MAKE FATHER BEG

"I find myself in a rough situation. My husband and I are planning to tell my daughter that the father she has known all her life is not really her father.

Her real father had not been in the picture and really has not been a part of her life. However, just recently, I have spoken with her real dad and he wants to be part of her life.

Our problem is that we have no idea how to tell her. I don't know what to expect. Especially, since right now she is going through puberty and is up and down with her moods. She is 9, going on 10. Can you give me some advice?"--Conflicted Parent

*

Dear Conflicted,

You have two issues to deal with. First, your daughter's biological father flaked out on her once. He could do it again and leave her even more moody. Before you allow him to see her, you need to do your best to make sure he's serious about assuming the responsibilities of parenthood (at last).

I'd give it some time. Tell him that you're concerned about him being consistent in seeing your daughter (I'd phrase it like this. After all, she's been your daughter, not so much his.) Have him call you every month or so to get an update on what's going on in her life and how she's doing. I'd also require him to attend at least two sessions with a therapist. Have him request proof from the therapist that he's come and have him show you this. If he refuses to allow you to set the pace, he's not demonstrating concern for this child he's ignored so long. I'd let him go through the courts for visitation at that point...and I don't generally think legal action is preferable for anyone.

Your second and bigger question is about how to tell your daughter the truth about her biology. I don't ever recommend keeping this kind of fact from a child, even if you're trying to cushion the harsh reality of her having a parent who just doesn't care. With starting a new relationship, your husband was your go-to guy. It made sense then, but now you owe her the truth.

This is kind of revelation is always a shock. Don't expect her to be happy with you.

I'd tell her with both you and your husband--her dad--present. Just be upfront. Tell her you've not been honest with her and that you were involved with another man before her dad, you were impregnated by him and the resulting child was her. I think you need to apologize to her for the deceit, adding that you only wanted the best and were trying to shelter her. If she wants to see her dad, tell her he hasn't been stable before this and that you're trying to make sure he's safe for her to see. DON'T TELL HER HE'S NOW SAYING HE WANTS TO SEE HER.

Not yet.

It's very easy for a kid to get swept up in the romanticism of the new parent. Don't tell her about the possibility of seeing him until you're sure he's seriously changed.

She is at a time of big change in her life. I'd be slow to introduce a new parent. When you tell her about her biology, be sure to stress that your husband has been there, both for you and for her. He may have been a jerk sometimes (we all are), but he's raised a child who isn't his. Give him some credit.

* * *

Parents of teens sometimes find themselves in the position of trying to help their teens' girl/boyfriend. I get that. Some kids grow up with parents who aren't good parents and sometimes girl/boyfriends are really great kids. They may deserve much better than they're getting.

At various times, I've really liked the boys my own daughters dated.

But don't under-estimate the challenges of accepting that boyfriend into your home to live. No matter how deserving the kid is, having him live in your home brings a bunch of new issues to the family. The most emotional of these for most parents is the thought of your child in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend...under your roof.

Kids grow up and, basically, we want them to have sex, eventually. Good sex. Life without this is very gray.

We just don't want to have think about it a lot or to have her engage in this activity when she's young and unprepared for the consequences. We certainly don't want to walk in on them having sex in her bedroom. She's a child, for heaven's sake! But bringing the boyfriend in to sleep under your roof is putting the carrot under her nose. It also makes things very messy when (and if) she breaks up with him. They are young, after all, and the relationships of the very young tend not to survive very long. If you bring him into the home and they break up, you'll be in the middle, which isn't where you need to be.

Be very careful and make yourself see the possibilities.

SEX & ANXIETY

You can pay for Viagra and Cialis and other erectile dysfunction drugs, but your sexual difficulties may be more directly related to anxiety than any physical cause. Anxiety is sexual satisfaction's enemy. For both men and women, anxiety can disrupt the cycle of sexual arousal to sexual fulfillment.

The biggest contributing factor to anxiety and sexual dysfunction are relationship issues.

You can fill the bedroom with red rose petals and pour the champagne, but if you and your partner have unresolved issues, you probably won't have much naked fun. The actual sexiest thing you can do for your relationship has nothing to do with Victoria's Secret or bustiers. You just need to learn to really listen to one another.

Caring enough to focus on and tune into your partner conveys love. Listening is the most powerful tool for this, but too often it seems like listening conveys agreeing. We often feel that just by hearing our partners' concerns and feelings, this means they win. We lose. They're right. We're wrong.

Again.

There's nothing fun or sexy about losing, but listening doesn't mean losing. You can hear your partner--echoing this back to make sure you got what was being said--without agreeing that he/she is King of the Relationship. Being always right isn't good in a relationship (it means your partner is always wrong and that's just no fun), but you need to feel listened to, yourself.

Don't start by demanding to be heard, however. Demands don't usually convey "I love you." If you're in your relationship because you really value your partner, you need to limit the demands. You do, however, need to be heard and understood yourself. It may seem backwards, but start by listening to your mate. Hear her/his concerns and opinions. Repeat these back and keep trying until you can actually say what your partner means.

Then it's your turn. Don't rush into this. Don't think you have to speak your piece right on the heels of your exercise in hearing him/her. This will just convey that you didn't actually listen. But later, a day or so after you work hard at hearing your partner, it'll be important for you to talk about what you feel.

Remember, this doesn't mean you get to say what you think he's doing. "I feel that you...." is not how an expression of actual feeling starts. This is a judgement and an opinion about the other person. You know how you react if someone talks to you this way. You don't want to keep listening.

Don't express yourself in this manner. You won't be heard. When you talk about your feeling--your concerns--your issues--start with "I feel...." You can even say "I don't understand...." or "I don't like...," but stay with your own reactions. Don't make a judgement about your partner. The fartherest you need to go down this path is to say "...It seems like you don't care what happens with our money" or "...I have a hard time feeling loved when you don't care about my sexual experience."

Communication is the sexiest thing you can do and if you deal with issues in the relationship, you're less likely to have anxiety-related sexual performance issues.

HOW TO FORGIVE

There are lots of professionals who urge forgiveness, saying that forgiving helps victims heal.

This is true, but knowing how to forgive a straying lover or a childhood persecutor or abuser still eludes many. Whether the damage done has to do with being physically or verbally assaulted or if someone was particularly mean to you, forgiveness is not as simple as simply wishing the injury away.

Sometimes, you just want it to be like the event never happened. You want to forget, so you "forgive."

Victims don't want their injury to define their lives and I get that. We also have trouble cutting some people completely out of our lives, wanting to stay friends, even though we don't want to be married to/date/stay romantically involved with people.

Pretty much, we suck at knowing how to end relationships.

It is perhaps most challenging to recover after childhood sexual abuse. Way too many people have had this trauma visited on them--and let me add that none of them deserved it. None. No kid is bad enough to deserve abuse. Sadly, many of these individuals are abused by family members or close family friends. People they want to continue being involved with.

The mixed feelings in this situation are horrendous. Imagine loving the same person who abused you. Very complicated.

Still, forgiveness is good for you. Struggling through life, continuing to hate another person is exhausting. It also can get in the way of third-party relationships. Girlfriends who's husbands attacked you when you were drunk. Your own husband who has been unfaithful to you and now says he just wants to move forward, like it never happened. Forgiveness may be attractive because it seems like it'll lift some of the burden you bear.

But doing this without confronting it completely, won't really help.

After all, your continuing to hate someone doesn't really hurt him. So, how do you forgive someone who betrayed you or assaulted you and stole your childhood?

Forgiveness of a trauma requires you to forgive yourself first. Like the victim of sexual abuse, you never deserve to be cheated on or lied to. Don't tell me all the bad things you've done or how many times you were a witch in the relationship. Betrayal is still betrayal. Even if you did it first, the other person's actions are not excused.

Forgiveness requires acceptance of the injury--this happened to me. Whether you're struggling to cope with a childhood episode or with the infidelity of a partner who promised to stay true, you need to accept what happened...and realize that no matter what you did or didn't do, you didn't deserve the injury.

The next step is to assess whether or not the person who offered you this injury is actually sorry for whatever was done(don't assume this too easily). Maybe so. Maybe not. What you really have to consider is whether or not the relationship in which you were injured is healthful to you overall or not.

Tricky stuff.

You can't forgive/forget an assault to a relationship if the perpetrator doesn't 1.) express remore (really, really, really really sorry) and 2.) change his or her behavior. Big change and if this is an infidelity betrayal, you need to 3.) fix the problems that were in the relationship before the action. And all this has to be sustained, not just a easily glossed-over return to how it was before. Otherwise, you're just asking for a repeat of the hurt that led you here in the first place.

You can forgive a perpetrator who isn't sorry...you just have to remember that this person is himself damaged and can't be trusted in the future.

Forgiveness is about letting go. Believing that the one who hurt you will experience consequences from the universe. You don't have to stalk her down. (Of course, any appropriate legal action has to be considered. You may not choose to pursue it, but you need to think about it.)

Most importantly, don't assume that you can move on without forgiving yourself. You're not perfect. No one is. But you didn't deserve this.

WANT MORE/BETTER SEX?

Listen close. The secret to good sex isn't in a little blue pill or any pill.

While sex with various, sometimes random partners is the goal for some, most people just want more or better sex with their partners. This is what I'm talking about and it's really very simple--resolve the conflicts between the two of you.

That's it. No bells and whistles.

Resolution in relationships make partners feel cared for and therefore sexier. Now, learning how to resolve conflict between two different people, that part is not easy, but its worth it. While we tend to just hope the crap will go away on it's own, this is a big mistake. Don't believe it. If you guys consistently have the same issues come up over and over, there's no reason to hope these conflicts will suddenly disappear.

Sex between happy, resolved couples is usually vibrant and deeply fulfilling, not to mention more frequent.

Think about it, people who are convinced that their partners really care about what matters to them are more likely to really care about what matters to their partners. It's reciprocal and getting here requires you to deal with the emotional issues between you. Not only will this lead to good sex, it'll steer you away from the number one relationship killer...unsettled stuff.

When you have an argument and you don't feel listened to or respected, this puts a wedge between you two. Every issue, every day, the wedge gets deeper until you end up feeling divorced from the very person you once loved so much.

This is not a recipe for great sex.

Even small stuff like who cleans the house and how you deal with the kids can add up to a disconnected experience. Couples in this situation, start by feeling increasingly bored by what sex they do have. This is kind of crazy, when you think about it because sex by it's very nature isn't boring. But unresolved issues and increasing boredom in the bedroom lead couples to needing crazier and weirder sexual scenarios.

Before you get arrested for having sex in public places or fall into the whole swinging thing(which BTW doesn't lead to better relationships), learn how to really settle stuff. This is a complicated, sometimes painful process, but the results are fabulous.

First off, learn to listen. This is so not as easy as it sounds. People think they're listening when their partners report not having been heard. Try this trick. Shut your mouth when your partner is talking. Listen hard--like you're going to be tested over the material--and don't interrupt or defend yourself. Then, repeat back to your partner everything you just heard. EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH WHAT WAS SAID. This is a big thing, because your partner is sure to see things differently than you and you'll feel compelled to straighten him or her out.

Don't. Just listen. And then repeat it back. If your partner stops you or corrects you when you do this, listen again to what she or he said. Again, like you're going to be tested. Listen and repeat till your partner tells you that you've got it right.

The second step is to then voice your perspective. It'll be different, of course. Don't start your sentences with YOU. Say "I feel...." and remember "I feel that you..." is still starting the sentence with YOU.

When you attack or blame the other person, they don't have the urge to either listen or to then later take their clothes off with you.

Start by listening. It's big.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED

K writes,

"I have been divorced for five years. My adult children (32 and 24) live with their mom. I remarried and divorced since then. The problem I ran into is that my adult children were home-schooled and did not get a solid education...just recently obtaining their GED's. I get along good with my children's mom and treat her more like a sister than anything else. Neither one of us want on any level to get back together. I've been working closely with both children over the last year and, although they have their GED's, only one has a driver's license.

The problem I have now is that my now second ex-wife did not want me to go anywhere near my ex-wife's home. Since my two adult children still live with their mom, they feel as if I am shutting them out of my life by not coming to see them there. I have tried to reduce the number of times I go, but this did not calm my second wife's feelings. We divorced after just seven months of marriage. I still love her very much, but feel as if she is making me choose between her and my children. I have told her that I could not promise that I would not go, but would only go if I really felt I needed to and I invited her to go with me, if I did. She wants no part of it and feels that I am putting my children and ex before her and how she feels. My second wife had never had children and is 18 years younger than me. Yes, she is just five years older than my oldest child. I try to understand how she feels about the situation, but I cannot bring myself to do what she asks and not go to their house again. Any advice would be appreciated."--Struggling with Ex-Wife & Kids

#

Dear Struggling,

Okay, here goes--you asked for any advice, but you may not like what I have to say. This woman who you refer to as your second ex-wife has no right to say anything about your relationship to your children. No, it's not unreasonable that you want to see your kids, even if they still live with their mother.

And you're still acting like you're married to her. Hello! You divorced after only seven months. You may still be seeing one another, but the marriage has legally been declared dead. You didn't ask about this, but I'm going out of a limb to say that marriages with an 18 year age difference don't have much of a success rate.

Be a parent. It sounds like you're doing your best to get your kids autonomous--able to function on their own.

* * *

"Hi, I have three properties. Two are on five acres. I originally had seven houses and a good business, but a state agency closed my business and I lost three houses to foreclosure in 2006. My children helped me buying one house and paying thousands to save the houses I have now. After those three houses were foreclosed on, I made a real effort to rent my other three houses. Although the rents helped me pay on my loans, the banks increased the payments. A solution to my problem is to refinance. This would save me more than $2,000 a month.

Because of my limited income and previous foreclosure, I do not qualify for a new loan and I am in danger of losing my last three houses.

My two children have good credit and salaries. My son makes $15,000 a month and my daughter has $8,000 a month. I asked them to co-sign with me for refinancing, but surprisingly both refused. My question is this--are my children okay to refuse to refinance and to allow our houses to be foreclosed on? I mention that no money is required from them. Just their credit."--Trying to Avoid Foreclosure

#

Dear Foreclosure,

You're in a tough financial spot, but your children aren't responsible for this. These are rough times for many, but your kids didn't create the financial problem, you did. Credit histories are precious. If they don't want to risk having to bail you out again--they've done this once already--they don't need to co-sign on your loans.

You call these houses our properties, but you bought the houses. You are the landlord, collecting rents and dealing with the hassles and rewards of that role. These are your houses and it's your problem. Although there's often an emotional bond between parents and kids, kids don't owe parents anything (they didn't ask to be born into your care) and your children have already helped you financially. You don't get to keep sucking on that teat forever. You need to cope with your own financial situation yourself.

This is a tricky situation--we don't have control over the people we love, but we're often affected by what happens to them. This part of love sucks.

* * *

We do the things we do in relationship, not because of or for the other person--we do what we do for us. This sounds selfish to a lot of folks, but it's selfish only in the sense that you're taking care of you. This doesn't mean you don't care for others. You're impacted by their choices if you love them. Truthfully, what's good for you can't be bad for them...or it isn't really good for you.

You hurt when they hurt. You get mad when they're mistreated.

Never think that you should be able, then, to control their actions or choices. They live their lives. You live yours. You cannot make their choices, only yours. This is the key we sometimes miss

THE PERFECT SPOILED KID

A frustrated mom writes, "I have a 17 year old daughter who is every parent's dream in most ways, but her spoiled attitude makes it hard to enjoy the better part of her.

She excels in sports and all the coaches fight over who gets her, and the one that does makes her captain of the team. She is an A-B student. All [the] teachers just adore her, although a few of them have commented on her attitude. She's wise beyond her years and often her peers come to her for advice. She has never done drugs and she's still a virgin.

Sounds wonderful, right? Her downside is she is so spoiled that she orders everyone around [and demands] how things will be. She goes nuts if we deny her money when she asks for it, and even though her car is in beautiful condition, she prefers to drive my SUV because of the image things. She's all about image. I had her drive it in the snowy winter, for safety reasons. But when I told her I needed to swap cars for a few days, she started crying, saying she can't drive her car to school because of her image. I'm a strict parent, and when she pulled that I decided to keep my SUV for even longer, hoping to open her eyes that she should be very grateful for what she has. Her grandmother just reinforces her entitled attitude, though, smirking at her car and saying it's "okay", but not quite up to the standard she thinks her granddaughter deserves. Her grandmother also complains in my daughter's defense whenever she is denied something.

I know anyone close to the situation cannot get their point across, so I thought if you could give your opinion about her attitude, and I will show it to her and her grandmother, to show them it isn't just us being mean or unreasonable, but giving reasonable boundaries that need to be followed. At this point, we are at such war with each other, I'm afraid it will tear apart this whole family--"Unhappy Mom"

#

Dear Unhappy,

I hate to disappoint you, but the kid won't care what I think. It sounds as if you're raising a bright, determined girl and you have my condolences. All I can recommend is that you need to give her less and make her earn more...and that you accept that parenting isn't a popularity contest. She won't like it and she won't like you. At least, not now.

Grandma is another situation. Many view grandparenting as having the right to spoil the heck out of grandparents. They think the parents have to be the mean ones, as they probably were. I don't agree with this position, but it's pretty wide-spread. Grandparents care about the welfare of their grandchildren and it's not in any child's best interest to be so spoiled and entitled that their teachers comment on it.

You need to accept that your daughter's going to hate all this and hate you, too. We hope she outgrows this and comes to realize that you're acting in her best interests. Most kids do, but the process is truly a painful part of parenting.

BTW, drive the SUV yourself. The kid needs to learn how to handle a car in the snow anyway.

* * *

Look around, more and more of us are struggling with feeling unsafe. We don't believe we have the capacity to protect ourselves, whether this involves good relationship decisions or some sort of national disaster. We drive large SUVs, even when we usually drive alone, thinking the larger vehicle protects us.

More people are dealing with Panic Disorders and we forget that we generally know how to care for ourselves way better than we think. There is no way to avoid the challenges of this world, but you're better equipped to handle these than you feel.

LETTING GO OF THE KID

At the risk of being called a hypocrite, I'm advocating allowing your kids to make their own lives. Lots of high school students are furiously writing college entrance essays and making themselves sick, worrying about what they'll do now that they're entering adulthood. Then there are the slackers who seem more interested in partying and going to school football games than college--the ones whose parents have to stay on them to even get the kids to go to school.

Either way, you've got to let your kids go.

You have to find a mid-range zone that conveys love and emotional support--maybe financial support while they're actually going to college--without sliding into an over-involvement that earns you the scornful term of "helicopter parent." This mid-range area is dicey and slippery and really hard to maintain (voice of experience). You don't get to tell them how to dress or what jobs they should go after or who to date. They need to find all this out themselves.

Your kids have the right to live the lives they choose. This can be a painful and scary reality, even more so when some people persist in thinking parenting equals outcome. It doesn't. Kids have choice, no matter what kind of parent you've been. They get to be healthy or unhealthy, law abiding or not. That's what this country is about, right? Having a choice. While many of us struggle with this when it comes to our kids, this freedom applies to them, too.

I mention the hypocrite thing because my husband commented the other day that we've participated in eight different moves on our children's part (admittedly him more than me). And my daughters are both still in school, pursuing advanced degrees, so they'll have more moves to go before they're settled. Roger says he's not too sure how many moves he has left in him, but they'll need him and he'll go.

That's the bottom line--when you love the kids, you go. The complicated part is in deciding when it's important for the child to make her own way. When to step back and let the consequences fall. When is it more loving to believe in her? To believe she can make it on her own, even if she is struggling.

There will be times you bite your tongue and don't comment. You've had practice in this. All through adolescence, your kids tried on different behaviors like different hairstyles and, while some work, others didn't.

The older the child gets, the less place there is for your comments. (yes, even if she gets a nose ring.)

One of the biggest challenges in parenting is allowing your children to experience the consequences of their own choices. How do any of us learn, if we don't see the results of our actions?

So, you need to let go of your kid...gradually. This is like when you were teaching your child to ride a bike. You ran alongside, balancing the child while she peddled furiously. Then, when she had the hang of it, you took your hand off and stood, watching her ride away.

These are the bittersweet moments, particularly when the child realizes you're not balancing her anymore and she falls over, startled and scared to be on her own. Lots of parents cavil at this, commenting that their children aren't acting like adults. Still, you have to butt out and let them have the consequences of their choices.

This is what life is about. We parents shelter them from the cold, feed them when they're young and help them learn how to make it without us...because they need this. They need to be okay without us. They need to grow up because we're not going to always be here.

Lots of people say these things about "responsibility" to their children--sometimes over and over until the kid starts mockingly mouthing the words behind their parents' back when they're speaking--but the hard part is following through and actually taking your hand off the bike.