DEFAULT RELATIONSHIPS

Being alone can be a relief after a bad relationship, but most of us don't want to live our lives without a partner. Being with someone can be difficult, though. Most individuals would rather have a significant other than be alone. Just look at all the dating websites that have sprung up in the last few years and you'll have an indication of both the difficulty of being half of a couple and the human desire to have someone special in your life. This conflict has led to an increasing number of relationships in which you do more than settle. I'm not talking about the decision you make to deviate from your list of "Perfect Mate" qualities. This list is understandable, but hardly realistic, given that you probably wouldn't fit your own criteria. Lots of people make these lists and end up tossing them aside as reality intrudes. You may not end up with someone who has perfect teeth and perfect hair, but you need to consider more than this in order to truly connect with a potential mate. On more than one occasion, couples have come in for therapy with the same situation...they argue and fight over many issues and do this with a seeming lack of liking one another. Don't get me wrong, when in a big disagreement with a partner, most of us don't like our mates much, even if you're in love the partner. In some relationships, though, couples don't share much. They have differing values and goals and may not share interests in common. They don't make each other laugh much. When asked, they report not valuing much about the relationship...but they stay. Couples therapy is a process in which conflicts are addressed and the strengths in a relationship pointed out. Conflict resolution is encouraged and assisted. Basically, I want the couple to know how to deal with issues that arise between them. I want them not to need me. Successful therapy means working my way out of a job. In some couples, however, this process hits a big barrier. Some couples come in disliking one another and seem to lack both the motivation and ability to move through problems to a resolution. And yet, here's the hard part--the unhappy mates don't leave the relationship. They just stay and gripe an one another. When asked about this, people often report that they don't want to be alone. Default relationship. Even a bad connection is better than no connection at all. At least this way, you have someone to fight with. Ugly, unhappy interaction is still interaction. In default relationships, you've given up hope of finding a better match. You've generally found a bunch of failure in intimate interactions with others and you've chucked the idea that you can find someone with whom you'll actually be happy, or you've decided you won't be happy with anyone else, so it's better to be unhappy with someone. In this kind of situation, individuals complain to me about a variety of things they don't like in their mate and then, when asked about the good, offer very faint praise. "Well, he means well...." "At least she doesn't cheat...." "Oh, he can be okay sometimes...." I'm never quick to judge the value a person gets out of a relationship. This isn't my job. If they're interacting, they're getting something out of it, but anyone in this kind of relationship needs to ask themselves whether they're there because they have no belief in finding/creating a happier, healthier interaction. Maybe you stay in this relationship because you don't have faith in yourself. As I've said way too often (one of those things my kids mouth behind my back)--relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. That and be parents. Never judge yourself for struggling with this. We ALL struggle with this, at times, and many of us struggle much of the time, trying to connect with intimate partners. But default relationships are, in their nature, doomed to continue our defeat. You can't work your way out of a bad match just by trying harder. If big, big issues lie between you two and you struggle to deal with conflicting values, the prognosis can be dim. If you want very different lives and don't really like each other much, staying connected is hollow at best. While some individuals date/marry/live with partners they don't dislike, but aren't in love with, they need to ask themselves if they're doing anybody good. A not in love with relationship may offer occasional sex and have the benefit of another beating heart somewhere in the home, you really deserve better. You and your partner deserve to be valued and to be in love. Don't give up on yourself.

ADULT DAUGHTER & MOTHER FIGHT

"My mother and I--along with she and my sister--have been fighting. She is erratic and moody. Today things took a very bad turn. I had planned to visit my parents today (they live about 8 miles away), but my mother called while I was preparing to leave and said my father was sick with a severe cold. I said I wouldn't be coming then, since my kids had just gotten over being sick and I did not want them exposed again. She then said she missed the kids and still wanted to see them. I responded that she'd seen them just three days before and could see them again when dad was better. My mother then said if I didn't care and wouldn't come that day then I should never come back again. She hung up on me. I called back ten minutes later, after I'd calmed down, but she didn't pick up the phone. I left a message that said if she couldn't quit being stubborn and listen to my concerns, then I would listen to her and stay away from her home. When I arrived home, she'd called 20 times, almost minute by minute, and didn't leave any message. On the very last hang-up she said I needed to change my message to "Have a have a nice f****** day." I didn't respond to her calls. This isn't the first time she has done things like this and I've just let them go because of her moodiness. I do not like the conflict and would like a solution to our problems, but she will not be civil. My father has called me in the past, asking that I apologize to help her calm down. My father and I have had to call 911 before when she threatened suicide. She went then into a secure facility for help, but only stayed for a night and before coming home. I'm scared for her and for my kids when they are with her. I do not leave them alone with her anymore. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. This is hurting myself, my kids, my husband and my dad, as well as, my sister and her children. There is so much conflict that it's tearing everyone apart and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not looking to be right or vindicated. I want help to try and resolve this situation for the health of my whole family. I don't know where to start...."--Upset Daughter

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Dear Daughter,

This is a mess and it sucks, I know. You've dealt with your mom's highly-emotional behavior in the past and I'm guessing you, your sister and your father have done quite a bit of egg-shell-walking to keep from upsetting mom. I wish I had a magic word that could drain all the conflict from relationships, but I don't.

This isn't going to come as a surprise to you---you can't change your mother. You just don't have the power. She's in charge of herself and her behavior, not you. You have to take care of yourself (and your kids and husband) and give mom the consequences of her behavior. You have to leave your dad to fend for himself. He's made choices in his relationship with her for years. His life; his choices.

The business with you and your mom is not so not simple.

First, separate out in your mind, your mom's erratic behavior (throwing a fit because you wouldn't bring the kids that day, blowing up your phone machine like an insane headcase, et cetera) from what you contributed to this fight. I'm guessing you were still really mad when you left that message that "if she wouldn't quit being stubborn and listen to [your] concerns, then [you] would stay away from her home".

Come on, who wouldn't be?

Given a rewind button, you might not have said that, but your mom's tantrums aren't new to you. She's obviously run amok before and you've, just as obviously, swallowed a lot, what with not liking conflict and your dad urging you to adopt his placating position. Frankly, most people don't like conflict between themselves and those they care about.

Your making-nice with your mother hasn't changed things. Not really.

Maybe it's time you accepted that her behavior is in her control. You can't change her. You do, however, get to decide that to which you expose your kids, your husband and your self. You probably need to limit your interaction with your mom. Really limit it. Don't tell her what to do, just don't be available for tantrums or abuse. No apologies, no colluding with dad to "keep her happy."

Think of it this way--your mom's behavior has worked in the past. She's got her husband and kids jumping through hoops when she's upset. This isn't good for anyone. It's not made your mom particularly happy, either, even if she calms down at the moment.

You've told your kids that certain behaviors are acceptable and others aren't. Isn't it time you did the same with your mom?

* * *

One of the hardest situations in life confronts us when the people we love make bad choices. Whether this is a spouse who's over-drinking or adult children who don't pay their bills, we sometimes have to face the reality that we can't change others.

Don't think you just need to say the right thing. People respond less to verbal interaction than to changes in your behavior. If you keep yammering about what you don't like, but continue destructive relationships, the message is only that you're a bitch. Others know when you don't want to change things and you'll tolerate crap.

Even when sweet words are spoken, the actions that accompany this speak most loudly.

The hard part is to change you--your part. Look hard and long at what you're contributing to unhappy relationship situations. You can change your behavior very directly. Changing others isn't as easy.

CHEATING AND GUILT

"My girlfriend and I have been together for two years no. In the beginning, we had our ups and downs and we both made mistakes and cheated. I cheated because I was still immature. It was no fault of hers. She cheated because I was being so neglectful, which we now know is because I was being unfaithful myself. Well, we have both been faithful for about a year now, but she is still not able to forgive herself for what she did to me, even though I have. It's gotten to the point that it's tearing us apart and that's the last thing we want. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her forgive herself and for us to be alright again. What can we do?"--Now Faithful

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Dear Faithful Now,

It sounds like you're giving yourself both too much credit and too much blame in this situation. You're definitely at fault for cheating in the first place (this is a choice you did make) and it sounds like you're saying that it's somehow your fault that she cheated (not your fault). So, both your infidelity and her infidelity were your fault? (You weren't paying enough attention to her, so she HAD to cheat, too?)

Don't think I'm being flippant or dismissive here. Cheating is a big deal in committed relationships. It cuts to the core and is always harmful, even if the cheated-on mate doesn't find out. I think it's important, though, for you to both have the power of choice. You didn't make her cheat. This was something you both did--You both made bad choices.

As to how to "get over" the past, I think you need to actively deal with the issues between the two of you. You need to be as direct as possible and learn how to talk/listen to one another. Believe me, this isn't simple.

Feeling guilty over the cheating is reasonable. It's appropriate. We feel bad when we break promises, hurt others or do things that contradict our own values. In this case, feeling bad about the choice makes sense. Living in the past, however, ususally means that current issues aren't being addressed.

There's stuff still there, under the rug. You need to dig it out.

There's a whole range of possibilities here--I'm just guessing. Lots of stuff could be going on both between you and in you. The problem is that whatever is happening is hurting the relationship. You two need some honest talk about the things that make you crazy and yes, these things can seem small and piddly (but still really annoying).

Work out the issues between you and the past will fade.

* * *

You may have stood up before God and witnesses, swearing your troth only to one another--or you just may have a commitment between the two of you. Either way, cheating is a bad idea.

There are even websites devoted to helping you find others to cheat, but stepping out on your significant other is a lousy way to handle the conflicts in the relationship. Many people cite multiple reasons they cannot leave their current relationships, saying they have to cheat, but this is wrong in multiple ways.

1. "We have kids together and I don't want to break up the family."

2. "I don't want to lower my standard of living by leaving my mate."

3. "A divorce would mean I've failed."

4. "My parents/her parents would be very upset if we divorced."

5. "I want to stay with him because I love him, but things aren't good now. So, cheating seems okay."

6. "I want it all--him and other sexual partners--even if he's not okay with this."

7. "It just happened."

This last one is particularly confusing because someone unzipped something in order to get naked enough to have sex. You don't just stumble and fall on someone else's private parts.

When we make lousy choices, we feel bad. Maybe not initially, but eventually. Usually, the bad feelings are all mixed up with other feelings. Cheaters tend to have moments of euphoria and a sense of great connection with the person they're seeing on the side. This "soul-mate" sense is an illusion, though. Affairs that turn into committed relationships tend to end up in the same, sad place at some point, with the individuals involved then finding themselves wanting to cheat on the person they previously cheated with.

It's not a pretty cycle.

So, just don't. Even if the temptation is overwhelming. Go home and talk to your committed partner. Talk about the hard stuff. Work really, really hard on listening. Even if it hurts.

You may end up leaving that relationship anyway, but at least you'll avoid the drama and guilt associated with infidelity.

Let's just leave out the spiritual or religious aspects of this and concentrate on what you're doing to yourself.

EMOTIONAL STRATA

Whether you marry or live together or just date, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Most adults have a string of relationship experiences of various durations. Some are longer; some shorter, but the theme of "this is hard!" ties it all together.

And it is hard.

Just finding someone you like, who also likes you is difficult as evidenced by the number of dating sites out there. There's even a dating app, if you want one for your smart phone. With all this hooking up and all the genuine emotion that goes into it, you'd think we'd have more success.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, it's really easy to wonder if there's something just wrong with you. Somehow, we feel personally flawed and bad about ourselves when relationships end. There is a reality that it takes two people to make a relationship, but only one to break it up. Just in the nature of things, relationships are cooperative, mutual endeavors.

It's no one person who makes or breaks the thing. Don't let yourself believe that it's all my fault. People tell me all the time that their mates are perfect and wonderful, but they are all messed up. I always tell them that this belief gives them way too much power. Everyone contributes to relationships (power) and everyone is involved in the break-up. It's never just one person's fault.

Yes, many things slant the troubles--getting messed up in drugs; having an alcohol problem or just being unable to keep it in your pants--all this works to end relationships. We can't, though, assume all the blame. Relationships involve two people.

It's a very challenging when you're faced with needing to decide whether a relationship is working--or can be made to work. This is why I wrote my book, Should I Leave Him? While the (publisher's) title slants this toward female readers, it really examines the process of deciding what to do with relationships and offers specific suggestions and ideas.

So, okay. The relationship's over and you feel compelled to find someone else right away, someone who really likes you. Someone to counteract the idea that you're a screwed up, useless human being (which your ex may have said). Totally understandable feelings; not such a good actual idea.

Grabbing at the first chance of a relationship may mean you can put off the being alone part a little longer, but it doesn't give you a great shot at making this next relationship more successful than the last. Successful relationships are typically built on shared values. If you and your next hook up have very different desires in life, you probably won't be in this next relationship, either.

Too many times, we jump from one relationship to another, building up layers of failed interactions. This really doesn't help self-esteem, even if you tell yourself you just found one loser after another. You'll notice--even if you don't talk about it--that the common denominator for all these relationships, is you.

Back to square one--you feel like a loser. Even if you play your emotional cards close to your vest, you'll probably feel bad about yourself inside.

So, do your best to skip the Emotional Strata of one bad relationship layered on top of another. Even if you have gaps between significant others, even if you have to face life alone for awhile, you're better off getting involved with someone who wants the same things you want.

UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT NOT SISTER'S PROBLEM

"I have an eleven year old sister that is very disrespectful to our mother. My mother has three other children and all have different fathers. My mother has messed up in the past with drugs, but is currently improving! Hannah, my sister, comes home from school everyday, does her homework, eats, and watches television. She is very lazy and does not do what is asked of her. She always comes home from school with an attitude towards our mother for no apparent reason. She is very mean and always seems irritated. My mother and her fiance are planning on getting married in May and my sister refuses to be in the wedding. I just do not understand why my sister always has a chip on her shoulder. I need your advice before we have an out of control teen on our hands, please!"--Frustrated Sibling

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Dear Sibling,

I know this must be very upsetting to you. You've probably stepped up to keep things as stable as you could while your mom struggled with her addiction and it seems now, when things are going better, that your sister is causing undue trouble. It's probably seemed like she had more of an active mother than you did and I'm guessing you often tried to fill the gap when times were difficult.

Let me just point out, however, that your sister's attitude and lack of helpfulness is more appropriately your mom's issue than yours. Even if you are now an adult(over 18) by age, your sister is not your child. She may be a pain, refusing to be in the wedding and all, but this is your mother's wedding and your mother's child. When parents have addiction issues, the elder children often step up, trying to parent younger siblings however they can. This can involve everything from struggling to keep a roof over your heads to feeding smaller mouths.

It's a very, very difficult job that you've probably done amazingly well for your age...but it's not your job. If your mother is less impaired now and staying straight, she has to pick up the pieces.

The sad thing about this mess is that you've become accustomed--by total need--to being the boss. This is a hard role for a kid and, when you're the child of an addict, sometimes the only significance you've found. You're used to being strong for everyone else. Used to putting your own needs last. And now I'm telling you to give up the only thing you've really had--the job of being the boss. It sucks, I know.

Your sister has no reason to respect your mom. She's not acted like a parent and you aren't her parent (no matter how much you've tried). Her insolence and lack of "helping" is what's to be expected, given the situation. Your sister's developmental age also adds to this being a rough time for all.

You may even be angry because your sister's behavior seems like it could derail your mom's recovery. You might be trying to take care of mom, too. So, not your job, hon.

Let me point out, though, that there are some things to be grateful for. Your sister is attending school and doing her homework. This may seem minimal, but it's more than many children of addicts do.

* * *

There are wonderful and valid reasons for having children...and some really bad ones, too. The choice to become a parent isn't always a choice, but when individuals do take on this job, they need to look at why. This is a massively complicated choice, but we don't typically give it much thought.

Be honest about it, most of us become parents because of something we think the role will be cool. Lots of people ooh and ahh over babies and they seem like a ton of fun. They are cute and cuddly and, for the most part, very much worth the lack of sleep, but think seriously about what you have to offer a child and what becoming a parent will mean to your life before you dive in.

There are good reasons and bad ones. Sometimes individuals have children to make themselves make better choices--get off drugs, get an honest job, get into a stable place in your life. These reasons are movements toward a healthy life, but make the turn here before you have kids. Kids deserve better than parents who struggle with addiction and dysfunctionality.

Above all, don't have a child to give yourself a purpose or a reason to get straight. That's a heavy load on the kid, putting it right in the crosshairs of your issues. Get help for yourself. Don't run the risk of messing up what can be a tremendous joy.

PARENT: VERB OR NOUN

"I have a 17 year-old who is pregnant. She is involved with the baby's father and has been sneaking behind my back to see him. She lies to be about where she's going because she is seeing him. The baby's father is on drugs, is in and out of jail and steals to get money for drugs. Now my daughter is stealing for him, so he can buy drugs. She has stolen from me in the past. She had a cell phone and a truck that's paid off. We pay her insurance on the truck. When I found out what was going on, I took all that away from her.

She has no help from anyone other than her father and I, as far as, dealing with her pregnancy. She has been in lots of trouble in school since the fifth grade. I have gone through hell for this kid over the years. She is ADHD and refuses to take medication for it. She also has some depression. She makes up stories to tell me, actually making up fictional friends she's supposedly with when she really goes to be with bad people. She has gone to drug houses with the baby's father to get drugs.

I worry about her safety, hanging out with the kind of people she's with. She doesn't have any decent friends because of the way she is. I'm at my wit's end. Do I throw her out because of the trust issues? And if I do this, am I throwing her to the baby's father, who'll get her into trouble? I'm lost and confused. I love my daughter and want the best for her, particularly now that there's a child involved. I'm not even sure of the baby's health. Please any advice you could give me would really help."--Distraught Mother

* * *

Dear Distraught,

This is most parents' worst nightmare. The trouble here is that you're in the gray zone of parenting. She's not quite an adult, but she's making adult decisions that are bringing her adult consequences. I understand that you're afraid for her. I am, too, and I don't love her as you do.

All that being said, there's not much you can do to keep her from making really big, really scary choices. You've tried putting down your foot and it's not doing any good. You've asked if you should throw her out of the house, but it sounds to me as if she's already left.

Here's a sad reality. You can't keep her from doing drugs (even while she's pregnant) and you can't keep her away from the boy who fathered her child. You're human. You can only do so much. At seventeen, she's close enough to a legal age that she would have a right to confidentiality should she see a therapist or a doctor. It's not likely that the police would spend manpower to go after her if she ran away.

She gets to make her own stupid decisions. I seriously do not recommend you chain her up to keep her from doing this. This won't be successful and the consequences for you would be horrific.

You, however, get to decide the kind of home in which you live. If she's stealing from you, you can call the police and report this. You can also tell her that she can leave if her being there is disruptive to your life. I know you don't want to do these things. You want to take her cell phone and her truck, ground her and control her life like she's still seven years-old.

I get that. She's acting like she needs some control and, if she continues the way she's going, she'll end up in the prison system, with her child in foster care.

Here's what you can do: You can insist that everyone who's living in your home respect other's property. You can (which you've probably already done) point out what you are willing to do for her as her parent (cell phone, truck).

Here's what you can't do: You can't make her take you up on any of this. You can't control who she sees or hangs out with. She's so close to being grown up that it doesn't matter. You don't have to continue providing a roof for her stealing self.

Yes, she may (probably will) go to her drug-using boyfriend. How is this different from what she's already doing? You hint that she's done drugs herself. This is extremely harmful to her fetus and to herself. If she delivers in a hospital and her child comes up positive for drugs, the child will be removed from her care by Child Protective Services and she'll have to clean up her act before the baby's returned to her.

Don't keep fighting a losing battle. Accept her choices as painful as these are.

#

Parenting is a major, major life task and most of us aren't prepared for it. One of the hardest aspects of this job/role is knowing when to quit. You know how significant your own parents were, but it's really important to acknowledge that this job changes.

When children are young, they need to to take care of even the most basic needs. They need and deserve your sheltering care. As they grow older and more capable of caring for themselves, parenting starts to shift from an action to a role. Nothing is sadder than the parents of adult children lecturing the kids on what they should and shouldn't do.

Don't waste your breath.

Kids need your loving belief at that point, but not generally your direction. Yes, they'll flounder and make mistakes. They'll choose bad jobs or careers and even worst relationships. They'll sometimes make a mess of their lives and you'll cry yourself to sleep.

But what your kids really need is your firm conviction that they can pull themselves out of even the most difficult spots. They need you to believe they can do it. Even when they aren't sure of this. They need you to see them as stronger than they do.

And get this--if they're really capable people, they don't need rescuing all the time. When we rescue others, we tend to want to tell them what to do. Kids resent this as much as they resent needing you. It just reminds them of their own weakness. You don't want to do that. You want your children to believe in themselves...even if the road to that self-belief is rocky.

Don't get me wrong, I help my own kids. I just don't do for them what they can do for themselves and I don't tell them what to do...even if they look like they need some direction.

DON'T WANT SEX? FEEL UNDER-LOVED?

"I am 32 years old and I am married to a wonderful man. However, I find myself not wanting to have sex at all. He begs me and I just don't want it. But if he initiates, then I get into it. Now I just don't find myself getting aroused easily. It's just easier for me to say no."--Why Don't I Want It?

Dear Why Don't I,

Sex in a relationship can be very complicated. There are physical factors that should be checked out, but the majority of sexual issues come back to unresolved problems in the relationship. You didn't mention how the two of you deal with conflicts or what stuff really hasn't been resolved. If there are no indications of illness, you need to consider the relationship aspect of the problem. The fact that you once had a good sexual interaction rules out to some degree that one or both of you have had some earlier traumatic event that interferes with healthy sexual function now.

Ask yourself what irritates you about this "wonderful man". He may be a perfectly fine guy, but he's not perfect. Being married means you see him warts and all, just as he sees you. Sometimes the warts have to be dealt with before emotional and sexual intimacy can be experienced.

* * *

"I'm looking for advice on how to deal with stepchildren. I have a 12 year-old stepson and a 14 year-old stepdaughter. We used to have a good relationship, but when I didn't go along with their program and allow them to get away with a number of things, I became the enemy. Also, when they visit their mom and they return home, they behave as if it is our fault that their mom is in the mess she is in. Please help, I feel like I hate them and want them out of our lives, but their dad loves them to death" --Distressed Stepmother

Dear Distressed,

Of course he loves them. He's their dad and they're his kids. The reality is that parenting is one of the hardest things we do in this world and step-parenting is particularly difficult. It's only natural to want the kids to like you and to be fair about things, but this may not be the case.

You need to understand a couple of things. They are, of course, very concerned about their mother. They love her, just as your husband loves them. It's natural and if she's struggling, they will naturally want to defend her and maybe even to blame others for her problems.

We usually want to believe only the best about those we love.

The other thing that needs to be said is that parenting isn't always the friendliest job. All parents come to realize they can't be their kids' best bud. Sometimes kids need you to be tough with them. Make them go to the dentist, do their homework and earn some of their benefits (they have to learn about adulthood sometime). Kids like none of this and parents get to be the enforcer. We ground them, take away their phones when called for and refuse to let them do things that don't seem safe.

As the step-parent, you also need to be aware that it generally works best for the biological parent to do most of the heavy lifting. These are his kids and he needs to be the strong arm when dealing with their issues. I'm not saying that step-parents aren't important or that they shouldn't have a say--they should, but he needs to be the one getting most of the heat from the kids. It's just his role.

Parents are generally party-killers...and that's part of the job.

Your step-kids may resent you, at times, but your love for their father and your hope for your own well-being means you need to avoid casting them in the role of enemy. You don't have to like them all the time--we don't always like the ones we love--but you have to be fair and reasonable. If you can't function for their best good, you probably don't need to be married to their father.

# # #

Do you ever feel Under-Loved? This is an experience you may have every now and then, even if you're in a relationship that you feel is good most of the time. There are times, however, when your significant other doesn't act like he cares about you or what you want. Your birthday or anniversary is missed, he doesn't say he loves you when he hangs up the phone (or any other time, for that matter) or he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with just you.

If Valentines Day is typically a disappointment or if she's missed an event that's important to you, you don't feel cared for. In relationships, we have times when we don't feel like we're at the top of our mates' list. This is not okay. If you don't talk about it--yes, sometimes you're just being over-sensitive, but sometimes, you have a point--things will get worse. Once unaddressed disappointments enter into the relationship picture, things start going downhill.

Too many people lose relationships because they don't talk about issues. Maybe it's silly. Maybe not. If issues come around again and again, they need discussion. The under-loved moments need to be out-weighed by the really-loved moments for a relationship to be worthwhile.