YOU GET THE BEST & WORST

Relationships add to your life. Insurance statistics say this--people who are married live longer, but living intimately with another human being is one of the hardest things we humans do. Really smart people have no edge here. Married or not, your partner gets the best...and the worst of you.

This is in the nature of close relationships. One would think we'd be at our best with the people most important to us, but this isn't always true. Because we feel loved by our mates, we let down our guards and sometimes, we aren't nice people. All people have their good and bad moments. It's part of our natures to sometimes struggle.

We get irritable, snappy and annoying, at times.

When you have a partner, she gets a front row seat to all of this. Of course, she was probably a loving presence when you suffered the loss of a parent or close friend. She may have been the bright spot in some really rough times. Even if she held your hand in rough times, she can be very annoying, too.

Close relationships are, you know, close.

Part of the reason this happens is because you feel loved and cared for with your partner. You feel accepted, even the ugly parts, and you relax. This is one of the wonderful things about being in a loving relationship. You get to relax and quit trying so hard. Unfortunately, for some of us that can mean not trying at all.

We forget to do and say the sweet things that we did and said when we were courting. We can forget to act as if this person in front of us is the most important person in our lives.

In my younger days, I was struck by a statement a divorcing friend made. She said she'd thought that she and her husband would "be together always." A young married person at the time myself, it occurred to me with blinding reality that this may not be a good belief. In the security--which we all want--of thinking this is the person we'll spend the rest of our lives with, we stop trying. It's as if we feel we no longer need to act each day as if we love this person.

Connection doesn't mean not trying.

Yes, it feels great to be loved and we do tend to give the ones we care about some latitude. We cut them a break. I remember telling my husband, when my kids were small, that I'd rather them act up with us because we loved them. We tolerated more of their shenanigans than someone less invested. But this reality can become relied upon too heavily and get strained to the breaking point.

Whenever I see in counseling an individual trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship, I recommend they weigh the good of a relationship against the bad. If you want to ensure that your relationship doesn't fail, work on that balance: more good than bad.

The best way to do this is to place your partner's interests at least as high as your own.

SOMETIMES DEFIANCE FEELS LIKE POWER

If you've ever been around a two year-old, you've seen defiance. At two and a half years, most children become excellent at saying "No!" From a developmental perspective, we know that kids this age are just learning to separate themselves as individuals. They protest and refuse almost everything and they usually do it loudly. These same kids typically have moments when they're clingy and struggle with separation.

Now, try to imagine a twenty-five year-old or a fifty year-old with the same kinds of behavior. Learning to experience personal power is very difficult because we don't always have the option to do just what we want without consequences. Think of the number of times you've wanted to whack your boss.

It's the same thing because sometimes when we're struggling to find our personal power, we fall back on defiance. Some people always feel powerless. These individuals often bully those they see as less powerful. Bullies always have a poor self-perception and struggle to feel power.

Some people spend their lives fighting whatever or whoever they see as having the power they can't get. Whether this involves breaking the law--like crotch-rocket motorcycle drivers who run from the law--or bashing others financially, emotionally or physically. Defiance feels like grabbing power, but personal power can't be stolen from you. You get to decide how you're going to function and, even in restrictive situations, you always have the right to choose your own actions.

Whether we're talking about kids beating up weaker kids on school playgrounds, mates beating up supposedly-significant others or stealing, these are moments with the ones misbehaving are trying to feel powerful. Think of all the ways individuals steal in this world--all power issues. Whether a salesperson is driven to get the sale out of a need to feel better or a boss puts down an employee, examples of perceived powerlessness are all around us.

Check yourself--if you feel you don't have options and you're trapped in a relationship or job, you need to find out how you're giving up your own choices. You may not be seeing your own power.

KIDS CRIPPLED BY WEALTH

"We need direction. Our adult son is living with us.  He has been out of work for more than 3 years but is currently attending college ( at our expense) to try to get a technical certification.  His past employment required considerable physical labor which he is no longer able to do. He is 52, but not eligible for disability. 

He is separated from his wife of 25+ plus years, but continues to see her on a regular overnight visits while she is  living with her Mother. While at our home, our son is respectful , doesn't run around, helps with yard work etc, but we cannot see any change in the future. He says he will work when he gets his degree, but that's another year away.  Many days he is depressed, appears to have physical issues with gout and thyroid problems, but he's very inconsistent in taking his medications.  Sometimes he will sleep for hours and seems totally exhausted. When he does take his medications, he is a totally different person, but then he stops them again. 

We have tried to encourage consistency in meds, even to asking him to commit to our monitoring them, but he refuses, saying he is an adult. He is not acting like an adult if he does not take them, knowing it would help his life. He loves the classes he is taking, but we know he will not succeed on his own if he also doesn't take needed medication.    

We have considered telling him to take care of himself, get a part time job, seek counseling, etc or he cannot continue to stay with us, however, I do not know where he would go.  We are living on retirement and have a limited income. We are at our wit's end. If he were abusive, disrespectful, etc it would be easy. Where/what do we do?"

 

Worried parents ( 70yrs old)

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Dear Worried Parents,

 

 

First, let me ask you some questions"

 

1. Is your son mentally impaired?



2. What will he do/how will he live once you're no longer there to take care of him?

 

I know you love your son, but I'm not sure you're helping him. If he is mentally impaired(doesn't sound that way), you need to arrange legally for his care once you're no longer able to care for him. If he's of sound mind, you need to treat him like any other person who has the capacity to care for himself. I know this sounds brutal, but its the most loving thing you could do. Cut him loose.

 

If you believe he has the capacity to live an independent life--make a salary, manage his own money, take care of his health--then you owe it to him to act as if he's a responsible adult...even if he's not acting that way.

 

Give him a deadline to move out of your house. Make it reasonable, but not generous. (You've already been pretty generous) Then follow through. Your son deserves this, even if he doesn't like it. As parents, we often have to do things our kids don't like. When he was young, you made him take his medicine. That's no longer your role, but you can stop treating him like he's fifteen.

 

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Kid's Crippled By Wealth

 

 

We've all read the news stories of the children of the super-wealthy choosing really sad paths. To many get too accustomed to privileged lives of entitlement. It's sad and all too frequent. But are your kids getting too much. You may not be wealthy and your name isn't known throughout the land, but it's still worth asking whether your children are crippled by your success.

 

Even modestly successful people--who live in nice houses and drive nice cars--have a tendency to want to give their children everything. We don't want the kids to struggle. But life is all about struggling. When my husband's cousin was diagnosed with cancer, he made the profound statement that "if money can cure it, whatever you're dealing with isn't a problem."

 

 

Life involves struggle. That's not negotiable, but those of us handle life better have learned to strive. Kids need to learn that they have internal strength and fortitude; they need to know without a doubt that they've handled hard times before and can handle them again.

 

I've seen clients crippled by their parents' money, sitting around, feeling trapped, waiting for the will to be proved. You want your kid to struggle. Be emotionally supportive. Pay for college if you can, as long as the kid's actually making the grade. Help when it's helpful, but don't think you can remove the struggle. 



LAST DITCH EFFORT--MAKE RELATIONSHIPS LAST

I get why people don't come into counseling when they first have trouble in a relationship. It's weird to sit down and talk to a complete stranger about very personal things...besides, you hope it'll just go away. Relationships are complex and vital and, outside of parenting, they're the hardest thing we do in this world.

Clients often come see me when everything is going to hell--someone has used the "D" word, if they're married, or someone has cheated. Conflict with the one you love can be gut-wrenching. But ignoring the conflicts until something--or someone--is on fire can mean that the relationship is over before you actually walk through my door.

When issues fester unresolved in relationships, people get tired and eventually decide to leave. Both or one of them may have been unhappy for a long time. The other partner can be completely oblivious to how unhappy. I get calls nearly every week from someone startled and torn up over a relationship that seems to be falling apart.

Many unhappy coupled individuals stay until they find someone else. Sometimes, infidelity takes place when one or both didn't even consciously thing about how unhappy they were. I recently read the statistic that only 30% of relationships survive infidelity. This doesn't mean you can't survive it; only that doing so takes stamina and a willingness on both parties to look at the problems that were there before the cheating happened.

And, of course, the trust has been seriously damaged at that point.

Relationships are incredibly fulfilling--we keep getting connected to others--and incredibly difficult. At the most personal level, we are our worst selves. This is crazy because it seems logical that we'd be the best of ourselves with the ones we love most. But intimacy means being emotionally naked--that means the good parts and the not-so-good parts are visible.

We are most affected by the ones we love. When there is trouble with an emotional partner, we are deeply troubled. Don't ignore this. Find a trained therapist you feel comfortable with and start working your way toward resolution.

The best relationships are based on both of you getting what you need.

HIGH SCHOOL TO COLLEGE--MAKING THE LEAP

Being a kid can be both pretty cushy and really frustrating. The problem with being totally dependent on others(parents who love you) is that kids tend to secretly doubt they can make it on their own.

You parents might have praised every grade they got and made sure they received participation trophies, even when they didn't win, but this doesn't make your kids confident that they won't screw up big time. Parents don't tend to trumpet this to their kids, but we all fail sometimes. While this stings and is no fun, we find a way to deal with it and, if we're paying attention, we learn from failure.

When kids are growing up, they become resistant, risk-taking jerks who scare their parents weekly. They hang out with other kids their parents don't like and they secretly go places parents don't think is good. In addition to the really scary texting and socializing while driving, they sometimes get into using alcohol and drugs.

Parents get terrified when kids hit the teen years.

New flash--kids are terrified, too. They aren't sure they can break into the adult world, including earning an income and paying their own cell bills. It's at this age of bursting forth into adulthood that more and more kids develop intense anxiety symptoms. They have panic attacks and they cease to do things that used to come very naturally.

I've noticed that they higher kids' goals, the more likely they are to have anxiety.

As parents, we've gotten accustomed to cushioning the blows. We go with them to the principal's office and to the traffic court. We try to be there for them in ways that no one was there for us. As they head toward high school graduations or jaunt off to college, we look forward to cheering them on. They, however, may be having a hard time breathing.

This can still be a tough time.

It's a very scary tightrope for parents because kids don't need us to rescue them, even if that's what they ask for. We parents get to be reasonably supportive, but not encourage them to run from their responsibilities(legal or financial). We have to stand back, mind-channel belief in them and refuse to pick them up when they fall. They have legs; they can get up themselves. Kids need to know they can do this.

My own daughter--now an ER resident in Brooklyn--has bitterly said that nothing came easily for her. She didn't get the first job she applied for; didn't like the one she ended up with. The college she attended didn't award her with the full scholarship she tried for. She didn't get into med school the first time she tried and on and on. I'm sure she has a list of disappointments. Still, the kid has managed very well and now has a pretty good backbone. When she deals with snotty superiors and demanding patients, she's good at listening. She's also learned to let most of unfounded feedback roll away.

As parents, we know the scary roads they could choose, but we don't get to direct them. We do, however, need to believe in them. We need to convey that we know they can face their challenges, even if these are big. They need us to believe in them because they're having a hard time thinking they can really do these things. They need us to see them more accurately than they see themselves.

HAPPY PARTNER?

Although some individuals seem to enjoy a competitive interaction with their mates, you need your partner to win sometimes.

Some people work hard to win as many relationship arguments as they can, but this can backfire on you in a big way. If your partner always loses with you, she won't want to be with you. Even though you enjoy getting your own way and you don't have to mess with compromise this way, your mate is likely to eventually find a more hospitable relationship.

You want your partner to thrive.

Although it may mean you losing sometimes and you'll certainly have to go out of your way, you really want the person who is closest to you to be fulfilled and happy. While you cannot "make" your mate happy--if you have the power to always arrange life for someone else, you're the first--your partner's needs and wants have to be high on your list of priorities.

We stay connected where we feel valued and we feel valued when the other person wants us to have what we need.

I drive a small, fast car because that's what I like--speed and agility. While my husband enjoys driving my car, it's not what he himself wants to drive all the time. You are your mate have different personality and different preferences. This is good for everyone. Even though, you don't get her wanting something so different from what you want, doesn't make her wishes any less valuable.

Don't take the responsibility for making her happy, but listen to her. Listening is the most tremendous relationship tool that everyone disregards. Listening is huge. Even if you don't agree with what she says, you need to resist the urge to disagree and explain. Hear your mate.

You want her to be happy.

You want your partner to care about your wishes, to function in such a way that you get what you want sometimes. So work hard on doing the same.

NOT "IN LOVE" ANYMORE

Sure, you were in love in the beginning. You just wanted to spend time with each other. It didn't matter what you did and, whenever things in your life were very bad or very good, he was the first person you called.

Things are different now, though.

A lot of couples say they just want to "be back to where we used to be", but I always tell them this isn't so. Going back to the giddy, "in love" beginning might sound great, but you came to the current moment from that place. We want you to be better. Or not to be together.

I'm all good with helping couples learn how to work through conflict to a resolution that enables them to enjoy each other again. I think this is as exciting as it is challenging.

It is a sad reality, though, that one half of that couple has already decided to leave the relationship in a significant percent of couples who walk through my door. Many have fought the good fight so long that any emotional attachment to the partner is faded. 

Sometimes the relationship has been estranged and/or conflicted to the point that one or both have found other romantic partners. They either come to see me because 1.) they want to make sure they've done everything, 2.) because they're worried about the mate they're leaving and want me to help soften the blow, 3.) they've 'fallen in love' with someone else or 4. because they just don't know how to say they're leaving.

When a person has decided to leave a relationship, they're leaving.

I, as a therapist don't have any right to offer them feedback they don't want. I don't get to tell them what I think they should choose. I don't get to tell them what to do. It's not my place. On random occasions when I can, I usually point out relationship challenges that will probably pop up in the next relationship. If an individual doesn't speak up with one partner, they're not likely to do so with a different mate. We take our personal challenges with us. Relationships involve two people and the issues of both of those individuals.

No matter what songs and stories have said, there's no one magic person with whom all our issues disappear. Leaving one mate doesn't usually solve our personal struggles to stand up for ourselves, express ourselves or learn to be truthful.

It's also easier to address personal relationship challenges--behaviors that come back to bite you--when you're in a relationship. While it may seem like a great plan to get everything fixed before you wade into dating, this isn't a very functional plan. We learn best in interaction and while therapy is an interaction of a sort, the most powerful learning comes from working through issues with the person closest to you.