you see it.

You have to listen though. Don't allow yourself to be rehearsing your rebuttal while he's talking.