MAKING UP RIGHT

You're starting to think about her calling without wanting to throw your cell phone out the window and the blow-up has blown over. Now, what? While it's very tempting to snuggle up to your squeeze and pretend the whole thing never happened, this would be a mistake.

The problem with letting bygones be bygones is that you still don't get it.

What caused the problems in the first place? You guys might have gotten to the yelling point over a number of things--she was acting like she digged another guy at the club. Or she found out that you'd texted another woman(just as friends). Or you got tired of her nagging you. Maybe she acted like she didn't have time for you. You might have wanted to hang out with your dudes(and she got mad) or you just found out she bought another new pair of shoes and spent an ungodly amount on them. Whatever.

If you get friendly again, hoping this won't happen again, but not doing anything about the problem,...it'll happen again.

Even if this relationship has been hot and has lasted longer than most of your relationships--even if you love her more than you thought you could love a woman--the trouble spots don't just go away. So, make this fight up, but make it up right.

This is about solving the problem.

The first thing is to figure out what the problem really was. It may seem obvious to you(see above list of arguments), but the two of you were fighting about something more central. It may seem too girly to think about this, but what really matters is what you felt about whatever happened. Whether this fight was about money, sex or what you do with your free time, the emotions involved are where it lives.

Money hits down to the core for most people. It means security or having choices or power, but whichever, it's never unimportant. Sex is about feeling loved, powerful, desired or free. You need to figure out--when you were in the middle of the fight--what were you really mad about. Getting to this can be challenging. You'll probably have to do some serious thinking. This is an internal, generally by yourself thing, although sometimes a close friend or a therapist can help by telling you what they see. You need to know what got you hot(in a bad way).

Knowing what bothered you is the first step. You also need to find out what really bothered her--why she got all pissy. If you felt threatened and not important to her when she danced with another guy(several times) at the club, does she get mad back at you because you don't trust her? Maybe the guy asked her to dance and she didn't want to seem like she was blowing him off or you'd gone off to hang with your dudes and she wanted to dance. There are lots of possibilities, but you can't get to the core of the problem until you figure out your own reaction and try to understand hers.

Fighting is an art. Do it well and you have a good chance of being happy in a relationship. Don't resolve things and you'll almost certainly be looking for a new relationship eventually.

WHAT YOUR KIDS SAY ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Your kids may actually want you to get a divorce, particularly if you and your mate are fighting a lot or if your fights are ugly. Don't think your children don't know when the two of you are arguing. They may be plugged into their MP3 players and texting on their cell phones while playing video games, but they know. They pick up tension between the grown-ups like Bounty towels absorb spills.

Even though you have to remind your kid a hundred times to pick up the wet towels off the bathroom floor, he remembers every time you and your mate get into it. He may not seem to take sides, but he knows about the fights. He may even mention them in a very offhand way to his friends, but don't freak out that the neighborhood has all the details of your bigger blow-ups. When this is referred to between themselves, kids are commiserating--their friends' parents are fighting, too.

Your child is into his life. He's got his friends and his sports. He's living his own life. Don't think that means that yours isn't effecting him.

Of course what the kid really wants is not to have to worry about you. He cares about your unhappiness, but doesn't want this to intrude on his. He wants to go on with being immersed in his own life. If he mumbles "Thanks, mom" when you pick him up from a late movie or remembers to wish you happy birthday, you probably feel touched. But you may not be aware that the relationship choices you're making have an impact on him. And not always in the way you think.

Kids usually don't want their parents to split, but sometimes they think it's best.

If you and his dad are already divorced( or never-married-and-now-broke-up) he's aware of when you're angry with his father and he hears--no matter how careful you are--what you say about his dad.

When you decide to stay in a relationship "for the kids", make sure this is best for the children. Even when divorce involves financial changes, if you're better off and healthier, your children will be happier. While divorce doesn't magically lead to you finding a golden life, it can lessen the day-to-day stress both you and your child live with.

All parents fight...even the ones who don't "fight" have disagreements. But make sure your conflict with your mate is productive and that the two of you are enjoying each other, too.

EASY ISN'T EASY

Hard is no fun, but taking the easy road will buy you some ugly consequences. Whether we're talking relationships or jobs, be suspicious of those that don't require anything from you. Nothing that comes cheap is worth much.

This isn't to say you should climb Everest or look for impossible suitors. Just know that easy breezy is a great look, but not a great motto. Don't sell yourself short. You can do the hard stuff that's worth doing. You can earn the degree that will net you the career you want and you can face fears that have haunted you too long.

Doing scary, hard things doesn't require you to be particularly fearless, it just takes you moving forward even though you're afraid. Heros aren't built with no fear; they do what needs to be done inspite of fear. Believing in yourself isn't having a lack of doubt--most of us doubt ourselves, at times. The belief part comes from considering that you might have what it takes to do what you know needs to be done.

There are tons of things that aren't particularly fun, but which can get you into a better place--interviewing for a job you want, going on a first date with someone in whom you're interested, completing a degree. None of these are easy, but all can be worthwhile.

Easy as a life motto can cost big.

Taking the easy road can mean engaging in behaviors that are conflict-avoidant. Get real. Conflict is a part of life. Avoiding conflict on principle makes you a bad bet for a relationship and a bad risk as a friend. Participating in others' lives involves having to face unpleasant or challenging moments. You don't have to ask for them, but conflict needs to be faced when it arises.

It takes courage to admit the truth when a lie looks like the way to avoid consequences. The problem with this choice is that consequences are vital to the learning process. You need them to get verification for the right steps and realization of the wrong steps. Whether your cheating your way through an exam or a relationship, you're risking yourself. Facing up to the music can be ugly, but not facing it is even uglier.

Risk big; earn big. The harder moments in life usually involve lessons you need to learn. Go there. Believe in yourself enough to jump the high hurdles--tell your mate your true feelings. Tell your boss if you think you can handle the promotion. Tell the truth.

Ask yourself questions, even though you're afraid of the answers. Be brutal. The pay-off is that you're better equipped to handle the hard stuff. Knowing yourself will enable you to make better choices and take bigger risks with others. Don't put off paying the piper. You can handle this. You can do the hard thing. Be honest with yourself about what's really at risk and what you're really afraid of. You don't get to make others take the risks they ought to take, but you are responsible for the ones you avoid or embrace.

Moral courage is a tough choice, but you'll feel better about yourself at the end of the day.

Easy isn't easy. You may push your consequences off until another day, but they come roaring back, bigger and badder than ever. Do the hard thing--the right thing, now.

YOU DON'T GET TO TELL YOUR EX

Divorce is tough on kids, but parents who are divorcing get a real shock, too. While you might not think about this while you're dealing with property settlements and child support, you need to realize that co-parenting with a divorced parent isn't the same as co-parenting with a mate with whom you're still involved.

The break-up period can be really confusing. First, you have the challenge of coming to terms with the fact that the two of you aren't going to make it. There may have been some back-and-forth to this, with one or both of you changing your minds several times about whether things are bad enough to warrant severing the relationship. This can be exhausting. You don't always hate your ex; there was a time when you loved(and liked) her. Most people don't wish their ex dead, so separating can be difficult.

You've probably heard the maxim that once you've had children together, the other person will always been in your life. This is true, at least while the kids are minors. When they reach adulthood, things generally get easier, holidays and weddings aside. This isn't true when the children are young, though. To some degree, you'll have to interact. Some people get very creative with texting and email, never actually speaking to their ex-partners.

A reality of divorcing or breaking-up when you have kids together is that you have to let go of most input into how the other parent does her job. You have a legal say in matters of health and education, but beyond that, you usually don't get to say squat. It may seem like you should be able to say who she should(or shouldn't) date or at the least who should (or shouldn't) be around your kids.

You don't.

You usually don't get to tell you ex who sleeps over or who keeps your kids when your ex isn't there. You also don't get to tell your ex how to discipline or what pets they keep or how much they drink when the kids are with her. In some parts of the country, you may get a legal injunction against your mate having dates sleep-over, but you don't get to say who she marries. Most counties don't even have much to say about the sleep-over issue. You don't have a vote about your ex-wife embraceing a new religion--or leaving the one you've raised the kids in. She can get wild and go out every weekend. You can't make her live like you want.

All this may seem wrong. After all these are your kids, too. But the hard cold reality is that she doesn't get to tell you how to parent and you don't get to tell her how to parent. She may be lenient when you think the kids need her to follow-through or you might think she's too hard on them.

You have opinions about all of this, but you don't get to vote.

You have legal rights, of course. Depending on the divorce decree, she'll probably have to live within a certain distance of your residence. But you don't get to tell her whether she can spank or not; whether she should drink and stay out all night(as long as a responsible person is with the kids) or whether she "dates" a guy who's in prison.

Divorce or breaking up with your co-parent automatically puts all your parenting on another level. But staying together for the kids is only good when you can resolve your couple problems and get back on track. Your kids don't want you together if you're fighting constantly and unhappy all the time. They'll be unhappy, too.

If you do split, make sure you know what this means in regards to parenting choices.

RELATIONSHIP POISON

If you want to kill your relationship, never resolve conflicts. When you argue, make sure you repeat your points over and over and never listen to his. When he's talking, be thinking about what you have to say next. Get mad when he yells, and make sure you don't hear what he's trying to say.

True, no one likes being yelled at. It's rude and scary.

But people yell when they don't feel heard or when they're very upset about something. Yelling isn't the best way to get someone to listen, but it is a natural tendency. Listen to him. Hear his feelings, not just what he's saying. What he's feeling. People yell when they feel threatened or frustrated.

Then talk about what you feel. If he doesn't listen to you, tell him you love him and you need him to hear your concerns. If you have to, say the same words again calmly--like a broken record. Talk about your feelings rather than making accusations against him or telling him what you think he feels. Neither of these work.

It's natural to just want to stop fighting, to hope that not talking about the problem will give it a chance to go away. Problems don't go away, though. They sit and fester, growing uglier in the dark.

You won't get over arguments. It may seem like this is a functional way to deal with issues, but the fact that the same fights pop up over and over is an indication that the original problem didn't just go away because you stopped fighting about it.

There are two parts to giving the relationship a chance to resolve disagreements--talk and listen. Both are really, really important. You need to hear not just what he's saying, but what he feels about the situation. Let's be honest: Most individuals don't say what they feel. They make accusations and blame one another for various things.

The other really important part is to Ask yourself what you feel. Hurt, mad, disappointed, unloved, disregarded, scared--whatever. Then tell him your feelings. Both listening and talking are vital to working through a relationship problem. You can't find effective resolution if you don't start with what matters. You're upset. Figure out why.

Figure out how he feels. Ask him. Then listen to what he says. You may have to sort through his words. He might say "I feel that you are...." which isn't really a feeling. It's more of an accusation. What does he feel?

If you can fill in the blanks, this is an effective communication: "When you do this ____, I feel ____."

Don't let problems sit unresolved. They eat at the foundation of the relationship and soon enough there's nothing left of your love for one another.

Unsettled issues poison the relationship. Deal with them or deal with the consequences of not dealing with them.

NOT TOO COMFORTABLE

The womb was comfortable for your child, but he had to leave it eventually. He had to be born, to separate himself from you and to be his own person. He had to grow up.

As a parent, you've put big effort into taking care of him. You spent a fortune on his athletic shoes and his regular check-ups. You stayed up nights working to make money or bathing his fevered brow. You've worried and cautioned and worried some more.

You might also have made his life too comfortable. If your child never wants for anything, why stress about moving forward?

When adolescent children start to demand benefits as their right, trouble is starting. Some parents can afford to buy kids nice cars and send them to the "best" college they can get into, but many parents can't. Still, parents and children frequently see these--and more--as obligatory. Kids feel they have a right to a lifestyle their parents have worked hard to achieve.

Your kids need to not be given everything they want. If all needs are met like when they were infants, adolescents don't learn to cope functionally with the gap--the distance between what they want and what they have. The gap gives individuals motivation. They learn to achieve because it gets them what they want. Whether this is grades in school or money to go to the movies, kids need to see the connection between working toward and getting.

As parents have managed to improve lifestyles, they've provided tons for their children. After all, you love to give to the ones you love. But this may not be good for them.

The image of the entitled youth involves MP3 players, laptops, name label everything and money in their pockets. If the kid is working for some of this, he gains a sense of his own power. He's earned stuff, not just had it given to him.

Parental love sometimes means withholding--even if you can afford to get things for your kid and give him money, make sure it's best for him before you do this. Be very careful that you're not buying into the belief that you want him to fit in with his friends, so you buy him every expensive thing he wants. Don't deceive yourself that he needs an Iphone to compete in school or to call you if he's in trouble. Don't open your wallet everytime he holds out his hand.

It doesn't encourage your child to learn how to succeed if he never has to strain, never has to do without.

Help him learn to handle his money. Give him an allowance and don't make this lavish. Then he gets to spend as he chooses. If you refrain from giving him additional money whenever he asks, he'll learn to budget to buy the fun things he wants. Encourage him to get a part-time job. Learning to work--for someone other than you or a god parent--will help him learn how to work for a boss who doesn't necessarily love him. He'll have to negotiate through working with others and managing his schedule. He'll have to decide what's most important to him and how to spend his time as well as his money.

Parents will sometimes want their kids to pursue school activities, saying that's their biggest job. While it is true that education is very important, don't let yourself believe he's working toward a scholarship or getting into a really good college and this then exempts him from taking care of other life requirements.

Being a successful adult means making choices. Sports may be fun, but ask yourself if this needs to be your child's biggest priority. How likely is it that your child will get that athetic scholarship? Is he willing to sacrifice free time or extra money to get it? If so, he's working toward a goal and that's rewarding in itself.

Make sure you're not working harder than your child to get the things that will make him comfortable. Let him succeed. The only way to do this is help him earn his own success. Make him too comfortable and he won't see the value of striving.

ALWAYS ASK WHY

Understanding life is only less difficult than understanding yourself and the people who are important to you. Always ask why--Why you've taken a specific action or why your friend said a certain thing. Why is an important question to develop understanding.

Make sure, though, that you're really questioning, not accusing. This is important when you're trying to understand others and when you're looking at yourself.

When you have relationship issues or problems with a colleague at work, take a good look at your actions and make a determined effort to understand yourself first. Knowing why you act a certain way can be difficult, but this is important if you have any chance of changing your part in difficult situations. You need to see your part, if only to see how you can avoid getting into these situations, in the first place.

Examining your own behavior is imporant. Take a good look at the reasons behind your choices and do this without self-recrimination. You'll block your understanding if you're busy blaming yourself or telling yourself harsh, judgmental things. Look at your struggles, as well as, your strengths. Personal growth can only be experienced when you see the parts you need to grow.

It's also vital to understand the people around you. This can be even more difficult, particularly if you believe everyone reacts and feels as you do. Let me break it to you--they don't. We have a jumbled up world of all different kinds of people with different backgrounds, different needs and different desires. You need to see situations from the other person's point-of-view. This will help you make better assessments of interactions and relationships.

Always ask why. And ask it without judgment or blame. Ask why from a desire to understand. You may not always get a favorable response, but more often than not, asking for understanding will benefit your relationships and your life in general.

The hardest part about asking why is really listening to the answer. When you get a response, you may have the urge to correct the other person's statement, assumptions or accusations about you. You'll probably shoot back a reaction immediately, because when individuals are upset, they react quickly, interrupting or challenging the other person's statement. All this is understandable, but it won't get you where you want to go.

Listen with your mouth closed. Really, really listen.

You'll hear things with which you don't agree. You'll want to refute stuff as if you were in a courtroom, defending yourself. Don't. Focus on listening to what the other person says as her point of view. This isn't absolute reality. It's a perspective. We all have viewpoints. You want to hear hers. You want to listen to how she sees things.

Resist the urge to straighten her out. It won't help and it won't make you feel better over the long run.

Ask why. Ask yourself why you feel as you do. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. Always seek to understand. Seeking to understand yourself will give you tremendous gifts. If you understand, you can be more in charge of your own behavior and your life.