Sometimes They Won't Like You

Rejection feels bad, so much that some individuals live their entire lives avoiding others’ disapproval. Some people are very good at this though most individuals only have modest success—triumph in this area usually comes at the expense of their own needs and desires. Still, if you’ve spent your life as the “Golden Child”, the good employee, the best friend, then you may find yourself going to extremes to stay in others’ good graces.

The cost can be high.

Still, rejection hurts. You can really struggle when you’ve put a lot of effort into keep others happy and this doesn’t work. There are plenty who’ll tell you to give up on being concerned about how other people see you, but this is a hard habit to break.

What if rejection is completely unearned? If you date someone and they treat you badly or act disinterested, their negative response may very well be their issue. Or it may fall under the just not that into you category. Still, if you’re someone who works hard at being liked, this can be unsettling.

Aren’t we supposed to make others happy? Isn’t that part of love? Part of being a good person? And being liked feels so much better than not being liked. No question about it. The issue is one of balance. If you sacrifice too much for others’ approval, you’ll end up angry with yourself and with them. Sometimes, getting approval comes at a significant cost. You might need to tolerate some rejection. If a relationship requires you to consistently sacrifice your own desires and wishes, it becomes a job. One you don’t need.

Being aware of others is a good thing, but you need to live your life according to your own values. Others have their own agendas…they want what they want. Sometimes, even good people tick others off.

You need to live your life according to your own beliefs. This means you have to actually know what you believe. Spend some time thinking about what’s important to you, what you think makes a good person. Processing this enables you to have an internal compass. You bring yourself to each situation and it’s both exciting and scary to realize you’re deciding who you are. You get to—are responsible to—construct yourself. You grew up in a certain value-set and this has a lot of influence, but the bottom line is your decisions on how to live your life.

Rejection is a crappy part of life. But it’s somewhat non-negotiable. You can’t do away with it all together, no matter how much you want to. Others are not always going to understand your positions or actions…and even if they understand, they may disagree.

Living a good life means living by your own internal integrity. You need to know what you need. What you believe.

Relationship Power Differentials

Challenges abound when one partner in a relationship has more power than the other. This can be earning-power, celebrity-power, ethnicity-power or citizenship-power. Whatever gives one the upper hand. It may sound good to say that healthy relationships require equality, but our worst characteristics come out in the conflicts closest to our hearts. We fight the dirtiest when we’re fighting with the ones we love. We tend to go for the jugular when it feels like everything we have is on the line. This may not seem right, but it's the case more often than not.

Being a couple is complicated. In a time when there are more possibilities for you both, you have to negotiate how you interact. Relationship conflict is a given. If you have a relationship, you will sometimes have disagreements. Big differences in power just complicate these.

This only recently became an issue in relationships. Before this, power differentials have been built in and some people still mourn their loss. Men always made more money than women until the last few decades. In the past, only when women inherited money, or had some very unusual situation, did they have access to more money than their mates. The financial power differential was often cited as a reason for women to handle home and family responsibilities themselves—men had to make the living. This is no longer the case.

Let’s be honest--having less power than someone else feels bad. There may be a sense of security in being with a mate who has more options/more money/more skills, but that security comes with a price. When more-powerful partners are unhappy or angry with their mates, less-powerful partners can feel at-risk. There is a likelihood of thinking the one has to keep the other “happy”, no matter what. You want your mate to be happy. It’s the no matter what part that makes things sticky. Jumping through hoops to “make” someone feel whatever, isn’t good. This isn’t healthy thinking in a relationship. When one half of a couple is better-paid or better-educated or just “better” in some way, the other can feel like he’s always giving in. This will consequently lead to the less-powerful mate feeling reactive and defensive.

It’s hard from the other side, too. The partner with more power can feel apologetic for this power-differential, even when he’s done nothing to put his partner down or subjugate her. Then, too, it’s hard not to use power when you feel threatened somehow. Even partners who, in their calmer, saner moments, would never want their mate to feel less-than, can tend to use their power when in a really challenging relationship conflicts. Sometimes, it even seems like you’re trying to end the conflict by mentioning your power strength, like a mate who has a big-money job mentioning that she has to work all the time, so he should take care of all the chores. That seems reasonable, doesn’t it?

So, what to do? Bring differences in power out into the open. You have to talk about it, not just once, but frequently. In the beginning, when relationship skills are being honed, the two of you need to put the power thing on the table. If one makes more money or is from an ethnicity which has more societal value, this needs to be openly acknowledged. If the differences have a play in what’s going on between you, they need to be addressed.

The more powerful person doesn’t need to apologize all the time for the discrepancy, but she must be aware of not playing on the differences to her benefit.

Being aware of these conflicts helps you to deal with them in a healthy manner. If you can talk openly about these aspects of your experience, you have a better shot at building a fulfilling, nurturing relationship.

Marriage and Holiday Gifts

The holidays are gift time and this can be really tricky for couples. From the newspaper that comes heavy with sale circulars to television commercials that show beautiful people responding with beautiful emotions to very pricey items, the holidays can be a time we try to buy love. This doesn’t mean that you don’t really love your spouse or she doesn’t love you, but the whole gift thing can be massively complicated. It’s just about as challenging as Valentine’s Day.

There are several different ways to look at gift-giving between lovers. Some feel that “hinting” or outright telling their spouses what they want is the way to go. This group wants what they want and they don’t see any reason their mates shouldn’t give them something they’ll like. Others are of the “receive with an open heart” group and they feel strongly that people should happily receive whatever a loved one gives them.

The largest and most challenging group, however, feels that, if their loved ones actually know them, they should know what they want or, at the very least, what they would enjoy. Guess what I’d like! For these individuals, gifts represent how much their mates know them and how much thought goes into getting the right item.

Clearly, gift-giving can be very difficult.

Partners don’t always know which group their spouses fall into. If couples don’t get around to discussing their philosophies about handling money, their feelings about child-rearing or their hopes for how couplehood will actually work, they certainly won’t talk about what gifts mean to them. Too often, the holiday season becomes a time of misplaced efforts and disappointed hopes.

Your own philosophy about gifts may conflict with his. What if you enjoy going out and wandering the malls and just seeing what strikes you? You may enjoy the festive spirit of the season and feel that buying just the items on a list takes the fun out of giving gifts. If you’re with a man who thinks it only make sense to tell you exactly what he wants you to get him, you may feel all the fun is being taken out of the season. The spontaneous gift buyer hates buying off a list. The list-giver, however, may feel this is the only way to get something he’ll really like

Sadly, this sort of disconnect can lead to resentment and hard feelings between mates.

The trickiest gift style is the one that feels like a test. When individuals want their significant others to guess their deepest desires, disappointment is frequent. Shouldn’t soul mates know each other that well? If you’ve spent many years in a relationship and have worked toward really knowing one another, you’ve probably gained an understanding of your mate. Most likely, you can get a gift that satisfies your mate. But the idea of an instantaneous complete understanding of one another—soul mates—early in a relationship, doesn’t fit well into day-to-day reality.

If you can’t read your mate’s mind, the gift season can be a nightmare. Particularly, if she expects you to value what she values.

The healthiest way to deal with these kind of differences is to accept that both styles of finding gifts are fine. Some people resent having to compromise—viewing this as giving up something. Understanding each other’s differences, however, isn’t a giving up. Truly understanding each other takes some of the sacrifice out of finding the middle ground. If you know your partner’s gift style, you might want to work with both her style and your own.

There’s no harm in including both of your ways of celebrating with gifts. If your mate likes you to buy off a list, do that...and then add some small surprise of your own. If you’re supposed to guess which gift he’d most like, pay attention to his preferences. Most people aren’t secretive about what they enjoy. Valuing one another's gift style isn't reached instantaneously, but neither is a good relationship.

The solution to managing murky relationship waters has to do with understanding and appreciating each other’s differences. After all, you loved her for the ways she’s unique. Embrace that now.

Giving Gifts We Want to Get

Everyone moans about the rush of the season and about having too much to do at this time of year, but buying gifts can be fun. Credit card bills in January can be staggering, and you know this. After all, you’ve lived through a few Januarys by this time. But buying—especially for your kids—can be sooooo much fun.

You don’t want your kids to suffer the disappointments you had. You want more for them, and you’re probably too aware of the moments when you’ve not been the greatest parent. Parent-guilt is almost as universal as Catholic-guilt. Guiding a helpless infant into becoming a well-adjusted adult is a huge job, complicated by our own struggles and short-comings. Parenting is one of the hardest things we do in this life.

Especially at Christmas or Hanukkah, parents tend to throw financial caution to the wind and buy! The real challenge is to keep the buying about the kids. Everywhere you turn, there’s advice on how to keep the budget under control this time of year, but that’s hard. Not only do relatives and friends expect gifts, but your kids are making lists of things they must have and can’t live without, things their friends already have.

You can feel pressured to measure up—to your kids’ expectations and to their friends’ parents’ generosity. You want your kids to feel loved. You want them not to feel like dorks, so you try to get them whatever all the other kids have. Or what seems really cool to you.

In general, we tend to buy emotionally. Feelings are all tied up with the whole gift-giving thing. Sometimes, our feelings about ourselves. Sadly, we often buy for others what we think they want or what we’d want if we were kids or what we actually want now, regardless of our ages. Parents buy their kids video games they want to play, cars they want to drive and clothes they’d want to wear, if they still had sixteen year-old bodies.

Few other times are as easy to project your unfinished business on to your kids than gift-time. You load up the back of your SUV and use your credit cards till they’re hot to the touch. We forget to be aware of what the kid needs. If children don’t grow up with an understanding of money, it’s probably because we parents are trying to be Santa Claus year round. It’s easy to want for your own kids what you wished you’d had yourself.

Whether this means getting a parent-loan for them to attend a expensive out-of-state college, buying them a new Mustang as their first car or getting them every toy known to man, parents can give their kids too much. You love them, but are you thinking about what’s good for them when you hit the malls?

We tend to forget that children can be overwhelmed by stuff. They lose any concept of appreciating what they have if they have so much they can’t find it in their rooms. The real challenge as a parent is giving your children what they need. Knowing what they need is hard. When it comes to the gift-giving season, we want to feel good. We want to see happy, excited faces as they rip open wrapping paper. Most of us, go for the convenience foods of emotion—we buy stuff.

When you give a gift to a child, try not to focus on the wrapping-paper-flying-through-the-air frenzy. It is a bitter moment a month later when you find the gift you chose, bought, wrapped and are still paying for, at the bottom of the closet with the hundred other toys that don’t get played with. January can be harsh for reasons other than the the weather and the bills that come.

Resist.

Love your kids by not overwhelming them. Love them by practicing good financial habits yourself. After all, they may go to college someday and it’d be nice if you could help with that without hocking the house or going massively into debt.

Make the gifts about the recipient. Get your kids moderate Christmas or Hanukkah gifts. Get your spouse and your friends thoughtful, reasonable gifts that won’t have you filing bankruptcy in six months. Make the gifts about the person receiving them, not about you.

Kids and Christmas -- Does Fair Mean Same?

If you have more than one kid, you’ve probably worried about being fair as a parent. Having a parent who plays favorites can color a child’s early life. Ask any adult you know who their parents’ favorite kid was. They usually know and it still bugs them.

Kids and equality of parental love can be complicated.

When you’re a parent, you might tell your kids you love them equally, but does that mean always doing exactly the same for them all. Christmas gives you lots of opportunity to worry about this. Most parents enjoy getting gifts for their kids, but the issue of equality can make this complicated. Some parents respond to this by rigidly adhering to a “everyone gets the same” policy. Same pajamas, similar toys. You don’t want to play favorites, especially if you’ve grown up with an adult who did this with you.

Sorting the equality issue through can be challenging as a parent. There are several things you need to consider. First off, there are times you prefer one kid over the other. (It’s just you and I here--You can admit it to yourself.) If you love movies and one of your children loves watching them with you—you’re probably going to feel closer to the kid who shares your hobby. If you vote Republican and you’ve got a kid who worships George Bush—you feel connected and think the kid has her head on straight. If you love sports and your child, either plays sports or avidly watches sports with the same passion you do, you’re gonna really like this child.

It’s not that you love one more than the other, but you might feel closer to one at a given point, and closer to another kid at a different time. Emotions shift. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t love all your kids. But you won’t always feel the same towards them. Get used to it and don’t freak out.

When it comes to parental love, though, children can evaluate equality as being reflected in what you give them. So, gift-giving can be difficult. Parents tend to worry and to try and give their kids the same, or spend the same money on them, but that’s probably not the best answer. Are your kids just alike? Do they have the same interests? Engage in the same activities?

Probably not.

If they’re not the same people, don’t treat them just alike. While it may be scary to think about investing differently in your kids, you need to do the tough thing. Respond to the individual child. Give her gifts appropriate to her, give her what she needs and wants. If your kids feel acknowledged and validated in their uniqueness, they’re probably not going to get crazy about one of them having an extra gift.

Love the kid, give the kid what’s good for that kid.

Friendships, Gifts, and Christmas

Friends add comfort and warmth to life, not to mention fun, but at Christmas time, the gift issue can be stressful. Having someone who you like to hang out with, just makes everything better, but do you buy them a gift? If so, what? How much do you spend? What if you have more disposable income than your friend? Do you buy something you’ll think they like, but costs more than they can afford to spend on you?

Why can’t this be simpler? If this is your friend, you know her likes and dislikes, her hobbies and longings. That might make getting a gift easier when you go shopping or it could make things stickier.

You might want to start with the question of whether you’re getting each other gifts, at all. There are some of us who like tokens of our friendships to be spontaneous and unstructured. This means you want to let an idea hit you and offer the gift to your friend without discussion before hand. It can be a fun, charming experience…or you might be treading on shaky ground. What if your friend doesn’t like the commercialized aspects of gift-getting at Christmas and Hanukkah? You might know this, but not having any conversation about the tradition beforehand, you might not.

What if your friend is on a very tight budget and doesn’t like to talk about it? You might have seen a charming necklace that will go with her favorite outfit and you snapped it up without thinking. Does the gift surprise your friend to the point of you having something for her and her not having a gift for you? What if she belongs to a religion that doesn’t believe in participating in the exchanging of gifts at Christmas?

Talking about gift-exchanging early is probably a good idea. While some people feel this—and the swapping of lists—takes some of the fun out of the season, it might be a safer alternative than springing your idea of Christmas on them. If you and your friends have a disparity in financial resources, talking about everyone’s idea of gift-getting is a good plan, and this is when setting a limit on an amount of money spent on a gift makes sense. It is also a good plan for the one with the tightest budget to set the limit.

This kind of conversation requires tact. You might want to start with “Shall we exchange token gifts this Christmas?” Then, bring up the idea of lists. While the more spontaneous gift-giver dislikes being limited to the items on a list, this can give you an idea of the individual’s needs and preferences. Otherwise, you’re likely to buy gifts you think are cool, but which have greater chance of ending up in their garage sale or charity donations. While the one with the biggest disposable income needs to be the one to mention the idea of lists, the one with the smaller income should be the one volunteering a monetary limit.

This is way more complicated than in previous days when our grandmothers knitted winter hats for their friends or baked cookies for them. Either of these is a lovely gift, even now, but some friends really prefer a gift card to Itunes.

It’s okay to talk about these things amongst friends. Having affection for one another includes avoiding Yuletide embarrassment when possible.

Husbands and Disappointing Gifts

He should know better. Even if he misses your clues that you’ve been hankering after a diamond “journey” necklace, a special perfume or that hot car, he still has to know that you’re not going to be thrilled with a new rifle/washing machine/elasticized polyester pants.

If you’re an avid hunter, the rifle may thrill you. Not so much, when your spouse buys you something he’d enjoy or something cheesy he found in a last-minute trip to the mall. Christmas can end up being more than disappointing…it’s just another big moment when you don’t feel loved.

Despite the commercials to the contrary, not everyone longs for a diamond necklace, but there are things you’d enjoy finding under the tree. Something tailored to you and your lifestyle. Maybe something you wouldn’t get yourself, but you’ve looked at wistfully and thought If I ever win the lottery….

Most adults have responsibilities and—most of the time—these come first. You may not feel okay getting yourself a gift when it’s the season to give to others. On the other hand, you don’t want to have to plaster on a fake smile when it’s time to open your gifts. Lots of people do this and feel horribly guilty that Christmas is mostly about disappointment. After all, you tell yourself, it’s the thought that counts. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems like he didn’t put much of that to use when he got your gifts.

When you live with a person, it seems like he ought to know what you like and don’t like. Maybe you have a secret yen for specialty coffee, but sternly refuse to let yourself to spend the daily family budget becoming an Starbucks addict. It might be nice to get a gift card that enables you to treat yourself without guilt. Or you might have a beloved car or SUV that’s grime-covered and you long to get it detailed. Maybe you have a secret penchant for milk chocolate that you only satisfy when you go to the grocery store alone. (Gotta set an example for those vegetable-avoiding kids.)

A small box of exquisite chocolates…just for you, would touch you and let you know he understands.

Most women have a long list of people they buy for…mothers-in-laws and co-workers. Children and mates. It may seem sometimes like you’re always on your own back burner. If you have a good marriage, you might enjoy looking for just the right gift for him. You love him. Your gift for him is just a reflection of this…but does that emotional significance come back to you?

You might end up splurging on something for yourself at the holidays, figuring someone should, but that can come with a chunk of guilt attached. And resentment, too.

Maybe your marriage needs a tune-up. (Get one before things get ugly. This is, after all, a major life investment.) Or maybe you just need to have an open conversation with your spouse. Have you told him how you feel? Does he even know that his goofy gifts don’t really amuse you or that you could do without the cheap peek-a-boo lingerie? You guys need to talk about this.

Do it without waiting until you want to explode. No good conversation takes place when you've bottled up your feelings until you find yourself spewing all over him. It might be hard to believe that he doesn’t know how you feel, but he really might not have been able to connect the dots. If you speak one language and him another, he might not know how to translate. Help him, and do it without anger, sarcasm or tears.

All he’ll get if you do explode is that you’re mad. And then he’ll likely feel defensive and want to point out all the good things he does(which you don’t apparently appreciate). None of this will help you feel particularly listened to or understood. It’ll be another pointless argument and you’ll end up telling yourself you were right about keeping your dissatisfaction to yourself.

Talk. Remember that you love him and you—overall—feel loved by him. Tell him how you feel and that you know he loves you. He’ll be able to hear you much better if you start from a place of strength in the relationship. Talk. He wants to hear you.