ARGUING, NOT FIGHTING

You may not like to argue, but doing so is the only way to work through conflict in the relationship. Don't think you can just ignore issues and they'll go away. But arguing doesn't have to mean yelling, screaming and hurling your cell phones at one another.

There's productive arguing and unproductive arguing. Whether you call this by the milder name of disagreeing or by the scary-sounding term fighting, conflict with loves ones is unavoidable. If you hate this, that's understandable. Most folks don't like being at odds with their significant others. We generally want to get along.

So, here are the rules for dealing with conflict in a healthy--if not fun--way:

No name calling:
There are couples who've been married a long time--and plan on staying married--who disagree with this. They see name-calling as a part of heated disagreements and some say this is the only way to let their spouses know how upset they are. But calling one another names doesn't help anyone to listen and doesn't get your point across. It actually rouses defenses and makes listening difficult.

Everyone needs a chance to talk:
This means you work to keep interruptions to a minimum and you don't spend the time you aren't talking in trying to come up with new things to say about your feelings. You actually listen to what your mate is saying. Really, really listen. Think of this as a situation in which you need to make sure you can take notes. It's a good idea to check with your mate to see if you heard him right. If not, then ask for a repeat.

Everyone has a responsibility to talk:
If you retreat into silence and don't say what's bothering you, don't plan on anything getting better. Individuals who do this usually say that their mate isn't listening to them anyway or just gets mad at them when they do talk. This may be true, but there are better ways to deal with the situation than just not talking. If necessary, you can repeat yourself--in a calm voice--using the same words. Do this several times, like a broken record. The repetition in the same words usually helps your agitated mate get that he's not actually responding to what you said.

Listen:
It's tremendously important that you work at understanding--hearing--what your mate's saying to you. You may disagree with his comments and you may feel like you're being accused unfairly, but you need to understand the emotions behind what your mate is saying. You need to listen.
When couples fight, they generally go for gut punches. This may hurt, but what the viciousness is saying is that the speaker doesn't feel listened to or understood. There's no other reason to get this ugly.

Accept differences in perspective:
Truthfully, you may not share every perception. Your mate may see things very differently than do you. Accepting a different view of things is vital. Don't think your way of looking at things is the only right way. That's narrow and communicates to others that they are always wrong. If you spend a lot of time telling your mate that his perspective is wrong, that he's wrong in his view of things, he's not going to feel listened to and he's certainly not going to continue wanting to be with you.

Even when you see a very different view of a situation, accept his right to how he sees it. You each have valid observations. The truth usually lies somewhere between your viewpoints.

Work at understanding what's happening to you:
This is vital and can sometimes be difficult. You need to do some serious introspection. You need to know what's really upsetting you and you need to understand why. This isn't always immediately clear to you and you may have to mull it over. This is why the old adage of "never go to sleep angry" may mean not going to bed without discussing the issue, but resolution doesn't always come with just one discussion. Sometimes, you need to think about the conflict and you need to work through your own feelings to understand why you're upset.

Accept that the resolution isn't going to be just the way you want it:
This is a big one. Resolution involves finding a middle point between your perspective and his. You aren't going to get everything exactly the way you want it. But you need to feel heard and understood. This is important and necessary. You also need some part of your concerns to be addressed in the resolution. It can't be all his way, either.

Relationship conflict sucks. You can talk about make-up sex all you want. There's nothing fun about fighting with the one you love, not if you're taking this seriously. But conflict arises in every relationship. Trying to avoid it just places you more at risk for relationship failure and isn't good for your heart muscle, either.

So talk, listen, work it through and do it before you get to the point of calling one another names or plotting murder.

Life works better when you work things through.

OVER-SCHEDULED?

As a result of our cultural desire to be "productive" all the time, we're creating a nation of people whose minds take temporary, mandatory vacations. You may believe--and have been told this by parents, bosses and the media--that you need to make the most of your time. What's not addressed in this is the brain work that's done in down time. Play time. We have a bunch of folks who get lost at random moments because they need idle time.

With a slew of people in struggling relationships--and on psychological medication--less scheduled might be a good thing.

Ever find yourself at a red traffic light in the front of a line of cars...and you drift in the moment while you're waiting for it to change? You're lost in thought and don't see the green signal, earning a honk from the individuals in vehicles behind you--those also driven to make their schedules. Your brain has just taken a holiday. Maybe you're worrying about what has yet to be done in your day or maybe you're just gone.

Do you find yourself wandering through the grocery store, staring at the items there, but unseeing? Others may steer their carts around you, muttering, if you're blocking the aisle. Go to an upscale grocery store on the weekends or evenings and you'll find the parking lot packed with expensive cars and the aisles stocked with staring CEOs and doctors. Lost in the moment.

Find yourself dreaming about a retirement that enables you to rest? To not get up with an alarm clock's buzz and to do just what you really want to do? This is a fantasy for many; the hope of quitting their jobs and having no demands on their time. Sadly, the Wall Street crash and our challenged economy is leaving high and dry some individuals who bartered their working years for the dream of a golden retirement with no demands.

Many have bought into the idea that "doing nothing" is a shameful waste of time. The same individuals fill their children's after-school hours with sports, productive activities and classes. They say they don't want the kids to be bored, but they're sending a message to the young. This approach is further validated by the demand on college applications for a wealth of extra-curricular pursuits. Kids are supposed to start non-profit organizations for the homeless and raise money for Haitian relief...all the while taking Advanced Placement classes and earning excellent grades.

We're raising a nation of depressed individuals who don't know how to play. Adults seek release from their stresses by indulging in alcohol or in smoking pot. They don't know how to disconnect otherwise.

Our over-scheduling mania spills over onto our children, too. We don't encourage children to enjoy simple activities. There's not time to just play. Play is a creative, brain-building activity that requires minimal structure. Given a toy car, a puzzle or a Slinky, young children get lost in play. They find new ways to explore simple objects. But this is the kind of play that is no longer typical. We want them to be productive. We buy them toys to enhance their vocabulary or build their problem-solving skills, not realizing that these skills are learned in unstructured, undirected time.

They need to play.

We need to play. However you define this--whatever is renewing to you--play is important. Don't think your brain doesn't need unguided moments to wander off. You'll find it doing that at random moments anyway if you don't let yourself disconnect.

Turn off the cell phone. Watch silly television, if you like. Parachute out of planes. Grow a garden--not because it's the green thing to do, but because you like playing in the dirt.

Let yourself play.

LABELED ABNORMAL

Adopting a "psychologically disabled" lifestyle is becoming a career choice for some and a lifestyle for others. With the societal acceptance of emotional challenges has come a sad embracing of incapacity.

Good therapists want to help you get functional and happy.

It's important to accept that we all have issues. Life is full of challenges and these range from personal issues, like debilitating anxiety, to struggles in developing healthy, rewarding relationships. It's hard for everyone, no matter their gender, race or economic level. Yes, life presents bigger challenges for some (just look at those dealing with significant physical limitations), but that doesn't mean it's easy for anyone.

You need to ask yourself, however, if you view life and it's challenges as something to be overcome or if you think you're defined by your issues. Do you need your issues or can you let them go, if you get help in understanding how to do this?

There are a number of individuals who seek the "disabled" label as a kind of self-definition. Typically, they believe they have a chemical imbalance that makes it necessary for them to rely on pharmaceutical medication to function. Medication can be very helpful in the short term, but believing you must take an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety medication your whole life is short-changing yourself.

The human brain is amazing and complex beyond belief, but don't conclude that you're just missing a certain chemical as an explanation of the emotional issues you're facing. This is a rough road and involves the need to tinker with medications--switching doses and medications--over the years. Brain chemistry can be changed by the thoughts you choose.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a condemnation of medication or those who find it helpful.

But embracing dysfunction has become an acceptible alternative for some people and, from this perspective, individuals never get better--are never able to heal and learn.

You deserve better. Learning to believe in one's self can be very difficult, but you can do difficult things.

Therapy can be helpful precisely because the therapist doesn't have a stake in your choices(like your friends and family). Good therapists strive to maintain objectivity and they're working themselves out of a job. They want you to get better. They want you to not need them forever.

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE?

John writes that his "Daughter is sixteen [and] clueless about how much her mother does for her. [My wife] drives her to lessons and the mall. Our daughter only does chores when asked." But John has a bigger problem. His wife is "...set off by almost anything and deals with most issues by getting angry." He writes that his wife changes the subject when he addresses a point, saying that her response to what he offers is usually negative.

He's tired of being everyone's counselor.

Sadly, this is a scenario taking place in hundreds of thousands of homes. While his teenage daughter is stepping forward into adulthood and that's a scary time for a kid. She's getting closer to this age-wise, even if she's not acting like an adult. It can also be a maddening time for parents. You're just trying to do your job. You're attempting to raise a responsible grown-up who makes good choices and sees that her behavior gets the results she's facing. You want good things for her.

Everyone's stressed here. The parents biggest concern is that their children are safe and make good choices. They want their kids to have strong careers and healthy relationships, but some of their behaviors can bring them bad stuff. This is a distressing period both for growing kids and for the parents who love them.

My best answer for John is to step back. Believe in your wife and your daughter enough to let them work out their conflicts. I know this isn't easy. You're made crazy by the fighting and you don't want to see your daughter make mistakes. Parents hate the reality that they can't stop kids from facing consequences. They want to protect their children bad things, but this isn't always possible. His wife wants him to step in and side with her. She wants him to MAKE their daughter listen. She is mad because he's trying to be the U.N., running interference between two warring factions.

Give it up, John. You can't sort this out for the two of them and trying to do this isn't winning you any points with either one of them. Your wife needs you to understand her frustrations without trying to explain the kid's feelings. Just listen and understand. Don't try to get her to stop being mad. She's in a maddening position. You also need to stop trying to explain your angry wife to your daughter. Quit defending everyone.

They need to sort through their relationship themselves.

If your wife is angry with you for not standing up to your daughter or wants you to lay down the law (Do something with her!) because your kid listens to you better, that can be complicated. Start by telling your wife that you understand her feelings. You do. Your daughter seems a little insane right now and you can see your wife's struggle with her. You may want to tell your wife to stop being so angry with your daughter(and with you!), but this won't work. People don't stop being mad because someone tells them to. If you really hear her distress and understand that she wants--as do you--the very best for your daughter--you have a better chance of her calming down with you.

You need to encourage your wife to talk to your daughter without you stepping in the middle. This can be difficult if you've always functioned as their intermediary, but you can do it. Start by telling your wife you believe in her ability to communicate with your child. Remind her how important she is to the kid. Above all, do not try to sort this out for the two of them. You'll just get beat up.

You and your wife might benefit from talking to a therapist together to learn how to better handle the challenges of parenting a teen and remaining an intact couple. Remember, when your daughter has gone off and is chasing her own life, you and your wife are left dealing with one another.

It would be nice if you could be one another's strength.

GETTING PROOF

One reader writes, "How do I know my mate is cheating? He tells me I'm imagining things. Maybe he's right. Do I need to sneak around and read his texts to get proof that he's seeing someone else?"

The sad truth is that too many people are cheating. Some estimates suggest that 80% of individuals have or will step out on a committed mate. This may be high, but there's no question that a lot of cheating is going on. If a relationship has big issues, do you need proof that your significant other is stepping out?

With cell phones and texting and on-line hijinks, everyone leaves a trail of everything they do. Finding proof of wrong-doing can be easy, if you need it--but do you need it?

Probably not. If you think things are bad and you have a suspicion of extra-relationship things going on, the two of you need to talk to a therapist. If you see issues in the relationship, you deserve to get these addressed.

Individuals can lie their way out of almost anything, so don't think you just need to confront him about this. Whether cheating a boss by calling in sick when golf is more attractive or cheating on a spouse, deception is easy. In some cases, the lies aren't very good, but when you require proof of misdeeds, you'd better hire a private snoop--or get very good at it yourself.

Needing proof can indicate other things:

You don't have faith in your own sense of the problems in the relationship. This may be indicative of your lack of faith in yourself, in general.

You know there's a real problem, but you hope you're wrong. Sometimes you feel the need of proof when you don't want to accept the reality of the relationship. You're hoping that you're imagining things. (After all, you don't know that he's really cheating. It's not like you have proof.)

You don't like the options you'd have if he were cheating. Sometimes its financially difficult to leave him, so you'd rather be wrong about what you know in your gut. Or you love him very, very much and you think all cheating has to mean a loss of the relationship, so you don't want to know if he's really stepping out on you because you're not ready the get rid of him.

Cheating doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship--and staying if he's cheated doesn't make you a pathetic loser. But cheating is a big indication of problems in the relationship that need to be fixed--both of you deserve this. The cheater isn't just a terrible ogre. The situation is usually much more complicated and deserves a good look.

But you won't get to that point if you dither around looking for him to admit his infidelity. (Why should he?) The need for cast-iron proof or for an admission of guilt can stop the healing.

If you need proof, it's there. Just look for it. If you don't find the evidence of wrong-doing, maybe you need to look at what is happening in the relationship. You're not nuts. Go on that assumption.

FEED THE MARRIAGE

Complacency is the enemy of committed relationships and it's oh, so easy to fall into. Expecting life to go on as it has is understandable, but when you get too comfortable with your marriage, trouble is surely ahead.

Daily life can be consuming and deadening. There are bills to pay, jobs that demand a lot of you and sometimes kids to care for. You get into a routine. Even the "big" moments--birthdays, holidays and anniversaries--can become ho-hum. If you're planning on the usual roses-delivered-to-the-office routine for Valentine's Day, make sure this conveys an emotional significance to your loved one. Don't just follow the regular pattern.

For some, Valentine's Day is a rip-off designed by florists and greeting card companies. It has no real meaning for these folks, but there are many who enjoy a day of showing their caring to the one they love.

Marriage can be a slog, at times, but committed relationships have the power to bring the greatest joy and comfort to individuals. Just don't forget that all relationships require care and feeding. You can't just say "I do" at the alter or move in together and think everything is set. There are two aspects you need to be aware of--resolving the conflicts that arise and conveying your affection daily.

If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, you need to act every day like this person matters to you. How you convey this is up to you, but it's a good idea to ask your loved one what makes him or her feel loved. Don't assume that you know and don't think that what makes you glow is the same thing that works for your partner. You may be a sucker for long walks in the park and greeting cards with sappy love poems, but your mate might express him or herself differently. Ask. This kind of inquiry is never out-of-line and it shows your loving concern for the relationship.

When have you felt most loved by me? At what moment?

Be careful how you ask, though. If your question is challenging, aggressive or resentful, it won't convey love. This must be asked in a spirit of interest. You're trying to find the target, to discover the best way to tell the other person how you feel. Really listen to the answer. Then, incorporate this tidbit into your demonstrations of affection. Remember, your mate probably has very different ways of feeling loved than you do. If the subject is raised in an open manner, your partner will most likely ask you the same thing. You're unique people. You each bring something different to the relationship. Different things are going to convey love to you.

Long-stemmed red roses really bring joy to some people and some individuals want this display on Valentine's Day. If the cliche works for you, say it. Others feel loved when you do other actions--this can be many things. The options are widely varied. You might love roses; he might feel most loved when you go fishing with him.

Regardless of what flips your mate's switch, you need to know it and you need to flip this frequently--not just once or twice a year--if you want to strengthen the relationship. Don't feel like you have to give your mate everything he or she wants(this is real life, after all), but make an effort to do this occasionally.

Don't fall into the assumption that you'll be together always. That's a lovely image, but a bad assumption. You can get too comfortable and forget to tell your beloved that he or she really adds to your life.

Act--every day--like this is the person you want to come home to. There are few guarantees when it comes to relationships. Don't take yours for granted.

PARENTING SCARY TEENS?

A reader says, "Our oldest daughter just turned 17 in October. She has a lot of typical teenage attitudes, but some of this is getting scary. She acts like the entire world owes her everything and she launches into her "Exorcist" mode if she doesn't get whatever she wants. She yells, swears at us, screams at the top of her lungs, and then dares us to hit her. My husband and I are both from abusive homes. I can admit that we have sometimes under-disciplined in fear of over-doing it.... Last night, she got mad because I refused to buy her minutes for a cell phone one of her friends gave her...screaming and yelling...." This question goes on to ask what she can possibly do about an angry kid who follows her through the house berating her for not giving the kid what she wants.

You love your kids, but you may really not like them sometimes. This isn't just you. Most parents don't like their kids, at times.

Reader, you need to ask yourself what's most distressing--your kid's abusive behavior or her being angry with you. If you grew up in an abusive home, you probably have left-overs. You get upset when your kids are angry with you. You want everyone to love everyone and just get along. You don't want to fight and I get that, but parenting involves letting your kids get mad at you. It doesn't mean you have to let them abuse you, however.

Unless yelling and screaming are behaviors everyone in the house engages in, this kid's actions are seriously out of line. As you found out, trying to avoid this kind of confrontation isn't working.

So, here it is--and this is a bitter pill for a loving parent--you need to toughen up with this kid. She's very close to legal adulthood (and has some adult rights, even now). Being on her own is a swiftly-coming reality. She's growing up; it's time for her to grow up. It doesn't sound like she understands you will soon owe her nothing, not even the roof over her head, which is pretty much all you owe her now. You definitely don't owe her minutes on her cell phone. My guess is that you've always tried to give her everything in your power. Loving parents often do this, but the gravy train has to stop.

Where was your husband when she was following you through the house yelling? He needs to jump into confrontations with you. This is when the two of you need to show a united front. Never should only one parent bear the brunt of this kind of crap, unless there's only one parent in the home.

Start by not yelling at your daughter, even when she's tauting you. This can be hard, but comfort yourself by the reminder that you're stiffening your back bone with everything and you're not going to put up with this crap. Don't give her money, even an allowance, as long as she's being a bee-otch with you. If you're ugly to a boss, he'll fire you, not give you a raise! Tell her you love her, but you're not taking anymore ugly behavior. I'm guessing that you've allowed this before because kids usually keep on doing what has worked with their parents. You may have dismissed her mean, demanding behavior by saying she's "just a child," but this kind of stuff gets you no-where good in life--no job, no friends, no boyfriend. She may be just yelling at you now, but it'll spread.

There are teenagers who slip into the dark side no matter what their parents do. Don't tell yourself it's all your fault. But do look at how you're allowing your kids to run over you...even rewarding them for inappropriate behavior. This isn't loving, even though you have this basic motive.

Stick with your guns and batten down the hatches(to mix a few metaphors). Don't give in. Don't ever give in, even if the kid's being nice. Do what's best for your child, even if that isn't comfortable, even if they don't like you much.

You deserve better and if you have to kick them out of the house when they're eighteen (and being ugly to you), do it.

Never forget that you have options. You don't have to tolerate abusive behavior from your kids and you don't have to allow this mess to continue.