FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

"I have been married now eleven years to my high school sweetheart. We have four boys between the ages of 11 and one. About five months ago my father-in-law died after being diagnosed with cancer. Since then my husband has had to take over his business and he hasn't been able to grieve. He refuses to get professional help and has become very verbally aggressive toward me. I love him dearly, but I can't hold on for too long. His behavior had affected our marriage severely and it affects our boys."--signed Help

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Dear Help,

Accept my condolences on your family's loss. It sounds like this sad situation has shaken everything up. You're right that your husband is struggling with his grief, but there's still a result for his bad treatment of you. My recommendation is that you go for counseling by yourself. He may eventually join you and even if he doesn't, you could use the support. You're stressed too. Just having four young children makes for intensive parenting, not including the loss you've suffered. Sadly for you, this is a double loss--your father-in-law and your husband due to his grief and stress.

You're right that the situation isn't good for your children. Seeing you accept verbal abuse is abusive to them. Check out the recent literature on child trauma. Maybe your husband is so consumed in his own grief that he can't see the harm his actions are having, but this needs attention before the family falls apart.

* * *

Years ago when my daughter was small, she developed an illness that required longterm medication. She hated the taste of it and would run when it was time to take her dose. To get her to swallow the medicine, I actually had to pin her between my straddled knees to the floor and force it into her mouth.

Talk about trauma...and I don't mean trauma for her! She has no memory of the experience, but I sure do.

Not long ago, this same now-adult daughter had a kitten hanging around her apartment, clearly without a home or owners to care for it. Our family loves cats. But because she already has two kitty-buddies, she couldn't take in this new feline, no matter how cute it was. To her grave sadness, she knew she had to capture the kitten and deliver it to a shelter where someone else would hopefully adopt it.

This bruised her soft heart and she felt like she was actually betraying the kitten who let her close enough to capture it. Love is like that. Sometimes loving things look like mean things.
Loving others can be very difficult and we do things we hate having to do. No one talks about it much, but parenting involves quite a few of these moments. Incidents when the adult in the relationship has to do difficult things for the kids' own good. (There are parents who do bad things to their kids, claiming pure motives, but most of us really aren't that twisted.) Most of us love our kids with all our hearts and want only the very best for them.

Sadly, this requires us to insist they eat their vegetables, finish their homework and pick up their toys, none of which they like sometimes and none of which they want to do. But it's part of the parenting job description to insist on those things that are good for our kids, even if the kids don't like them.

We have many, many examples of parents and others treating kids badly--this is largely what Child Protective Services watches out for--but we also have an often unacknowledged reality to this parenting job. Sometimes we have to insist on our children doing things they don't want to do. In some cases, the kids have annoyed us to the point that following through isn't that hard--the little jerks deserve it! But sometimes we just hate being the bad guy, the one who administers punishments and lays down the law.

This is particularly true when the other parent is only too glad to be the good one, the fun parent, the one who never makes the kids do anything they don't want to do. But you know the truth that we all do things we don't want to do. Kids are smaller and weaker, but they still need to learn the lesson that others care most about actions and they'll get a lot further by taking care of responsibilities even when these aren't fun.

We all do things we don't want to do.

You, after all, probably go to work, sometimes at a job that doesn't value you or pay you near what your worth, but you do it to put food on the table and clothes on those kids you love so much. Some lessons are hard, but children need parents who love them enough to be the bad guy, to introduce them to shampoo and broccoli.

They may want cartoons, sugary cereal and toys strewn all over. They need you to follow through.

SNOOPING LEADS TO HURT FEELINGS

"I found an open email layed flat on my mother's desk. I thought I was superclose with my brother and sisters....until...I read [her] private email and I found myself in total shock as to how they gossiped badly about me, my married life and how I raise my children. They passed judgement. I went on reading everything entirely and they criticized me terribly. I was royally hurt. My own brother labeled me a schizophrenic.

Do you thing this is a sign of hatred towards me? Why on earth would a family member do such a thing? I don't talk negatively about them.

My husband doesn't want me to reconcile with anyone in my family. I am at a loss. I'm worried that if my husband runs into my brother in public, there will be an ugly fight. My husband is ready to punch him in the face. He is the strong one and he's always reminding me to ignore them.

Do you feel strongly that my siblings were wrong to do that behind our backs?"--Upset and Wondering About Family Counseling

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Dear Upset,

Yes, they were wrong to email their opinions around to other family members...and yes, you were wrong to read your mother's private email, even though it was lying on her desk in her bedroom.

We all have private opinions of our siblings' mates and if we're smart we'll keep our mouths shut about this. Even when the sibling in question asks your opinion, be very hesitant to give it. This is a very personal matter and one that's got hard feelings written all over it.

If you'd never read that email--snooping where you didn't belong--you'd have no idea that your brother and sisters felt this way and you'd go along living your life. Your relationship with your husband is your business, just like their marriages are their business. None of us get to vote on how others should live their lives or who they choose to be with.

Now that the situation's been split open by the email being left out and by your reading it, you have to decide what to do with your family interaction. You're understandably upset right now and your husband feels horribly mistreated, but you need to decide whether you want to be a voluntary orphan from now on. Are you ready to never speak to these people again? Even if some one's having a baby or lying in a hospital bed dying?

Most people have a hard time disconnecting completely even from family members who've been directly abusive. Your family's actions were ill-judged and indiscreet, but not really abusive. Still, it's hard to undo this kind of mess.

If you decide you still want them in your life in some capacity, you have to accept that they'll have private opinions about your relationship, your children and your hairstyle. As long as these are kept private, why should they trouble you? You've had moments, too, when you didn't see why they made the choices they've made.

Healing the breach or not is your call. I'm guessing although your husband was offended by what you read in the email, he'll probably be okay if you're okay. He'll probably go along with whatever you decide.

I recommend that if you try counseling or other means to put your family back together, you don't address specifically what you read in the email. While you may want to defend yourself against these accusations, it's pointless and a waste of time. Once again, everyone has their opinions.

Trust me, trying to talk about this won't go well.

Getting on with being a family will require you all to decide that you're important to one another...then agree to disagree. Agree also never to discuss any of these very personal matters. Everyone raises their kids the way they think best. Unless Child Protective Services needs to get involved, keep quiet about your opinions. This goes for marriages, too. Although some struggle with this, biological ties don't give the right to tell you what to do. Or you to tell them, either.

Although it'll probably go against your wounded grain to admit this, you were wrong to read the email. Your mom was wrong to invite you into her bedroom where the poisonous email lie open on her desk and your siblings were wrong to have sent it in the first place.

Everyone has at least a small portion of responsibility for the mess. You can walk away from the family with which you felt "superclose" before this or you can move forward, remembering that even those you love and who love you, aren't perfect.

* * *

It always gives me a pain when people grieve relatives who've died, but who they couldn't live peaceably with in this world.

While having relationships is the hardest thing we do, they're also the most potentially rewarding challenge you'll ever face. This doesn't mean that some relationships don't need to end. Some really do. If you weigh the good versus the bad--honestly--and you come to the realization that the relationship in question is costing you more than it brings you, then definitely end it. Just walk away.

Sadness typically comes with this decision. Not grieving the relationship the way it was, but the way it could have been, the way you wished it was.

But when a relationship falls into the gray area and you're just accustomed to the way it's been, you might want to give some consideration to where it fits in your life. Think hard about who is really important to you. Who you'd miss terribly if they were no longer in this world. Even siblings with whom you've always squabbled or parents who you've taken for granted may be missed horribly when they're gone.

We need to behave now as if we value the relationships we do actually value. It can be habit not to ever talk about love or friendship. We sometimes avoid awkward moments, times when we feel foolish or silly saying sappy things, but don't wait until the ones we care about are dead. Don't let yourself think vaguely that they'll always be here. Funerals are a lousy time to realize how much the deceased meant to you.

THE 3RD DATE RULE

The fallacy behind this is the assumption that you will know your dates by the third time you see him. Most relationships break-up over conflicts in how money is handled, followed closely by sex, children, in-laws and religion. I'd guess that disagreements over who does household chores make a close sixth.

Really...how much of this do you know about a person after the third date?

When the 3rd date rule is called in to play, individuals almost always have their sites set on creating relationships. They say they're looking for someone to share their lives with. That's the goal, not just sex.

The longing for emotional and sexual connection is almost universal. It's human nature to want to love and be loved. Lots of singles--and some marrieds!--populate a slew of on-line dating sites, looking for that intimate connection. Someone special. This primal search for mates has evolved into including the 3rd date rule for sex. Some individuals extend this to five dates, but that's no better than three.

If you want to jump into getting intimate with a guy you don't know--and there are people who seek this kind of non-intimate intimacy--just go for it. Why wait three dates? Sex with strangers provides limited benefits, but some people seek this because they view it as less emotionally risky. If they relegate intercourse to the level of, say, tennis, there is less chance of getting hurt.

For most people sexual intimacy changes relationships. Sex complicates things when the emotions in physical intimacy become part of the mix. Too-early and the activity can burden interactions with all kinds of expectations. While the term "dating" once meant spending time with a person and didn't imply any commitment, now dating usually involves sex and there is almost always expectation of faithfulness. Going outside the dating relationship for sex, whether it be physical or not, is considered cheating.

Sex is rarely simple--lots of people want it to be and some use porn because it offers eroticism without relationship. But the complications of sexual interaction--the feelings that come with it--also bring a richer reward: You matter to someone. Porn can't give you that.

We have our most intense emotions with those we love, both the warm, snuggly kind and the scary mad kind. We are our best and worst with the ones we love the most--those who are closest to the volcano, so to speak. Relationships are highly complicated and the struggle to work these out is universal. They offer not only the intense release of sexual interaction, but the chance to learn what we need to learn. We learn best in relationships and we hurt the most when they splinter.

Having healthy relationships requires us to learn to listen(this is much more difficult than it sounds) and to talk about our own feelings and desires. We have to learn to do these things in order to maintain good interactions, to keep feeling close and connected over the long-haul.

The hardest things we do in this world are relationship-oriented: parenting and marriage. Harder than brain surgery and rocket science. Think of it this way--you deserve the mess involved in loving someone. Relationships are difficult and annoying, but the rewards are tremendous. Not just better sex, but a better you. You learn about yourself and about how to interact better with others. Relationships teach us amazing things.

Just don't think you're going to get there by the 3rd date.

BREAK-UP SAVY

Okay this is a topic you never want to have to know about...but you may need.

When a couple hits more snags than they can stand, they often call it off. They break-up. This is an ugly process and this is often when couples seek counseling. They also go back to church, but that's another topic. So, if your relationship is teetering on the brink, listen-up. Here's what to do and not do.

Don't try to decide who's at fault:

This is a pointless process because you've both contributed to the problems. Even if one really contributed by cheating or otherwise betraying the relationship, everyone gives something to a relationship. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Don't Make promises that won't be kept:

Whether you make these to yourself or to your mate, don't commit to anything you probably won't do. In the throes of breaking up, we're inclined to feel desperate and to let that desperation push us into stuff. Don't agree to anything that you'll later resent and regret--moving, changing jobs, sending a child to live with the other parent, etc.

Don't ever talk about this to you mate's parents:

This is really hard, particularly when you think his or her parents like you a bunch and may keep your mate in the relationship. Don't. Please don't try to get your mate's parents on your side. Even if she/he cheated or did other bad things. Her parents are her parents. If they have to choose sides--which is typically the case in a break up--they'll choose their own child 99% of the time. This is normal. They love their child no matter what you say she/he's done.

Don't cry to the parents. Don't tattle to them. This won't help and it'll probably backfire on you.

Don't pull your kids into the break up:

Don't ask them to choose who to live with if they're under eighteen. Don't try to get them on your side. Be kind. This is your mess, your relationship difficulty. The kids didn't make this mess. Don't expect them to get you out of it.

Don't stay out of fear:

Lots and lots of us are afraid to be alone and stay in unhealthy relationships because we want to hear another voice in the same living space. Doing this, though, is acting as if you have nothing to offer. It is based in lack of self-belief. You have the capacity to handle life. Trust yourself.

Being in a relationship out of default or staying until you hook up with someone else will only shrink your self-esteem. You deserve better.

Do try to be honest with yourself:

Every struggle in your life presents opportunities. I know, I hate this too, but even if you really dislike this reality, you need to grab the good from the bad situation. There's lots here for you to learn. Stuff you need to know to keep from repeated the same disaster over and over. After all, you want to move on to other life lessons, right?

You need to see what you contributed to the break-up and be gentle with yourself. Even the best of us make mistakes...usually lots of them. The best you can do is learn from them.

Do go see a therapist:

This may seem self-serving of me since I am a therapist, but stick with me here. The unbiased nature of the job is part of a therapist or counselor's job description. Yes, you'll find therapists who insist you should stay in the marriage or that you should leave the relationship--there are variants to everything--but generally therapists will very readily acknowledge that this is your life. We get to comment-reflect-understand-ask questions.

You get to choose.

Think of it this way--if we got to tell you what to do all the time, we'd have to carry the blame for all the choices, good and bad, that our clients make. This is unreasonable and dangerous. You get to live your own life. We just offer perspective and tools for dealing with various situations.

Isn't that what you need? Someone who's not in the middle of the mess?

The Hard-But-Helpful Question:

Ask yourself if the relationship brings you more than it costs you. Simple equation; not necessarily simple situation.

Break-ups suck, but sometimes we need them to help us move forward.

TOO SMART FOR ABUSE?

This is one of those things that always happens to the other person, not you. We have the image that the abused are uneducated and poor, generally unable to get out and make their lives better. This is sadly sometimes true, but not always.

Abuse happens to the educated, too. Those from good homes and in nice circumstances can find themselves in relationships that struggle and fracture. This kind of domestic conflict can lead to abusive moments, even though you don't see yourself as the typical victim. Relationships are at the very center of our existence. If something effects you, it effects your relationships. Every issue, every conflict is played out at this most intimate level.

Communication is a difficult process. You can think you're listening when your loved one doesn't feel heard, at all, but listening and working to understand the other person's perspective often feels like a denial of your own experience. No one feels like listening to the other person when no one's listening to them. This miscommunication can lead to arguments of ever-increasing intensity.

Some individuals grow up thinking--and often witnessing--physical abuse as an automatic response to anger. Anger in an intimate relationship is a given, but anger doesn't always mean striking out at another. Still, when abuse occurs in relationships, it's almost always in response to conflicts that individuals don't know how to resolve without hitting. They don't feel listened to, they GET your attention. They're going the make you listen.

Not all individuals grow up in this, however, and they can be shocked when they find themselves dealing with abuse.

In the flash of emotion, this kind of thing can make sense and often seems called for. It's never called for and never helpful in working through whatever issue exists, but to the abuser--and even to the abused--hitting can seem like the only option. This isn't true. You always have other options, even if it's hard to see them in the heat of the moment.

Some individuals are shocked to find themselves in this spot. They never, ever believed they could find themselves in the place where their most beloved individuals resorts to physical violence against them. Even the abuser can be shocked after the incident. It can seem like this shouldn't be happening to you...and it shouldn't, but then it shouldn't happen to anyone.
You're watchful with strangers, but you've let down the guard with those you love. This is where you're supposed to be safe. Loved.

Law enforcement officers will tell you that domestic violence situations are sadly frequent and volatile. They hate these. All violence is irrational and deplorable, but these situations are unstable and complicated. Too often victims refuse to press charges, reconciling with their abuser, yet these situations generally get worse and worse. A large percentage of women victims die at the hands of someone they were in an intimate relationship with.

Sexual assaults between lovers and friends are a mess of nuances. Even smart people end up in bad situations. Even the last person you expect to hurt you can hurt you.

We need to be aware of both our loved ones and ourselves. This can be really, really hard. Heck, just understanding your own feelings and reactions can be convoluted and complex. Don't give up, though. Put energy into understanding your responses and the "why" of your reactions, not in a challenging, mocking way, but work to see your own and other's points of view.

When you're working together towards understandingone another, abuse isn't even an option. Of course, this takes two, both of you straining to see the other guy's experience.

Even really smart people have to work at this.

MESSED UP MOM

"I am 35 years old. I have five children from 3 different fathers. I was married to...a man who was a little too fond of drinking. My first husband is the father of my two oldest daughters. I am now remarried and we're approaching our 3rd anniversary. My present husband is the father of the youngest two children. The child in the middle has a father who has never been part of his life. My current husband is the only father he's ever known.

I know I have too much baggage that I carry from previous relationships. I try every day to work through my own issues. My husband has issues himself and, as a result, we have a less than healthy relationship. To be honest, I really feel that the only thing keeping either of us in the relationship is the kids and the fact that neither of us wants to be the one to throw in the towel. I am struggling now with anxiety and depression. I want to make my life better, but I do not know how. Quite frankly, I do not feel my husband is willing to put in the effort to try to make things better. Everyone in the house is miserable.

Recently there are behavior issues with my 13 year-old daughter. She takes on a lot, being the oldest of five. She ends up being the "assistant mom" most of the time. She has told me that her behavior issues are a result of her feelings toward my husband. She does not want to live here anymore and she's asked her father to take me to court to get custody of her unless things change. I have to say, I don't blame her. It hurts, but the truth does sometimes. This is not a place anyone WANTS to be. Our life is not a happy one. We ALL deserve better. I want to give my family the happiness we all deserve. I just don't know how. I know things need to change. I am just so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. I feel that I am in this alone. Please help. Life is too short to be unhappy."--Unhappy

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Dear Unhappy,

You've had at least three relationships that didn't work. You're really not alone in this. Intimate relationships and parenting are the two hardest things we do on this earth.

In any family the basis for family interaction is the relationship between the parents. You and your husband's problems are a big part of this and YOU deserve better. Either get counseling with him or go by yourself. You're right--life is too short to be this unhappy.

The other issue you right about is that of your 13 year old daughter saying she wants to live with her dad. Part of this desire is probably the issues in your current marriage, but I'm guessing that's not the only thing. Your daughter's position as the "assistant mom" has contributed to this. I understand how with five kids, you've needed some assistance sometimes, but your 13 year old didn't make the choice to have this size family, you did.

You might want to talk with your 13 year old's father and consider allowing her to live with him. Dads deserve their children as much as mothers do. If her dad is stable and he wants her to live with him, why not? Fathers are very important to daughters. The research indicates that these relationships can effect daughters staying in school longer and whether or not they get pregnant early.

Let her go live with him. Yes, you'll miss her terribly and you'll hate not having her help, but she might need this experience. Her dad certainly needs both the opportunity and the responsibility of doing his share of the parenting.

You feel overwhelmed and you deserve to talk with a therapist who can help you see your options. If money is an issue--so true for many at this time--look around for sliding scale or low cost therapy.

* * *

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. No matter how hard you may try, this isn't a possibility because human error is built in. When too much focus is given on never making parenting mistakes, there is a tendency to measure your parenting success by the choices your children make.

This is scary and it messes up everyone's personal power. Kids have their own choices--small ones at first and then bigger and bigger ones. You can't control these and you'd be robbing the child of learning if you tried. We have a sad tendency to measure ourselves by what our children do. (Just look at the furor over the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom)

I came at the parenting thing from another angle--I never expected to be perfect. I was acutely aware of my own parents' issues and I didn't want to push mine on my kids, but kids can't be UNaffected by their parents. My daughters have stumbled their way toward their own personal learning, which we all do. I've tried with some success--and some failure--to stay out of the way in their learning process. Sometimes I've been a great parent, sometimes not so great.

My husband and I have been accused of being over-involved and we are trying very hard to find the right place in their lives. The worst scenario for children appears to be a combination of over-involved and neglectful(at the same time) parents. Those who try to get their kids out of the consequences of their own actions, then go back to completely ignoring the kid. This is sad for everyone.

Parents who most benefit their kids actually facilitate independence, while hanging around to provide love and support. This is really hard. It involves watching and being impacted by that over which you have no control. In this scenario, you watch their mistakes--sometimes knowing they're bad choices--and you still love the kids and believe in them. Believe they'll sort it through. Believe they can manage their lives successfully.

I've learned through hard experiences not to offer feedback unless it's requested and, even then, I'm careful.

Parenting is a complex, challenging endeavor that can offer great rewards. It's a helluva hard job.

CONTROLLING PARENTS

"I am 20 years old and my girlfriend is 19. She has very controlling parents. They won't let her out, at all, and she has to lie to them, telling them that she's going to work just to hang out with me. I don't get to see her a lot and she's been working a lot these days. She closes every day and ends at around 11 pm and now her parents have told her she has to quit. She has no choice, but because she doesn't have the income required to go to college and pay for rent elsewhere. She's so distressed because she wants to have a life, too. She doesn't know what to do. I'm sending this in place of her because she would never go online to ask for advice. What can she do?"--Appreciative boyfriend

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Dear Boyfriend,

She can quit school, get a job to pay for her rent and live her life as she chooses...but I'm not recommending this as the best. She has a really big choice to make and she needs to look at the consequences of this. When parents support an adult child, paying for their school and their expenses, the parents expect to have a say in the child's choices. This can include dating choices.

While I recommend parents allow adult children to handle their own choices, the parents' financial involvement does give them some right to have a say-so in your girlfriend's choices.

I agree that this is a very difficult situation and I understand that your position is not good. Some cultures make it difficult for children to act against their parents' wishes, particularly girls. This is sad and unfortunate. If your girlfriend is being sent to college, she's better off than some girls. She doesn't have great options, though.

She can strike out on her own--paying her own tuition and working her way through college--or she can abide by her parents' decree and not date. You've already tried the sneaking around option and apparently they're on to you.

* * *

Fear can be gripping and controlling and facing it, bare-knuckle, isn't any fun. This is just what needs to happen though, if we're going to learn what we need to learn. Many individuals find creative ways to side-step their fears. Some go to great lengths, marrying, divorcing, going to school (forever) or not going to college, at all.

You may be afraid to end a relationship or afraid to venture out and declare yourself as interested in someone. Fear is a powerful thing.

The fear of failure motivates some people to give up all endeavors. They don't try anything because they might fail at it. Fear can range from being a twinge that dogs you to being a raging, roaring beast, in control of your life. When Winston Churchill made his famous speech, saying "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" he was part-right. Obviously, there's a lot of really scary stuff out there, but when we allow fear to controll our lives, determining what we do and who we do it with, we've already thrown in the towel. At that moment, we're convinced that we're weaklings and that we have no power.

The emotion can be really, really strong, but it's not true that you have no power. Ever. Even if you're tied up at the time. (I hope you're not tied up.) Even in the face of terrifying consequences, we have choices. Sometimes those choices are in how we handle the bad situations; sometimes we can avoid the scary stuff altogether.

Ask yourself what scares you the most--could be relationship loss, personal failure, loss of freedom (being told what to do ALL the time) or you could have a fear of instability (what if you can't count on home and job?). We all have dark corners and the desire to avoide these can be strong.

But you're stronger. You are. You can face the issues dogging you and you can learn what you need to learn. You're capable, even though you might not feel that way.