BULLYING...DO YOU CARE TOO MUCH?

Ask any teacher and they'll tell you that bullying is a growing problem in the school, so yes, you care. You don't want your kid picked on or harrassed. But bullying by definition refers to any overbearing person who intimidates individuals who are weaker or smaller.... This could describe your boss.

Individuals who use power to intimidate others exist through all age groups and in lots of different situations. If you're being bullied by a boss or superior of some sort--even teachers bully sometimes--your situation is complicated because you need something from this person. Continued employment or a grade to pass the course. These are situations in which you need careful consideration to choose your best response. You'll need to keep track of these events for a while, writing the incidents down, recording these with details that might validate them.

You can then resort to any recourse that is set up in the system--talk to your boss's boss or the school's hierarchy. These aren't great answers, but they can sometimes help.

If children are involved in this behavior, you as the adult should definitely talk to teachers and administration about protecting the bullied. This is their job and most are very, very concerned. They want to do everything they can to make sure students are safe and not traumatized.

I'm actually addressing this subject at the request of a teacher.

Bullying, however, by nature requires a smaller, weaker person. Because we are aware more of this problem, rules and statutes are being put into place that help rein in the bigger, meaner person. Still, it's important for the victim to realize the weak can work at being stronger. Learning to respond to this kind of thing successfully is an important part of life. Bullys tend to pick on those who have weak, victimized self-images. You can change this.

Don't think I'm blaming the victim, though. The person who terrorizes others is making choices. They get to be responsible for this.

In schools, particularly, individuals are bullied by reputation assault and this is fueled largely because kids and adolescents care a bunch about what others think of them. Kind of natural to the adolescent age group, but certainly not limited to them. Concern for others' opinion is a human thing. We want people to think well of us, but if we care too much about this and let our desire to be liked hold too much sway, we actually lose power. We give power away by letting the opinions of a sometimes select group, control our actions.

Any number of kids can tell of threatened reputation assault that they just walked away from. The most powerful action in this kind of situation may be a laugh--it has to be real enough to be convincing. If the intended victim doesn't give a flip what the bully plans to do, nothing really touches them.

In the case of physical assault or attack, of course, the strongest immediate response is recommended. TELL. Report this immediately. Don't hesistate or think this means you're weak. Don't tell yourself you can make friends with your tormentor. Report it.

Bullying is usually about wanting someone to like you or caring too much about them disliking you. Cases of individuals responding to this by killing themselves have hit the media repeatedly. After these tragedies, people are struck by how much the victim gave power to the bully. Even if bad things are posted on FaceBook and MySpace. Even if cyber-space is used in mean and hurtful ways, try to remember that this is just one reality...and it's not even the reality reality.

Life will go on and kids grow up to leave their youthful trauma-filled school days behind. You don't have to remain a victim...you need to care less.

TOO FRIENDLY WITH HER EX?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. She's been divorced for three years and I'm the first person she dated. She has three kids--ages 10, 8 and 6. Her ex is very much a part of the kids' lives, which is great. He gets the kids every other weekend. ...Since he doesn't have any family here, she invites him to all their family holidays and birthdays,...not just for the kids' birthday parties, but also hers and her brothers. Now, all this I can handle. [It's] a little weird, but whatever.

I met her kids five or six months after we started dating. Over time, I've started being around them more. ...Her daughter asked me if I was going to a fall festival with them. I said I hadn't been invited, but she then said her father was going. I later found out that my girlfriend's ex stays at her place on Christmas Eve so he can be there in the morning when they wake up. He only lives fifteen minutes away. I wasn't happy about all this, but didn't say anything.

My girlfriend has invited me to go skiing with her and her family this winter. It turns out that her ex is going, too, and has even been the one booking the rooms. My girlfriend didn't talk to me about this. I was talking to her dad and he mentioned it. I've talked with her about this, mentioning that it's a difficult situation [for me]. My biggest problem is that she doesn't see why I get upset and she won't even try to understand where I'm coming from.

Now, we don't display much affection to each other. Maybe a hug goodbye. Her middle daughter has made comments that she doesn't like me near her mom because I'm not her dad. I understand that it's natural for kids to want their parents to be together, but isn't all this kind of confusing to the kids?--Dating Her and Her Ex

* * *

Dear Dating,

Sounds like you're confused about her feelings, too.

Yes, I think exs spending holidays together, going on vacations together and acting like friends can be confusing to kids, although this is better than them having a hostile relationship. The bigger issue here, however, is that you're not sure of your position with your girlfriend. If she won't clear this up for you, the two of you don't have much future. Whether or not the ex is around, you need to be first in her affections or get gone.

#

My sister, who is 15 years older than me, has become a burden and I'm beginning to resent her. She's been a tremendous help to me, so needless to say, I'm feeling very guilty. She's a very passive-aggressive person and has made choices in her life that have led to her being completely alone with no husband, no kids and no friends.

Seventeen years ago, when my husband and I wanted to buy a house, we asked my sister to go in [with us] on the purchase of our house. We needed help and she had some money she wanted to invest. We also thought it was time she moved out of my parents' house. When we first entered into this agreement, it was fine. She was pretty active and took trips by herself or with my daughter. As the years have gone on, she has become a recluse. She doesn't go anywhere (except work) or do anything. She has started to insinuate herself into our lives. In February, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. She lost her job and now just sits in our family room for ten hours a day, watching television.

...When her disease progresses, we will have to discuss her going to a facility as our house is not conducive to having someone disabled living here. Here's the thing, ...when we entered into this agreement, we didn't expect this is how it would turn out... My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have never been alone in our home. I feel she expects me to take care of her, but it's not in my make-up to do that. Financially, it's out of the realm of possibility. I can't quit my job or take a leave for this.

I'm torn...I don't know how to handle this. I'm in the middle. My siblings are all older than me, the youngest. They know of her situation and her illness, but they don't get involved at all. They haven't even picked up the phone to see how she's doing. In three to five years, my husband will be retiring and we want to sell the house. At this time, my sister will need to make other arrangements, but how do I tell her without sounding like an awful person? My husband and I are looking forward to finally having some alone-time in our marriage. Please help!!! How do I handle this situation?"--Miserable in California

* * *

Dear Miserable,

Here's what you do--sell the house and split the proceeds with your sister, according to the percent she invested. You mentioned her investing in your home. Investments yield dividends. You may not make money on the sale of the house, but whatever you get should be split with your sister, if this was really an investment for her.

If she gave you the money for the house with the understanding that you'd take care of her the rest of her life, your changing your mind will understandably be upsetting to her.

I get that you don't want to sound awful when you talk to her, but don't expect her to be happy about any of this. When you and your husband took her money and cohabited with her for all these years, some assumptions were made--even if you had no clear agreement to care for her--and these persist now. She sees herself as part of your household (she has been) and expects to be cared for as such.

You speak about this being "your home", but it's her home, too. Both legally and emotionally.

What you're doing now, is planning to end a partnership. Don't expect her to be happy about this, particularly not with her disease limiting her health. You certainly have a right not to be her caretaker--not everyone is cut out for this. But you need to get clear about the finances. Sell the house and let her use the funds to provide for herself.

#

Transitions can be really, really scary, even if these are long planned for and dreamed of. Kids graduating from high school and heading off to college can be totally freaked out, even though they're eager to finish high school and get out on their own. Just think about all the transitions in your life. Even the birth of a baby who's conception was a dream can leave the parents with depression and anxiety. It's a big, dang change.

But change can be exciting and scary. Recognizing these emotions as natural can help you progress forward. Going from kid-focused to kid-free when the children move away from home has long been recognized as potentially traumatizing for parents--it's even got a cute name, the Empty Nest Syndrome. Lots of anxiety and depression comes with the change for some people, but they want their kids to move forward and are looking ahead to a less care-giving life themselves.

Those who marry, those who divorce. Even when the death of an elderly, infirm parent can leave you dealing with many emotions. You may be relieved that your loved one is out of pain, but suddenly you're an orphan.

It's important to recognize that transitions bring lots of emotions and they don't all feel good. The kid going off to college or moving out on his own may worry about making it as an adult. Grown-ups who've been very child-focused may not know what to do with their extra time when there's no kid at home anymore.

Transitions can be both good and bad. Sometimes they feel both ways. Give yourself some time...and if the bad feelings continue, talk to a therapist. Some roads are rough and it's nice to have someone along for the ride.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HER.....

"I've been with this guy for twelve years. We have two kids together and one on the way. For the past two years, we've been having problems, mostly financial and dealing with me going to school. Once I got into school and started meeting people to study with or get help with my homework, he felt left out and he's been seeing another woman. When I found out, I started hanging more with my guy friends. He was then mad and jealous and wanted us to work things out. His other woman, though, has never left the picture.

I feel like she's doing this because she's not used to being rejected. Both he and I have told her we're going to work on us. I texted her, telling her she can't call me, telling her I'm having his baby and, even lying and saying we're getting married.

This man has never left the house and I know we were both wrong, but how can we get past all this and move on? Is it just lost and I should just walk away?

We still have the best time together. He's with me every day. He cries and is hurt when I say maybe me and the kids should just disappear. He then goes into a depression, not talking and sleeping all day for two or three days. Now, the other woman is supposed to be having his baby. She doesn't seem to care that he doesn't love her. If he did, why is he here with me and not taking care of her? I don't know if this is a game to her or what. I'm so mixed up and have so many emotions. I feel lost and helpless to figure out what's right and wrong. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my mind? I know you have a lot to do, but I really need some advice."--Lost in Love

* * *

Dear Lost,

What's your mind telling you? Do you think you ought to leave him, but you're worried about what his depressed self will do? The problem here isn't the other woman, it's the relationship you have (or don't have) with the father of your children. He may be hanging around you now, and having the best time with you, but not so long ago he was boinking and impregnating another woman. And he was doing this because he felt left out that you were going to school and spending time studying?

When he first stepped out on you, you went the tit for tat route and started hanging out with other guys. Very understandable, but it doesn't solve any problems. You say that the other woman doesn't handle rejection well, but I'm not clear on whether or not he's actually told her to take a hike.

Maybe he hasn't rejected her, at all. On top of that, she's now supposed to be pregnant with his child. (That makes four kids. Someone needs to introduce this guy to a condom.) And he's all depressed because he may lose the woman he cheated on? Never mind the other woman who's also now pregnant with his child.

Also, why would you take this guy's kids and disappear? This sounds a little like you're threatening him. Both the kids and their dad deserve the opportunity to have a relationship, even if he is a cheating jerk. If the other woman is actually pregnant, her child deserves a relationship and financial support from his father (No wonder the guy is depressed.)

You and your boyfriend can't just resume the relationship you had before he cheated. There were problems and these haven't been addressed. No one cheats in a happy relationship. You may have affection for him still, but he's got a mess to clean up before you can even think about putting things back together between the two of you. Healing after infidelity is possible, but only if you actually deal with the problems you had before he decided to have sex with the other woman.

Then, you have to decide if you want to stick with a guy who now has a responsibility for another woman's child, as well as your three. If ever there was a time to use your brain, rather than your heart, this is it. You may love him and care for him, but that doesn't fit with just ignoring the things he's done or the issues between you. Love actually encourages the loved one to deal with their issues, not just hope they go away.

In my book, Should I Leave Him? specific suggestions are offered to help individuals deal with this kind of dilemma.

~ # ~

If you've been the victim of sexual or physical abuse, the hardest and most important thing to do is to Forgive Yourself. Victims tend to be acutely conscious of what they've done to deserve their abuse. Those on the outside know that nothing you've ever done means you deserved this. Nothing. But this is very hard for victims to accept.

Young children naturally see the world from their own limited viewpoint and they think this must have happened to them because of something they did. Even young kids worry about having somehow been provocative. We all want power in own lives. This is natural, but sometimes random crap happens. Things you didn't ask for.

Whether you were abused as a child or assaulted in a date rape, you didn't deserve this. No matter what. No matter how sexy you dressed or acted, you still get to choose when you have sex and young children don't have the emotional or mental capacity to make this choice. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest step in the recovery process.

You deserve better than this. Better than being assaulted, better than being abused. No matter how lame you might be or what mistakes you may have made, you didn't deserve this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN DEPRESSION

"I'm barely 20 years old, and I feel like the last seven years of my life have been dedicated to depression and other issues. My life is a huge cycle of eating disorders, drugs, depression and finally a period of carelessness. I feel like lately I've dug myself even deeper into this hole, and I can't pretend anymore. I literally have to excuse myself at times because I get a random need to cry and it's impossible for me to hold back my tears.

My feelings used to involve anger and, like I mentioned at some point, pure carelessness, but lately I feel absolutely nothing, but sadness. Suicide has never crossed my mind. My sister has attempted it in the past and I just couldn't put my family through that again. No one knows about my problems, or at least no one has ever really said anything. But I can't keep hiding, not do I want to. I can't continue to live my life in the dark. What can I do to help myself?"--Sad and Scared

#

Dear Sad,

Okay, this may seem like the wrong question, but why are you hiding this from your family? I don't want you to continue this way, either. You deserve much, much better. You may be an adult now--just having turned twenty--but you've been dealing with this alone for seven years? You talk about not wanting to put your family through the trauma associated with a child attempting suicide and I'm all for you not attempting to hurt yourself further, but why has no one noticed the eating disorders, the drugs and depression.

You need to get a big sign and wave it in front of your parents--I Need Help!!

Sometimes kids keep their problems a secret because they think their parents don't care, but more often kids hide their own stresses because they think parents are already overwhelmed with their own issues. If this is the case, you might feel you need to find help on your own. You might even be trying to carry the load for your troubled sister or your parents. Either way, you need and deserve someone to help you.

If you're insured, find your list of covered providers and immediately start calling for an appointment. The holidays are fraught with people desperately trying to feel what they don't feel. They cancel appointments with therapists or call with great unhappiness. This is the moment for you to make an appointment. If you don't have insurance, many caring providers and agencies offer a sliding scale fee that's adjusted to your income.

Don't wait any longer. Don't tell yourself to just "get over it". You don't have to feel this way. Find a therapist to understand your feelings and help you find ways to crawl out of this nightmare.

#

This is the time of year when Guilt is mixed in with the gift-giving and party-going. Whether you feel you should (but don't) like relatives because they share the same blood or whether you tend to buy expensive gifts because you feel you ought, guilt is not a good enough reason to do any of this.

The holidays come with high expectations. You may feel pressured to make others happy or to act happy when you're not or to hang around people you really don't like. You may even feel relieved when January second rolls around because then, at least, you don't have to pretend affections you don't feel.

Others may have called you a Scrooge...you may fear that you are one.

I'm going to suggest something really shocking--don't spend time with people you don't like, even if your parents or siblings fit this description. Don't buy gifts for people you don't like (unless this will have major job consequences that you're not ready for). Don't go places you don't want to go, celebrate with people you don't care about or pretend feelings you don't have.

If anything, this season is supposed to be about honesty.

Be with those you love. Guilt isn't a good enough reason to spend your life hating your life.

LOST THE FAMILY LYNCH PIN

"I am the youngest of three siblings. My brother is seven years older than me and my sister is twelve years older. Our father passed away eight years ago and we were a close family when he was around. He was the one who brought everyone together for family functions and holidays. Since his passing, my brother has taken over the family business and has poured himself into running it. He is rather clueless when it comes to what is going on around him and within our family. My sister resents that he took over the business. She wanted it sold. There is tension between them because of this. My sister lives several states away and is so busy she barely makes time to come home to visit. My brother won't make any effort to see her because he feels like we aren't that important to her. As the youngest, I am stuck in the middle. It hurts that I don't get to see my sister often, as she frequently cancels planned visits. It also hurts that my brother resents my sister and her husband and feels like they don't care about us. I would just like to know what to do to bring my family back together. Being the youngest, they don't listen to me, so talking to them about this is hard. Any advice would be helpful."--Lack of Sibling Communication



Dear Lack,



Some families disband after the loss of a parent and this can be distressing or relieving, depending on your experience. The family business issue is just another version of fighting over an inheritance. I understand your mourning of this. It is like you've lost the connected family experience. The sad fact if that you cannot make your siblings get straight with one another. They are in charge of their own behavior and they get to decide whether or not to heal this breach.



You can, however, maintain a connection with each of them--not as a bridge--but because they're important to you. You can't scold them like children and force them to kiss after fighting (not that this really works with kids, either). If your interaction with your sister is strained by her "busy-ness", make efforts for getting together and don't act out of your hurt. You need to step back and accept the level of interaction she's offering. Don't always expect her to come to you. Go to where she lives and plan this visit when she says she's more likely to have some time to spend with you.



Family interaction isn't automatic or simple. She and your brother have to resolve--or not--their issues themselves. Even if you weren't the youngest, you can't fix this for them.

* * *

"My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship with him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for two years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner. We wanted to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone.

It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shutting up and swallowed this because we didn't want to create conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made it clear that she is paying $120.00 for each guest to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her $240.00 dollars.

We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and we don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are two control freaks. We don't know what to say or do. We definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but we don't know how to tell our son this."--Please Help

Dear Help,

There is no functional way to tell your son that you're so mad at his future in-laws, his future wife and him, that you won't even come to his wedding. Don't do this. Don't skip the wedding festivities and don't make snide comments to him, his soon-to-be wife or her family members.

I know this will be hard and that your burning to burst out with your grievances and the fact that you don't feel important. But take a step back, for a minute, and inhale a deep breath. Weddings are very emotional events and they don't tend to bring out the best in people (sadly).

Remind yourself that this is only one event; one day or week. Don't make this moment bigger than it is. If your son stays married to this girl, the wedding day will grow dim as they deal with the real life ups and downs of being a couple. If he and his bride truly don't want you to give them a gift, you might have a quiet, private conversation with him about what you want--that you'd like to contribute to their future in some way. It might be that the couple is older and financially well-established. They might be concerned about your financial state or they may feel that you've contributed a lot to him (them) already.

You're hearing the message "Butt out--We don't love you--We don't want anything from you--You're not important to us." They might not have meant any of this. You just don't know. Traditionally, the parents of the bride have footed the entire bill for the wedding, with the grooms parents paying for his and their wedding finery and for a rehearsal dinner. Lots of people are dispensing with this structure, having various reasons to change it up. Still, the bride's parents may feel that this is their gig, not yours.

Let them have it. Really, do you just want to lay out a lot of money for this occasion?

As far as the wedding guest list, you need to speak to your son. This is really his call. If you have family friends (not a massive list of your business associates and the people you want to show off to), you'd like there, tell your son this. It's his day, his celebration and his decision. You're probably very proud of him--and of her by extension--but this isn't primarily a brag-fest.

Lay low and don't throw any fits that will leave a stain on your relationship. Remember, they may have kids some day and you really don't want a lame fight making it awkward for you to build a relationship with your grandkids.

* * *

"I am facing a lot of family problems and I think I need some advice. My husband and I have a one and a half year old daughter. My main problem is that my husband is not as attached to me, but more with his mother and brothers. We are staying in a joint family arrangement. He has two brothers, who're staying in the same house with their wives and us. I think my husband is not thinking about me and our daughter. He is thinking more about his brothers and his mother. I don't know what to do. I am trying to change his attitude about this and I am in pressure...." --Waiting For Your Advice

Dear Waiting,

You didn't say if your husband acts in a loving or unloving way, but only that you're all living in a family home. Your husband's attachment to his mother and brothers is understandable and it wouldn't be good for anyone if this is broken. You cannot change his attitude. As many find out every day, changing a spouse's mind doesn't usually work. If, however, you believe your husband isn't loving or kind to you, you have (hopefully) the option to leave him. If doing this is a problem, ask your family to help.

If you love your husband and don't want to leave him--but just to change the living arrangements--you need to tell him that you love him and mention how much this housing situation is distressing you, stressing that it threatens your marriage. If he doesn't care how you feel or dismisses your concerns, he's not acting very loving and you might need to leave the relationship.

* * *

Remember that Thanksgiving is about more than food and football. Don't let the structure of getting together and stuffing your faces make you forget the purpose of this day. If ever there was a moment to remember what you're truly thankful for, this is it.

The experience of gratitude makes you healthier and happier. Even if your life has major challenges, you probably have some golden moments. Take some time and dwell on these.

It'll make you feel better and more blessed.

TELL HIM HE'S A GRANDFATHER?

One reader writes: "I got pregnant with my ex and he left me when I was four months along. ...He hasn't made any effort to see the baby and I haven't seen him since we broke up. [Now] I wonder if I should tell my ex's dad about the baby. He knew I was pregnant, but he's not seen the baby, either, and I feel that its my fault that he thinks I don't want him to see the baby. He hasn't made an effort to see the baby, either. I know where my baby's grandfather lives. Do you think I should go personally to his house and allow him to see the baby, so he can see that I have nothing against him?"

#

No, I don't think you should go to his house. You said flat out that he knew you were pregnant. If he wants to see his grandson, the ball is really in his court. While you may feel badly that your child doesn't have a father (or grandfather), you can't do anything about that. This sucks and you can hate it, but you can't change it. Parenting takes two willing people, (unless we're talking about child support).

Your son deserves to be taken care of and you can take steps to get him what he needs financially. He also deserves to be loved, but you sadly can't make his father or grandfather do this.

* * *

"I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman. Four years ago, I met my husband on the internet and fell in love. I left my whole life in Hungary, including my elderly parents, my brother and my friends. I came to the United States and we got married. We are happy.

I do not have any children, but my husband has a twelve year-old daughter. In Hungary, I had three teaching degrees and was very respected. I was eager and happy to meet my new step-daughter. I did many things to care for my husband and his child, but she never appreciated this and never accepted me...she is always against me, talks back to me and sasses me.... I got pregnant and then lost the baby. I have high blood sugar and blood pressure and [this gets worse] when she comes to visit. She never listens to me. She hates me and everything that is related to me.

She's always bored with us and never likes anything. I texted her mom, telling her some of this after a fight between the child and I, but she sent a message back that I was unreasonable and demanding with her child. I was shocked....I did not expect this.

When she is not in the home, I feel peaceful and calm. My husband goes and sees her every Wednesday and Saturday. This is better for me, but painful to my husband. I think they/we should go to a family therapist or psychologist. ...My husband and I still love each other very

much, but we argue a lot. What do you think?"

#

Step parenting is very difficult, but you need to understand that this child didn't ask for you in her life. She probably didn't get to vote about her parents divorcing. I'm not saying that she should have had a say-so about this, but don't expect her to like it, either.

I think this kid isn't ever going to like you. Maybe she wouldn't like anyone who was her father's new wife. I don't know. You need to quit trying to win her over. Let her be her father's problem and if she doesn't want to come to his house, he's the one to deal with that. You, on the other hand, need to remove yourself from this fight. You can't win it and you can't make everything nice between you all. Her mom's on her side because this is typically what moms do, they side with their kids.

Be the adult. Let her be a jerk, just don't be one yourself.

* * *

An Anonymous reader wrote, in response to the "Always A Cheater?" column:

"I'm the cheater. And I am so sorry, but not only am I sorry, I want to know what I can do to help the relationship heal. We had problems before, I know the cheating is all on me. I want to go to counseling. He doesn't. He left, but is coming back as friends and "parents" to "our girls"--my daughter and granddaughter. He says he doesn't want me or anyone, at this point, but we have a chance in the future. We have both said we aren't going to see anyone else. I'm not, I swear. I NEVER want to see the hurt in his eyes caused by me that I witnessed. Ever again. What can I do?"

#

Go to counseling yourself--by yourself, if necessary. You feel horrible about cheating, but stop telling yourself you are a horrible person. You're not. You messed up and made a bad choice.

Go to counseling and deal with your part of the issues that weren't addressed in the relationship before you cheated. Even if he doesn't want to go to therapy with you, you can benefit. You don't want to hurt him again, but you can't take all the relationship problems on yourself. He had some part of them. He didn't cheat, but he has some part of the issues. Let's let him have some power in this--power goes with responsibility. You can't have one without the other.

Learn what you need to learn and work hard on forgiving yourself.

* * *

As we approach the Thanksgiving season, it's important to remember what you're really grateful for. We tend to forget these things as we charge ahead in life, dealing with the daily issues. No life is perfect, but every life has some good parts.

Love yours and be thankful.

THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE

We have a lot of mixed feelings about "family." Depending on the luck of the draw, for you family can mean a loving, supportive unit of people who look a lot like you....or it can be a code word for hell.

In the Western world, the end of the calendar year is a period traditionally loaded with family time. This can be really good or really bad, depending on your personal experience.

Although individuals tend to define family by biology--the people with whom you share DNA--dictionaries have a much wider view of the word. Family can be defined many ways, but in general it is a basic social unit. A group who share common interests, lifestyles and goals can feel like a family.

It's not always about biology, but many view their physical connections as carrying lots of emotional baggage. I hear all the time that individuals continue having contact with troublesome relatives because of this biology. When I ask about the continued contact with the difficult or harmful relative, I get "...because he's my brother" or "...because we're family", including the ever-popular "..because she's my mom!" This latter statement is always made in shocked tones, as if the individual is startled that I'd even ask the question.

What if your biological family isn't the Norman Rockwell version? It may be far, far from this. What then? You may have little incommon with your siblings and share no affection for them. It this is true, the holiday season usually brings difficult decisions.

Many individuals view biological relatives as a kind of existential anchor. The people who came before you. To some extent, we view ourselves as occupying a place in a line of relatives--we have a place there. There is then the tendency to see our interactions as years of investment. We think of what we owe our parents and grandparents like their care for you was a debt to which you agreed. Sometimes we struggle, feeling alone and naked in a cold world without some form of family interaction, even when our interactions with biological relatives are far from loving and nurturing.

There are "bad" families. My work with foster kids has shown me this. Yes, there are kids in foster care whose parents are just messed up themselves or who are scrambling to get their lives together, so they can care for their kids again. But there are also other situations--the sad, sad ones with children who've been abandoned or abused or both.

Biology doesn't equal love.

Unfortunately, those children of less-than-loving families can think their situations are about them...that they somehow deserve not to be loved. This is so far from the truth. No matter what we've done or not done, we still deserve love. Still, individuals struggled with the belief that "...if my own family doesn't love me, I must be a horrible person."

So not true.

Family can be a warm, supportive place, a shelter to which you run when you need to lick your wounds or a group of people who fiercely back you up. But this doesn't have to be biologically-based. Adopted children are often greatly loved. Chosen and loved.

Maybe it's time to let go of the biology-as-family definition and move instead to where we define family as those who love us--those who act loving toward us, not just say the word.

Maybe family is defined by what's in the heart.

* * *

Confidential to Ista:

You may think your wife is yelling and upset over nothing, but this isn't usually the case. She's mad about something. Your best bet is to try really hard to listen to what's upsetting her. Don't explain or defend yourself. Don't try to "correct" her. Doing these will just give her the impression that you're arguing. She may make statements that you think aren't true. You still need to hear what she feels, what's upsetting to her. After she tells you that you've heard whatever is upsetting her, then you get to tell her what's upsetting you. Only after you listen, though.

Much would be solved in relationships if we learned how to hear each other.