RELATIONSHIP RESET

Have you ever said you just want to get back to how we used to be or that you want a totally fresh start with your partner, like pushing a reset button? Sadly, trying to develop amnesia about problems between the two of you doesn't work--at least not long term.

I often hear people express the desire to feel the way they used to with their mate and this is understandable. When you first met and started falling for one another, you saw the fun, the happy parts, the good stuff. Only as the two of you spent more time together and began sharing an on-going experience did the problems crop up. This can almost always be tracked back to poor conflict resolution.

(You may also have built your shared experiences on a weak foundation and, if so, no communication skills will make this all better. If the two of you have very different values and want different lives, the gulf may be too wide to cross. This can be painful, because you've loved this person. Still, if she wants drugs and rock and roll and you want family life in the suburbs, you have little upon which to base a life together. At the same time, wanting a similar life doesn't always mean eternal relationship bliss. You need both similar values and different, unique perspectives. This can help you find a balanced, fulfilled life together.)

When you don't resolve problems, conflict in relationships build up like sediment in a pond, eventually choking the fun out of the relationship. I frequently have one half of couples assure me that they resolve their problems. Ironically, while one person is giving me this assurance, the other is often shaking his or her head in disagreement. Resolution only exists if both of you feel settled about whatever you disagreed on. If one half of the couple just stops talking(arguing), the problem may not be actually resolved.

Sometimes people just get tired of fighting and disagreeing. They acquiesce--or stop arguing--because they just don't see any successful end in sight.

Stopping talking doesn't mean you've reached an agreement on an issue.

Many times, couples quit talking about something they can't resolve and go on about their lives. But the unresolved issues start piling up until they choke out the fun stuff and you can no longer see your partner as the sexy, attractive person you committed to in the beginning.

The unsettled issues obscure the part that you fell in love with. Getting back to the good times is an understandable desire, but if you're going to get there, you have to learn how to settle the issues that have blotted out the joy.

You have to learn to resolve things.

This can be a complicated process and it requires you to both express yourself and to really listen to your mate express him or herself. But it can be done.

Timing is everything here, though. Wait too long to address your relationship issues and you or your partner may get to the place that you're just done. Finito. Finished. The love has been killed and cannot be revived.

When that happens, you might as well call the moving company and the lawyers. Therapy can only help when you've still got something left in a relationship, so don't wait too long to seek help.

THRILLED BUT NOT PROUD

Tomorrow, a child of mine is graduating medical school. All through her academic process--valedictorian of her small high school, cum laude graduate in biology from college, a masters in medical science and then medical school--people have been commenting on how proud of her I must be.

I have a problem with that word--proud--and I realize this is mostly my issue.

In my experience, parental pride seems to include some level of ownership of the achievement--like the child's success is somehow due to the parent. I reject that perspective and not because I don't think I've been a good parent. As most parents, I had some bad, stupid moments and some really good moments. When this physician daughter of mine couldn't read at eight, I went into intensive vision therapy mode. I fortunately knew of a professional in this field and, with his direction, I was rigid about vision therapy with her. I mean I was hell-bent, full-out, commando about this. I love words and I couldn't imagine a life without reading.

So, yes. I get credit for helping her be able to learn to read. My husband and I have always placed our daughters' needs at a high priority and we've worked to give them the foundation of a strong parental marriage. I've been a decent parent and I feel good about most of my actions in that area.

But I can't say I'm proud of this adult child of mine because this is her achievement. She earned this. I've seen her hard work and intensive study to get where she can walk across the stage tomorrow and earn the title of Dr. Doss. The hours spent pouring over massive text books and the devotion she gave to study were incredible.

I'm thrilled for her.

When she spent a month in Costa Rica earlier this year to learn medical Spanish(a great idea and a fun trip for her), she was startled to come home and hear all the big, wild ideas her father and I had about celebrating her huge accomplishment. Live bands and country clubs were discussed. Banners and such. We stopped short of skywriting our congratulations, but just.

I never say how proud of her I am--I just tell her repeatedly how thrilled her dad and I are. I don't take credit for her successes (or her failures for that matter). She's a strong, dedicated, determined woman. She's earned this medical degree and anyone who ends up in the ER, needing her help, will be fortunate to have her on duty.

MOTHERHOOD: SHARE THE GLORY

Sometimes parenting sucks, but sometimes it's the most glorious part of being human. In holiday gift-giving expenditures, Mother's Day ranks fourth behind Christmas, Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. Father's Day falls a sad sixth in spending, coming after Easter. This may be only a rough indication of the involvement of mothers versus fathers, but we tend to put our money where our hearts are.

Until the last twenty years, our society failed to see the importance of having active fathers in children's lives. This is sad for all involved. Mothers may get one glorious day, but they've borne the heavy burdens of parenting alone for way too long. Dads who don't have to change dirty diapers or go to teacher conferences may seem to have gotten a lighter load, but their un-involvement robs them of the same powerful influence and significance that moms have had.

Have you ever seen a pro athlete mouth "Hi Dad" to the camera?

Kids deserve two active parents and parents are at their best when functioning as a true team. How the parenting jobs are divided up matter less than that they are divided somewhat equally between both parents.

There are many tedious, frustrating requirements to raising us humans. We come into this world as squalling, messy entities filled with amazing potential and it's our parents' job to help us move forward into adulthood. Individuals who reach maturity with some level of self esteem and some awareness of their own capacity--well, they're ahead of the game.

I've often said that being in a relationship and being a parent are the two hardest jobs on the face of this earth. That's saying a lot when you consider how amazing we are. We build both rocket ships and bombs with incredible ingenuity. When we look around at the human race, we see both heartrending heroics and horrible cruelty.

We humans have great capacity...and the hardest roles we have are the ones involving our loved ones. The people who make us craziest are those closest to us. You can be brilliant and do amazing things in your profession, but bringing all those smarts home to your spouse and your kids can be really challenging.

So, Moms, share the parenting glory...and share the dirty work. You deserve a bubble bath and the kids' dad deserves to put them to bed. Everyone needs a little snuggle time.

REVENGE CHEATING

This is pay-back, pure and simple. A version of "you hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you." Be very careful if you're thinking along these lines. I totally get that having a mate--the person closest to you--cheat on you hurts like hell. In that distressed moment, you want to lash out, to make your lover understand how badly you've been hurt by his action.

But doing this just makes you a cheater, too, and you know what you think of his having broken his commitment to you. Do you--in your more rational moments--want to sink to his level?

The problem with revenge cheating is that it's cheating. No matter how you slice it, you will always have cheated, not just been cheated on. In this world of twisted tit for tat, you will have to some extent, have leveled the playing field. His transgression will matter less and that's not what you're going for, at all.

In all further discussion of his having stepped out on you, he will throw this in your face. He'll probably say that he only does this because you're throwing his having cheated in his face, but this kind of wound lingers. Even if he promises never to do this again and gives you all his passwords, plus total access to his cell phone, you're probably going to want to again bring up that you can't trust him.

You'll have questions about his cheating--probably lots of questions--and he'll use your having cheated as a deflection from his behavior.

Being cheated on can leave you feeling like you've been shredded. Everything you always counted on before can no longer be assured and, even though he sometimes seems like the guy you love, you'll struggle to move beyond this.

Couples can move beyond cheating, but only under certain conditions. The cheater has to completely renounce the extracurricular relationship. There can be no secrets and you have to learn to successfully address the issues that led to this breach in the first place. Cheating only happens in weakened relationships. Something wasn't right, even if there were lots of great things between you. In order to get beyond this, you both need to learn to talk about the things you've be so carefully not talking about all these years.

You need to learn to talk--and listen--about the issues that you've not settled before. The problems that have festered inside you both.

Either you walk away from a cheating lover or the two of you begin learning how to be different. Staying and trying to forget (or trying to get back to where you once were) doesn't heal the wound. Revenge cheating won't make you feel better in the long run and it's a big choice to make for short-term satisfaction.

DEPRESSION AND MEDICATION

We live in a very complicated world and sometimes we get depressed. Many choose to take medications to help with this, but a recent Harvard study showed that depression medication--for those who are mildly to moderately depressed--has no more impact than that of a placebo. For the severely depressed, medication was found to have more effect.

For some time, professionals have recommended that individuals seek therapy for depression, along with medication. Some, however, don't tolerate medication and choose to forego it altogether. Others don't like how these medications make them feel.

For some time now, many have used the phrase "chemical imbalance", referring to the belief that those who are depressed have some sort of medical condition that leaves the depressed with no option other than medication. Clients have even reported to me that their physicians have told them they'll "have to be on medication" for the rest of their lives.

Pretty scary stuff, not to mention how expensive it can get.

Let's talk about depression--

Life Situations

We get depressed when we suffer losses--relationships that end, the death of loved ones, job losses or major life changes. I tell clients that sometimes depression makes sense. This can be the functional response to a very trying situation. 

Scary Moments Ahead

It is commonly recognized by professionals that big changes--even so called "good"ones--can leave us struggling with depression. Not all postpartum depression is due to hormonal changes. Sometimes we just feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

Teens can experience depression due partly to their being at a pivotal place in their lives. They can feel like their jumping off a very big cliff into grown-up responsibilities. For the first time, they are being launched into a big world with lots of expecations of them. Frequently, they have significant expectations of themselves. These are typically smart kids who comprehend that everything is changing. As with having a newborn child, depression at these moments can be more confusing because this is what you wanted! You wanted to go off to college, to create a life of your own. You dreamed of having a family. Why are you now feeling so blue?

The Highly Competent

Some individuals who seek help for depression have never before been in a situations they couldn't handle. These individuals are accustomed to having others call them strong, even in the face of big challenges. In their lives, they've always shoved aside feelings of sadness, discomfort and loss and soldiered on. They deal. These folks almost always have had some tough situations in their lives that they've handled--usually very well--and they are distressed and bewildered to find themselves suddenly struggling with depressed feelings that they can't shake. Often, they tell me that there is no reason for this depression, as their lives are great.

These are all transitional moments--even if you can't see anything changing. Sometimes, we feel weighed down by depression because we need to change something, need to tweak our internal perspective a little.There are those with severe depression who can find medication to be life-saving and some in the middle of major transitions need to use medication like they'd use a crutch with a broken leg.

Sometimes, you need help while you're doing some healing/shifting. There's certainly no shame in needing a crutch.

GO AHEAD. BLAME ME.

Being a teen is tough.

Yes, parenting teens is really tough, but if your kid is a teen--particularly a late teen--think about what they're facing. Most kids are sheltered and some are pampered. If the child is lucky and life is working out as it should, she's been looked after and encouraged to prosper.

When children come into this world as tadpoles of human beings, unable to do the simplest tasks for themselves, parents, extended family members and caregivers fed and bathe them and make sure they're comfortable. As they grew older, others ferried them to soccer practice and took them to the orthodontist. They needed this attention because they couldn't take care of themselves.

Then they enter high school and adulthood begins to loom. This is both exciting and very scary. I see a number of teens with anxiety symptoms at this age and I get it--they're almost adults, responsible for themselves. It's very natural for teens to wonder if they can do it. If they can get into and get through school. If they can find a job that will sustain them and get them the goodies to which they've become accustomed.

Growing up is challenging and freeing, all at the same time. All while teens are pushing against boundaries and making scary decisions about relationships, deciding about safe sex and drinking and driving; they're also freaked out by all the choices. They aren't sure they can do all this grown up stuff. It doesn't help matters that we, as their parents, are also freaked out. Scared out of our minds that they'll do something--in the invincibility of youth--that will end or damage their lives.

Lots of fear.

When my daughters got to this point, their dad and I knew temptations were all around them, just as opportunities were. I also knew that their friends were very important and, potentially, the ones who'd join them or entice them into doing stupid things.

So, I told them to go ahead and blame me. If ever they were faced with a challenging, tempting, scary, unsafe thing--just tell their friends that their mom was a bitch and wouldn't let them do whatever.

To some extent, this is also the therapist's role. Whether we like it or not, people quote us and blame us and say we told them to leave their relationships or jobs. They had to do it because their therapist said so.

(Just between the two of us, I don't ever tell clients what to do--about relationships, jobs, parenting or anything. I do, however, reflect back to them what I hear them telling me. If their in an abusive marriage or job and they tell me about being screamed at and hit, I'm gonna reflect this back to them. Sometimes hearing someone else say the facts sounds really different.) This is your life, I don't get to live it. You're in the best position to make your own choices.

I've said before that being a parent is one of the hardest roles a person can take on in this life. Sitting by and watching your kid's choices can be very difficult. Whenever we love someone, we open our hearts to being effected by what they do.

But they need to jump out and make their own choices. We may want to put  pads down to cushion their falls, but when they're teens, we can't do this. We shouldn't do this. Continuing to try and guide your child's choices when he's an adult gives the scary, disturbing message that you don't think he can handle life himself.

This isn't usually what we mean, at all. We're just used to the active parenting role and we're scared silly. But we have to let our children grow up. Just like letting them learn to walk(even though they got bruised when they fell), we have to let them prove to themselves that they can do this. They can handle their lives.

We stand by, believing in them, letting them blame us and we convey our caring to them. We try to be helpful without getting in the way.

This is love and sometimes it sucks.

DARK, DIRTY SECRETS

Everyone has moments they're not proud of--mistakes they made or bad choices they regret. Some, though, have secrets they hide in shame. Clients sometimes tell me about these, confessing in hushed, halted voices to sins they can't forget or forgive themselves for.

They fear the consequences of these secrets ever becoming known, but more than this, they spend a huge amount of energy keeping these hidden.

For some time now, I've been a fan of the website postsecret(dot)com. In complete anonymity, individuals submit postcards with their secrets, some graphically conveyed as art and others simply scrawled out. They are sometimes heartbreaking and occasionally funny, but they always share a message the writer feels they couldn't tell the world. What grew from a simple experiment has become a worldwide phenomenon with multiple books, exhibits and tours.

All because we have secrets we feel are too shameful or too explosive to share.

At these various events, an opportunity is presented for attendees to come to a microphone and tell the audience their secret--aloud. It's like ripping off a Band-aid and those who've stood before the microphone say it's relieving, healing and very powerful.

That's the thing about secrets; it takes a lot of work to hide them.

When clients tell me their shameful secrets, these often fall into either things the individual as done or things that were done to them. The sad thing is that we tend to take responsibility for even those things that were done to us, as if somehow the victim caused the action. Individuals who have had mates cheat on them feel this way, fearing they somehow caused this to happen. People who were physically or sexually abused as children often feel as if they caused it. Somehow even if we didn't do the terrible thing, we can feel ashamed and dirty.

Some people become very good at distracting themselves and never thinking about their shame--except when it pops up, ugly and painful.

But darkness only makes secrets grow more powerful.

Keeping these guarded and boarded inside you takes a lot of energy. Energy that you could use to achieve your goals or that would simply help you relax. Even if you were the one who committed the crime, caused the terrible thing to happen or hurt someone else, forgiving yourself is the first step toward learning from that horrible moment.

And learning from your choices and mistakes helps you to move forward. It salvages the good from a bad situation.

Secrets can pull us under. It's important not to let the darkness claim you. Even those who sin--who make bad, bad choices--can learn and move forward.