Guilt -- A Pointless Exercise

You have sex with your best friend's girl…you have guilt. That's the way it's supposed to work, right? Guilt is the bad feeling you have when you do something wrong--but wrong is opened to a lot of interpretations. Of course, having sex with a friend's girl is considered guilt-worthy by most(unless he invites you to hit that and then we're talking a whole other thing).

Say you're in a relationship and your mate punches you. Nothing you do could make you deserve to be hit, but lots of abuse victims feel guilty. They "made" their loved one mad, said something stupid, did something bad, et cetera. They feel guilty for doing something that made their lover beat the crap out of them.

Is guilt a one-size-fits-all emotion no matter what the situation? Is it totally subjective and open to interpretation? What makes one person feel guilty doesn't faze others? And is there actually an point to it?

Usually when you do something you know you shouldn't do, feeling guilty is a natural consequence. Religions have been built on the emotion of guilt, some of them offering lists of what you shouldn't do. But how do you know the difference what you're really supposed to do and what you just feel you're supposed to do? It's not always easy to know.

What about cheating on your income tax or stealing paper clips from work? Same thing as lying to your mother? What if your mom asks you things that are none of her business(yes, there are some things that your mother doesn't have a right to know). Some people claim to feel guilty all the time about all kinds of things. Guilt, for them is like the sky being blue. Its just always there.

The emotion of guilt--as opposed to the verdict when a jury foreperson stands up and announces you're guilty--is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes you just feel guilty, but what you feel doesn't always match up to objective reality. Can you find an objective reality about the things you should or shouldn't do? The emotions that don't make sense?

The word "guilt" is defined as a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, whether real or imagined. Its the imagined part that makes this emotion so problematic. Much of how we feel is derived from what we believe, about ourselves, others and the world. Our morals and values help us decide what we "should" and "shouldn't" do, but there are a wealth of situations that don't exactly have clear moral directions.

Truthfully, unless your feeling of guilt motivates you to turn yourself in for committing a robbery or some other crime, its probably not very useful. In fact, most of the time when you stew in guilt, you're just wasting energy. Usually, when people talk about having guilt, it doesn't make them behave any better or treat others with a great deal more respect. They just feel bad and then try to do something to distract themselves from the feeling. Guilt tends to be something you use to drain energy, but you may not actually behave any differently. It's the behaving differently that matters.

You may regret an action--just make sure you learn from it. Regret is understandable and can help you know the choices you don't want to repeat. Change your choices, don't just brood over them.

So, let non-productive guilt go. If you've done something you believe you shouldn't have or you've not done something you believe you should have--fix it. Day-to-day guilt is a crime against life. Quit wasting the emotional energy dragging around a load of guilt. Don't fool yourself, feeling bad doesn't make you a better person. If you can't--or won't--fix whatever is haunting you, feeling guilty is just self-indulgent. Let it go or act to make it better.

Does Parenting = Growing Petunias?

Who do I think I am to activate a kid's potential? Am I living the life I want to live? Parents too often get caught in the belief that its their responsibility to make sure their children grow up to be certain kinds of individuals. Its like we're raising a garden, rather than children. If we plant carrot seeds, we expect carrots to grow. Bright orange, pointed with leafy green tops. All carrots are pretty much the same, but growing a human is quite a different thing. This doesn't mean that we, as parents, get to abdicate our important role in our children's development. We are very important to them. We must, however, evaluate our impact on our children without attempting to moralize or "guilt" them into certain kind of behaviors.

Our parents may be critical of the way we parent. They may not understand how we are with their grandchildren. They may think we're over-indulgent or overly-strict. Their observations can be valuable to us as long as we’re not still reacting ourselves as our parents' kid. If we can be open to looking at our own behavior instead of being compliant or resistant children ourselves, grandparent feedback can be a good thing. Parenting challenges require us to grow up and look at what we really want in our lives. Who we really want to be. So, instead of looking at a certain parenting style, maybe we ask what you want in your life?

You may not still be a kid, but you still want certain things in your life.

Personal freedom is a major issue. The United States is built on the concept of freedom; yet we seem to be experience freedom less than ever. Does being free mean you can do whatever you want, whenever you want? Do we allow our children to define freedom for themselves or are we imposing our ideas on them? What would happen if they could do anything they wanted? Does being free mean having no consequences for our actions? I ask these questions to stimulate you to examine how you resolve these issues for yourself. How does that carry over to how you live with your children? If you allow yourself the freedom to keep a messy garage or bedroom, is it okay that your children do the same in their bedrooms? Or maybe your spouse is afforded this privilege, but you still expect your children to keep their rooms clean. Typically, parents say, "I want something better for my children" or "I work too much, trying to make a decent living to provide all the things everyone wants. I don't have time to be organized."

Ask yourself, whose decision is that? You've chosen to place some behaviors at a higher priority--work, child care, groceries--than other things. Keeping your room, desk or car clean.

Many parents complain that they don't get enough "respect" from their children. Parents say they want their children to "respect their teachers" or other authority figures. Again you need to ask, how do you respect your child? When you ask a question, are they allowed to say, "No." The very structure of a question means that those being "asked" get to choose the answer. Otherwise, the question isn't really a question! I am frequently amazed how parents will "ask" for their children's help and then become upset when children decline to do so. Respect has to work both ways.

Perhaps you are talking on the phone and your child wants to know to whom you are talking. Maybe, you don't want to tell them. Do they have the same right to refuse to tell you who they're talking with? You might insist that you’re the parent. You don't have to follow the same rules that your children do. But, that logic will only carry you so far. Remember, modeling is one of the most effective ways we humans learn. Your kids are watching you--watching how you act with them.

Language is also an issue for parents. They'll say, "I don't know where they learned to talk like that. We never use foul language at home." Language is representative of an attitude. In the forties and fifties, racial tensions in America were heightened more by the attitude of the adults than by the language of the whites and blacks. Do you complain about getting a speeding ticket or about paying taxes? Do you talk about how the government is cheating you by taking so much of your money? If so, your attitude might be perceived as adversarial with authority figures or government officials. These kind of attitudes have an impact upon our children. Why shouldn't they have contempt for the law when we've demonstrated the same? When parents hear kids call police officers ugly names, they're appalled. What did you call the officer as you were driving away from getting your last traffic ticket?

I am not suggesting parents can never voice frustrations in front of children, but that you also need to acknowledge your personal power. If you drive faster than the speed limit, you're choosing to run the risk of getting a speeding ticket. If you disagree with something a governmental body or an official does, talk to your children about voting for someone who supports your beliefs. Educate your children about the idea of making a difference. Use language to reflect attitudes you feel good about. Explore the attitude rather than trying to extinguish the language.

Parenting is one of the most challenging things we do in this world and ranks right up there with trying to maintain committed intimate relationship. Its harder than brain surgery and rocket science. Parenting has so many pitfalls and stumbling blocks that its easy to abdicate responsibility. "I can't control them," you'll say. Sometimes, we try to control everything in our children's world so much that we end up exhausted at the end of the day.

There are no easy answers, but it is important to explore where you are in the process. There is nothing like living with a child--particularly, a teenager--to make you examine yourself and your value system. You didn't have children to find the best way to be miserable. So examine yourself. Look at how you contribute to and participate in the experience you have in your family. This is the only way you can know what is working for you and what is not.

Life Changes & Depression

Everything is going so great…why do you feel so bad?

Marriage, a promotion on the job, retirement, a new child--these are all things people say they want. Reasons to be happy, so why do you feel so overwhelmed and struggle to keep from breaking down into tears? Even new situations--the same ones you've dreamed of--will bring new challenges. Sometimes the very thing you've fantasized about can involved a move, a new financial situation, new activities. This is a lot of change, all at once. While you may have dreamed of these changes and you expected to be smiling all day, every day, change usually comes packaged with some scary stuff, too.

You may think you're losing your mind. After all, you don't have a reason to be sad! Even admitting it can be hard, but don't think change isn't challenging. Even the longed-for can sometimes be overwhelming.

New relationship experiences--moving in together, getting married or an overdue break-up, can bring you face to face with issues that you've never dealt with before. Suddenly, your space, time and money are all different. No matter how much you may have talked about all these things, there will still be surprises and, sometimes, they won't be pleasant. Any significant new role change brings new expectations. You may expect certain things of yourself, and others may also have images of what change will bring, as well.

The parenting experience, for instance, is frequently loaded down with a wide variety of emotions and expectation. New parents have usually watched others parent and, as they approach parenthood themselves, may have told each other, "We'll never be like them. We'll be different with our kids." And you may be…but you may also find yourself doing and saying stuff you swore you wouldn't. Everything looks different from this perspective.

Life change brings, well, change. You're suddenly thrown into completely new situations and those things and people who made up your comfort zone may be completely changed. The dream job can require you to move to another city where you know no one. You may find yourself over-whelmed with new responsibilities and end up convinced that you can't do this job.

Even situations that are the stuff of fantasy, such as a lottery win, can have complications you didn't expect. Maybe you find the love of your life and she's a millionaire. You don't need to work anymore! Suddenly, the job that stressed you is no longer needed and you skip out the door. But after a few months of vacation, you can start feeling like you've slipped into another, unfamiliar universe. Like you're not really yourself anymore. A new parent who has decided to stay home with the baby might find her or himself floundering without a sense of self-definition.

Who am I now? Just Aiden's mother?

Life changes--even good ones--take some adjustment. The situation you've dreamed of may not fit you exactly and, even though others can't always understand, you may need to do some tweaking. Maybe you've always worked because you've had to. Most of us do. If you're comfortably retired, it may be time to think of the kind of job you'd like to do. Maybe you've been a computer technician who really likes to cook. Maybe cooking is like playing for you. You don't have to throw yourself into becoming a big time chef to enjoy your life. Even thinking about doing that can be overwhelming. You can, however, find a place to enjoy cooking for others. There are many options.

The secret is to find the life that works for you. This can be challenging, but can also make a world of difference. Whether you are a new parent who decides you need to work half time and you end up splitting baby care duties with your spouse, or you've married a millionaire and now you get to volunteer your time when you want to. Figure out what works for you and stop telling yourself that you're crazy for feeling depressed. Even good changes involved change and most have big requirements.

Don't Hate the Boyfriend

It's always a temptation to blame the guy she's dating.

She's skipping school or lying. She doesn't answer her phone when you call. Parents and friends always want to blame the boyfriend. She was never like this until she started dating him, you want to insist. You may have even wished bad things on him, like a runaway bus colliding with his "crotch rocket". Then life could go back to normal…she'd excel in school again, she'd stop underage drinking or she'd stop blowing off her real friends.

But don't hate the boyfriend. It may not be about him at all.

Maybe she's older--not a teen any longer, let's say. She's a co-worker or someone you've known forever. Suddenly, she's not returning your calls and making excuses for why she can't hang out with you. You know she's either going to be with him or hoping to get his call. You're not just second fiddle, you're not even in the band.

We always want to blame the boyfriend--or girlfriend.

If you love someone and they've loved you, too, it's a real struggle to understand how they could "suddenly" be so unloving. How they could act so inconsiderate of you. All the bad stuff started after your friend or your kid started dating this "bad influence." But, in blaming the boyfriend or girlfriend, you're missing the point…and looking at the person you care about as a spineless, helpless victim.

If you're going to hate anything, hate what she's doing to herself. See her as a person who's capable of choice. Yes, she maybe making bad choices--sometimes, really bad choices. But if you continue to cast her in the victim role, you're robbing her of her own power.

You don't have to like the boyfriend. He's probably gone out of his way to be unlikable, but you don't get to blame him for all her problems. She's in charge of her life, even if she's still a teenager. Even if she's an adult who's very confused.

Blaming the boyfriend is easier. If you allowed yourself to see her as responsible, you'd be really, really mad at her. And you love her. But by seeing her as a victim, you're robbing her not only of responsibility, but also of power. She can change--her choices and her boyfriend. Only she can make her life better. She has the power. And more than ever, she needs you to believe in her power.

Of course, you're mad at her. You just can't understand how she could make the choices she's making. That's the hard part about loving someone, allowing them to put themselves into bad situations. But not allowing choice is saying they're not capable of living their own lives. It's like saying you should always be in charge of who they are and you don't really want that.

You may not like the boyfriend--or who she's become with him--but you need to remember she's the one making the choices. This won't stop you loving her, even if you're really, really angry and very frustrated with those choices. It will, however, allow you to step back and let the consequences of her choices have an impact.

She's a grown-up (or nearly one). Believe in her.

Why Opposites Attract

She likes to go out, and enjoys meeting new people all the time; he likes time for peace and quiet, just the two of them alone. She's very down-to-earth and practical. No nonsense about her! He's an absent-minded professor type. He may be very intelligent, but he sometimes wears one black sock with a blue one. She likes action movies while he secretly(he is a man, after all) prefers weepy chick flicks.

How did these two ever end up together?

It's that yin and yang thing. Couples who are very different in personality find one another endlessly interesting--and maddening, sometimes. Try as you might, you just can't get how your significant other thinks! And still, this is the guy who flips your switch. The one who you just can't stop thinking about. The person you feel most at home with.

You send each other over the edge. Opposites do attract…and the part that you liked about your lover, initially, can be the thing that makes you nuts. Still, being very different is not a bad thing for couples.

The person who is so fascinating to you may be--probably will be--the one who frustrates you the most. How does he even see things the way he does? Looking at the world from a different perspective can feel like wearing someone else's clothes. It just doesn't feel normal, but seeing from a different perspective just might allow you to get outside your own head and broaden your view of life. It's actually a good thing.

Opposites attract because they complement. The one who knows how to play may need someone who knows how to pay the bills on time. This is not to say you need to marry someone to keep you in line, but complementing personalities offer one another balancing strengths. Playing is just as important as on-time bill paying. Living a really successful life requires both and you both have many things to offer one another.

Where you can run into trouble is getting into a relationship with someone who has very different values, however. Values have a lot to do with the kind of life you want to live and this is very important to the success of a relationship. If you are a teetotaler, you probably aren't going to be happy with a mate who spends all her social time bar hopping. If you don't see yourself as a soccer dad, don't marry a woman who wants spend the weekend in her SUV carting a half dozen kids to their games.

Shoot for opposite personalities who see different perspectives, but similar values. This combination allows you to see better and bigger ways to deal with life. Having a relationship with an objective, rational type person is generally good for the warm, fuzzy type. You may struggle to understand each other, but you can each learn valuable ways to balance yourselves. Balance is tremendously important and can help you live a better life.

Having a mate who's opposite can help you become the best you.

The Messy Room

Yes, parents, it is your house. You have a responsibility to help your kids grow up into good-functioning adults, but…do you always make your bed?

Ironically, the thing most parents complain about is the state of their kids rooms. They can be dealing with kids who are failing in school, kids who use alcohol and teenagers who steal their cars, somehow the messy room always works its way into the counseling conversation. This is not to say parents don't care about the big things like failing grades and drinking. They are very worried about these things, but it's easy for parents to miss the significance of letting kids keep their rooms the way they want.

One parent embarked on a Great Experiment when her six-year-old daughter, whom she had insisted keep her room neat, said to her one day, "Mom, it's my room. What do you care?" From that moment on, the mom began an experiment that lasted for twelve years. She let her young daughter keep her room any way she wanted to. The only thing she insisted on was that the "shared areas" of the house--the ones where the rest of the family also lived--were kept picked up. No clothes, shoes, or backpacks were to be thrown all over. The girl could keep her room any way she wanted as long as she kept the rest of the house free of her belongings and didn't take food into her room.

Over the next twelve years, the kid lost--and eventually found--shoes, school books and clothes. She would come to her mother in distress, saying "I can't find my---." Her mother would say with a sympathetic face (and this is important. No nagging!), "Gee, that's tough, sweetie… Have you looked in your room?" Whether or not it was the girl's primary shoes or her coat or her schoolwork, her mother never went into her room to help her look for the lost items. Mom went into her room to return freshly washed and folded laundry and to tuck her in at night(as did Dad), but she never rescued--or condemned--the girl for her disorder.

The room looked like an explosion had taken place. It was BAD. It was bad for years.

Then, one day when the kid was getting ready to enter high school, her mom came home and…the room was clean. It didn't stay that way, at first. Soon, the mess was back, but it got cleaned up again and stayed clean longer. Eventually, the kid's room was one of the cleanest in the house.

Her parents had let her decide what worked best for her: clean room or messy room. She decided herself that clean worked better for her.

The moral of this story isn't that the kid ended up cleaning her room. The important thing was that she made choices--messy ones--and learned what the consequences were. She then could decide how she wanted to live.

Think about the messy room as a metaphor for life. Our kids really do get to choose how they're going to live. Starting early can help them.

Aside from keeping food out of the bedroom (might attract bugs), kids need to be allowed to chose their own level of organization. This is more complicated with a shared room, but don't think that harping on your child about picking up his toys makes him a better adult. There are adults who are very neat whose mothers(more rarely, fathers) were on them all the time about keeping their rooms tidy. Then, there are grown-up kids who are very messy still, regardless of how much their parents complained and punished them for messy rooms.

A clean, organized space may help you be mentally organized, but not all people work that way. This is a very individual thing and it certainly isn't worth the significance parents tend to give it. Consider trying an experiment for yourself and focus on the limitations that your kids need you to give them. Keeping their rooms clean probably isn't the biggest one.

It's a Bad Relationship If...

This may seem obvious, but maybe your parents fought all the time and everyone you know has husbands or wives who go through their phones or grill them on who they're talking to. Maybe it doesn't occur to you not to feel jealous.

So, this is how a bad relationship looks--

Physical confrontations. Maybe you were drinking, maybe you said something you shouldn't have. Still, hitting is not love.

You don't want the same things in life (and I mean the big things). You don't agree on where to live, how to spend your time or what's most important.

No real support. In loving relationships, your success is important to your mate. (He says he wants you to go to grad school and get that professional degree, but he expects you to make as much money as he does while you're doing it.)

Cheating (Maybe it's him. Maybe it's you). You might still love one another, but doing the horizontal mambo with a third party means there's real trouble in relationship-ville.

It's always your fault. How come it's always your responsibility when the two of you fight? Does that seem fair? Who gave you all the power?

Your needs don't seem that important. If you're a problem drinker, why does she want to keep liquor in the house?

You don't enjoy each other anymore. If it's a pain to come home, then you've got serious trouble here. Any relationship has challenging moments. Can you give yours a percentage, and if it's less than fifty, can you say why you're staying? Even at a 50%, the relationship needs serious work.

Loving relationships make you a better person. They may also make you furious and insane, at times, but if your partner helps you be a better person, that's love. Whether we're talking achieving in school, at work or spiritually, loving relationships add to your life.

Ask yourself if your relationship really contributes to your well-being. There may be reasons it's inconvenient to leave. You may have a problem admitting it failed, but maintaining a bad relationships doesn't make it a success.

If you answer the question "Why are you still in the relationship?" with something like "We get along sometimes," then you're in the middle of a bad relationship. Don't tell yourself it's better for you or your kids to stay in this situation.

Not all bad relationships turn physical. Still, if you only have two or three things on this list that fit your relationship, you still need to take a good, hard look at why you're with the one you're with.

Do your part to fix it. Get therapy. Or leave.