TOUGH TO BE THE TOUGH ONE

"I'm writing this because I need some advice. I really don't know how you will help me with this, but I figured I'll write. I just found out that my mom has tumors in her stomach and she might have ovarian cancer. I've been the 'hard a**' during this situation, trying to keep hope alive, but I'm extremely tired of playing this role. ...My plans with my boyfriend are once again on hold.... It seems like I can only run to my best friend and...I don't want to drag her into this situation because she's been my [strength through] all my problems. So now I only have a pillow to hug because I'm dealing with this crap alone.

I can't shake this dream I had three weeks ago that my mom and my boyfriend's best friend's mother were dead. ...I feel this dream was a warning.... My mom has [multiple serious health issues]. She's only 53 years old...and she's not supposed to be dying. I've already lost my father in '08... I would really like my mom to be here when I have a family of my own. I really don't know what to do at this point, but sit in the dark alone. How can I rectify this situation or cope with this better?"--L

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Dear L,

My sympathies on the loss of your father. You are in a terribly stressful situation, already suffering the loss of one parent and now facing the likelihood of being completely orphaned by the possible death of your mother. It's understandable that you've tried to be the Rock, the tough one in the face of your mother's bad health, but it's important that you get some care for yourself. She has lots of people working to save her. Medical personnel who are trained in this. It's time to ask your mother's physician for contacts to local support groups. You're not the only one going through this and this isn't the time for you to try to tough it out.

You're dream is a reflection of your anxiety about this situation. Being worried about this is completely normal. NOT being worried wouldn't make sense, but your wanting to believe she'll pull through this is also completely normal. Sometimes life isn't fair. You've been dealt a rough hand. Your grief and fear fit this situation, but that doesn't mean you can't come through it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the tunnel is impossible.

You asked how you can rectify this situation, how you can cope with it better. Sadly, you can't fix your mother's health. You also need to stop trying to tough this out alone. You need to let a bigger circle of friends into your grief. Be okay with asking for help. It may not be comfortable, but this is vital. Give yourself permission to let others be with you. Your mom needs you to be okay. Don't just take care of her, take care of you by letting others be with you now.

* * *

Forgiving others when they've offended you is a very difficult path. I'm not in favor of trying to forgive those you're letting continue to offend you, but hanging on to grief and anger helps no one. Sometimes forgiveness is a release.

Harboring hatred and anger only hurts the vessel, the one holding the scalding emotions. We get confused about forgiveness, considering that we need to act as if the offense never happened. This behavior comes closer to being denial than forgiveness.

When you've been offended by another individual--this can include anything from the murder of a loved one to infidelity--think carefully about what you need at this moment...and then yield the offender to the universe. We don't always see it, but actions bring consequences. This can be the end of a marriage or a life-long battle with innumerable personal issues. Bad relationship outcomes, difficult parenting relationships or even health problems--all of these can be the results of poor choices.

You might not see the universe delivering consequences, but actions always yield these. Sometimes the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to let others' come by the results of their choices. We don't have to hate or worry or harbor ill will.

We get what we deserve, even if that isn't always seen. You don't have to go on hating or hurting. Forgive the offender and let yourself start healing.

Think carefully about whether your anger is hurting the offender or hurting you.

ARE YOU A "GOOD KID"?

Parents want them and most kids want to be them, but its a not necessarily a good thing to be The Good Kid. Most families have one of these, the kid who always does what their parents want--at least when they're observed--and get most of the parental kudos. These are the ones who take pride in trying the hardest and shining the brightest.

Parents brag about their accomplishments and these don't often make mistakes, but this position isn't usually the best for the kid. Their always good in comparison to the sibling who is the bad kid. This places a wedge between siblings that sometimes never heals.

In family after family, the story is the same--good kids tend to bear more responsibility and they can earn parental admiration for never screwing up or not causing their parents anxiety. The other kids in the family usually know which one has this position and, even if they rely on the good child, they tend to resent them.

Good children bear the weight of never messing up when most of life's best lessons involve messing up. That is sadly how most individuals learn. We make choices that work for us and choices that don't. The difference between these helps us see the best path(unless some well-meaning adult steals our learning opportunities by stepping in to clean up our mistakes). The position of good child tends to lead to deception on the child's part, too, because they're trying hard to hang on to the coveted position. When they step out on the wild side, they make sure their parents know nothing about it.

Good children the world over spend their younger years trying to make everything okay for their parents and in this they feel a need to hide their own missteps. In the absence of strong parenting, they can feel the need to become parental themselves. There are big consequences for a parentified child. They are bossy with younger kids and they brown-nose adults with whom they want to ingratiate themselves.

The problems with this position linger into adulthood, but the perks don't usually follow. Good children feel defined by this position and they don't want to give up their limited power. Who wants to be dethroned? Some take role into adulthood, seeking careers that continue the always-good position; for example minister, police officers, and helping professions. These roles can be very valuable, but continuing to suppress your own inclinations and stay in the role the good kid can be limiting.

Parents need to look hard at their actions with their children. We tend to smile on the child who doesn't give trouble, but to step in to clean up messes for the "less-able" child. The one that screws up the most and seems to need assistance. Whether these are the kids who develop drug and alcohol problems or has bad relationships from which you must rescue them, think hard before you step in. The good child will feel angry and unacknowleged--possibly chastising you for using their inheritance and your good will on the bad child--and the bad child is weakened by your lack of belief in his or her ability to clean up their own messes.

Parents feel bad when they prefer one child over the other, but they need to go beyond just trying to make sure the Will is fair. They need to examine themselves and the family they created to find understanding of these dynamics.

Don't stay stuck in being the good child. You don't need this role to be a good person or to achieve those things you want in your life, even if letting go of it can be very difficult.

OKAY WITH BEING A "SIDE PIECE"?

I always learn things from my job--both things about myself and things about the world. This week a client used a phrase that very clearly summarizes what many folks are dealing with. She said her relative is okay with being a side piece.

Lots of people are dealing with relationship issues. Trouble in this area is wide spread. But when does cheating around become okay? When is it just a method for avoiding relationship or personal problems.

A side piece, by this client's definition, is a woman or man who's content with being the other, the one a married individual sees on the side. Non-primary relationships have both an advantage and a disadvantage in that regular life isn't the focus. Because of the secrecy involved, issues of money and kids don't usually intrude. Extra-marital or non-primary relationships have an urgency, an intensity that's fostered by secrecy. In this pressurized situation, the relationship feels highly intense and very powerful.

Some have likened it to a drug addiction. They say they are addicted to the lover, to the secret codes, the text messages and private phone calls. This can feel like something you do just for yourself when you do little for you, focusing more on the roles of parent, employee and spouse. This affair is something you're doing just for you.

Powerful.

People in this situation usually have arguments with themselves. They know they should quit and fly right, but they can't stop craving interaction with the other person. This can feel like an obsession. In the middle of birthday parties for your children and family holidays, you try to sneak off to exchange private phone calls, steal furtive time together. Soul mates forced into clandestine, tawdry relationships.

Typically, there are powerful reasons for staying in the primary relationship. The biggest of these is the sharing of children. Whether you've borne kids together or just engaged in a loving caretaker role with a child not biologically your own, this is a strong influence for lots of people. You don't want to damage the children or to lose your own interaction with them. Many of us have grown up in broken homes. We know the conflicts divorce and separation can bring for children and many promise themselves they'll never make their kids suffer these.

Some of those cheating don't want to leave their primary mates for money reasons, but these aren't usually as big as the fear of being alone. Yes, that may sound a little crazy since the cheater has a soul mate cheating with him or her, but these are often two married people. The timing of one leaving--and the other possibly not leaving--is complex.

There's also the pesky emotional left-overs to deal with. You may have been with your primary relationship partner for years. Even though you're not in love anymore, you're still attached to your mate. You certain don't wish him or her harm. Usually. Not really. You're also not sure you want them completely out of your life, dating others and not responding super-fast to your calls?

This can be a very complicated situation.

Oddly enough, the stats aren't good on those who end their primary relationships and get with the person they've been cheating with. Soul mates deal with real life and usually with disillusionment.

Being a side piece, however, is also a complicated role and one in which you won't either learn to deal with your issues or learn how to be fully in a relationship. It can also mean spending holidays alone and never being able to talk to your parents and friends about the person you consider most connected to you.

Sorting all this out can be very difficult. No one else gets to tell you when you need to leave your primary relationship (friends and relatives may try), but no one can force you to leave your affair, either. Affairs don't produce significant long-term happiness. They just don't, but lots of people are engaging in this seemingly non-productive behavior.

One of the reasons I wrote my book Should I Leave Him? was to help people struggling with this decision.

Dealing with relationship challenges is a very personal matter. Your mother/preacher/friend/therapist can't make the choices for you. It's your decision and you may need some help in finding the right path for you.

DON'T LET THE DELIVERY OVERWHELM THE MESSAGE

Do you listen well when you're being shouted at? Most of us don't. The delivery of the message makes a lot of different, but the urge to yell is powerful. This is particularly true when you're talking to a child or adolescent who blocks you out or when you have a lot of emotion about a situation.

We struggle as much with how to tell others what we need to say as with what to say and this is really important. No matter that we know we should listen as much to what's being said, we are tremendously impacted by the manner in which comments are made.

Individuals tend to shout when they perceive that the other person is not listening--as if volume will solve the problem, will make the other person hear us. The opposite is generally true, but it's very difficult to resist the tendency. If shouting or saying really ugly things is how you try to get others' attention, there's already a problem in the relationship. Neither of these choices increases the odds of you being heard.

If your boss yells at you and says you're an idiot, you probably get mad, too, but do you actually get what he's mad about? Do you even care? Yelling may gain some attention, but it doesn't usually help get the message across.

It's important to realize what's going on with you when you're delivering your message with non-functional heat. When you're yelling, what are you feeling? Simple question, but it takes some thought to work this out.

Usually when you're at the shouting point, your focus is on the other guy. He's the problem(the jerk!). You may even defensively say that he's making you yell. Don't let yourself buy this. I don't want anyone else that in charge of my emotions. No question that you're upset with the other guy; mad; furious; whatever.

You are in charge of you, however. You get to decide how you handle the problem in front of you. Yes, you're very impacted by others--at work and at home--but you're still in charge of yourself. Our society is founded on the shared belief that you're responsible for your actions. Others can't make you scream or hit the wall or throw a tantrum.

They can make you want to do these things, but you still get to be the king of your personal kingdom. (And if someone is this irritating to you most of the time, you might want to reassess the relationship.) I'm not suggesting you never raise your voice. Using strong words that actually say what your problem is, actually increases your chance of changing what you want changed. The first step, however, is to ask yourself what's really upsetting you. Don't just ask yourself once and glibly answer that they are upsetting you. Really dig deep.

Understanding your own reaction--your own feeling--will improve your communication. So will lowering the volume. We don't listen better to shouted words unless it's Fire!

We all want to be heard. But the louder and angrier we get in trying to be heard, the less likelier we are to actually get our message across. Try to remember this and don't give up. It's important for you to be heard.

GO AHEAD. COMPLAIN.

Expressing distress is both normal and functional, but lots of people are feeling guilty about this now. I'm not suggesting you complain your life away or that you shouldn't change the things you need to change, but don't give yourself grief because you have unhappy moments. Some things are bad, you don't need to say that your problem is not as bad as life in Japan right now. That's a given, but being worried about problems or being stressed about a decision is part of life. Quit feeling bad about feeling bad.

Whether you're depressed (and don't have any reason to be) or concerned about a relationship issue or having difficulty communicating with your mother--all these feelings are valid. Just because there are others in this world with bigger, badder problems doesn't diminish yours. You have a right to be upset about that which affects you. Your personal world.

You may tell yourself to get over it or to move on, but this doesn't make your concerns go away. Yes, having a perspective on what's good in your life is important. It's also best for your mental and physical health if you recognize your blessings. But this recognition doesn't mean you're supposed to be 100% worry-free all the time.

The best we can do is to strive for a balanced view. Driving a car that doesn't break down all the time is a constant pleasure and relief to me--as a teen, I pushed my car more than drove it. I had nightmares about being stranded, it happened so often. I feel blessed that I'm able to drive a safe, fun car.

That doesn't mean I don't have worries.

When matters get to the place that you have to hurry to mention that your life is really okay, you have to wonder if your guilt over having worries is appropriate. Life is a challenging, rewarding thing. You have wonderful moments (we hope) and difficult ones.

Celebrate the good ones, but don't apologize for the struggles. Some things just suck. Losing loved ones to death, divorce or distance. Watching those you love struggle (i.e. parenting) or losing things or opportunities you value is hard. In order to really be clear and to rejoice in the pleasures, you need to give yourself permission to hate the stuff that gets in the way.

This hate when purely experienced, doesn't take over your life. You just feel the feelings. It is an interesting phenomena that when we refuse to feel an emotion, it tends to cling...to hang around even longer.

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Go a day brooding about this. Be grouchy. Most of the time you'll find the feeling then drifts off like a cloud. If your depression, sadness or worry doesn't lift, you might need to consider talking to someone. This could be a friend or professional.

Some worries don't lift because a decision needs to be made or an action taken--usually an unpleasant action or a decision you don't want to make. We all face these and they generally suck.

Complaining is okay. It's a natural part of life as long as you don't let yourself get consumed and forget the good stuff in your world.

TOO CLOSE TO YOUR KIDS?

This may seem like a crazy question--or one you think refers to a really crazy situation--but it's a good area of debate. How close is too close? Kids need parents, no question about it. They need reliable, attentive, concerned parents who watch out for them when they're little and stay up with them in the night when they're sick.

They don't need to have to take care of you, their parents, when they're little themselves. Too many kids watch out for themselves because their parents are alcoholic, distracted by other relationships, emotionally disturbed, workoholic or drug addicted. This is all bad for kids because they don't have loving adults watching out for them. They feel they need to protect their parents and while kids are generally concerned for the ones they love, they don't need to be the adults in their parenting relationships.

But can they be too close to their parents?

Most parents don't worry about this. They have lots of other things to be concerned about, but there comes a point in kids' lives that they may need to distance themselves from their parents and this generally comes before their parents think they're ready to fly on their own.

So, what's to do? New research indicates that the human brain doesn't fully mature until individuals are around 25. This is much older than we'd previously thought. Before our society as viewed adulthood as coming at age 18. After this kids are automatically tried as adults for crimes, they're considered legally responsible for themselves and we let them enlist for military service at this age.

Are we sending children off to war?

Anyone who's parented an adolescent knows the complicated relationship that usually develops around this developmental stage. If you've had a generally uncomplicated parenting experience, the teenage years can come as a shock. Let's make it clear that not all people go through the same experiences in the same order. We're just talking about generalities. Most kids deal with needing to/wanting to create their own lives as they hit the high school years.

They enter into intimate relationships, seriously begin thinking about how they're going to live their adult lives and generally start keeping secrets from their parents. They may have always done this last part, but as kids get older they become more and more aware of being separate people. Individuals. They have their own opinions and want to make their own choices.

Some of those choices scare the bejeezus out of their loving parents.

What parent of a young adult hasn't worried about their financial choices? I know my husband and I are concerned about this, but at what age to you stop voicing those concerns? When is it really none of your business?

I've talked to parents of 35 year-old children who are still doing their kids dirty work, still cleaning up after them. Most individuals don't want this, either as a parent or as an adult child. So when do parents stop helping?

The transition from child to adult is a little like crawling from a ladder to a roof top--there's a scary moment when really bad things can happen, when you can lose your balance and end up in a bad way. We parents are very aware of the possibilities. Heck, we know our own mistakes and we want very much to warn our kids, to help them not make the same mistakes we made.

The closer the relationship, the more we want to be helpful. Maybe the issue is our closeness, maybe we need to look at the nature of closeness, of helping our kids. I realized as my own daughters began this shift that my comments and cautions weren't all that welcomed. As a matter of fact, they didn't want to hear what I thought of their relationship choices or how they spent their money.

At that point--after much gnashing of teeth and weltering in self-pity--I realized that the toughest, most loving thing we do for our children is...believing in them. Trust me, I know how hard this is to do when they're making bad, bad choices. Frankly, there were moments when I struggled, thinking I thought they were smarter than this. But perspective and much thinking about this helped Roger and I realize that our kids are intelligent beings. That may sound silly to say, but they are smart. Certainly intelligent enough to figure this adult thing out. They might make relationship/career/money mistakes, but don't we all at times?

The really smart part is when we learn from our mistakes. That's what it means to be close to our children. Letting them benefit from their own choices(mistakes). Letting them learn without rescuing them...and then preaching at them. Its understandably hard not to preach. Sometimes really, really hard. But it's do-able.

Love them and believe in them enough to stay out of the way when it's appropriate to stay out of the way. They're smart. They'll figure it out. Yes, you'll hurt while you watch them struggle. You'll want to rush in to take away the hurt. But remember, if you do that, you're taking away some of the learning, too.

TOO LATE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

No one else can tell you when its time for you to move on, to leave a relationship behind. Lots of people may want to, the individuals to whom you've complained about your mate or the one's who've patched you up when things got rough.

Still, they don't get to make this decision.

I see lots of couples who are at difficult spots in their relationships. Sometimes individuals come in, asking whether or not they should leave their partners. Despite the degrees on my wall, my years of experience in working with couples and my own personal experience--having a long term mate--I still don't have the right to answer this question for anyone else.

Even when they want me to, and sometimes they really want me to tell them what to do because they're not sure. I get that. Relationships are incredibly complicated. Even when your spouse makes you crazy and drives you up a wall, you can still have loving moments that you don't want to let go of.

I get all that.

This is why only you can decide whether it's too late for your relationship. I have lots of opinions about this. I think you should consider getting out if either you're physically abused by your mate or you're physically abusive of your mate yourself. This is a very bad thing to have in relationships and can (and should) lead to trouble with the law. At the same time, nothing makes us crazier than conflicts with the one we love most.

I also think you should consider getting out if you're only staying because you don't want to be alone. I know this is very scary and, trust me on this, its a very common fear. Lots of people are afraid of being alone. The difficulty finding partners is witnessed by the variety of dating sites available. Lots and lots of people are looking and many aren't finding anyone.

That still doesn't mean you need to stay. At least when you're looking you're giving yourself a chance at finding a relationship that works for you.

There is a tendency when you have big (or a bunch of small) unresolved conflict in relationships to ride along, hoping things will get better. Hoping you'll get over it, but time alone doesn't solve problems. Lots of people want to argue with me about this, but I've never found that time clears relationship problems. It can give you perspective, but just hoping things will get better overall doesn't yield any long term improvement.

When you have relationship conflict that's not resolved these issues may no longer be discussed, but they've not gone away. They sink to the bottom, like pond sediment, and eventually you're swimming in a very shallow relationship. Pretty soon, unresolved stuff between you turns to poison and kills the love you once felt.

Only you can say if its too late for your relationship--you and your partner. The relationship is the business of the two of you. Both partners have to commit to dealing with whatever issues. No one person can will it better or resolve matters alone. Even just giving in all the time to avoid problems doesn't really avoid anything long term. After a while you get tired of everything always going your partner's way, never yours.

Don't wait for your relationship to die. Don't be like too many of my clients and show up to get help when the relationship is gasping it's last breath. I see lots of people right before they call the divorce lawyer. Learn to deal with issues when they come up.

Give the love a chance to live a little longer. In my book Should I leave Him? I go much more in depth about this decision and attempt to give a framework which might help in the decision process, but only you can decide when you're done.