LITTLE LETHAL PLEASURES

"My spouse and I have known each other for 10 years, but have only been in a relationship for 4 years. We have a 3 year-old child. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, fun and easy, but after we had our child, it seems like things and we have changed. We argue about the smallest things. Anything! My spouse says he loves me and this I believe, but as far as trust goes, he doesn't! He's always questioning me, and bringing up my past (before we were together). He tries to control me and always seems to find something to pick at me about. We are on good terms and want to make our relationship work, but we don't know what else to do. I don't want my child growing up with parents who argue all the time, but at the same time I don't want to take the child away from his father. I need some advice, please. I'm about ready to give up and just accept that the relationship didn't work."--Confused

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Dear Confused,

You said he loves you, but I'm not sure how you feel about him. If you want this relationship to work--for you, not just your child--the two of you need to learn to deal with your conflicts. This sounds obvious, but lots of people don't do this. Instead of resolving their issues, they try to forget their arguments and get over the conflicts. This may sound like your only option, but it doesn't work over the long haul.

You need to learn to listen to one another. Really listen to your partner's message, not just the words. You probably think you know what he's saying to you, but I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't agree. Here's a trick--take one situation and listen to him without defending yourself. Listen as if you'll be tested over what he's saying and even though it's very hard, don't defend or explain. He may throw in statements about you that are all wrong, don't correct him.

Instead just hear what he's trying to say. This will usually come down to hearing what he feels. You'll need to feedback to him what you've heard, just to make sure you've got it correctly. Lots of people don't say exactly what they mean and lots of time we don't hear exactly what they said. Repeat back to him what you hear. Do it several times until he agrees that you've gotten his message. You've heard him.

Then--and only then--tell him what you feel about the situation. Help him to hear your side of things. Again, this may involve trying it several times before he actually gets what you're saying.

After you've both talked clearly about your perspectives, you can look at the conflict as objectively as possible to find a resolution. This will involve some adjustment to one another, but resolution removes resentment.

Remember that last, if one or the other of you still feels hurt and/or resentment, you need to go back to trying to understand your experiences. The path to resolution in relationships is complicated and sadly not often achieved, but it's really worth the effort.

In every conflict, you need to remember that you love this person. Even when you want to wring his neck, you still love him. Focusing on this sometimes gives you the strength to soldier on. Relationships are supposed to involve joy. Ask yourself if you ever have that, ever really just enjoy one another. Sometimes the stress and the issues have built up to the point that it's hard to like each other. At that point, you may not have anything left for the relationship. You may be done.

* * *

This life is sometimes challenging and you feel alone. When the stressors get intense, as they sadly do at this "joyous" time of year, we tend to turn to things that give us temporary pleasure. Sadly, the little pleasures can kill you if you're not careful.

In this nation, we have an epidemic of obesity. While we have to look at factors like high fructose corn syrup that insidiously make us want to eat more, we also need to see the emotional aspect of over-eating. When we're sad, we eat to feel better. When we're mad or lonely, we eat to feel better, only the eating makes us feel sluggish and guilty and doesn't really work for us.

I personally have always had a complicated relationship with sugar. Sad, when you think about it. What I do to "get happy" doesn't really make me happy, though.

The same things can be said for alcohol. Individuals drink to get happy, to change how they feel. Whether this is a celebratory occasion or a sad one, we often hear "I need a drink" like this is a medicinal choice. Some people smoke for the pleasure it gives them. One of the brightest men I know--who's actually in the medical field and knows the data--indulges himself in expensive cigars almost every day.

We need to remind ourselves that our "little pleasures" don't actually give us pleasure. Whether the size of the swimsuit increases or we're drinking to the point of making social blunders, these habits don't give us as much enjoyment as we've thought.

Let's face it, sometimes life just sucks. Whether you're mad at your parent or disappointed in your spouse or massively frustrated with your exceptional child who's failing Social Studies, eating, drinking or smoking doesn't really solve any of these.

We do it, trying to feel better at the moment. Science tells us taking a walk around the block will do more good. We should try that.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT?

Too often we ask teens and college-bound kids the wrong question and truthfully adults are often confused when making major decisions. Rather than asking themselves about college-majors and career choices, individuals first need to consider the kinds of lives they want to lead. This may sound obvious, but think about it, when you pick a mate or a career or even a residence, do you know that you're choosing the life you'll live?

Just as career choices determine what you'll do each and everyday, they also involve salary considerations and even areas of the country where you'll live. City and country living involve many different aspects. You need to think about whether you prefer the sleepy, slower, but fewer shopping/entertainment options of country living or the bustle, traffic, higher prices, more restaurant choices of a city.

While these details might seem insignificant, they effect your eventual happiness with where you are. In these times of economic uncertainty, job choices are paramount, but that's just one aspect of understanding what you want and need to wake up looking forward to every day. Kids in high school may not want to engage in higher learning. I know I didn't like school. But college is an important step in creating a more prosperous life with greater choices as to where you live and what you do for work. There are some non-college jobs that'll earn decent money, too, but this aspect of job-choice needs to be considered. If an individual invests in becoming an air traffic controller--a highly specialized job requiring excellent spatial skills, but no college--they'll earn a very decent living. But this job entails an intense training and is a career that carries the responsibility for many lives.

You can't just give half-power to this one. Lives count on you. In some jobs, having an off-day isn't that big a deal. Here, messing up has major consequences.

Think, too, about your partner choice. Lots of folks are struggling/dealing with the hunt for a mate, whether you seek marriage or not. When you're looking for a person to share your life with, though, you need to know what you want as far as the life you lead. Do you want kids? Not every one does, despite commonly-held beliefs. But this is a major issue if you and your mate disagree and is almost guaranteed to make for a bumpy relationship.

Lifestyle choices are sometimes judged by others. Even condemned. While this is unfortunate and unhealthy for the condemner's mental health, it happens all the time.

Whether you're a teenager approaching high-school graduation or an adult struggling to make some major choices, you need to think about what will make you happy. Not what your parents or friends will think of you, but you. Your own needs, preferences and desires. This isn't easy. Individuals can live a long time without truly understanding themselves, but seeking self-clarity is a tremendously important thing. We tend to seek our faults, our limitations and our struggles. This may all be hidden under bravado and our sadly external focus--we put more energy into picking houses and cars and clothing than we do in looking at ourselves.

The search for self-understanding needs to avoid self-condemnation. You're really not the jerk you fear yourself to be (even if you had some less-than-stellar behavior shopping on Black Friday). Look carefully at what makes you happiest at think about what will add most to your enjoyment of your life over the long haul.

You deserve to create the life you want.

GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK

"I was physically abused by my husband years ago to the point of barely surviving and my in-laws filed for custody of my 2 year-old daughter while I was in the hospital recovering. They won custody and took her away to another state. Because of her father's abuse, I was told I couldn't have her because it put her in danger. I wasn't told where she was and now she's 27. I finally found her living in the same state! We met and soon after I was invited to her house. I was thrilled! Unfortunately after I arrived I received a cold shoulder and felt that she wasn't interested in me. I left and tried to call, getting through once. Afterward, I was shut out.
I have been wanting to find her all these years only to live my worst fear, her rejection. How can I reach her without telling her bad things about her father?I want her to accept me as her birth mother. She won't even accept a phone call from me and I don't know why. I sense it is resentment for me not being there for her. Her father is dangerous and I am afraid of him. She wasn't told about the past, so everything is still tricky because he lives close to her. Is there a future for me and my daughter?"--Distressed Mother

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Dear Distressed Mother,

There might be a future relationship for you and your daughter, but you have to respect her right to work this through. Remember, from her point-of-view, you abandoned her. She's angry, sad and confused. All understandable. She doesn't have all the facts, either.

You didn't say whether or not she has a relationship with her father now. This could muddy things up, too.

Give the girl a break.

I don't know what you expected when you finally had contact with your daughter, but it isn't reasonable or fair to think that she'd hug you and take you in immediately as her long-lost, much-loved mom. Her cold shoulder was probably a result of her trying to deal with it all. She deserves time to process all this, to sort it through and make sense of the mess.

I recommend that you send her a letter, expressing your understanding of her mixed feelings and saying that you want whatever contact with her that she's ready to give. Don't bash her dad or your in-laws in the letter. Just tell her you respect her right to have whatever contact she wants...and then wait. If she does contact you for lunch or some other limited interaction, take it. Don't push for more than she's ready to give.

I realize none of this seems fair. After all, you were the abused one. You didn't get to raise your daughter and you're now possibly in the role of enemy. It's totally not fair, but this is what you're dealing with.

Should she contact you and want to begin establishing a relationship--think taming a wild animal--proceed with caution. Respect her and the life she's built for herself. At some point, however, it is important that you tell her about her father's abuse. She deserves the facts and she might be able to hear them if you refrain from defending yourself and just give the information. Remember, she's an adult and she's probably had her share of difficult relationships, too. Maybe not to the point of physical abuse, but she'll probably have had some challenging moments.

* * *

Give yourself a break. You probably have a skill that you don't even consider. Individuals tend not to consider those things that come easiest to them--"no big deal". But your ability isn't shared by everyone.

My husband has a high Kinesthetic intelligence--you know, like the great athletes? They jump and move their bodies in amazing ways. Roger is dismissive of his abilities because he doesn't think they're as great as some and because he's accustomed to always having had this. I, on the other hand, am not Kinesthetic. My intelligence lies in other areas.

Low self-esteem is a significant issue for many and part of this problem is that we don't have accurate assessments of ourselves. We dismiss those things we do well and tend to exaggerate our limitations. Having an accurate self-assessment is very important. We don't have every skill, but we need to see the ones we do have.

Having an accurate self-image allows us to work on the areas we struggle in and to accept the areas where we do well. Some skills will never be within my reach, but I'm good at some things and this is true of us all.

SHE WANTS KIDS NOW; HE'S NERVOUS

I have loved my fiancee for a long time. I'm simply not willing to let go and walk away. We get along great at times and she really is my best friend. We both want to get married and start a family as soon as possible, but she doesn't think that I share those desires with her. She feels like I'm just putting it off as long as I can, trying to make up my mind. She has some health issues and we also had a miscarriage, as well. She is 35 years old (I'm 30) and she knows all about the statistics on how she could have complications the longer she waits to have children. I understand and fear the same complications, but more than the fear of this, I worry about getting married, having a baby or two and the marriage falling apart. If we divorced, we'd cause our child to be raised in a broken home. This is so freaking scary that I simply can't give in and say okay, let's get the show on the road.

My number 1 reason for dragging my heels is I want to start a marriage with joy and peace, not anger and strife. I want to at least give counseling a try and see where that gets us. Maybe it works; maybe it doesn't. This is a huge argument for us. She is ready and wants kids NOW! She says she is happy enough with our life and relationship and feels like there is no need for counseling. She is extremely smart and I understand she doesn't want to feel there is anything in this world that she cannot figure out and fix on her own. I feel the same way, but I know that something has to change or our marriage will not last. I will my put myself, her or our potential children through that. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger and fighting. She thinks I want counseling because I want someone to tell me yes or no, that I either should or shouldn't marry her. That's not what I want at all. I just want to learn how to argue without fighting and how to disagree without making bothy of our lives miserable. There are happy couples all over the world and I want to be one of them. I'm not saying she doesn't make me happy. She makes me happier than anyone ever has in my life! I have never had someone who is so willing to do any and everything to help me.--Help!!

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Dear Help!!

She's certainly not willing to help you in this. Going to a therapist is very uncomfortable for some people, but they need to accept that there are some things you need help with. She wouldn't try to fix her own broken bone, she'd go to a specialist in this. Therapists who work with couples specialize in helping you know how to argue without fighting and to know how to best love one another.

If one half of a couple wants counseling, the other half better be listening. I'm surprised when one part of a couple thinks he or she can just decide that counseling isn't necessary. Couple decisions are joint decisions and both better be listening to each other or there will definitely be trouble ahead. A truly skilled counselor won't tell you whether or not to do anything, certainly not whether or not to get married. Counselors know that you are the one to best make your life decisions.

Her feeling of urgency is valid. The later pregnancy is put off, the more likelihood of problems. But it sounds as if you already have issues in the relationship that could lead--if not addressed--to a split later down the line. There's no such thing as happy enough. Either you are or you aren't. If the relationship worked, you wouldn't be at this stand-off. This isn't to say the problems are huge or unworkable, however. You can learn to listen to one another and to say what you need. A really good therapist wants to help you learn how to work through the issues. She wants you not to need her forever.

Good therapists are always trying to work their way out of a job. Go for counseling yourself, if she won't go with you.

* * *

Loving another person isn't the strongest reason to act in their best interests--it's really about loving yourself.

We're often very confused about love. The term is thrown around very loosely. We love sandwiches, high heels, our dogs and our children, but these aren't all the same. There are love songs and movies about love, but when it comes right down to it--love is about doing what's best for the other person. Period.

The interesting, complicated part of all this, though, is that what's good for one person can't be bad for another person. We're all interwoven. I can't act in a way that will hurt those I love and not be hurt myself.

While that may seem obvious, think about all the individuals who are cheating in their relationships, claiming they love two people at the same time? Do both of those people agree? Do they feel loved in the situation? Love is both a powerful emotion and certain behaviors--which aren't always the same. When our feelings conflict with what we believe we need to do, we need to look at the choices--the actions--more closely.

This opens up a discussion of what's best for them and you. This isn't clear sometimes and it can take a good, long look and sometimes you need consultation with an objective third party.

LEARN FROM IT

Bad stuff happens and if we're paying attention, we look for the lesson. This isn't to say that random bad things don't happen. They do. Just watch the news. People get what they don't deserve all the times. In our difficult economy, people lose jobs and homes and self-respect. Most of them don't deserve any of this, but asking yourself what you need to learn is a good response to crappy things.

This is true in a lot of situations and it doesn't mean you're accepting that you're stupid. Not true.

But you need to figure out the best life choices and this isn't easy. The only way we really learn is by getting the consequences of our choices. Some very small percentage of us sometimes learn from seeing others' choices, but this is rare.

Parents tend to want to shelter their kids from the bad choices, and this is very natural, but carried too far, it blunts the learning process. Let's face it, we need to screw up sometimes to see how life works. When a tiny scrap of humanity is born into your family, you tend to want to buffer all the cold winds from it, but don't always give in to this urge.

When bad things happen to you--whether this is financial, physical or relational--your best response is to look at what you've contributed to the problem. Sometimes our contribution is in the form of what we didn't do or what we did out of concern for another, but we really need to see the results of our actions in order to get the most from the crummy times.

We certainly want to minimize these and learning from them can enable us to achieve this.
Our lessons are more obvious when they just involve us, but life doesn't always work this way. Relationships more often end in split-ups than any of us want. This may happen early in a dating experience, after you've been together a while or years into a marriage. When there are so many emotions and a ton of history, it can be difficult to see our own contributions. You know, the stuff you did and didn't do.

That's the part you have some control over--the stuff you did.

How you respond to various things is in your power, even if you feel really powerless over what's going on. You decide what to say, what to do, when to act--all of your behaviors. It may sound as if I'm over-simplifying, but this is an important issue. You contribute half of any relationship, romantic, relational or friendship. You get to decide on how you respond to whatever is happening. This is your power. You get to walk away, to stay in and work at being different or to turn your partner/friend into the police.

Think about the Madoff family. They had to respond to significantly bad behavior on Bernie Madoff's part and he was their father, her husband. What would you do if your relative made some REALLY bad choices? Cheated or kill someone? Involved herself in infidelity or beat his kids?

It all gets much murkier when you're in the mix; when you're close to the situation. One of my clients took an open-container ticket for a boyfriend she's no longer with. Already with several DUIs to his discredit, he handed her the can of beer. In hindsight, she feels really stupid for having allowed this, but at the moment, he was her soul mate, the man she shared her life with.
Not so simple.

These kinds of choices are made clearer when you can separate out your part, what you've done or not done. Make sure you're clear on your part. What you contributed to the situation. She wasn't the one with the DUIs, but she did accept the beer from him when the officer stopped them. She has to look at her part.

We all need to learn from our choices--and we need not to beat ourselves up so badly that we can't see the lesson. We've all done foolish things for a variety of reasons. That's just part of being human, but we can choose to learn from our choices, to develop wisdom from what works for us and what doesn't.

You may feel badly about situations, but make sure you forgive yourself and learn from it.

BEING 13 SUCKS * EXCRUTIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS

"I'm not sure what to do anymore. Many nights I end up crying myself to sleep. My dad never seems to notice anything or care. His main focus is work. If he isn't working, he's on the computer or watching TV. My mom thinks she's doing what's best for us, but I can't seem to see it from her perspective. Whenever I tell my parents or any of my siblings something (that I know is correct), they always argue. She never takes my side. She always takes my dad's side because he "knows what's best." If she doesn't take my dad's side, it's my older sister because she's older and I should listen to her, or my younger sister because she's younger and I should treat her more kindly. I'm 13 and the middle child. It seems like she never really cares about me anymore. My older sister gets all the new clothes and her wardrobe is 3 times as large as mine. I get her hand-me-downs, even though I'm a bigger size than her. My little sister gets new clothes and goes through about 3 sets a day. She never folds her own clothes, so she doesn't care how much she changes. I have the bare minimum. I go through all my clothes in less than a week. I always get stuck doing the chores because my little sister is too young to do it (even though she's 10) and my older sister has too much homework. (I've seen her work. She has about an hour's worth of it.) My little sister is always taking my things without asking. Every time I tell her she needs to ask me first, she throws a big fit and my parents blame me for being too harsh on her. I know my parents do what they think is the best for me, but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm naturally a shy person, too, so I don't have anyone at school who I can talk to about this. It's getting worse really quickly now. PLEASE HELP!"--I think I hate my family

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Dear I think,

You're in a bad spot and you have my sympathies. Being the middle child is always difficult, as is being 13. You're just finishing middle school and then you'll head off to high school, which is a big place, aimed toward launching you out into adulthood.

Not knowing your family, I can't dispute anything you're saying, but I'd like to encourage you to forge ahead. You seem bright and articulate. Don't give up on yourself--or on your family--just yet.

Everyone in this is facing challenges, even your younger sister. You're dad and mom are trying to feed you all and keep a roof over your head--not a simple thing in these times. Your older sister--who may very well be a pain to live with--is already in high school, which can be socially challenging as well as academically important. When she graduates, she'll be an adult and that's a pretty scary place. Even if she's sure of what she wants to do for a career, she'll have many difficult choices ahead of her.

Academic/job choices. Relationship choices. Alcohol/drug choices. Even friendships can be deceiving and dangerous.

Your younger sister, too, while seeming like she's got it easy, faces the burden of being the youngest--resented by her siblings and pampered by her parents. She'll have to deal with self-doubt eventually and she may be experiencing that now. Youngest kids are prone to being unsure of their own ability to face the world, having had someone always there before to smooth the way.

So, no one's having a picnic here...although everyone may be better dressed than you.

Your being on the shy side makes this more challenging. I know all about that. Let me encourage you, however. Step out, even when it's scary. I know this is difficult and probably the last thing you want to do. But join a club, get active in your church or in a service organization for kids. Do your homework and make academics work for you.

Then, do the scary thing--smile at other people. This may seem silly and random, but try it. This free, low-calorie activity is amazingly powerful. When you smile at people--kids in your school, people in stores, random neighbors--most of them will smile back. You'll have engaged them. They'll notice you in a good way. Ignore the ones who don't smile back. They're probably locked in their own troubles.

(Also ignore any creepy responses. Perverts live amongst us.)

When you're shy, you tend to be very self-conscious. The trick here is to turn your focus on others. Ask about their hobbies, their weekend activities, their opinions of things at school. Some people will bore the heck out of you; others will become your friends.

I have two daughters and one was so shy she didn't even speak to those she didn't know well, despite having a great vocabulary. There were times her father and I spoke for her, but we went out of our way to encourage her to interface with the world. (We refused to ask for drink refills for her when she was eight and didn't want to talk to the waitress.) She's an adult now and perfectly functional. She's a medical student and has lots of friends.

Be brave, even though things are not always fair. You won't always be a kid and you won't always have such limited wardrobe options--you can step out and make this life your own.

* * *

"EXCRUCIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS"
One of my clients--an intelligent, articulate young guy who doubts himself a lot--described this experience. We even have a diagnosis for it these days--Social Anxiety.

Everyone has moments when they feel stupid and tongue-tied, as goofy and stupid as the folks we see on reality television. Some people, though, are very shy and struggle to interact. They may have panic attacks and bear the symptoms of generalized anxiety. Being introverted isn't terminal, though. It's not a disorder and we shouldn't accept it as such.

This isn't a deep character flaw. If you deal with this, don't let yourself succumb to thinking you'll always be this way or that you have no options. Don't believe there's something wrong with you. Introverts are statistically in the minority, but that doesn't make them disturbed or alter the fact that introversion brings as many gifts as it has awkward aspects.

Learning to manage one's social experience and exposure is part of becoming a well-functioning adult. Know what works for you and helps you be the best person you can be. Some people gain energy from social interaction; others lose energy from lots of interaction with others. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Introverts have a better self-knowledge--nothing to dismiss, let me tell you. Lots of folks struggle because they don't really know themselves.

So, introversion--being shy--isn't a bad or terminal thing. Just learn how to handle who you are. Reach out to those around you and be okay with having personal boundaries. This is your right and your responsibility. You can learn to reach out to others and to give yourself private times. Studies tell us that even the most extroverted among us grows more internal as they get older. Introverts have a greater knowledge of themselves, of their own thoughts and reactions. This can be a tremendous value.

You can do both. Learn to socialize and gain from interacting with others; learn to use your alone time profitably and recharge your power-packs.

DRIVING HER CRAZY

My husband and I have been married for 8 of our 15 years together and recently, everything has spun so out of control that neither one of us knows each other anymore. The root of the problem is three years ago my husband cheated on me. I know I chose to stay in my marriage and move on with him, so I should deal with this hurt. But it has consumed me so much that I have panic attacks on a daily basis, thinking he is cheating on me again with people I know or people at his work. It's driving me crazy. Every night it's the same thing--he sleeps on the couch and I'm in the bed with our three kids because I don't want to be alone. I love my husband, but I've truly come to hate myself for the emotional breakdowns I have on a daily basis.

Today I felt like I would rather be dead than to be without him. He told me he can't deal with my jealousy issues anymore. I know I have serious issues and I'm to the point of not knowing what to do or who to turn to. I feel so much hate from him toward me. We don't talk normally anymore. When he kisses me on rare occasions, it doesn't seem real and when he tells me he loves me, it feels like just routine words. He swears he's not cheating on me and I believe that, but then he flirts with people right in front of me and makes me feel like he's trying to push my buttons. I again know I have to change, but he's not willing to even try to change or--more importantly--be supportive of my emotional breakdowns. Instead, he just fuels the fire. I'm so lost and confused about what I need to do with my life. I don't want to lose my husband or family, but I can't shake my insecurities. Please help.---B

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Dear B,

Of course, you can't shake your insecurities in the marriage, your husband cheated on you. Jealousy in this situation is perfectly normal. He's already proven himself to be unreliable in this department. Trusting him not to be unfaithful again without some sort of change in him and in the relationship, isn't to be expected...except he seems to expect that.

For your own sake and that of your children, I urge you to find a supportive therapist. If money is an issue--and it is for most people these days--look for a therapist who works on a sliding scale.

You're struggling with this still because we can't just wish relationship issues away. Anytime infidelity rears it's ugly head in a relationship, there were problems before the cheating and even more problems after. These need to be dealt with. Your having chosen to stay in the marriage doesn't mean the pain of his betrayal should just disappear. Of course, you're upset.

While you might have a hard time seeing yourself without him, remember that feelings aren't the full reality and that this moment, this struggle won't last forever. It just seems that way, but suicide is a permanent act. Don't hurt yourself today over something that won't be such a large issue next year.

Your kids still need you and love you.

The relationship has issues that have to be addressed if you're going to stay married to the guy. Again, get a therapist. Being married--or committed to another person without legal ties--is one of the hardest things we do in this world. When things are really rough, you need a guide through the forest. Your husband may not be cheating on you now, but it's very natural that you should doubt this and that you are very aware of everything he does and doesn't do. Infidelity makes you hyper-conscious and worried.

Even though your husband did this bad thing and you're struggling to forgive him, you need also to hear from him the problems that existed in the marriage before his infidelity. It's very hard for the wronged spouse to get beyond the hurt to actually hear her mate's complaints about her. After all, he's the dog who went sniffing after someone else.... But if you want a chance at healing the relationship, you have to see what went wrong.

He's the best person to do this with because he's been on the front lines with you. You need to hear what he has to say. I cannot say enough that I know this is very hard. After all, you loved him and he betrayed you. Getting beyond your insecurities means getting beyond this blow to the relationship. Marriages can actually heal after infidelity, but you both have to get into the trenches and work on it.

Sleeping with your kids while he's on the couch isn't doing anyone any good. For one thing, you've drawn the kids into this. It's impossible for children not to be effected by their parents' relationship issues, but having them replace daddy in bed, isn't helping.

I wrote a book entitled "Should I Leave Him?" addressing many of these issues and more. You definitely need to do something for yourself.

Get a counselor. Talk to a profession and listen. Your pain and anxiety is understandable and you deserve some support.

* * *

We are all foster kids in some ways.

When a child has lost even an unsatisfactory home and hearth, it's natural that losing at all becomes an issue. Both my husband and I see foster kids in therapy and they almost always struggle to lose at games. But the desire to be winners, to jump on the winning side, can be seen throughout our culture.

When a sports team begins winning, more people become fans. I live near the home stadium of the Texas Rangers, who won the American League Championship and are now playing in the 2011 World Series. Suddenly, everyone is a fan. Everyone's watching the games on television and wearing the Rangers' logo. Even people who don't normally have much interest in sports want to be identified with a winner.

Because we all have moment when we don't feel like much of a winner.

Foster kids have a hard time accepting that their foster status is not their fault. It had nothing to do with them anymore than all of us local Texas fans had anything to do with the Rangers doing so well. Not our achievement, but we certainly want now to be associated with them.

We want to be winners. This is natural because we associate winning--at games or sports or whatever--with being a good and strong person. Being powerful. Who the heck doesn't want to be powerful?