GRIEF AND LOSS

A few weeks back my husband, Dr. Roger Doss, and I gave a continuing education workshop for about 100 professionals in the mental health field. The topic was grief. Because Roger and I enjoy presenting workshops in an interactive style, we started this one by asking the participants to write down--anonymously--their greatest losses. We asked them to be very brief, putting life changing moments into a sentence or two that they then handed back to us.

The results were moving and profound. Never think mental health professionals have had perfect lives and don't know how you feel. There is no such thing as a perfect life.

When we gathered the responses we received a range of situations that told of deep, distressing, painful losses. Everything from the somewhat standard losses--"my grandmother died"--to the situations that most likely made the news--"my husband killed our infant child". This being said, grief never feels standard when it's yours.

Lots of different situations brings grief. Death of a loved one. Divorce or relationship break-up. Aging or the loss of one's health. A close friend who decides not to be your friend anymore or even the loss of a community, the break down of a church or a group of friends--all this can prompt great feelings of loss.

We've all heard about the Stages of Grief and the order in which individuals deal with the emotions of loss, but this order is truly different for different people. Some people skip some steps altogether. Loss is a unique experience and there is no standard response. Some people cry openly; some rail angrily. Some are silent and stoic. Don't think these different ways of responding to loss means that individuals don't feel genuine pain.

It's very important to respect the experience and allow individuals to react in their own ways, in their own time.

This variance, however, makes it very awkward to know what to say to a grieving person. Compassionate individuals can struggle to know how to be with grieved persons. The loss experience can bring sadness, anger, relief and guilt. Crippling guilt, actually, which comes mostly from our understandable desire to control the events impacting us ("I should have done something...") to a largely irrational self-blame. Sometimes our regrets fuel guilt. And who doesn't have regrets?

Loss brings change. Sometimes big change. Whether this loss means finding a new place to live or work after a relationship ends or if the grieved person faces big changes in his financial situation now that he's a single wage earner, these changes impact lives beyond our missing the person who's gone. Insult to injury. Sadness and stress seems piled on. Sometimes life definitions must be changed--from married person to divorced person, from a wife to a widow. This can be unsettling on so many levels.

And then what? How do you move on? Do you move on? Is it wrong to move on?

Sometimes creating a new life seems awkward and we struggle with not accepting we have to go on without the lost person. Sometimes we've forgotten how to function without them in our lives. When relationships end through divorce or death, some individuals jump into other relationships, not wanting to deal with everything that comes with being alone. I've known individuals to marry again only months after the death of a much-loved spouse. Some people try to deal with loss through avoidance or denial.

Individuals can even start living very different kinds of lives. They make massive changes, jumping out of airplanes, changing careers, divorcing their spouses or dying their hair pink. Loss affects us profoundly. We have a tendency to be blown away by this kind of experience, having never thought we'd be without this person or this role.

From the outside, others may have an urge to make the grieving individual face the situation. We can want to conduct interventions.... We need to think about this carefully and only voice our concerns when the grieved is considering dangerous choices. In intervening, we run the risk of insisting they grieve on our time schedule, in our ways, rather than theirs.

Whether you're dealing with loss and grief or attempting to be with someone you care for who's facing this, you might want to talk to a professional. Not because we have magic answers, but because we're trained to listen, to give you space and not to judge.

Because when you're grieving, you need to be kind to yourself...and it's not always easy to know what that means.

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

"My family is constantly squabbling. We're more or less obsessed with being right and pointing fingers at the person who's wrong(always someone else). It doesn't really help that my son and husband...get so incensed that within seconds of the start of an argument, they're already shouting. They never actually listen to the other person's side of the argument and consider whether or not it's reasonable. When it's clear that one person isn't getting across to the other, we starting insulting each other, such as comparing one person to the father (who's known for his ill temper and violent nature) or to the mother (who's overweight and said to be careless with her money). We never get the arguments resolved and it seems like the only thing we get is more shouting and headaches.

My son is diagnosed with ADHD, but I see this as little reason to let him do whatever he wants. Whenever I come into his room while he's working (or gaming), he always tells me to 'bother someone else'. I've been working in the hallway in the house, and when I ask him not to sleep on the couch there because his snoring disturbs my work, he refuses to leave. He's also taken to heating up pieces of paperclips with a lighter, which I've asked him not to do because I'm worried he might hurt himself or set something on fire, but he disregards my warnings.

There's a total lack of connection between us. There was one time when I was having a webcam conversation with a friend...when my son came over to help me with a computer issue. He was a bit camera shy and so to disguise his nervousness, he started messing with my computer while I was chatting, occasionally blocking the camera with a piece of paper and other things. I just interpreted it as the things he normally did to annoy me, so I didn't do anything about it. At some point, he went and disabled the internet, and when I asked him to fix it, he told me to go fix it (myself). He said I shouldn't be using the webcam because it ruined the privacy of our house. He also said that since he'd paid for half the the laptop I was using, he had the right to tell me not to use it....I didn't know what to do, so I went outside for a walk. When I came back, he had accessed my computer and blocked all social websites on my computer--gmail, facebook, yahoo, etc. I got him to show me how to unblock them later when I got him to tell me why he was so upset.

I'd ask my husband to help me with my son, but he has taken to neglecting the situation and if he doesn't do something about it, we end up in screaming and yelling and nothing gets settled. I want to establish more calm in the house, so we can talk things out rationally. I don't want any more disasters like the one I described above."--Stressed Mother

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Dear Stressed Mother,

Number one, you have more going on here than squabbling and number two, you son does feel connected to you, just not in a good way.

Still, this can't be fun. The parental unit is the foundation for the family and you'll get the best results by you and your husband learning to work as a couple. If you two want to change the yelling, screaming part, you need to work on having different behaviors yourself. This can be difficult, but it is do-able.

I don't know if your son is an adult, a teen or a school-age kid, but his age doesn't make any difference--his behavior is unacceptable. That being said, he's not going to even try to change as long as he's witnessing that behavior from you and your husband. Why should he? (I'd tell you your son's being horribly rude, but I suspect there has been a lot of rude behavior in the family in general.)

The winning/losing thing usually occurs when individuals feel smaller and less powerful. This is seen often in foster kids who've witnessed really bad, sad behavior and who've suffered a great deal of loss. Do any of you in the family actually see your own personal power? It doesn't sound like any of you feel that the others care much.

It's very clear that no one in the home is listening to anyone else. That much is obvious.

Listening requires you to shut up, put your own thoughts and feelings aside long enough to actually get what the other person's saying. Not that you always agree with him, but that you understand how he feels and sees things. You'll need to repeat this back to him to make sure you heard right. We often stick our own interpretations in, failing to actually hear what's said. Sometimes what's meant isn't clearly spoken, either.

This is hard for lots and lots of folks, not just you.

If your son's an adult, he may feel he needs financially to stay in the home and resents this, at the same time. Having him there might provide a strange kind of comfort for you. Sometimes we get used to the status quo, even when it's not all that good. We get comfortable.

Change is scary, but lots of change is needed here.

* * *

Mental health issues have gotten a lot more acceptable in the last few years and this is a very good thing. Secrecy tends to make difficult experiences worse. Along with this growing acceptability, lots more people are taking medication for a variety of difficulties, including anxiety and depression.

These meds can be very helpful, but don't allow yourself to believe that pills alone will help you work out relationship issues. Your relationship will definitely be effected if one or both of you have mental health problems for which you need meds, but the actual conflicts between you? They need something more.

You need to communicate. Yes, the dreaded and over-used "C" word.

Don't surrender to the belief that you should just get over problems in the relationship. You might benefit from medication, but you'll still need to feel listened to and understood for your relationship to get better. You both need to feel valued and heard by your partner or the love between you will droop and die like a flower on a wilting vine.

Love needs care and feeding. So do you.

SHE'S AFRAID OF GROWING UP

"My daughter and I seem to be constantly at odds. We have always had a very close relationship until about 18 months ago. She went to college about 30 minutes from home, living in the dorm for the first year. Then she returned to attend a local college, living at home. Now, she stays out all hours of the night, brings her friends over at midnight to watch movies or sleep over. She sometimes leaves kids I don't know in the house when she goes to class the next morning. She and her friends are loud at night when my husband, step-son and I all have to go to work the next day. If I dare say anything to her, she yells, cusses and back talks me horribly. She does no chores around the house and very rarely picks up after herself. She works, but uses her money for her gas, movies, eating out, etc. She expects us to pay her cell bill, car insurance(we bought her car), and her school expenses(books and fees). She has gotten grants and scholarships to pay tuition, though she has taken school loans on her own, just to go shopping. Any advice I try to give her regarding the way she blows her money results in her screaming at me, cussing me and telling me it's her life, she's 19 and can do whatever she wants. We have argued over my wanting to always know where she is. She has developed a habit of driving about three times a week to a town about 120 miles from our house to go bar hopping. She says she's not drinking(she's underage) and is just dancing. But it worries me with her being on the interstate so late at night. She leaves for the bar around 10:00 p.m., stays at the bar until 3:00 a.m., and rarely gets home before 6:00 a.m. She usually has friends with her, but I'm not sure young girls alone in a situation like this are particularly safe. So, I make her tell me when she is going, text me when she arrives and let me know when she's on the road headed home. Of course, this keeps me up all night as well. She rarely gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and neither do I. I have told her that if she flunks out of school, I will no longer pay her car insurance or phone bill. She ended up dropping most of her classes last semester because she got so far behind because she didn't attend class. It was either withdraw or accept failing grades. Again, every time I say anything about this or question her about what she's doing or who she's with, I get cussed, hung up on, or screamed at. Of course, as soon as she needs money, she is all sweetness. For the past month, she has been staying with a friend who has very little parental supervision. I made a point today to touch base with the father of this friend, asking if it was okay that my daughter was staying there...and I gave him my number for emergency contact. I don't know this man...and don't know this friend, either. Now my daughter is very upset that I talked with the father and says he believes I am a stalker. Am I going overboard with trying to be aware of where my 19 year old is and who she's staying with? I'm not sure whether she needs more discipline(namely making her pay her own bill because that's the only way I can discipline her) or if I jus tneed to let her go, no questions asked, and just be there when she needs me."--Concerned Mother

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Dear Concerned,

Yes, you're going overboard, but it's very understandable. What you have is a tremendously mixed up situation and you're not alone in struggling with a teen trying to make the shift to adulthood.

Yes, I'd have the girl pay her own bills. Actually, I think you and your daughter have been so close that this transition to being an adult is hard for you both (not to mention your husband and his son). When parents have been very connected to kids, the growing up shift can be really hard. She needs to be an independent adult to prove to herself that she can make it without you. Sad as it is, she'll have to make it without you one day.

This is a difficult part of parenting, to doubt about it, but you need to do less.

First off, you have to stop treating her like an adolescent (even though she's acting like one). I know how difficult this is (from experience), but it's time for you to pull back. That doesn't mean she gets to trash your life, your house or your finances. You want to help her establish herself, which is very appropriate and loving, but stop staying up nights for her texts. Stop letting her have sleep-overs at your house like she's fourteen.

Actually, I think you're best letting her make those trips without any oversight from you. Let her go and say nothing. I wouldn't continue paying her gas, however. I also would think about (depending on what she earns) not paying her cell bill or giving her money. I wouldn't buy her clothes, either.

This is the bottom line for parental assistance...if the kid's making her own way and going to school, help her pay the necessities, but don't give her money to blow. Then, don't ask her how she spends her money. Her choice, not yours. If she's not in school, let her be a grown-up and support herself.

Don't expect her to be your friend. She's trying to establish a life without you and while this can be painful for parents, kids need to work out the kinks themselves. They need to know they can. If she's got scholarships, she's capable. She's a smart cookie, even if she's doing stupid things. Remind yourself of this: she can make it. She's able. Try really hard to butt out of her life, unless clearly invited. Then don't give advice unless this is requested. Even if it's requested, be slow to give it.

The very hardest thing to do is to believe in her, to ACT like you know she's capable, even when she's not acting very smart.

* * *

One of the hardest things to realize is that it's not what you say that counts, it's what you do. Don't get me wrong, talk is important. You need to communicate verbally, but it's easy to say stuff that doesn't match your behavior. When parenting, act like you believe in the kid, don't just say it. That means you don't rescue the kid from her own mistakes (if you really believe she can rescue herself). You don't give her money and things she can earn herself. You let her make her own way.

Actions speak way louder than words. This is true in romantic relationships, as well. Behave in a truly loving manner towards those you love. Sometimes that means having faith in them getting themselves out of messes, rather than running to their aid.

DEFAULT RELATIONSHIPS

Being alone can be a relief after a bad relationship, but most of us don't want to live our lives without a partner. Being with someone can be difficult, though. Most individuals would rather have a significant other than be alone. Just look at all the dating websites that have sprung up in the last few years and you'll have an indication of both the difficulty of being half of a couple and the human desire to have someone special in your life. This conflict has led to an increasing number of relationships in which you do more than settle. I'm not talking about the decision you make to deviate from your list of "Perfect Mate" qualities. This list is understandable, but hardly realistic, given that you probably wouldn't fit your own criteria. Lots of people make these lists and end up tossing them aside as reality intrudes. You may not end up with someone who has perfect teeth and perfect hair, but you need to consider more than this in order to truly connect with a potential mate. On more than one occasion, couples have come in for therapy with the same situation...they argue and fight over many issues and do this with a seeming lack of liking one another. Don't get me wrong, when in a big disagreement with a partner, most of us don't like our mates much, even if you're in love the partner. In some relationships, though, couples don't share much. They have differing values and goals and may not share interests in common. They don't make each other laugh much. When asked, they report not valuing much about the relationship...but they stay. Couples therapy is a process in which conflicts are addressed and the strengths in a relationship pointed out. Conflict resolution is encouraged and assisted. Basically, I want the couple to know how to deal with issues that arise between them. I want them not to need me. Successful therapy means working my way out of a job. In some couples, however, this process hits a big barrier. Some couples come in disliking one another and seem to lack both the motivation and ability to move through problems to a resolution. And yet, here's the hard part--the unhappy mates don't leave the relationship. They just stay and gripe an one another. When asked about this, people often report that they don't want to be alone. Default relationship. Even a bad connection is better than no connection at all. At least this way, you have someone to fight with. Ugly, unhappy interaction is still interaction. In default relationships, you've given up hope of finding a better match. You've generally found a bunch of failure in intimate interactions with others and you've chucked the idea that you can find someone with whom you'll actually be happy, or you've decided you won't be happy with anyone else, so it's better to be unhappy with someone. In this kind of situation, individuals complain to me about a variety of things they don't like in their mate and then, when asked about the good, offer very faint praise. "Well, he means well...." "At least she doesn't cheat...." "Oh, he can be okay sometimes...." I'm never quick to judge the value a person gets out of a relationship. This isn't my job. If they're interacting, they're getting something out of it, but anyone in this kind of relationship needs to ask themselves whether they're there because they have no belief in finding/creating a happier, healthier interaction. Maybe you stay in this relationship because you don't have faith in yourself. As I've said way too often (one of those things my kids mouth behind my back)--relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. That and be parents. Never judge yourself for struggling with this. We ALL struggle with this, at times, and many of us struggle much of the time, trying to connect with intimate partners. But default relationships are, in their nature, doomed to continue our defeat. You can't work your way out of a bad match just by trying harder. If big, big issues lie between you two and you struggle to deal with conflicting values, the prognosis can be dim. If you want very different lives and don't really like each other much, staying connected is hollow at best. While some individuals date/marry/live with partners they don't dislike, but aren't in love with, they need to ask themselves if they're doing anybody good. A not in love with relationship may offer occasional sex and have the benefit of another beating heart somewhere in the home, you really deserve better. You and your partner deserve to be valued and to be in love. Don't give up on yourself.

ADULT DAUGHTER & MOTHER FIGHT

"My mother and I--along with she and my sister--have been fighting. She is erratic and moody. Today things took a very bad turn. I had planned to visit my parents today (they live about 8 miles away), but my mother called while I was preparing to leave and said my father was sick with a severe cold. I said I wouldn't be coming then, since my kids had just gotten over being sick and I did not want them exposed again. She then said she missed the kids and still wanted to see them. I responded that she'd seen them just three days before and could see them again when dad was better. My mother then said if I didn't care and wouldn't come that day then I should never come back again. She hung up on me. I called back ten minutes later, after I'd calmed down, but she didn't pick up the phone. I left a message that said if she couldn't quit being stubborn and listen to my concerns, then I would listen to her and stay away from her home. When I arrived home, she'd called 20 times, almost minute by minute, and didn't leave any message. On the very last hang-up she said I needed to change my message to "Have a have a nice f****** day." I didn't respond to her calls. This isn't the first time she has done things like this and I've just let them go because of her moodiness. I do not like the conflict and would like a solution to our problems, but she will not be civil. My father has called me in the past, asking that I apologize to help her calm down. My father and I have had to call 911 before when she threatened suicide. She went then into a secure facility for help, but only stayed for a night and before coming home. I'm scared for her and for my kids when they are with her. I do not leave them alone with her anymore. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. This is hurting myself, my kids, my husband and my dad, as well as, my sister and her children. There is so much conflict that it's tearing everyone apart and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not looking to be right or vindicated. I want help to try and resolve this situation for the health of my whole family. I don't know where to start...."--Upset Daughter

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Dear Daughter,

This is a mess and it sucks, I know. You've dealt with your mom's highly-emotional behavior in the past and I'm guessing you, your sister and your father have done quite a bit of egg-shell-walking to keep from upsetting mom. I wish I had a magic word that could drain all the conflict from relationships, but I don't.

This isn't going to come as a surprise to you---you can't change your mother. You just don't have the power. She's in charge of herself and her behavior, not you. You have to take care of yourself (and your kids and husband) and give mom the consequences of her behavior. You have to leave your dad to fend for himself. He's made choices in his relationship with her for years. His life; his choices.

The business with you and your mom is not so not simple.

First, separate out in your mind, your mom's erratic behavior (throwing a fit because you wouldn't bring the kids that day, blowing up your phone machine like an insane headcase, et cetera) from what you contributed to this fight. I'm guessing you were still really mad when you left that message that "if she wouldn't quit being stubborn and listen to [your] concerns, then [you] would stay away from her home".

Come on, who wouldn't be?

Given a rewind button, you might not have said that, but your mom's tantrums aren't new to you. She's obviously run amok before and you've, just as obviously, swallowed a lot, what with not liking conflict and your dad urging you to adopt his placating position. Frankly, most people don't like conflict between themselves and those they care about.

Your making-nice with your mother hasn't changed things. Not really.

Maybe it's time you accepted that her behavior is in her control. You can't change her. You do, however, get to decide that to which you expose your kids, your husband and your self. You probably need to limit your interaction with your mom. Really limit it. Don't tell her what to do, just don't be available for tantrums or abuse. No apologies, no colluding with dad to "keep her happy."

Think of it this way--your mom's behavior has worked in the past. She's got her husband and kids jumping through hoops when she's upset. This isn't good for anyone. It's not made your mom particularly happy, either, even if she calms down at the moment.

You've told your kids that certain behaviors are acceptable and others aren't. Isn't it time you did the same with your mom?

* * *

One of the hardest situations in life confronts us when the people we love make bad choices. Whether this is a spouse who's over-drinking or adult children who don't pay their bills, we sometimes have to face the reality that we can't change others.

Don't think you just need to say the right thing. People respond less to verbal interaction than to changes in your behavior. If you keep yammering about what you don't like, but continue destructive relationships, the message is only that you're a bitch. Others know when you don't want to change things and you'll tolerate crap.

Even when sweet words are spoken, the actions that accompany this speak most loudly.

The hard part is to change you--your part. Look hard and long at what you're contributing to unhappy relationship situations. You can change your behavior very directly. Changing others isn't as easy.

CHEATING AND GUILT

"My girlfriend and I have been together for two years no. In the beginning, we had our ups and downs and we both made mistakes and cheated. I cheated because I was still immature. It was no fault of hers. She cheated because I was being so neglectful, which we now know is because I was being unfaithful myself. Well, we have both been faithful for about a year now, but she is still not able to forgive herself for what she did to me, even though I have. It's gotten to the point that it's tearing us apart and that's the last thing we want. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help her forgive herself and for us to be alright again. What can we do?"--Now Faithful

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Dear Faithful Now,

It sounds like you're giving yourself both too much credit and too much blame in this situation. You're definitely at fault for cheating in the first place (this is a choice you did make) and it sounds like you're saying that it's somehow your fault that she cheated (not your fault). So, both your infidelity and her infidelity were your fault? (You weren't paying enough attention to her, so she HAD to cheat, too?)

Don't think I'm being flippant or dismissive here. Cheating is a big deal in committed relationships. It cuts to the core and is always harmful, even if the cheated-on mate doesn't find out. I think it's important, though, for you to both have the power of choice. You didn't make her cheat. This was something you both did--You both made bad choices.

As to how to "get over" the past, I think you need to actively deal with the issues between the two of you. You need to be as direct as possible and learn how to talk/listen to one another. Believe me, this isn't simple.

Feeling guilty over the cheating is reasonable. It's appropriate. We feel bad when we break promises, hurt others or do things that contradict our own values. In this case, feeling bad about the choice makes sense. Living in the past, however, ususally means that current issues aren't being addressed.

There's stuff still there, under the rug. You need to dig it out.

There's a whole range of possibilities here--I'm just guessing. Lots of stuff could be going on both between you and in you. The problem is that whatever is happening is hurting the relationship. You two need some honest talk about the things that make you crazy and yes, these things can seem small and piddly (but still really annoying).

Work out the issues between you and the past will fade.

* * *

You may have stood up before God and witnesses, swearing your troth only to one another--or you just may have a commitment between the two of you. Either way, cheating is a bad idea.

There are even websites devoted to helping you find others to cheat, but stepping out on your significant other is a lousy way to handle the conflicts in the relationship. Many people cite multiple reasons they cannot leave their current relationships, saying they have to cheat, but this is wrong in multiple ways.

1. "We have kids together and I don't want to break up the family."

2. "I don't want to lower my standard of living by leaving my mate."

3. "A divorce would mean I've failed."

4. "My parents/her parents would be very upset if we divorced."

5. "I want to stay with him because I love him, but things aren't good now. So, cheating seems okay."

6. "I want it all--him and other sexual partners--even if he's not okay with this."

7. "It just happened."

This last one is particularly confusing because someone unzipped something in order to get naked enough to have sex. You don't just stumble and fall on someone else's private parts.

When we make lousy choices, we feel bad. Maybe not initially, but eventually. Usually, the bad feelings are all mixed up with other feelings. Cheaters tend to have moments of euphoria and a sense of great connection with the person they're seeing on the side. This "soul-mate" sense is an illusion, though. Affairs that turn into committed relationships tend to end up in the same, sad place at some point, with the individuals involved then finding themselves wanting to cheat on the person they previously cheated with.

It's not a pretty cycle.

So, just don't. Even if the temptation is overwhelming. Go home and talk to your committed partner. Talk about the hard stuff. Work really, really hard on listening. Even if it hurts.

You may end up leaving that relationship anyway, but at least you'll avoid the drama and guilt associated with infidelity.

Let's just leave out the spiritual or religious aspects of this and concentrate on what you're doing to yourself.

EMOTIONAL STRATA

Whether you marry or live together or just date, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Most adults have a string of relationship experiences of various durations. Some are longer; some shorter, but the theme of "this is hard!" ties it all together.

And it is hard.

Just finding someone you like, who also likes you is difficult as evidenced by the number of dating sites out there. There's even a dating app, if you want one for your smart phone. With all this hooking up and all the genuine emotion that goes into it, you'd think we'd have more success.
When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, it's really easy to wonder if there's something just wrong with you. Somehow, we feel personally flawed and bad about ourselves when relationships end. There is a reality that it takes two people to make a relationship, but only one to break it up. Just in the nature of things, relationships are cooperative, mutual endeavors.

It's no one person who makes or breaks the thing. Don't let yourself believe that it's all my fault. People tell me all the time that their mates are perfect and wonderful, but they are all messed up. I always tell them that this belief gives them way too much power. Everyone contributes to relationships (power) and everyone is involved in the break-up. It's never just one person's fault.

Yes, many things slant the troubles--getting messed up in drugs; having an alcohol problem or just being unable to keep it in your pants--all this works to end relationships. We can't, though, assume all the blame. Relationships involve two people.

It's a very challenging when you're faced with needing to decide whether a relationship is working--or can be made to work. This is why I wrote my book, Should I Leave Him? While the (publisher's) title slants this toward female readers, it really examines the process of deciding what to do with relationships and offers specific suggestions and ideas.

So, okay. The relationship's over and you feel compelled to find someone else right away, someone who really likes you. Someone to counteract the idea that you're a screwed up, useless human being (which your ex may have said). Totally understandable feelings; not such a good actual idea.

Grabbing at the first chance of a relationship may mean you can put off the being alone part a little longer, but it doesn't give you a great shot at making this next relationship more successful than the last. Successful relationships are typically built on shared values. If you and your next hook up have very different desires in life, you probably won't be in this next relationship, either.

Too many times, we jump from one relationship to another, building up layers of failed interactions. This really doesn't help self-esteem, even if you tell yourself you just found one loser after another. You'll notice--even if you don't talk about it--that the common denominator for all these relationships, is you.

Back to square one--you feel like a loser. Even if you play your emotional cards close to your vest, you'll probably feel bad about yourself inside.

So, do your best to skip the Emotional Strata of one bad relationship layered on top of another. Even if you have gaps between significant others, even if you have to face life alone for awhile, you're better off getting involved with someone who wants the same things you want.