UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT NOT SISTER'S PROBLEM

"I have an eleven year old sister that is very disrespectful to our mother. My mother has three other children and all have different fathers. My mother has messed up in the past with drugs, but is currently improving! Hannah, my sister, comes home from school everyday, does her homework, eats, and watches television. She is very lazy and does not do what is asked of her. She always comes home from school with an attitude towards our mother for no apparent reason. She is very mean and always seems irritated. My mother and her fiance are planning on getting married in May and my sister refuses to be in the wedding. I just do not understand why my sister always has a chip on her shoulder. I need your advice before we have an out of control teen on our hands, please!"--Frustrated Sibling

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Dear Sibling,

I know this must be very upsetting to you. You've probably stepped up to keep things as stable as you could while your mom struggled with her addiction and it seems now, when things are going better, that your sister is causing undue trouble. It's probably seemed like she had more of an active mother than you did and I'm guessing you often tried to fill the gap when times were difficult.

Let me just point out, however, that your sister's attitude and lack of helpfulness is more appropriately your mom's issue than yours. Even if you are now an adult(over 18) by age, your sister is not your child. She may be a pain, refusing to be in the wedding and all, but this is your mother's wedding and your mother's child. When parents have addiction issues, the elder children often step up, trying to parent younger siblings however they can. This can involve everything from struggling to keep a roof over your heads to feeding smaller mouths.

It's a very, very difficult job that you've probably done amazingly well for your age...but it's not your job. If your mother is less impaired now and staying straight, she has to pick up the pieces.

The sad thing about this mess is that you've become accustomed--by total need--to being the boss. This is a hard role for a kid and, when you're the child of an addict, sometimes the only significance you've found. You're used to being strong for everyone else. Used to putting your own needs last. And now I'm telling you to give up the only thing you've really had--the job of being the boss. It sucks, I know.

Your sister has no reason to respect your mom. She's not acted like a parent and you aren't her parent (no matter how much you've tried). Her insolence and lack of "helping" is what's to be expected, given the situation. Your sister's developmental age also adds to this being a rough time for all.

You may even be angry because your sister's behavior seems like it could derail your mom's recovery. You might be trying to take care of mom, too. So, not your job, hon.

Let me point out, though, that there are some things to be grateful for. Your sister is attending school and doing her homework. This may seem minimal, but it's more than many children of addicts do.

* * *

There are wonderful and valid reasons for having children...and some really bad ones, too. The choice to become a parent isn't always a choice, but when individuals do take on this job, they need to look at why. This is a massively complicated choice, but we don't typically give it much thought.

Be honest about it, most of us become parents because of something we think the role will be cool. Lots of people ooh and ahh over babies and they seem like a ton of fun. They are cute and cuddly and, for the most part, very much worth the lack of sleep, but think seriously about what you have to offer a child and what becoming a parent will mean to your life before you dive in.

There are good reasons and bad ones. Sometimes individuals have children to make themselves make better choices--get off drugs, get an honest job, get into a stable place in your life. These reasons are movements toward a healthy life, but make the turn here before you have kids. Kids deserve better than parents who struggle with addiction and dysfunctionality.

Above all, don't have a child to give yourself a purpose or a reason to get straight. That's a heavy load on the kid, putting it right in the crosshairs of your issues. Get help for yourself. Don't run the risk of messing up what can be a tremendous joy.

PARENT: VERB OR NOUN

"I have a 17 year-old who is pregnant. She is involved with the baby's father and has been sneaking behind my back to see him. She lies to be about where she's going because she is seeing him. The baby's father is on drugs, is in and out of jail and steals to get money for drugs. Now my daughter is stealing for him, so he can buy drugs. She has stolen from me in the past. She had a cell phone and a truck that's paid off. We pay her insurance on the truck. When I found out what was going on, I took all that away from her.

She has no help from anyone other than her father and I, as far as, dealing with her pregnancy. She has been in lots of trouble in school since the fifth grade. I have gone through hell for this kid over the years. She is ADHD and refuses to take medication for it. She also has some depression. She makes up stories to tell me, actually making up fictional friends she's supposedly with when she really goes to be with bad people. She has gone to drug houses with the baby's father to get drugs.

I worry about her safety, hanging out with the kind of people she's with. She doesn't have any decent friends because of the way she is. I'm at my wit's end. Do I throw her out because of the trust issues? And if I do this, am I throwing her to the baby's father, who'll get her into trouble? I'm lost and confused. I love my daughter and want the best for her, particularly now that there's a child involved. I'm not even sure of the baby's health. Please any advice you could give me would really help."--Distraught Mother

* * *

Dear Distraught,

This is most parents' worst nightmare. The trouble here is that you're in the gray zone of parenting. She's not quite an adult, but she's making adult decisions that are bringing her adult consequences. I understand that you're afraid for her. I am, too, and I don't love her as you do.

All that being said, there's not much you can do to keep her from making really big, really scary choices. You've tried putting down your foot and it's not doing any good. You've asked if you should throw her out of the house, but it sounds to me as if she's already left.

Here's a sad reality. You can't keep her from doing drugs (even while she's pregnant) and you can't keep her away from the boy who fathered her child. You're human. You can only do so much. At seventeen, she's close enough to a legal age that she would have a right to confidentiality should she see a therapist or a doctor. It's not likely that the police would spend manpower to go after her if she ran away.

She gets to make her own stupid decisions. I seriously do not recommend you chain her up to keep her from doing this. This won't be successful and the consequences for you would be horrific.

You, however, get to decide the kind of home in which you live. If she's stealing from you, you can call the police and report this. You can also tell her that she can leave if her being there is disruptive to your life. I know you don't want to do these things. You want to take her cell phone and her truck, ground her and control her life like she's still seven years-old.

I get that. She's acting like she needs some control and, if she continues the way she's going, she'll end up in the prison system, with her child in foster care.

Here's what you can do: You can insist that everyone who's living in your home respect other's property. You can (which you've probably already done) point out what you are willing to do for her as her parent (cell phone, truck).

Here's what you can't do: You can't make her take you up on any of this. You can't control who she sees or hangs out with. She's so close to being grown up that it doesn't matter. You don't have to continue providing a roof for her stealing self.

Yes, she may (probably will) go to her drug-using boyfriend. How is this different from what she's already doing? You hint that she's done drugs herself. This is extremely harmful to her fetus and to herself. If she delivers in a hospital and her child comes up positive for drugs, the child will be removed from her care by Child Protective Services and she'll have to clean up her act before the baby's returned to her.

Don't keep fighting a losing battle. Accept her choices as painful as these are.

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Parenting is a major, major life task and most of us aren't prepared for it. One of the hardest aspects of this job/role is knowing when to quit. You know how significant your own parents were, but it's really important to acknowledge that this job changes.

When children are young, they need to to take care of even the most basic needs. They need and deserve your sheltering care. As they grow older and more capable of caring for themselves, parenting starts to shift from an action to a role. Nothing is sadder than the parents of adult children lecturing the kids on what they should and shouldn't do.

Don't waste your breath.

Kids need your loving belief at that point, but not generally your direction. Yes, they'll flounder and make mistakes. They'll choose bad jobs or careers and even worst relationships. They'll sometimes make a mess of their lives and you'll cry yourself to sleep.

But what your kids really need is your firm conviction that they can pull themselves out of even the most difficult spots. They need you to believe they can do it. Even when they aren't sure of this. They need you to see them as stronger than they do.

And get this--if they're really capable people, they don't need rescuing all the time. When we rescue others, we tend to want to tell them what to do. Kids resent this as much as they resent needing you. It just reminds them of their own weakness. You don't want to do that. You want your children to believe in themselves...even if the road to that self-belief is rocky.

Don't get me wrong, I help my own kids. I just don't do for them what they can do for themselves and I don't tell them what to do...even if they look like they need some direction.

DON'T WANT SEX? FEEL UNDER-LOVED?

"I am 32 years old and I am married to a wonderful man. However, I find myself not wanting to have sex at all. He begs me and I just don't want it. But if he initiates, then I get into it. Now I just don't find myself getting aroused easily. It's just easier for me to say no."--Why Don't I Want It?

Dear Why Don't I,

Sex in a relationship can be very complicated. There are physical factors that should be checked out, but the majority of sexual issues come back to unresolved problems in the relationship. You didn't mention how the two of you deal with conflicts or what stuff really hasn't been resolved. If there are no indications of illness, you need to consider the relationship aspect of the problem. The fact that you once had a good sexual interaction rules out to some degree that one or both of you have had some earlier traumatic event that interferes with healthy sexual function now.

Ask yourself what irritates you about this "wonderful man". He may be a perfectly fine guy, but he's not perfect. Being married means you see him warts and all, just as he sees you. Sometimes the warts have to be dealt with before emotional and sexual intimacy can be experienced.

* * *

"I'm looking for advice on how to deal with stepchildren. I have a 12 year-old stepson and a 14 year-old stepdaughter. We used to have a good relationship, but when I didn't go along with their program and allow them to get away with a number of things, I became the enemy. Also, when they visit their mom and they return home, they behave as if it is our fault that their mom is in the mess she is in. Please help, I feel like I hate them and want them out of our lives, but their dad loves them to death" --Distressed Stepmother

Dear Distressed,

Of course he loves them. He's their dad and they're his kids. The reality is that parenting is one of the hardest things we do in this world and step-parenting is particularly difficult. It's only natural to want the kids to like you and to be fair about things, but this may not be the case.

You need to understand a couple of things. They are, of course, very concerned about their mother. They love her, just as your husband loves them. It's natural and if she's struggling, they will naturally want to defend her and maybe even to blame others for her problems.

We usually want to believe only the best about those we love.

The other thing that needs to be said is that parenting isn't always the friendliest job. All parents come to realize they can't be their kids' best bud. Sometimes kids need you to be tough with them. Make them go to the dentist, do their homework and earn some of their benefits (they have to learn about adulthood sometime). Kids like none of this and parents get to be the enforcer. We ground them, take away their phones when called for and refuse to let them do things that don't seem safe.

As the step-parent, you also need to be aware that it generally works best for the biological parent to do most of the heavy lifting. These are his kids and he needs to be the strong arm when dealing with their issues. I'm not saying that step-parents aren't important or that they shouldn't have a say--they should, but he needs to be the one getting most of the heat from the kids. It's just his role.

Parents are generally party-killers...and that's part of the job.

Your step-kids may resent you, at times, but your love for their father and your hope for your own well-being means you need to avoid casting them in the role of enemy. You don't have to like them all the time--we don't always like the ones we love--but you have to be fair and reasonable. If you can't function for their best good, you probably don't need to be married to their father.

# # #

Do you ever feel Under-Loved? This is an experience you may have every now and then, even if you're in a relationship that you feel is good most of the time. There are times, however, when your significant other doesn't act like he cares about you or what you want. Your birthday or anniversary is missed, he doesn't say he loves you when he hangs up the phone (or any other time, for that matter) or he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with just you.

If Valentines Day is typically a disappointment or if she's missed an event that's important to you, you don't feel cared for. In relationships, we have times when we don't feel like we're at the top of our mates' list. This is not okay. If you don't talk about it--yes, sometimes you're just being over-sensitive, but sometimes, you have a point--things will get worse. Once unaddressed disappointments enter into the relationship picture, things start going downhill.

Too many people lose relationships because they don't talk about issues. Maybe it's silly. Maybe not. If issues come around again and again, they need discussion. The under-loved moments need to be out-weighed by the really-loved moments for a relationship to be worthwhile.

MAKE FATHER BEG

"I find myself in a rough situation. My husband and I are planning to tell my daughter that the father she has known all her life is not really her father.

Her real father had not been in the picture and really has not been a part of her life. However, just recently, I have spoken with her real dad and he wants to be part of her life.

Our problem is that we have no idea how to tell her. I don't know what to expect. Especially, since right now she is going through puberty and is up and down with her moods. She is 9, going on 10. Can you give me some advice?"--Conflicted Parent

*

Dear Conflicted,

You have two issues to deal with. First, your daughter's biological father flaked out on her once. He could do it again and leave her even more moody. Before you allow him to see her, you need to do your best to make sure he's serious about assuming the responsibilities of parenthood (at last).

I'd give it some time. Tell him that you're concerned about him being consistent in seeing your daughter (I'd phrase it like this. After all, she's been your daughter, not so much his.) Have him call you every month or so to get an update on what's going on in her life and how she's doing. I'd also require him to attend at least two sessions with a therapist. Have him request proof from the therapist that he's come and have him show you this. If he refuses to allow you to set the pace, he's not demonstrating concern for this child he's ignored so long. I'd let him go through the courts for visitation at that point...and I don't generally think legal action is preferable for anyone.

Your second and bigger question is about how to tell your daughter the truth about her biology. I don't ever recommend keeping this kind of fact from a child, even if you're trying to cushion the harsh reality of her having a parent who just doesn't care. With starting a new relationship, your husband was your go-to guy. It made sense then, but now you owe her the truth.

This is kind of revelation is always a shock. Don't expect her to be happy with you.

I'd tell her with both you and your husband--her dad--present. Just be upfront. Tell her you've not been honest with her and that you were involved with another man before her dad, you were impregnated by him and the resulting child was her. I think you need to apologize to her for the deceit, adding that you only wanted the best and were trying to shelter her. If she wants to see her dad, tell her he hasn't been stable before this and that you're trying to make sure he's safe for her to see. DON'T TELL HER HE'S NOW SAYING HE WANTS TO SEE HER.

Not yet.

It's very easy for a kid to get swept up in the romanticism of the new parent. Don't tell her about the possibility of seeing him until you're sure he's seriously changed.

She is at a time of big change in her life. I'd be slow to introduce a new parent. When you tell her about her biology, be sure to stress that your husband has been there, both for you and for her. He may have been a jerk sometimes (we all are), but he's raised a child who isn't his. Give him some credit.

* * *

Parents of teens sometimes find themselves in the position of trying to help their teens' girl/boyfriend. I get that. Some kids grow up with parents who aren't good parents and sometimes girl/boyfriends are really great kids. They may deserve much better than they're getting.

At various times, I've really liked the boys my own daughters dated.

But don't under-estimate the challenges of accepting that boyfriend into your home to live. No matter how deserving the kid is, having him live in your home brings a bunch of new issues to the family. The most emotional of these for most parents is the thought of your child in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend...under your roof.

Kids grow up and, basically, we want them to have sex, eventually. Good sex. Life without this is very gray.

We just don't want to have think about it a lot or to have her engage in this activity when she's young and unprepared for the consequences. We certainly don't want to walk in on them having sex in her bedroom. She's a child, for heaven's sake! But bringing the boyfriend in to sleep under your roof is putting the carrot under her nose. It also makes things very messy when (and if) she breaks up with him. They are young, after all, and the relationships of the very young tend not to survive very long. If you bring him into the home and they break up, you'll be in the middle, which isn't where you need to be.

Be very careful and make yourself see the possibilities.

SEX & ANXIETY

You can pay for Viagra and Cialis and other erectile dysfunction drugs, but your sexual difficulties may be more directly related to anxiety than any physical cause. Anxiety is sexual satisfaction's enemy. For both men and women, anxiety can disrupt the cycle of sexual arousal to sexual fulfillment.

The biggest contributing factor to anxiety and sexual dysfunction are relationship issues.

You can fill the bedroom with red rose petals and pour the champagne, but if you and your partner have unresolved issues, you probably won't have much naked fun. The actual sexiest thing you can do for your relationship has nothing to do with Victoria's Secret or bustiers. You just need to learn to really listen to one another.

Caring enough to focus on and tune into your partner conveys love. Listening is the most powerful tool for this, but too often it seems like listening conveys agreeing. We often feel that just by hearing our partners' concerns and feelings, this means they win. We lose. They're right. We're wrong.

Again.

There's nothing fun or sexy about losing, but listening doesn't mean losing. You can hear your partner--echoing this back to make sure you got what was being said--without agreeing that he/she is King of the Relationship. Being always right isn't good in a relationship (it means your partner is always wrong and that's just no fun), but you need to feel listened to, yourself.

Don't start by demanding to be heard, however. Demands don't usually convey "I love you." If you're in your relationship because you really value your partner, you need to limit the demands. You do, however, need to be heard and understood yourself. It may seem backwards, but start by listening to your mate. Hear her/his concerns and opinions. Repeat these back and keep trying until you can actually say what your partner means.

Then it's your turn. Don't rush into this. Don't think you have to speak your piece right on the heels of your exercise in hearing him/her. This will just convey that you didn't actually listen. But later, a day or so after you work hard at hearing your partner, it'll be important for you to talk about what you feel.

Remember, this doesn't mean you get to say what you think he's doing. "I feel that you...." is not how an expression of actual feeling starts. This is a judgement and an opinion about the other person. You know how you react if someone talks to you this way. You don't want to keep listening.

Don't express yourself in this manner. You won't be heard. When you talk about your feeling--your concerns--your issues--start with "I feel...." You can even say "I don't understand...." or "I don't like...," but stay with your own reactions. Don't make a judgement about your partner. The fartherest you need to go down this path is to say "...It seems like you don't care what happens with our money" or "...I have a hard time feeling loved when you don't care about my sexual experience."

Communication is the sexiest thing you can do and if you deal with issues in the relationship, you're less likely to have anxiety-related sexual performance issues.

HOW TO FORGIVE

There are lots of professionals who urge forgiveness, saying that forgiving helps victims heal.

This is true, but knowing how to forgive a straying lover or a childhood persecutor or abuser still eludes many. Whether the damage done has to do with being physically or verbally assaulted or if someone was particularly mean to you, forgiveness is not as simple as simply wishing the injury away.

Sometimes, you just want it to be like the event never happened. You want to forget, so you "forgive."

Victims don't want their injury to define their lives and I get that. We also have trouble cutting some people completely out of our lives, wanting to stay friends, even though we don't want to be married to/date/stay romantically involved with people.

Pretty much, we suck at knowing how to end relationships.

It is perhaps most challenging to recover after childhood sexual abuse. Way too many people have had this trauma visited on them--and let me add that none of them deserved it. None. No kid is bad enough to deserve abuse. Sadly, many of these individuals are abused by family members or close family friends. People they want to continue being involved with.

The mixed feelings in this situation are horrendous. Imagine loving the same person who abused you. Very complicated.

Still, forgiveness is good for you. Struggling through life, continuing to hate another person is exhausting. It also can get in the way of third-party relationships. Girlfriends who's husbands attacked you when you were drunk. Your own husband who has been unfaithful to you and now says he just wants to move forward, like it never happened. Forgiveness may be attractive because it seems like it'll lift some of the burden you bear.

But doing this without confronting it completely, won't really help.

After all, your continuing to hate someone doesn't really hurt him. So, how do you forgive someone who betrayed you or assaulted you and stole your childhood?

Forgiveness of a trauma requires you to forgive yourself first. Like the victim of sexual abuse, you never deserve to be cheated on or lied to. Don't tell me all the bad things you've done or how many times you were a witch in the relationship. Betrayal is still betrayal. Even if you did it first, the other person's actions are not excused.

Forgiveness requires acceptance of the injury--this happened to me. Whether you're struggling to cope with a childhood episode or with the infidelity of a partner who promised to stay true, you need to accept what happened...and realize that no matter what you did or didn't do, you didn't deserve the injury.

The next step is to assess whether or not the person who offered you this injury is actually sorry for whatever was done(don't assume this too easily). Maybe so. Maybe not. What you really have to consider is whether or not the relationship in which you were injured is healthful to you overall or not.

Tricky stuff.

You can't forgive/forget an assault to a relationship if the perpetrator doesn't 1.) express remore (really, really, really really sorry) and 2.) change his or her behavior. Big change and if this is an infidelity betrayal, you need to 3.) fix the problems that were in the relationship before the action. And all this has to be sustained, not just a easily glossed-over return to how it was before. Otherwise, you're just asking for a repeat of the hurt that led you here in the first place.

You can forgive a perpetrator who isn't sorry...you just have to remember that this person is himself damaged and can't be trusted in the future.

Forgiveness is about letting go. Believing that the one who hurt you will experience consequences from the universe. You don't have to stalk her down. (Of course, any appropriate legal action has to be considered. You may not choose to pursue it, but you need to think about it.)

Most importantly, don't assume that you can move on without forgiving yourself. You're not perfect. No one is. But you didn't deserve this.

WANT MORE/BETTER SEX?

Listen close. The secret to good sex isn't in a little blue pill or any pill.

While sex with various, sometimes random partners is the goal for some, most people just want more or better sex with their partners. This is what I'm talking about and it's really very simple--resolve the conflicts between the two of you.

That's it. No bells and whistles.

Resolution in relationships make partners feel cared for and therefore sexier. Now, learning how to resolve conflict between two different people, that part is not easy, but its worth it. While we tend to just hope the crap will go away on it's own, this is a big mistake. Don't believe it. If you guys consistently have the same issues come up over and over, there's no reason to hope these conflicts will suddenly disappear.

Sex between happy, resolved couples is usually vibrant and deeply fulfilling, not to mention more frequent.

Think about it, people who are convinced that their partners really care about what matters to them are more likely to really care about what matters to their partners. It's reciprocal and getting here requires you to deal with the emotional issues between you. Not only will this lead to good sex, it'll steer you away from the number one relationship killer...unsettled stuff.

When you have an argument and you don't feel listened to or respected, this puts a wedge between you two. Every issue, every day, the wedge gets deeper until you end up feeling divorced from the very person you once loved so much.

This is not a recipe for great sex.

Even small stuff like who cleans the house and how you deal with the kids can add up to a disconnected experience. Couples in this situation, start by feeling increasingly bored by what sex they do have. This is kind of crazy, when you think about it because sex by it's very nature isn't boring. But unresolved issues and increasing boredom in the bedroom lead couples to needing crazier and weirder sexual scenarios.

Before you get arrested for having sex in public places or fall into the whole swinging thing(which BTW doesn't lead to better relationships), learn how to really settle stuff. This is a complicated, sometimes painful process, but the results are fabulous.

First off, learn to listen. This is so not as easy as it sounds. People think they're listening when their partners report not having been heard. Try this trick. Shut your mouth when your partner is talking. Listen hard--like you're going to be tested over the material--and don't interrupt or defend yourself. Then, repeat back to your partner everything you just heard. EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH WHAT WAS SAID. This is a big thing, because your partner is sure to see things differently than you and you'll feel compelled to straighten him or her out.

Don't. Just listen. And then repeat it back. If your partner stops you or corrects you when you do this, listen again to what she or he said. Again, like you're going to be tested. Listen and repeat till your partner tells you that you've got it right.

The second step is to then voice your perspective. It'll be different, of course. Don't start your sentences with YOU. Say "I feel...." and remember "I feel that you..." is still starting the sentence with YOU.

When you attack or blame the other person, they don't have the urge to either listen or to then later take their clothes off with you.

Start by listening. It's big.