HANGING ON (& BITCHING)

"My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have three children together. We have been through a lot of problems in our marriage. My husband is a very quiet man. We hardly talk to each other or go out alone together. If he goes anywhere, it's always around his family, but not where I want to go. Whenever I want to go somewhere, there is no money. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man and I know he loves me, but I really believe he doesn't like me. I am a very friendly person and I love to talk to friends. The only time my husband sees his friends is when he goes to church or church meetings. We are so different if I say white, he says black. Seven years ago, we joined a church where the pastor is my husband's uncle. I was happy, but I started to feel ignored again. He was always at church functions, but when I needed something, he wasn't available. If he did things for me, he did them in a bad mood.

Three or four years ago, I began not wanting to have sexual relations with him. For me, it was and still is, a terrible time. I don't even want to kiss him. I used to ask God to give me the love that I needed for my husband, but nothing has changed. At the beginning of last year, we got into an argument and I told him I was tired of his reaction towards my family get-together. He was always either inside the house or falling asleep or wanted to leave because church was the next day. He was not "bringing glory to God" because people were having drinks at the reunion and he didn't like to be there. I told my husband that I was tired and wanted to separate from him. We did and I stopped going to church. I started going out with my old friends. I felt free, even though we were still living at the same house. We were living separate lives. I really didn't want to be home. I was only there for the children. My children have started having some issues do to the fact that I was going out and people were talking and praying for me. My husband took me off the bank account as soon as I lost my job. I had no money, so I started selling food to get money and put gas in the car. My mom helped me some.

While I was going out, I met this man that treated me like a queen. He is the sweetest man I ever met, but at the same time, I was not divorced. I told him I wanted to work out my marriage. I told my husband that I will try again, but things are not as I thought. We don't talk. He always wants to have sex and I don't want to. Every time I am with him, I feel like yelling and crying. He touches me like I'm a piece of meat and I've told him many times not to do this. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex and I hate that. He says he loves me and that he only wants to be with me. I really want to love him, but instead I feel so unhappy. I don't know what to do. My children are very important to me and I don't want to hurt them. That's why I want to stay in the marriage. Besides, he is the only man I've been with for so many years. I don't know if I can even be without him, even though it's like we're only partners."--Upset Wife

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Dear Upset,

You say your husband doesn't talk to you much, but I'm guessing you don't feel he listens to you, either. This isn't a sex problem. You guys have serious communication issues and things have gone pretty bad. You say he is a great guy and I sense ambivalence on your part. You don't hate him, but you will if you guys don't learn to actually talk to and hear one another. His seeking sex with you could very well be him trying to find some closeness with you. For some people, the physical connection is easier than talking. When you have sex with him, he probably feels like you're still connected. Still in the relationship.

Staying for the children doesn't do anyone any good. The family atmosphere has to be affected by the marital unhappiness. Middle school-age children have told me they wished their unhappy parents would divorce already.

Remaining in the marriage because he's the only guy you've been with or because you've been together a long time also isn't going to make you happy in the long run. But you've got a long-term investment with your husband. A lot of history. It would be smart to learn to hear his feelings, too. I know he doesn't talk a lot, but I'm guessing you're not great at listening when he does say things.

You probably both need to learn this skill. Look for a good counselor. If you don't have insurance that'll cover this, many agencies offer a sliding scale. You're all torn up about this decision. You need to have some assistance to sort it through.

* * *

Hanging On (& Bitching)

There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship. The skills required to be a good mate are the same ones no matter who you're with, so it makes sense to learn these--listening, really saying what you need to say, learning to work through conflict. If you don't, you'll repeat the same cycle in later relationships.

However, it's brutal to all to stay in a non-functional relationship when it's clearly not getting better. Some people do this not because they love their current partners, but because they fear being alone. They're not working to improve the relationship; they're just hanging on and griping about it. This typically happens when an individual has already finished with the relationship. They're done. Finito. Through.

Only the individual can decide this. No one has a right to tell you that you ought to stay or ought to go. This is totally your call.

Still, don't stay because you're afraid to get out on your own. It's the coward's way and you're selling yourself short.

SEEING PAST THIS MOMENT

"I just feel that my marriage is a big mistake and a failure after 22 years of marriage and having 5 children. I need your help on how to make corrective decisions to plan my life forward.

My wife and I are Muslim, living in Saudi Arabia. I am 45 years old and have a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering. My wife is 41 years old with a high school diploma and a 1-year diploma in Computer Science. I work as a college professor besides having part-time company work and my income is above average. I spend my time between work and home. I have meals with my family everyday and help my children with their homework. My wife is a housewife. She spends most of the time at home and she has almost no friends to visit.

My problem is that my wife has never felt compatible with me or my family(parents and relatives). She doesn't trust me. She thinks that I will run after another woman. She is suspicious of my telephone calls and my work meetings. She doesn't like my being alone on the net or on a business trip, although I never have done any cheating(nonetheless, she knows that my religious tendency). Whenever we go out together, she keeps observing me. She is not happy with our life and she keeps complaining all the time about everything. She is not compatible with my thinking as she has no plans or dreams or hopes. She just thinks what to cook and what to dress!

This has been running for 22 years and it's a nightmare for me. I tried to compromise and avoid trouble to save my family. Several times, conflicts escalated to discuss divorce, but whenever we reach that point, she regrets it and is sorry, asking for pardon. But, I know that she is not convinced or satisfied. That's why she returns to her behavior after a couple of weeks.

I believe that I made a mistake to marry her from the beginning. I asked her to go to a psychiatrist or a family counselor to present our case to him, but she refuses, assuming that if she does so, then she is psychologically sick. Our life is going up and down and we never live one week peacefully."--Distressed Husband

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Dear Husband,

I'll bet this is a nightmare for her, too. You have a history with your wife--not to mention the five kids--and this is both good and bad. You say you've asked her to go to a counselor. Why not go yourself first? You're unhappy in this marriage and that's never good, but you might benefit from looking at what you're contributing. I'm NOT saying this is all your fault. I'm just pointing out that it's not all her fault, either. The two of you need to learn to work through your issues.

You have a great disparity in education and in income-producing potential. This typically adds stress to a relationship. You mention that her life is mostly in your home, but some of this is attributable to things beyond her--the culture you live in doesn't encourage women to think beyond their homes and children. You mention that she has no hopes and dreams, but she's caring for a large family and this takes up a lot of energy.

You're right that it would be good for her to have friends. That eases much difficulty in life.

Whether or not you decide to get a divorce, you need to learn everything from this marriage that you can. You'll be a better partner for her--or someone else--if you learn to talk about your issues, not avoid them and just hope things get better. Learning to listen to her is very important. She has experiences and emotions that deserves to be listened to by you. Her jealousy and questioning you could easily have grown from the distance between you. She feels the estrangement as much as you do. She probably also is very aware of your growing disinterest in her. Since you and the kids are all she has going, she's even more threatened.

You can certainly leave your marriage. You know that this is an option, but leaving isn't typically a good option until you've gotten some professional help and taken every lesson from the relationship that you can.

* * *

Seeing Past This Moment

Whether you're anxious or depressed, unhappy in your relationship or grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to remember that this won't be your experience forever. Getting help from a therapist can help you learn how to get beyond your anxiety and depression. Don't think these are necessarily life-long issues. While you may have felt this way a long time and you have a hard time seeing your way out of this current distress, believing in a better experience is vital.

Grief can be consuming. The loved one is gone and will not return, but the wrenching emotions can shift into a more gentle loss. Learning how to grieve is important. You need to identify self-blame and check out the validity of this in the cold light of a rational viewpoint. A therapist can help with this. Relationship loss can lead to grief, as well. You need to both learn from this--no big endeavor doesn't involve some failure--and you need to forgive yourself.

Medication can be helpful in the short term. Never be ashamed of getting a script to help you while you're struggling. But learn how to fix the problem. Anxiety and depression can both be helped by a good therapist. You don't have to struggle with this the rest of your life.

You deserve better. You deserve a better future.

DO THE HARD (RIGHT) THING

"I am divorced with two children. My ex-husband and father of my children was very abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally). He forced himself of me many times, called me horrific names, refused to support me in any way, would not work and would not celebrate holidays. When I had a baby die, he told me to get over it and get back to work. I had no financial support and was treated like an animal. I stayed because I desperately wanted to remain a family and not become a single mom/statistic until I discovered he was having affairs.

I've had trouble keeping jobs, even though I always kept a good professional position. I'd hop to another job within a year. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II and PTSD. Because of my job history, I've never keep insurance long enough to see a regular counselor or psychiatrist.

I am now in a relationship with a man who has no children. This man has physically abused me. I am in school and I only have 7 months left. My current boyfriend likes to say that he's sacrificing to put me through school, but I pay half the bills and pay ALL my personal bills myself with student loans. I drive an old beat-up car that I paid cash for. He never offered to help me get a vehicle(even just co-signing), but he is now looking at a new car for himself.

Lately, I've been thinking about trying again to find a life partner and having another child someday. I want to experience a loving, functional family. As a result of all the traumas in my past(I'm also an adoptee), I have struggled with parenting and bonding with my two daughters. I know it isn't their fault, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I'm mad that their father treated me that way, but now has a good job, lives in a good area and has a great life while I'm struggling and depressed. I am questioning God and the unfairness of it all. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to get married. Although he was engaged before, he now says he doesn't believe in marriage. He says he never saw himself with children, but doesn't mind mine. I want to be able to raise a child as a mature adult with financial stability and a loving partner. He says he doesn't want to have children with me because I yell sometimes, I'm negative and I dread being a mother.

I know I have the ability to be a great mom. I was very organized and loving until I lost my jobs, lost a child, got divorced and was raped. I try to convince him that just because I'm not happy at the moment, doesn't mean I couldn't be an excellent mom, happy with job stability and a loving partner. We are at a standstill. I can't imagine looking back on my life and only having my two girls with that monster ex of mine. I want a family and at least one happy pregnancy. I am obsessed with families and jealous whenever I see a woman with a loving partner and a child. I cry daily and can't seem to get past the fact that my marriage failed. All I want to do is fix it by meeting a good man who loves me and my kinds and wants to give me what I never had. I am very sad that I've possibly waisted another 2 years in another relationship that isn't going to be happily ever after. What do I do?"--Abused

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Dear Abused,

First off, don't get pregnant just yet. Second, find a good therapist who'll work with you on a sliding scale and get into counseling. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) alters perspectives and often leaves individuals longing to fix their emotional struggles by finding happily ever after. You've had multiple abusers and you say that your current boyfriend is also abusive. This is why you don't need to have a child with him--at least not now. Your obsession with families and your struggle to not resent your own children are indicators that you need to take care of you first.

Get into therapy. It is a well-known reality that emotional development stops at the age of first abuse. You're physically a grown woman, but you don't feel you've been loved or nurtured. Your aching for a family and another child sounds like you're trying to recreate the loving environment you yourself deserved when you were growing up. PTSD is driving many of your emotions now and it's important the heal you first.

* * *

DO THE HARD(RIGHT) THING

Choices set us free, but they're a bitch, too. Think about the thousands of small moments when you drank too much, ate too much, skip exercise, cut someone off in traffic(flipping them off when they honked) or stepped out on your partner. At that second, you just wanted to feel better, get where you were going or do to someone else what was done to you.

But none of these choices helped you actually feel better for more than a few minutes.

Finding the time to work out or NOT putting that extra charge on your credit card--these are the hard decisions. At this time of year, people over-eat, over-drink and over-spend, all in an attempt to feel better, to feel loved or to feel appreciated. Ever notice how many people buy new flooring and dining room furniture around this time of year? We dream of hosting wonderful family gathers in our decked out homes... Trying to feel better and to look good to those people who're supposed to want the best for us.

Do the hard thing. There are lots of opportunities. Take care of yourself financially and physically, it'll be good for you and for others, too.

FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU

"My mother and I have been fighting more and more lately. We used to get along really well, but after my brother got married a couple of years ago, things went downhill. My mom went over the deep end with her mother (who she does not get along with) coming into town, and my father and his wife coming to the wedding. My parents have been divorced for 30 years and my father has been remarried for 20, but my mother has never gotten over my father walking out on us. She is still very bitter and angry. My brother and I have tried to establish an adult relationship with our father, understanding that he wasn't always there for us when we were young, but we are moving on. This is a new phase. My mother thinks I am betraying her and she as accused me replacing her with my father's wife. I am 35 years old. I hardly need a new mother. Thanksgiving was terrible. My brother wants a happy family gathering, but my mother recently screamed at me that I am insensitive to her and that I am only seeing my father in a positive light, forgetting everything he has ever done.

I don't know how to stop fighting with my mother and I want a relationship with her, but if she can't stop yelling at me and blaming me for her misery, I may have to stop seeing her. We only live 3 miles apart. I feel terrible"--Troubled Daughter

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Dear Troubled Daughter,

You and your mom have been close, which makes this breach even more difficult. I think you're on the right track. All relationships--whether these are relatives or not--need to benefit you or it makes no sense to stay connected.

You need to gain more from the interaction than it costs you. Still, it's very hard to cut off a mother with whom you've previously had a close relationship.

I think you need to talk to your mom about the relationship you want with her at this point. It's usually best to begin these conversations with a statement of how important she is to you. Tell her how much you love her and that you've enjoyed your previous closeness with her.

Then tell her that the issue of your current relationship with your father is yours to deal with. It's not her call. You're very aware of the past and you were certainly impacted by your parents' marital issues. How you choose to handle this relationship now is your decision. As you said, you're an adult. You don't need your mom's permission to interact with your dad. (I suggest that you refrain from discussing with your mother your relationship with you dad and his current wife. This may feel like you're hiding things, but it's not. Do you talk with her about every interaction you have? Every interaction with every person? Probably not.)

Your mom needs to know that it's inappropriate for her to continuously talk about your relationship with your father or for her to treat you as the enemy because you presumably are friendly with him. You're fully grown up. While she needed to parent you when you were a child, that's not a functional relationship to have at this stage. You have lots of adult decisions to make and you'll bear the consequences of these. Not her.

Your mom won't like any of this, but she doesn't have to.

* * *

Choosing the Right Partner

This is a problem for lots of people. You'll be better equipped to make good relationship decisions if you use two requirements:

Find someone who really likes you(liking is different from loving, BTW).

This is important because liking will carry you through the rough times that every relationship encounters. It greases the wheels of communication and helps with the tough times.

Find someone who helps you grow

Remember that scene in As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt's character that she made him want to be a better man? That's what you're going for, a spouse or lover who helps you become a better person. Someone who helps you deal with your issues--even though these issues are annoying and you don't like your spouse much when he/she insists you deal with them. A relationship that helps you grow is a tremendously beneficial interaction.

Because individuals don't typically know how to resolve conflict in relationships, we have a tendency to choose "someone who's like me". This can be a big mistake. While sharing similar values is important, you need a balancing influence. Someone at the other end of the teeter totter.

If you have these two components and your values aren't too far apart, you have a significantly better chance of staying together...and you're probably have lots of fun, too.

LITTLE LETHAL PLEASURES

"My spouse and I have known each other for 10 years, but have only been in a relationship for 4 years. We have a 3 year-old child. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, fun and easy, but after we had our child, it seems like things and we have changed. We argue about the smallest things. Anything! My spouse says he loves me and this I believe, but as far as trust goes, he doesn't! He's always questioning me, and bringing up my past (before we were together). He tries to control me and always seems to find something to pick at me about. We are on good terms and want to make our relationship work, but we don't know what else to do. I don't want my child growing up with parents who argue all the time, but at the same time I don't want to take the child away from his father. I need some advice, please. I'm about ready to give up and just accept that the relationship didn't work."--Confused

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Dear Confused,

You said he loves you, but I'm not sure how you feel about him. If you want this relationship to work--for you, not just your child--the two of you need to learn to deal with your conflicts. This sounds obvious, but lots of people don't do this. Instead of resolving their issues, they try to forget their arguments and get over the conflicts. This may sound like your only option, but it doesn't work over the long haul.

You need to learn to listen to one another. Really listen to your partner's message, not just the words. You probably think you know what he's saying to you, but I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't agree. Here's a trick--take one situation and listen to him without defending yourself. Listen as if you'll be tested over what he's saying and even though it's very hard, don't defend or explain. He may throw in statements about you that are all wrong, don't correct him.

Instead just hear what he's trying to say. This will usually come down to hearing what he feels. You'll need to feedback to him what you've heard, just to make sure you've got it correctly. Lots of people don't say exactly what they mean and lots of time we don't hear exactly what they said. Repeat back to him what you hear. Do it several times until he agrees that you've gotten his message. You've heard him.

Then--and only then--tell him what you feel about the situation. Help him to hear your side of things. Again, this may involve trying it several times before he actually gets what you're saying.

After you've both talked clearly about your perspectives, you can look at the conflict as objectively as possible to find a resolution. This will involve some adjustment to one another, but resolution removes resentment.

Remember that last, if one or the other of you still feels hurt and/or resentment, you need to go back to trying to understand your experiences. The path to resolution in relationships is complicated and sadly not often achieved, but it's really worth the effort.

In every conflict, you need to remember that you love this person. Even when you want to wring his neck, you still love him. Focusing on this sometimes gives you the strength to soldier on. Relationships are supposed to involve joy. Ask yourself if you ever have that, ever really just enjoy one another. Sometimes the stress and the issues have built up to the point that it's hard to like each other. At that point, you may not have anything left for the relationship. You may be done.

* * *

This life is sometimes challenging and you feel alone. When the stressors get intense, as they sadly do at this "joyous" time of year, we tend to turn to things that give us temporary pleasure. Sadly, the little pleasures can kill you if you're not careful.

In this nation, we have an epidemic of obesity. While we have to look at factors like high fructose corn syrup that insidiously make us want to eat more, we also need to see the emotional aspect of over-eating. When we're sad, we eat to feel better. When we're mad or lonely, we eat to feel better, only the eating makes us feel sluggish and guilty and doesn't really work for us.

I personally have always had a complicated relationship with sugar. Sad, when you think about it. What I do to "get happy" doesn't really make me happy, though.

The same things can be said for alcohol. Individuals drink to get happy, to change how they feel. Whether this is a celebratory occasion or a sad one, we often hear "I need a drink" like this is a medicinal choice. Some people smoke for the pleasure it gives them. One of the brightest men I know--who's actually in the medical field and knows the data--indulges himself in expensive cigars almost every day.

We need to remind ourselves that our "little pleasures" don't actually give us pleasure. Whether the size of the swimsuit increases or we're drinking to the point of making social blunders, these habits don't give us as much enjoyment as we've thought.

Let's face it, sometimes life just sucks. Whether you're mad at your parent or disappointed in your spouse or massively frustrated with your exceptional child who's failing Social Studies, eating, drinking or smoking doesn't really solve any of these.

We do it, trying to feel better at the moment. Science tells us taking a walk around the block will do more good. We should try that.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT?

Too often we ask teens and college-bound kids the wrong question and truthfully adults are often confused when making major decisions. Rather than asking themselves about college-majors and career choices, individuals first need to consider the kinds of lives they want to lead. This may sound obvious, but think about it, when you pick a mate or a career or even a residence, do you know that you're choosing the life you'll live?

Just as career choices determine what you'll do each and everyday, they also involve salary considerations and even areas of the country where you'll live. City and country living involve many different aspects. You need to think about whether you prefer the sleepy, slower, but fewer shopping/entertainment options of country living or the bustle, traffic, higher prices, more restaurant choices of a city.

While these details might seem insignificant, they effect your eventual happiness with where you are. In these times of economic uncertainty, job choices are paramount, but that's just one aspect of understanding what you want and need to wake up looking forward to every day. Kids in high school may not want to engage in higher learning. I know I didn't like school. But college is an important step in creating a more prosperous life with greater choices as to where you live and what you do for work. There are some non-college jobs that'll earn decent money, too, but this aspect of job-choice needs to be considered. If an individual invests in becoming an air traffic controller--a highly specialized job requiring excellent spatial skills, but no college--they'll earn a very decent living. But this job entails an intense training and is a career that carries the responsibility for many lives.

You can't just give half-power to this one. Lives count on you. In some jobs, having an off-day isn't that big a deal. Here, messing up has major consequences.

Think, too, about your partner choice. Lots of folks are struggling/dealing with the hunt for a mate, whether you seek marriage or not. When you're looking for a person to share your life with, though, you need to know what you want as far as the life you lead. Do you want kids? Not every one does, despite commonly-held beliefs. But this is a major issue if you and your mate disagree and is almost guaranteed to make for a bumpy relationship.

Lifestyle choices are sometimes judged by others. Even condemned. While this is unfortunate and unhealthy for the condemner's mental health, it happens all the time.

Whether you're a teenager approaching high-school graduation or an adult struggling to make some major choices, you need to think about what will make you happy. Not what your parents or friends will think of you, but you. Your own needs, preferences and desires. This isn't easy. Individuals can live a long time without truly understanding themselves, but seeking self-clarity is a tremendously important thing. We tend to seek our faults, our limitations and our struggles. This may all be hidden under bravado and our sadly external focus--we put more energy into picking houses and cars and clothing than we do in looking at ourselves.

The search for self-understanding needs to avoid self-condemnation. You're really not the jerk you fear yourself to be (even if you had some less-than-stellar behavior shopping on Black Friday). Look carefully at what makes you happiest at think about what will add most to your enjoyment of your life over the long haul.

You deserve to create the life you want.

GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK

"I was physically abused by my husband years ago to the point of barely surviving and my in-laws filed for custody of my 2 year-old daughter while I was in the hospital recovering. They won custody and took her away to another state. Because of her father's abuse, I was told I couldn't have her because it put her in danger. I wasn't told where she was and now she's 27. I finally found her living in the same state! We met and soon after I was invited to her house. I was thrilled! Unfortunately after I arrived I received a cold shoulder and felt that she wasn't interested in me. I left and tried to call, getting through once. Afterward, I was shut out.
I have been wanting to find her all these years only to live my worst fear, her rejection. How can I reach her without telling her bad things about her father?I want her to accept me as her birth mother. She won't even accept a phone call from me and I don't know why. I sense it is resentment for me not being there for her. Her father is dangerous and I am afraid of him. She wasn't told about the past, so everything is still tricky because he lives close to her. Is there a future for me and my daughter?"--Distressed Mother

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Dear Distressed Mother,

There might be a future relationship for you and your daughter, but you have to respect her right to work this through. Remember, from her point-of-view, you abandoned her. She's angry, sad and confused. All understandable. She doesn't have all the facts, either.

You didn't say whether or not she has a relationship with her father now. This could muddy things up, too.

Give the girl a break.

I don't know what you expected when you finally had contact with your daughter, but it isn't reasonable or fair to think that she'd hug you and take you in immediately as her long-lost, much-loved mom. Her cold shoulder was probably a result of her trying to deal with it all. She deserves time to process all this, to sort it through and make sense of the mess.

I recommend that you send her a letter, expressing your understanding of her mixed feelings and saying that you want whatever contact with her that she's ready to give. Don't bash her dad or your in-laws in the letter. Just tell her you respect her right to have whatever contact she wants...and then wait. If she does contact you for lunch or some other limited interaction, take it. Don't push for more than she's ready to give.

I realize none of this seems fair. After all, you were the abused one. You didn't get to raise your daughter and you're now possibly in the role of enemy. It's totally not fair, but this is what you're dealing with.

Should she contact you and want to begin establishing a relationship--think taming a wild animal--proceed with caution. Respect her and the life she's built for herself. At some point, however, it is important that you tell her about her father's abuse. She deserves the facts and she might be able to hear them if you refrain from defending yourself and just give the information. Remember, she's an adult and she's probably had her share of difficult relationships, too. Maybe not to the point of physical abuse, but she'll probably have had some challenging moments.

* * *

Give yourself a break. You probably have a skill that you don't even consider. Individuals tend not to consider those things that come easiest to them--"no big deal". But your ability isn't shared by everyone.

My husband has a high Kinesthetic intelligence--you know, like the great athletes? They jump and move their bodies in amazing ways. Roger is dismissive of his abilities because he doesn't think they're as great as some and because he's accustomed to always having had this. I, on the other hand, am not Kinesthetic. My intelligence lies in other areas.

Low self-esteem is a significant issue for many and part of this problem is that we don't have accurate assessments of ourselves. We dismiss those things we do well and tend to exaggerate our limitations. Having an accurate self-assessment is very important. We don't have every skill, but we need to see the ones we do have.

Having an accurate self-image allows us to work on the areas we struggle in and to accept the areas where we do well. Some skills will never be within my reach, but I'm good at some things and this is true of us all.