SIBLING RUPTURE

Sibling relationships can go one of two ways--you can be stuck like glue to one another or feel as disconnected as scattered Legos. The home you grow up in has a big, big impact on this, but not necessarily in a specific direction. Children who grow up in terrible situations sometimes cling together as if they're bonded by Super-Glue. The opposite can be true, too. Horrible situations can pit children against one another and traumatize them in ways that make sibling connections deeply complicated.

To some individuals, sibling divisions are very troubling. They lose sleep over this, struggling to find ways to make the connection whole again. Others--for reasons that are unclear--never really make a connection in the first place.

It's hard to fathom the side you didn't grow up in. The very-connected siblings cannot understand the very-disconnected siblings and vice versa.

Sometimes siblings just choose very different lives and cannot bridge the gap or do not care to bridge it. Values separate individuals who share DNA just as they separate us all. If on the other hand, you have valued your sibling and now find that something divides you, careful examination is called for. Look at your own actions--at yourself. It's too easy to see what the other person should have done(or not done). The harder thing and the more valuable question is to ask yourself what you've contributed to the problems.

Sometimes parents--their last years, their demises or their wills--break open a fissure in sibling relationships. Sometimes, parents work very hard to bring siblings together to no avail. Parents have an impact, but the siblings get to decide how their relationships will be resolved.

Parent involvement in this situation can go either way or be totally irrelevant. (I think of the two, I'd rather be part of the problem. At least if you're part of the problem, you can work to fix your part of the mess. When the mess is nothing of your doing, there's not much you can change to make it better.)

The most important thing siblings can do, however, is that same loving act we can offer to all--respect the other person. Oh, I know that some choices made by others are deeply repugnant and leave you not wanting to associate with them. But most people aren't Dexter--and even he has a value system although very twisted. Most of us are seeking validation that means something to us. Pretty simple, really. What we value isn't necessarily what our neighbors value. Some people really respect the highly-educated. Others think education is a waste of time and money and value something different like wealth.

We want different things and sometimes different lives from our siblings.

The point is that barring those values that incorporate murder and mayhem, most of us are just trying to create lives that matter. If your siblings choose very, very different paths--different religions or no religion at all--acknowledge that person's right to seek that which is valuable. The trouble is that we too often view different as some kind of judgement about our own choices. Whether you're seeking a life in a seminary or you love the thrust-and-parry of the business world, someone else choosing a different life doesn't mean they think you're wrong in your choices.

Your siblings might have messed up pretty badly, but just as in other relationships, you can't change other individuals' choices or behaviors--only your own. If you have a ruptured relationship with a sibling, do your best to work on you and accept him/her.

Both can be hard.

MY TEACHER FROM THE PAST

I was always a drifty kid, prone to flashes of intelligence, but I was really bad at finishing my work. At least, that's how I remember it and, honestly, I don't remember a lot. The names of classmates, even as recently as college, are lost to me, mostly because I've always been pretty introverted and didn't know how to interact with the world.

And the past isn't greatly important to me. (Sorry FaceBook aficianadoes who avidly look for elementary schoolmates whose names they remember.)

I've forgotten most of my classmates and all but a few teachers. I have great respect for the teaching profession, not because anyone in particular took an interest in me and guided me toward my eventual field of focus, but because I've come to see this as important, hard work--teaching.

I saw this most clearly as I witnessed the folks who guided my children's footsteps at various points in academia, particularly the early teachers--the ones who gave them a foundation and helped them learn personal responsibility for school work. My children are both better scholars than I ever thought to be and I attribute this to their early teachers. They've had some great (and no so great) teachers through high school and college. Some of which were very helpful and important and some of which stunk.

As do many of us, I have a teacher who impacted me negatively and who left me cringing. I was too much of a pansy to even cause this woman any trouble in class. Ironically, this was an English teacher and I've forgotten her name, not because of my classroom trauma, but just because I don't focus a lot on the past. At least not the details, like her name. I remember the incident in which my teacher humiliated me, though. I remember it this way probably because I was a wuss. I should have blown her off or given her classroom-hell, not groveled in my skin.

I think she was stupid in what she said--an English teacher--who when walking the aisle between the desks before class, chose to criticize scornfully my choice of reading material. Yep, I had a book lying on my desk. Not a piece of classic literature, but a frothy light read. She felt it necessary to criticize this in front of my classmates. She was openly scornful. Now, you might wonder at why an English teacher didn't fall to her knees at this evidence, thankful that a high school student was reading for pleasure, but no. This wasn't her response and, at this point, I pity her--yes, a little scornfully--but I think she really missed an opportunity and I feel sad for her.

I continue to read all kinds of things for pleasure, but she lost me in that moment. (I'll bet that I now have a better vocabulary than does she.)

Like I said, I have a great respect for teachers. They work harder than we know, they deal with kids who're irritating and with parents who make them want to pull their hair out. They see the neglected kids and confiscate random electronics from the entitled kids.

Not an easy profession--teaching--but an extremely important one.

Now, to my other remembered teacher. Again, I don't have a clue what his name is. "Mr. Something-Or-Other." But this guy had a profound effect on me. I was part of the great experiment in the early seventies--one of many students who went to a new school with an Open Classroom format. Now, don't think I'm advocating for closed classrooms and ankle monitors for students, but this Open Classroom format allowed my sixth grade self to easily sneak away from my class. Which I did on a regular basis.

I spent many an hour in the girls' rest room giggling and talking with friends.

Toward the end of the school year, however, I had a day of reckoning. My male teacher sat me down and told me that, if I didn't finish the work I'd been neglecting, I wouldn't move on to seventh grade. Now, mind you, my academic goal has always been to get out of school. I was smart enough to know that failing a grade wasn't going to help this.

What I really respected about this teacher who's name I don't remember is that he stated the situation simply and directly. He didn't yell at me, didn't say I was stupid, didn't threaten to call my parents--he just told me the consequences of my choices. Do the work and pass. Don't do the work and repeat sixth grade,

I finished the work and passed.

He did me a big favor, that teacher and I've thought of him many times. I wish I remembered his name, so I could thank him personally, but I don't. In many ways, I'm an idiot. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell those of you who dedicate your lives doing something I'd never do--Thank You. Thank you, Mr. Name-I-Can't-Remember-Teacher.

Thank you for leveling with me. For talking to me like I had a brain and could use it.

You made a difference in my life, even if I can't remember your name. Good karma is being sent your way and has been all the way through my grad school degrees. I appreciate you. I just hope you feel appreciated.

You made a big difference in one kid's life. I hope yours is good.

STEP-PARENT MISTAKE

Blending two families is a major task and there are pitfalls, but the biggest is when parents want their chosen mate to act as their children's father/mother. You as a parent get to decide if you're going to divorce. You also choose who you date or marry, but you can't make your kids love the same person you love. It's not automatic, no matter how many good qualities you think your chosen partner has or how many bad qualities your ex has.

First off, kids have to deal with the loyalty factor. No matter how bad a parent you think your ex is, he or she is still the biological parent. As such, your kid probably feels a strong loyalty to your ex, particularly with you now dating a newcomer (or worse yet, your kid's best friend's father or your kid's teacher). Even if your ex doesn't pay child support or regularly visit with your kid, the kids still going to feel the loyalty.

Don't try to fight this and don't try to tell the child the truth about your ex. It won't work and your child will just think you're making stuff up. (They have to make up their own minds their parents--you, too.)

So, what to do? If there's no way in hell that you could ever see yourself reconciling with the ex, now what? If you're not okay with taking a vow of celibacy for the rest of your life, you're going to have to deal the a step-parent situation.

Rule One--don't ask your new mate to be a parent to your kids. He/she isn't responsible to make sure the kids do their chores and should be giving out punishment. This isn't fair to either of them. Even if they got along okay with the girlfriend/boyfriend in the beginning, the kids aren't necessarily going to be happy about someone who isn't their parent telling them what to do. Kids are told what to do all the time. They're not happy about having someone new telling them to clean up their rooms.

This scenario isn't good for the step-parent, either. It puts them in the role of the bad-guy and keeps them there.

Rule Two--don't ask your kids to act like this is their biological parent. Just because you fell in love and decided to share your bed with someone new, don't expect them to fall for him/her, too. Even if the actual biological parent sucks, don't think you can just pick a different one now.

So, how do you step-parent? Who gets to decide how you're all going to live together?

Set up a two-level approach: There should be basic house rules that apply to everyone. That means his kids, your kids and, yes, even you adults have to abide by the rules. Things like--if you drop it, pick it up; if you mess it up, clean it up. Basic rules. Clean up your own area, pick up your own towels from the bathroom floor and never bring home a pet without talking about it.

These basic rules are enforced by both adults in the home--kind of a universal thing--but be careful that these apply to everyone. You and your mate have to follow these rules, as do visiting children from either/both spouses' previous relationship. Be fair, don't play favorites. It never works to have two sets of rules...if anyone is expected to clean up after themselves, then everyone does. In particular, don't start applying the rules to one kid, but not another. Or think you're exempt because you're the adult.

Everyone follows the basic rules.

Specific kid situations, however, should be handled by the biological parent. Any consistent issues or problem areas that involve illegal activities are the areas in which the real parent needs to step in.

There are two ways in which this structure is breeched--sadly both of the biggest infractions are made by the adults. If one of you needs to have the validation of being a "parent" and feel you should be obeyed at all times by kids to whom you were insignificant before, then you'll have a problem and the kids will resent you. Try to remember--I'm not the kids' parent, no reason why they should act like I'm important to them.

Truthfully, kids don't always act like their biological parents should have a say-so, why should they give you the time of day?

Problems can also come from childrens' biological parents (who've felt all alone in parenting and overwhelmed) wanting their new romantic partners to step-up and take some of the parenting load. They want the step-parent to make the kids behave and do their chores. They tell them to "be my kid's parent." Single parenting is very difficult. Heck, parenting with two parents is stressful, at times, but co-opting a step-parent to do the job for you just leads to problems.

Your mate feels thrust in the middle of an unwinnable war and your kids feel betrayed.

Wanting to blend your families is an understandable desire. You just want everyone to get along and, if you came through a challenging, difficult earlier marriage/relationship, you probably want happiness and peace now. Who doesn't?

But you have to allow your kids and your mate to get to know each other and when we're talking about the intimacy of parent, this can take quite awhile. Don't think you can thrust intimacy on to everyone and don't think you get to decide who either your kids or your mate is supposed to love. Kids have choices. They like some people and don't like others.

Just like you do.

BAD SEXUAL DECISIONS?

There are the girls on SEX AND THE CITY and a bunch of sleazy websites who choose sexual partners purely for the erotic buzz they think they'll get, but do you know why you make the sexual choices you do?

Why do you sleep with whoever you sleep with? Of course, "sleep with" is a code term for doing the nasty/getting down and dirty with/exchanging bodily fluids with or the more clinical term--having sexual intercourse with.

Let's not get into the Clinton/Lewinsky debate over what sexual relations are, okay?If an intimate part of your body touch someone else's mouth/hand/sexual part, let's call it sex.

Do you know why you have sex with whoever you're having sex? Sexual decisions are tremendously complicated. It's sometimes beyond our comprehension why we are attracted to the people to whom we're attracted, but we really need to explore this. Understanding what flips your switch will help you have less of the morning-after regret and a healthier life both physically and emotionally.

There is of course the very old school--"get married before messing around" approach. Individuals adhering to this see sex as part of an emotional and usually religious partnership. Parents who're freaked out by the thought of their kids making sexual decisions of any kind usually preach this mantra to their teens: marriage then sex. This was a very typical sexual decision making requirement in the days before divorce became so sadly common. It offered the semblance of security and permanence and chastity.

Not so much anymore.

While marriage is a commitment within which sex can be a very intense emotional connection, nowadays people strip down to their bare-nothings on hardly more than a handshake. There is the often quoted "three date" rule that states couples should get physically intimate after seeing each other three times. Lots of folks view this as a fairly cautious approach, since they don't go out three times with someone they're not interested in.

This is a silly viewpoint, in that you can't know a person within three dates. Don't fool yourself. No deep or serious connection can be forged in that short an acquaintance. You can feel a lot for another person after this duration of acquaintance, but you don't know them.

Still others, go home with interesting sexual partners upon the first meeting. Go clubbing and you'll see any number of people who do this. Making sexual decisions based on the tingling of private parts may seem like a good idea, but you need to really protect yourself--both sexually and otherwise--if this is your typical behavior. This is stranger sex at it's most up front. You didn't pull up a hook-up website; you went to a bar, downed a few appletinis to lower your inhibitions and went eeny-meeny-moe.

Whether you find a person to date through friends or your church or a dating website, you need to know why you make the sexual choices you make. Knowledge puts you in charge. I'm big-time into you being in charge of your own life. Self-knowledge is empowering. Scary, too, sometimes, but ultimately empowering.

Illegal situations aside, sex involves a decision. How do you decide who you get in bed with?

BEHAVIOR TRUMPS DNA

Before anyone accuses me of being anti-family, let me say that I think family is very important...but maybe not the most important thing, depending on your family.

Having loving supportive parents and siblings is a wonderful luck of the draw. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into families that encourage and add to their lives. Other individuals--through no fault of their own--are born into families with emotional issues or with chemical dependency problems. Sometimes the people to which you're biologically-connected are a burden or a threat to your personal sanity and safety. Luck of the draw.

This isn't a deserved thing.

We have a tendency, though, to think that our family situation is about us. It's true that you have a part in your relationships. Thank heavens, we get a say-so. Whether you are loving or mean to the people in your family is your choice. Our behavior matters and we aren't just victims of the families into which we're born. But, you have nothing to do with how the members of your family behave. You also can't change them.

The tricky part comes in when your family members exhibit behavior that doesn't seem loving.

Love is sometimes challenging and painful(streeeetttttcccchhhhing you), but never harmful. If you don't find any value in a family relationship--if you wouldn't have anything to do with these people if you weren't related--you really need to examine why you maintain the connection. Sometimes, the people you expect to love you, don't. Not really. They don't take your best interests into account or put your personal development at a high premium.

So, maybe you're not loved by the people who share your DNA.

Shocking suggestion, I know, but one that needs to be mentioned. Biology does not determine connection. Just ask a child who's been neglected or abused by a biological relative. Love is an action, not biology and not just words. I like words and I think verbal communication is very important to relationships, but let's be clear: love is about action. If behavior doesn't reflect love, then you're not loved.

To some individuals, biology seems so vital that they can't imagine not having involvement with family members, even when the interaction is conflicted. However, relationships need to be based on something more than DNA. Not looking at and taking into account the nature of your relationship can limit you and your growth.

Sometimes, in some situations, families are toxic. They negatively impact your emotional and mental health. When this is the case, you need to consider ending the relationship. Before you come to this conclusion look at your actions--the stuff you're doing to contribute to the problems. Change what you need to change--that's your power. Then, if you can't alter the unhealthy interaction, you need to stop it. As harsh as that sounds, if your family is hurting you, stop interacting with them.

WORKING MYSELF OUT OF A JOB

Lisa writes: "I'm 17. All my family does is fight. My family downgrades me every chance they get. They sometimes hit me and always cuss and yell at me. I feel like I have so many secrets and no one to talk to...I know my family wouldn't believe me. I don't know what to do or how to make things right. I want my family to love me and I wanna be happy...I am happy until my dad is around. Then it's just yelling and threatening and sometimes hitting. Please reply and please help me."

I wish I could make it all better, Lisa, but some families are unhappy and abusive. It's just the way it is and this sucks. You don't deserve this, no matter what you've done.

You've asked for my help....the one big piece of advice I have is to get an education. Stay in school. Complete your assignments. Ask your teachers for help. (Yes, they really do want to help.) And then when you've graduated, get out. Out of your biological family.

It sounds toxic.

You can't make your family stop yelling and arguing, but you can make a different life for yourself. It's hard when you want the people who raised you to be different and to love you. Sometimes, they just don't.

* * *

Good therapists are working their way out of their jobs.

In recent years, individuals have embraced the idea that brain chemistry can only be changed by taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, anti-whatever pills. Many are convinced that they have a lifelong issue and will always need to be medicated.

Not necessarily true. Brain chemistry can be changed by the way you think. This isn't just a matter of thinking everything is okay, making it okay, but it means that you're in charge of your own life, even when it doesn't feel this way. It can be very difficult to deal with feelings and personal perceptions, but my job as a therapist is to help you find the tools to enable you to change your experience. I'm working my way out of a job.

I want you to prosper, to create the life you want. I believe that most individuals have the capacity to do this.

Learn to confront your own issues. Learn to believe in yourself.

SON OR HUSBAND?

A reader writes: "I was married and divorced two years later because there was no understanding with my first husband. We mutually agreed to divorce, after which my infant son and I stayed with my mother. Nine years later, the man I worked for proposed marriage. I took some time to decide as he was already married and had two kids. I finally agreed to marry him.

As we work together and I travel on business with him alot, I depended on my husband's first wife to care for my son. Initially, this seemed okay, but after a few months, she began harassing my son. She complains about him to my husband and she kept my child outside. My son stayed with a colleague for a week because my husband's first wife wouldn't let him in the house.

My husband supports his first wife, saying my son is not good, that his culture isn't good and his blook is bad. We argue. My son is only 12. Once when my husband was drunk, he started arguing in front of everybody. He said my priority was my son, not my husband. He started beating him. I was afraid and, early that morning, took my son to my mother's place before coming back. My mother is now caring for him. Because of the pressure in my house, I keep my son at my mother's. If I don't, I know my husband's first wife won't feed him or care for him. How can I keep him with her?

My husband--also my boss--loves me. Although I have learned a lot after marrying him, I have not completed my formal education. My husband has taught me many things at work. He encourages me, but his expectations are high. He takes care of me, but not my son. Sometimes, he drinks and degrades me, saying he is not my priority. My son is. I am scared my husband will throw me out of the house or my job. And yet, he won't accept me staying somewhere else, but says we have to stay together. If I have to leave, I leave both husband and job. Sometimes, I feel suicidal. What shall I do?"

In different cultures, marital expectations vary, sometimes involving multiple wives. While the guy mentioned above happens to have two wives at the same time, the issue isn't so different than a step-parent situation. The problem here--found in many cultures--is that of mate or child?

There's also the reality that leaving your husband means leaving your job. Maybe that's scaring you the most. You've taken your son out of the home, so I know you're concerned for him. The question is whether or not you want to raise your son. Right now, your mom is caring for him.

Your son is only twelve. In most parts of the world, he's not considered even close to being an adult. He still needs a parent. I assume--since you didn't mention him after the first sentence--that your son's father isn't involved. That just leaves you. You've already had the determination to leave one husband and take your child. Are you afraid that you can't do this again? Afraid you won't get another job?

I can't think of another reason to stay....unless you're in the favorite wife role and leaving would mean giving that up. You say your husband loves you, but his actions don't seem loving. He might cling to you. Maybe your husband tells you he needs you, but your son is part of you--you had to sneak him out of the house to protect him. Your husband actually beat your son. It doesn't matter that he was drinking. This isn't love.

Don't confuse being needed with being loved. Not the same thing. You're under a lot of pressure and you say you're feeling suicidal. Why stay? I can understand fear--not being sure you can get a job. Fearing that you won't be acceptable because you didn't get your degree. [Note to other readers: GET YOUR DEGREE!]

You made it before as a divorced woman and divorce is way better than suicide. Give yourself and your son another chance at life without the man you now call "husband."