ADULT CHILDREN

It's not enough that they gave you stretch marks before birth and heart attacks every time your kids ran for the street, they're still troubling your sleep now. And they're all grown up. It may not seem like your adult child--over the age of eighteen--is acting very mature, but you have to come to accept what you can't change when they're at this age.

S.M. writes that she's worried about her twenty-six year old son's relationship. His girlfriend "...has called the police 3 times on [him]...for stealing her car.... She has brainwashed him into thinking that she 'helped' him by calling the police.... And now...she's pregnant."

P.G. is also concerned about an adult child. His daughter is only nineteen, but she's now pregnant by a 39 year-old sex offender. P.G. wants to tell this guy off and insist he"...break this off and not see my daughter again."

Unless this sex offender molests little children and you fear for your grandchild, you need to step back from this situation.

It is sad and painful to see adult children making incredibly poor relationship choices. You've had some years on this earth and you can see the heartache coming at them. This becomes particularly complicated when a grandchild comes into the picture and there sadly isn't a great answer to any of it.

You can't make the bad situation go away. It's understandable that you want to. Since they were tiny, you've sheltered them from cold and chased away the boogie man. This time you can't. And if you're not careful, you'll become the bad guy. If you volunteer your opinions and your kid isn't ready to see the problems or acknowledge what he needs to do about the relationship, your child will likely take all the conflict that bad relationship is stirring up inside him and turn in on you. You then become the problem and the kid may distance himself from you. Don't go here. Don't say mean things(even if they're true) about the mate.

Don't also try to make your child's life easier by giving too much monetarily or of yourself. This is a sink-or-swim thing. You have to let the kid learn.

The key here is to recognize your adult child as an adult who is capable of and fully able to make his own choices. It can seem easier to believe that the child is under the sway of an evil, harmful partner, but you need to see your child as powerful. After all, you want him to be in charge of his own life, to make his own choices and take care of himself.

Believe in him. Believe he can do this even though he's fumbling now and making bad choices. Even though you know he deserves better.

Yes, you have opinions about what "good" looks like for your kid. It may seem like he's nuts right now and you'd like to shake him awake, but believing in your kid is the greatest gift you can give him. He needs to see himself as in charge of his life. You may wish some random thing would happen to remove the bad influence this relationship seems to be exerting, but if this relationship was magically removed, there would always be others. The bad relationship isn't the issue.

He needs to learn how to take care of himself and he may have some tough lessons to get him there, but you really want him to learn these lessons.

Everything becomes more complicated when a grandchild is involved, but the approach is almost the same. Think about this situation as if a co-worker or friend were in it. You wouldn't make uninvited comments. You wouldn't tell them how to live their lives or when to leave the S.O.B. You'd sit quietly by (possibly struggling) but not saying anything unless you're specifically asked. Even if you are asked, be very, very careful what you say.

The trick here is to be loving and involved without being distracting. Your child has to deal with this himself. Don't succumb to the temptation to step in and sort everything out. Don't threaten the mate(Yes, I know this is hard.) Stay out of the way. The kid isn't twelve anymore.

Stay out of the mess. Do not fight for custody of your grandchild unless the child is actively being abused or neglected. It can be incredibly difficult to sit on the sidelines here and it'll seem much easier to just walk away. This is when love is really, really hard. It can feel like watching a drowning swimmer when you know you could dive in and rescue him, but don't give into that very natural impulse. He's got to live his life.

This may mean bad choices and worse relationships. You may have to visit your grandchild in homes you'd never occupy or wearing clothes you think are inappropriate. Don't assume care of the grandbaby or, if your child and his child moves in with you, don't act like you're the grandbaby's caregiver. Unless you're willing to go to court to fight for custody--and possibly end your relationship with your child--don't take the grandbaby as your own child unless this is a case for CPS. If the child is being cared for, do the loving grandparent thing and then step back.

Stay out of it..and beam love towards your child. Believe in him; don't rescue him. He needs to find his own strength. He needs to know you think he can do it, even if he's got doubts about that himself.

Even if you sometimes have doubts. Keep these to yourself and love him.

SHORT-TERM CONSEQUENCES

It's sad, but the only way we learn is to get the consequences of our choices. Some of these, though, are big and scary. You certainly don't want your children getting the natural consequences of running out into the street. Much of parenting is blocking the big consequences until the kid can learn to safe-guard himself. Knowing which consequences to block and which to let your kids have, though, is complicated.

Choice--consequence. Action--reaction. This is what activates the learning experience. Short-term consequences are adults' artificial ways to help kids make better choices. If a kid is making poor social choices, you want him to learn to be a better friend because in the long-run creating friendships will benefit his life. We'd rather have short-term, artificial consequences than allow children long-term, possibly irreversible consequences. The more clear and natural the link between the behavior and the consequence, the better. Whether you choose to use Time Outs or Grounding the kid from his favorite toy, the closer you can make the consequence to the behavior the more effective these will be.

Sadly, kids tend to think they're punished not because they've made a bad choice, but because you're angry. Not the point.

A very natural tendency is to shelter your child from all the harsh winds of life. You may have wished your parents would do that with you or they might have taken a few bullets for you and you want to be the same kind of parent.

It's important that, as your kids get older, however, that you don't interfere in their learning moments. This needs to start earlier than you may think. Take the lessons learned in school...the really important ones don't involved multiplication tables or grammer. Your child needs to start learning the vital lesson of personal responsibility. If he doesn't get that what he does can yield him either good or bad things, he won't experience his own power. He doesn't get to choose everything in life, but he gets to choose much of his own experience.

Responsibility and power are completely linked. Your child needs to learn how this works and he'll learn much more effectively through experience. Parents want to tell their kids these things, but kids have to experience life. Half the time, they don't listen well. They only hear you saying blah, blah, blah, rather than comprehending and using the pearls of wisdom you're trying to impart.

As a parent, you have the unenviable job of deciding when to step in and when to stay out.

A rule of thumb here is that, as the child grows older, intervene in his consequences less often. So, when he's in high school and comes up with a dirty urine test, indicating that he's dabbling in drugs, this isn't the time for you to charge up to the school and yell at them for being hard on him. When he's six and has drawn "creative" pictures on the chalkboard, though, it might be a good idea for you to talk with his teacher about what's going on with him.

When he's younger, it's appropriate for his parent to get more involved. When he's an adult, you need to step way back. You still love him, no matter how old he gets, but your parenting needs to change at that point.

Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this Earth. Giving your kid the consequences he chooses, though, is all about love.

BLENDING FAMILIES

With relationships failing and adults later dating and re-mating, children frequently become an issue. Parenting has both it's challenges and blessings, but what do you do when parenting problems spill into your relationship?

S.A. writes "...we're very happy with the exception of my boyfriend not liking my daughter. It wasn't this way in the beginning, but has been getting worse for about 7 months now. I can't take it anymore and feel it will ruin our relationship if we do not figure out how to overcome this..."

The sad fact is, S.A., that this will cause your relationship to fail, if not fixed. At least, it should, because your daughter(as annoying as she can be) deserves your care and protection. Parenting involves many blessings and many sacrifices. Kids deserved to be placed at a high priority in your world. If you have to pick--which it's hoped that you don't--you need to choose your daughter over your boyfriend.

There are many, ugly situations in which this doesn't happen and the child will never forget if you choose someone else over her.

That being said, your boyfriend probably has valid reasons for disliking the girl. Heck, she's your daughter and you don't always like her. Like and love are different things; you can have one without the other. The problem you're facing is that he doesn't love her, either.

Parenting and romantic relationships are the two hardest things humans do. Don't think this ought to be easier. It's not. However, you shouldn't have to pick one over the other. The important issue now is between S. A. and her boyfriend.

Start off by asking him to tell you honestly what he doesn't like about the kid. If he'll do this, you really need to keep your mouth shut and listen. Let him say everything he has to say without you rushing in to defend the kid. You'll probably have this urge and you need to fight it. Listen to him. Hear the things he finds troubling, then ask yourself honestly if these things bother you, too. Take some time to ponder this; don't rush into a response.

If you agree with him about the things that bother him, tell him. It's not disloyal to say what you don't like. If the kid's lying, stealing or tattling, these behaviors aren't good for the child. No one likes these and they'll cause problems for her eventually, anyway.

If you agree with him about her behavior, use the connection with your mate to brainstorm ways to deal with the child. It's a parenting reality that you'll need others to help you come up with ways to best cope with bad behavior. Sometimes, parenting is really, really hard.

If you disagree with him--she doesn't do the things he's saying--look at his issues. Parents have a tendency to be blind to their own kids' behaviors. (Think about the parents who go on the stand and plead the innocence of perpetrators who logically seem guilty.) Make sure you're being honest with yourself about your child. If you honestly don't think the issue lies with the kid, look at your partner's feelings. Does he feel threatened by the child? Is he wanting you to pick him over her to prove your love?

If you disagree with him, you need to look at relationship problems. If there is trouble over a child(and it's not really about the child), there are difficulties elsewhere, too. Take a hard, cold look at how you and he interact. Does he listen to what's bothering you? Are you really seeing his point of view? If the two of you have issues that you're avoiding, they'll find you one way or the other.

Bottom Line: You are your child's protector. If you and your boyfriend can't work this out through improved communication, you need to seriously ask if you're really taking care of the kid. If the issues in your relationship are playing out with your child bearing the brunt, you need to leave.

The kid comes first. It may be sad and you may grieve the boyfriend, but she's dependent on you. She deserves to grow up in a safe, non-hostile environment.

GROWING UP TOO FAST

Parents understandably worry about their teens and pre-teens rushing into adult choices. You know the risks, the dangers waiting. You've been their age and you'd probably do a few things differently yourself.

One reader writes asking for advice about "...what to do with my daughter. She's 16 years old and I've caught her on more than a few occasions talking sexually to boys, some of them she hasn't even met. I've tried to talk to her, whipping isn't the answer and right now she's grounded until I figure something out."

This is a very scary place for a parent to be. You don't want your child to do things that will change her life forever in a very negative way. You want to protect her, but she's not the toddler you held close to keep her from bad things. Here are a few things to try:

Listen to the kid. This is hard if she's not talking to you about her world, but she's probably saying some stuff, most of which you don't want to hear. Listen anyway. Even if you want to interrupt to warn her, to correct her, to gather her up and rush to an isolated island where she'll be safe from this until she's 35--fight the urge. Just listen to her and work on understanding her feelings, her desires, her anxieties, her point-of-view. If she's jumping into sexual behavior with boys, it's a good bet that she's trying to make a connection emotionally. She wants someone to like her, to want her. You can understand that.

Talk about your own choices. This freaks a lot of parents out because they're embarrassed about things they did and/or they really don't want their kids to make some of their choices. Still, you need to share your feelings and experiences about the choices you made. Don't just tell her your mistakes, although that's important, tell her why you did what you did. You want the kid to know that you know what she's dealing with. Tell her the results of your choices; tell her what you dealt with. Tell her this is why you're worried about her now. Don't expect her, however, to automatically learn from your mistakes. Everyone gets to make their own, as sad as it can be to watch.

Talking honestly about your choices and the results of these will go a long way toward getting your kid's attention.

Don't preach. There's a place for sermons, but this isn't it. Don't give in to the very natural urge to lecture. Kids stop listening when you lecture. It won't help.

Don't make it easy. If your daughter's sneaking out at night to do bad things or your son is quietly using dope in his bedroom, you need to ask yourself if you're making those choices easy. Are you gone a lot at night? Do you leave the kid alone for hours at a time? Many parents have work schedules that make it hard to be home when their kids are there, but this is an important part of parenting. Just being present gives you some brownie points. If you have alcohol or drug issues yourself, then you've got to face the fact that you're role-modeling some pretty destructive behavior and, while you're under the influence, the kid is on her own and probably making as many bad choices as you are yourself.

It also comes under this heading that you take away her cell phone if she's using it to send nasty texts or semi-naked photos of herself. Yes, you'll have to look at the messages sent to see what they involved. It may feel like this snooping is wrong, but it's actually part of your job. Trust me, the girl can exist without a cell phone.

Step back. This is probably the hardest part of parenting. It's also very important. You love your kids and you've probably done a bunch of stuff, like the mother who wrote, to keep them from doing things they'll later regret. There's a point, though, that you have to let your kid feel the consequences of her own choices. While this isn't usually true when the child is under the age of 18, when she's an adult, you need to back off. Accept that your child--for whatever reason--has moved into behavior with sad consequences. This may involve drugs or pregnancies or both.

Love the kid even if you hate the choices, but don't think it's good to rush in to try and clean up the mess she's making. When she's moved into areas you cannot control, you need to step back.

You need to breathe, to have a life of your own. Invest in self-care. If your child is making unhealthy choices as an adult, you need to find that emotional place that allows you to still care and be supportive, without trying to make everything okay.

Don't let yourself believe that all her ugly, scary choices are because of what you did or didn't do. She has a mind of her own. You can love her, but you're still only responsible for your own actions.

Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Some times it can be joyous; sometimes heart breaking.

ALONE BY CHOICE?

Why give yourself the grief of one more failed relationship? Why not opt out on the whole thing and embrace personal isolationism? Dump the significant other search, let your kids(if you have any) go to the devil and live all alone? It sounds like a relief, if you've been beating your head against relationship walls. So why not?

Because humans need relationships. Just look at the statistics and you'll see that humans in contact with others live longer, happier lives. Sometimes, it sucks, but we need one another.

You were born needing the care of others to keep you from dying and you still need it now. But relationships--romantic or not--are complicated and sometimes hard. Being alone might seem easier and much more simple, but that doesn't mean alone is healthier. Aside from the consideration of your physical well-being and your cardiac health, you need relationships to help you grow as a person.

It's like exercise. You need the gasping, wheezing, heart-pounding part to keep yourself from sliding into physical decay. The benefits are well-documented. Your doctor may have told you to get up off your keister and move. All to stress and strengthen the pump in your chest. There is lots of advice available to help guide you through good dietary choices and help you know which is the best activity for your lifestyle.

This isn't to say that exercise is always fun. Aside from the odd individual who loves running, biking and mountain-climbing into their seventies and eighties, exercise is generally something you do because you know it's good for you.

This is an attitude which will benefit your relationships, as well.

Being alone can be tempting, at times, but it puts you at risk. Relationships are challenging, but they can bring positives that aren't immediately visible. Just as not exercising can harden your arteries and make your heart less effective, being alone makes you vulnerable to becoming encased in your own perspective.

We all have individual ways of seeing the world, some parts of which are accurate and some inaccurate. Very few people are uniformly bad. Most of us have good qualities along with the not-good behaviors. You have your own take on stuff and part of this is incorrect. Part of your beliefs/thoughts/feelings are completely accurate, but not all. When you interact with others in relationships, your perspective bumps against that of others. The resulting conflict is supposed to give you a reason to do some self-examination.

You're not always right or always wrong, but you need someone who cares about you enough to argue this out, in order for you to see beyond yourself. Relationships can be worked out. It does take effort, but this effort isn't beyond you. You can do this.

You might not realize you're in self-protective mode. If you can't find anyone (who's not an idiot)to date, you need to look at your own willingness to wade into the water. Maybe you're fearful of being hurt. If you're not investing in others' lives, they won't invest in yours and you need them.

Believe in yourself and believe in your fellowkind. Others are stumbling along, too, and they need you. Whether you need to date outside your comfortable pool or create mentoring relationships with those still coming up, you'll benefit by opening your life.

It'll make you healthier and give you good things, along with the challenges.

PORN--THE DISCONNECTED CONNECTION

Looking at strangers doing sex acts can have an odd sense of intimacy to it. You're watching erotic images which triggers your own arousal. It's not exactly auto-eroticism because you're not completely by yourself. You can get into lots of variations from just looking at images on your monitor or in magazines from having sexual interactions via webcam. There may be phone calls and emails. You might actually hook up with strangers in motel rooms or you may sit in your bedroom at home searching for more and more on-line videos.

It can get to feel like an addiction you've tried to stop, but found yourself getting pulled back into.

The thing about on-line porn is that it's so easy and so comfortable. Heck, you're in your pajamas or you can sit totally naked and cruise the net. You may have a spouse in the other room asleep or a girlfriend at work and this porn thing feels more okay than actual cheating. Your mate may have even dabbled in it with you, at one time, but much of your viewing pleasure is alone and you may find you're going to porn instead of dealing with real life relationships.

Porn feels real without the mess of being real. At least, that's how it seems.

In actual relationships, you have disagreements and conflicts that don't feel good. You might not think your mate listens to you or cares what's important to you. If you forget to take out the trash or you're not thrilled to have her relatives around, she cuts you off and doesn't want sex. With porn, you don't have to jump through hoops for sex.

The problem is that you also don't real connections. Emotional intimacy is complicated and frustrating, at times, but it offers benefits you can't get from living your sexual life in a dark room in front of a glowing screen. In the real world, you have relationship challenges that, when faced and dealt with, strengthen you. You have a real person who cares about you and, while she argues with you, she also laughs with you and teases you and enjoys your successes.

Meeting a stranger in a parking lot and doing the nasty in your car carries risks that can seem exciting. It also leaves you empty inside.

You deserve better.

Invest in the real world. As messy as it can be, the rewards are much greater. With the challenge of communicating comes the success of learning to say what you need and of seeing her point-of-view. If you don't currently have a relationship and porn is your substitute, you're missing out. You need a living, breathing person in your bed who actually cares how your day went. Someone who gets your jokes and thinks you're smart. Get out there and start dating. It can feel as stressful as going on a lot of job interviews, but making the connection is worth the effort. Sometimes a session or two with a therapist can help you see what you're doing to trip yourself up.

Don't give up on yourself. Real life relationships can be messy and painful. They also can give you what you really need. Someone to be with. Someone who thinks you're hot and sexy and terrific. Someone to hold your hand when you're lonely (and other parts when you're feeling frisky) and rub your back when you're tired. A whole, complete relationship.

You can't find that through porn.

MAKING UP RIGHT

You're starting to think about her calling without wanting to throw your cell phone out the window and the blow-up has blown over. Now, what? While it's very tempting to snuggle up to your squeeze and pretend the whole thing never happened, this would be a mistake.

The problem with letting bygones be bygones is that you still don't get it.

What caused the problems in the first place? You guys might have gotten to the yelling point over a number of things--she was acting like she digged another guy at the club. Or she found out that you'd texted another woman(just as friends). Or you got tired of her nagging you. Maybe she acted like she didn't have time for you. You might have wanted to hang out with your dudes(and she got mad) or you just found out she bought another new pair of shoes and spent an ungodly amount on them. Whatever.

If you get friendly again, hoping this won't happen again, but not doing anything about the problem,...it'll happen again.

Even if this relationship has been hot and has lasted longer than most of your relationships--even if you love her more than you thought you could love a woman--the trouble spots don't just go away. So, make this fight up, but make it up right.

This is about solving the problem.

The first thing is to figure out what the problem really was. It may seem obvious to you(see above list of arguments), but the two of you were fighting about something more central. It may seem too girly to think about this, but what really matters is what you felt about whatever happened. Whether this fight was about money, sex or what you do with your free time, the emotions involved are where it lives.

Money hits down to the core for most people. It means security or having choices or power, but whichever, it's never unimportant. Sex is about feeling loved, powerful, desired or free. You need to figure out--when you were in the middle of the fight--what were you really mad about. Getting to this can be challenging. You'll probably have to do some serious thinking. This is an internal, generally by yourself thing, although sometimes a close friend or a therapist can help by telling you what they see. You need to know what got you hot(in a bad way).

Knowing what bothered you is the first step. You also need to find out what really bothered her--why she got all pissy. If you felt threatened and not important to her when she danced with another guy(several times) at the club, does she get mad back at you because you don't trust her? Maybe the guy asked her to dance and she didn't want to seem like she was blowing him off or you'd gone off to hang with your dudes and she wanted to dance. There are lots of possibilities, but you can't get to the core of the problem until you figure out your own reaction and try to understand hers.

Fighting is an art. Do it well and you have a good chance of being happy in a relationship. Don't resolve things and you'll almost certainly be looking for a new relationship eventually.