GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

It's not at all uncommon for parents to talk with me about what they consider their parenting failures, moments when they've been bad parents. Don't get me wrong here, some people really do make awful parents and some are actively harmful to their offspring. But these are the exception.

I've said it before--parenting is one of the hardest jobs on this planet. This is in the nature of the role. To start with, it's a physically demanding, time-intensive job. You live with the child and the role all the time. Some fortunate individuals have mates who share in child rearing and they actually get moments away from being a parent. Others do it full-time and without resentment.

Some resentment, given the demanding aspects of this job, is very natural.

You start with a baby, generally, and you love it, care for it and watch out for any dangers that might threaten the child. As this individual grows, however, you deal with different stages. One might say, parent is a job that changes often. As kids' needs evolve, so does the role. So one day, you're very involved, working on homework and making sure chores are done and then, as your children enter the teen years, the homework is more and more their job. (You may still have to stay on them about the chores.)

Because of the intensive nature of the job and the fact that we're all fallible human beings, sometimes we screw up. We yell at our kids or fail to follow through on a consequence or have moments when we feel we just can't deal with whatever they're up to.

It's very important to give yourself a break and not to blame yourself for every bad behavior your child develops or think you can prevent them from having all bad experiences. You can't. Life involves both good and bad experiences and, while you want to protect your children, you can't always. Aside from the terrifying situations, such as kidnapping and assault(which sometimes happen no matter how vigilant you are), this world will present many situations which your children must deal with on their own. School testing, for instance.

Children also have minds of their own. You want this, really, but it can also be maddening and distressing. Kids get to make their own choices. You can't be their for the play ground friend-making and you can't force them to get good grades. Their independence comes early. Think of potty training or getting them to eat green vegetables when they were small. It's very important for you to approach parenting with an awareness of and respect for your children's ability to decide. You want determined kids, but they can't always be steered in the best directions. Sometimes your children--as young kids or adults--make choices that scare and sadden you.

This is profoundly painful. You can't fix it and yet you suffer. You have to let the kids work out their own challenges and the earlier you start this(while still keeping them safe), the better.

Even really good, really loving parents sometimes have kids who make bad, bad choices. As a society, we often blame parents for children's choices and this isn't fair. We need to get clear that parents are to judge themselves on their own behavior, not on their children's choices. These are two different things.

And when you judge yourself on your actions, be kind.

REACHING HUMBLE

This may seem like an abstract subject to some, but how you view yourself is very important and we're confused about the subject.

High self-esteem is good. Don't let yourself doubt this, no matter who says you should think you're a worm. (Actually earthworms are pretty important!) You need to see your good points--the aspects of yourself that are pretty good--to enable you to be able to see yourself accurately. Feeling good about certain tendencies and about your ability to make choices is a good thing.

At the same time, humble is a good place to be. Humble is one of those words we get confused about. The word can be defined as "not arrogant or proud" or "having a feeling of insignificance" and I'm talking about the first definition, not the latter. Self image is a challenging thing because it drives so much of your actions. How do you feel about yourself? Assessing yourself accurately is important because it motivates so many of your choices.

People who feel good about themselves don't hurt others. It's typically when you feel small or threatened that you lash out against your fellow human beings. Those who kill and main aren't feeling their own personal power. They view themselves as having only bad choices. Striving to feel powerful by the damage you do, isn't the path to truly feeling good about yourself. The horrible acts in this world are perpetrated by those who feel small and insignificant. They strive to find some significance in the hurting of others, but that's not the way to gain good self-esteem.

You need to see your options--even if these aren't always great--to realize that you're in charge of your own choices. The great Viktor Frankl survived the German concentration camps in WWII and out of his experiences wrote Man's Search for Meaning. He went on to earn both a M.D. and a Ph.D. and wrote eloquently about the value of choice, even when the choices don't look good. At least, you get to decide on your direction.

Being truly humble means knowing your own strengths, as well as, your weaknesses. Feeling that you're an okay person helps your to recognize the areas you need to develop. We all have them.

Reaching humble is a challenging personal goal. It's a delicate balance between knowing your strong points and knowing the areas in which you could use some development.

Liking yourself isn't a crime. It helps you be a better person.

FIXING YOURSELF FIRST

Clients frequently come into counseling, reporting problems with their mates, but saying that they need to fix themselves first. Then they plan to work on the relationship. Individual therapy is certainly your right and you can be as private in this as you like. Coming alone is sometimes a relief to people because they can talk freely, rather than choosing words that won't upset their mates.

There is, however, no wall separating your individual self from the one in the relationship. You have to know that your personal issues impact the relationship, just as the relationship problems impact you. We can't get out of this. So, while coming alone may seem like the best start, you might want to consider couples counseling, if there are things to address in the relationship.

Don't think that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. It's not possible because the power in a relationship goes both ways. Both people and their wishes matter. The power is evenly distributed, even if it doesn't feel that way. Responsibility and power go hand in hand. Therefore, everything can't be your fault. Not possible. If all the responsibility was yours, you'd also have all the power. This isn't likely.

We don't tend to live or to learn in isolation. There's always someone else--mates, children, even co-workers--who see us at our best and worst. The individuals closest to you are the ones who's perspective you need to listen to.

Let's just acknowledge that some families and some couples are so disturbed and dysfunctional that the feedback offered is tainted. It's just a reality and you can't fix others or make your family members change(even if they really need to). You have to decide if you can find a sane way to keep them in your life or just get out. If you want to stay in your relationship, you need to learn how to handle issues there.

Big problems can be resolved in relationships. Don't doubt this. Even very tumultuous relationships can resolve into functional patterns. People with bad, scary issues can learn to function better, if this is what they want.

We learn best in relationships. We deal with our own issues most productively when we have a mate who is just as committed to growth. Of course, it's very important that your mate be able to hear you when you reflect their stuff back to them. Listening needs to go both ways. This is the biggest issue couples face. It may sound silly and trite, but most problems in relationships can be traced back to not understanding the other person and understanding starts with listening.

SUPPORTIVE PARENTING

"For about 4 years now, my parents have been divorced. 3 years ago, my father found a new girlfriend, however my 3 siblings and I only really found out about her a couple of years ago. At first, it was like any new girlfriend-of-the-father relationship. She seemed 'cool', was nice and not intrusive. However, as things got more serious, she has assumed much, much more power than is actually hers.

Recently she has been telling my younger, more naive siblings what to do, wuch as the dishes, when to go to bed, etc. She does not even live in the house! I believe that she should have absolutely no authority whatsoever, and should not be disciplining my siblings for they are my father's kids, not hers. However, he things otherwise and believes that it is her right as a girlfriend to tell them what to do if she notices bad behavior. My siblings are both well-behaved and she simply tells them what to do because she feels like it! She should report it to my father and he should be the one doing the disciplining.

Also, she's extremely presumptuous in that she is constantly changing our house around to her liking. Little things--such as where the bread goes, where the lunch bags are, etc. I know these are rather insignificant, but she is, in every way possible, trying to weave her way into our lives, and our house--which isn't hers.

I am so frustrated with this woman and with my father believing she's in the right to be rude to us. He never listens to me when I complain, simply rejecting what I say and getting mad. He threatens to kick me out. Please, I am extremely fed up with this person. I need to know how to deal with her and my father."--Frustrated

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Dear Frustrated,

I understand that you didn't chose this woman and it feels as though she's pushing her way into the role of your mother. You didn't say if you have a relationship with your mom or what yours and your siblings ages are, but I feel the need to point out a few hard facts.

If your mom isn't in the picture, your dad's carrying the load on his own and I'm guessing he's tired of that. Raising three kids as a single parent is hard. Maybe the girlfriend doesn't tell you what to do and doesn't get into your life; maybe she does and you push back.

The reality is that you can't tell your dad how to parent. His girlfriend's "actual power" isn't your call. It's his. You just don't have the authority to tell him what to do, even though he may be messing up big time. This one isn't your call. You do get to decide what you personally will deal with and if this women is this hard to take(and you're an adult), you might need to look elsewhere for housing.

Just as your dad doesn't pick your relationships, you don't get to pick his. Many parents hate who their kids date or marry. The story is the same--you don't get to decide who your parents or your kids go out with. This is true even if you live in the same home as that person.

This may sound harsh and wrong. It may be very unacceptable with you, but you need to accept it anyway. Your dad gets to make his relationship and parenting mistakes. You get to make yours. The hardest thing is being supportive of the parent(or kid) you love, even if you hate the choices.

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BEING A SUPPORTIVE PARENT

This is hard, particularly as children become adults and venture into a complicated world. The term "supportive" is defined as providing sympathy and encouragement, but as a parent, you're used to doing much more. You've helped out both financially and you've given lots of advice, some of which your kid may actually have taken.

Financial support, however, gets sticky. When your money is involved, you feel you should have input. You should be allowed to tell your kid what to do and what not to do. But when your child becomes a legal adult, they have to make their own choices.

I cannot stress this enough--even when those choices are scary and bad, your child gets to make his own choices. We're big on freedom in this country and that freedom extends to letting every adult pursue his own path (no matter how much you don't like her). You don't get to pick his dates or his school or his career.

Trust me, I realize that it may be very clear sometimes that you'd do a much better job of this.

Being a supportive parent, however, means letting your children find the bumpy path to learning life lessons. You get to be loving, to convey that you believe in your child's capacity, even though you may not like where he's headed right now. BTW, saying you don't like his choices won't help and sometimes turns his focus from what he needs to be addressing on to fighting with you.

When it comes to life choices, he doesn't need to be resisting you. He needs to plough ahead.

This part of parent is very difficult. Let me stress again that this is very difficult. Remember that you love him. You want him to learn and learning, sadly, involves some stumbling. You stumbled and he deserves the right to do this, too. He also deserves your love, even if standing by and offering mute support is killing you.

NOTICE YOUR SUCCESSES

You may have bad habits and irritating tendencies, but you're probably pretty good at most stuff. Unfortunately, most of us don't notice the things we're good at. Even if we have friends and family cheering on the sidelines, our tendency is to shrug this off because they love us.

Even individuals who would be considered successful by most are still inclined to dismiss our achievements, thinking Yes, but I didn't do this well. Those talants and gifts you possess come easily to you, so you don't think much of them. Whether you're a gifted artist or someone who knows how to throw a really great party, you need to notice--to really see--your abilities, as well as, your disabilities.

Achievement comes in many forms. Chances are good that you're very skilled at some aspect of life. You may not view this as important because it's easy for you. No big deal. But to others who struggle in this area, it is a big deal.

Maintaining a realistic, honest view of ourselves is important for personal growth. Lots of people struggle with this. Just today, I was interviewd by a local channel newsperson--Channel 33 in DFW--for a story about mostly young girls posting videos on YouTube asking whether or not others thought they were ugly. As you can imagine, they got a lot of responses from haters. This may seem like an extreme example of trying to find an objective perspective (and I'm not advocating this), but it points to the questions we have about ourselves.

Random responses from individuals hiding behing the anonymity of on-line sites doesn't reflect reality, but it's important to reach for this. When honing self-image, though, you need to look at both your weaknesses and your strengths (neither of which has to do with your appearance). It is a sad fact that most of us hear the bad more loudly than the good. We remember the harsh assessments--our own and those of others--more than the good. I'll bet you can tell me about the times you failed, more fully than you can talk about how you succeeded.

But you need to note your successes. You need to see what worked, so you can repeat this kind of behavior. Seeing success isn't self-indugent. It's vital. Whether I'm working with individuals struggling with depression or those challenged by anxiety disorders, noticing success can be a struggle. Even those with relationship issues can fail to note when they work through conflicts and resolve issues.

Growth is a process. None of us get to our goals without falling down sometimes. Just doesn't happen. Seeing what does work is important--it's like hanging a picture in the right spot. You need the "A little to the left" feedback, just like you need to hear "Right there. That's it."

Even if you don't achieve your goals completely, some part of what you're doing is important. Worthy of note. So, pay attention to your successes. They offer you great information, even if you don't succeed as often as you like.

PARENTING--AN EVOLVING JOB

Being the parent of a child isn't the same thing as having an child who is an adult. The role shifts.
The professionals and researchers tell us that parents are too involved these days, even coining the phrase "helicopter parent" for parents who hover over their children. There are lots of people to tell you how you're parenting badly and many who claim to have better ways to raise kids. This is a massive concern for many people as parenting is one of the two biggest roles you'll undertake in your life.

In my profession, we've always seen parents of younger troubled children, trying to get a handle on how to best help their kids. Increasingly, however, another parent population is seeking help from therapists.

These are the parents not of troubled five year-olds, but of twenty-five year-olds. Some are struggling to find careers and jobs, many are dealing with other issues that are concerning to their parents, like bad relationships, anxiety disorders or drug problems. Some parents and kids just don't get along.

The reality is that parenting evolves over time. While the word parent can be a verb when children are young, as they enter adulthood it becomes a noun. You are a parent; you have offspring. Younger children require active parenting, but when our children grow into adults, we assume a largely supportive role.

This transition from dependence to independence is as difficult for parents as it is for the maturing child. When kids grow into teens and leave school to make lives of their own, parents aren't needed in the same ways. You don't patch scraped knees or dry nightmare tears. The role is still vitally important, it just assumes a different flavor of difficulty....

When your child was six, it was your job to make sure the homework and household chores were done. With a child of twenty-six, you don't get to intercede in the same ways. Still, the adult child's choices have a great impact on parents' hearts--you still love them the same--but you don't have any say-so over what your child does or doesn't do.
Many parents say they want to keep their kids from making the same mistakes they made. This isn't simple or even possible many times

For some individuals, "mother guilt" has been a long-term problem. Some adults don't even want to call their mothers (or fathers) because they dread the guilt-inducing questions and comments. Parents of adults sometimes assume they get to critique, judge and call the shots in their children's lives for as long as the parents' live. Some even feel this is due them because they brought the child into the world and raised them to maturity.

The problem with this approach is some parents continue to behave as if their kids never reach maturity. It's as if the "child" can never be trusted to live his own life. When an individual becomes an adult, parents need to remember that their role is different. You can no longer intervene for the child--at school or with the law. You no longer have legal responsibility for your child after twenty-one.

This can be very difficult because you love your children so intensely. It's incredibly hard to watch their mistakes and to accept their bad choices, but we must do this and we need to do it without conveying judgment. In reality, a carping, directing, harrassing parent is mostly a distraction from an adult child's learning process.

We all screw up. We make mistakes and learn from the consequences of these. When the mistakes are big and the consequences heart-breaking, it's brutal being a parent...but this can still be a necessary part of the learning curve.

The job of parenting is to prepare your children to be able to function without you. After all, you won't always be here. Like a good therapists, parents are always working themselves out of a job.

MAKING THE LEAP--A CHILD BECOMING AN ADULT

"I'm a 16 year old and I have a lot of stress in my life. When I was six, an older boy molested me. I tried to fight back and get him to stop, but he told me he would tell my parents and they wouldn't love me any more. I was ashamed. I tried to separate myself from him, but my family made me play with him and I couldn't say no, otherwise I would have to tell them what happened and I could not do that. My parents noticed eventually that I wasn't myself. I did end up telling my mother what happened, even though this was the hardest thing I've had to do. I felt a sense of relief. My mother sent me to a therapist and it helped, but I've never gotten over it. I had to stop therapy when we moved. Then, when I was in seventh grade, I was again molested. This time, I told my family and we called the police. I was enrolled in therapy again and this time, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Since that time, I've struggled severely. I believe I have some form of depression, as well as, anger issues. I don't mean to do the things I do, but I have ruined some things in my parents' house because of my anger. My mom and I do not get along. My dad and I do sometimes, but he always sides with my mother in our arguments. I try to tell my parents what I'm going through, but when I did tell my mother that I used to cut myself--which I'm very ashamed of--she told me I was stupid. She does not have an ounce of sympathy in her body. Our current argument is because I do not want to play lacrosse this year. She wants me to be an amazing athlete, but I have never been and will never be, good enough for that. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anything in my mother's eyes. My question, though, is how do I get along with my mom? I love her so much, but nothing I do makes her happy. She constantly yells and all I do now is cry and resist the urge to hurt myself. She's the one who's making my depression worse, but she doesn't know it. Please help!"--Distressed Teen

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Dear Distressed,

I don't know if you're still going to therapy, but you should be. PTSD after episodes of abuse is common and you need to learn how to deal with it. You're also dealing with issues typical in growing up. The transition from child to adult is complicated and challenging both for the teen and for her parents. You're not quite an adult, capable of directing your own life, but you're not a child, either. You need training wheels still--supportive, loving parents--but being supportive of rebellious, sometimes angry teenagers is very difficult. Most parents find this to be challenging.

I'm sure you and your mom both have valid complaints about each other. You say that you've broken things in the house and that you have an anger problem. Your past abusive episodes just make this time more difficult. That's why I'm stressing that you get back into therapy, if you're not now. I also think your parents could use the support of a professional. Many parents of abuse survivors have massive guilt. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, but they're human and they don't always see the bad situations coming. You're mom may seem unsupportive and upset with you all the time, but I'm guessing she cares about you a lot.

Cutting won't help. You'll just end up scarring yourself and nothing will get better. You deserve to get better, to feel better. You have many changes ahead and these can be scary, but you have the capacity to make the transition. You can be an adult. You have the strength to deal with even the most challenging situations.

I know you don't feel like that some of the time.

Get a therapist to help you to know how to talk to your mom. The lacrosse thing is your choice. By the time you're 16, you get to decide where to put your energy. You're mom may not always be happy with your choices, though. Like everyone else, you'll screw up, get into bad relationships and make bad education or job choices. Just make sure you learn from these.

I'll bet that your mom is trying to keep you from having regrets. She probably wants to make sure you don't have any more bad experiences. As you move into adulthood, she can't make your choices or shelter you from all the storms, but the urge to do so is very natural.

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MAKING THE LEAP

The transition from childhood to adulthood is scary, both for the kid and for those who love her. Parents typically want to shield the child from the really bad choices; kids usually resent interference until they need cash. There are few things more anxiety-producing that watching your child stumble forward in life.

When a kid is underage, parents are both legally and morally responsible. If students don't go to middle or high school classes, their parents have to answer for it. Legal and financial choices at this stage have profound effects on the family.

When the child moves into early adulthood, the situation changes. Don't get me wrong, the situation changes, but parents still feel just as impacted. Even though a twenty-five year old has many more options than a fifteen year old, their parents still worry. I always point out to parents that the greatest gift they can give their kids is to believe in them--to believe they have the strength to handle rough times--I still acknowledge that watching your children struggle is the most painful experience in the world.

But it comes with the territory. When you were buying cribs and having baby showers, looking forward to your little bundle of joy, you probably didn't realize everything you were taking on. Love means being impacted by their choices, but it doesn't give us the right or the power to make those choices for them.

They need to stumble because it seems this is the only real way we humans learn.

I've watched two daughters make bad relationship choices and scary career deviations. My husband and I have sometimes had to look away. It's easier on us.